Week 17 Picks...

I crashed and burned last week with my picks. Things have been hectic with the holidays, planning for New Years and studying for the most difficult exam of my life. I apologize (mostly to Nunes) for my lackluster performance last week. I flipped a few of my picks last minute (Green Bay, Denver) and it cost me dearly. But the good news is. There's still one week left. And unlike the 2007-08 Patriots, I plan to finish this season on a perfect note.

I pray I'm wrong about the Packers and Giants games though.

Last Week: 6-10

Season: 143-97

Did Anybody See The Weather Report Yesterday?

This guy was pretty stressed about it:

Week 16 Picks...

Carolina at Pittsburgh (Thursday Night Football)

So apparently, in the last two years, Pittsburgh is 14-4 with Troy Polamalu and 4-8 without him. Aside from the fact this means the Jets win last week really wasn't that impressive, it also means Carolina could be a real contender this week with Polamalu out again. Oh wait, no it doesn't.

Dallas at Arizona (Christmas Special)

All anyone could ever ask for on Christmas is a Dallas-Arizona game, right? Santa, for Christmas, I really really want Larry Fitzgerald to get the ball rolling in my fantasy championship this week with 35 points. Studies show Larry Fitzgerald 35-point fantasy performances are a great stocking-stuffer. Just saying. There's extra cookies in it for you. Oh, and my opponent is Jewish (if that counts for anything in your book).

Washington at Jacksonville

Rex Grossman's last name best describes his quarterbacking skills: Gross, man! Boy am I lame sometimes. No wait, according to my Facebook account, under interests (last updated the summer going into freshman year of college), I'm interested in "partying". So I guess that makes me cool right? I laughed out loud at myself when I read that the other day. Everyone that friended me on Facebook that summer must of thought I was going to be "THE MAN!" coming into college. Even though I had like six parties under my belt at the time.

Detroit at Miami

My buddy parlayed 10 of my picks last week. $5 could've landed him $1532 (Yes folks, that's how powerful my picks are). Anyways, I really wanted to go 10-0 in those games so the only sucker in that sucker bet would be the institution running the gambling site. One of those picks was Miami over Buffalo. Another thing to note: My fantasy kicker is Dan Carpenter (the leading fantasy kicker this year). And I was looking for him to help lead my team to the fantasy championship. Well, not only did Miami lose 17-14 (killing my buddy's parlay), but Dan Carpenter was 0-4 on field goals! 0-4! We all could've been winners Dan! This is how I reacted when I saw Dan (a Dolphin) missed four field goals:

I was really mad at a whale for some reason too. And I turned Asian for a few seconds.

San Francisco at St. Louis *Upset Special

After an 0-6 start (keep in mind I predicted the Niners to finish 11-5 this year), the Niners might still actually win the division for me. They just have to win two division games against two of the worst teams in football. It's going to be a lot harder for them than it sounds folks.

Tennessee at Kansas City *Upset Special

It wouldn't be a football season if the team ahead of San Diego in the AFC West didn't choke in one of the last two weeks.

NY Jets at Chicago

A few weeks ago, Rex Ryan was quoted saying in a press conference that him and Tom Brady weren't all that different. "Tom's wife is a supermodel. And my wife is a supermodel as well (showing a picture of her in a magazine)". Had Rex had that same press conference this week, he might have said something along the lines of this instead: "Tom and I aren't all that different, ya know? His wife is a famous supermodel. And my wife is a famous foot-fetish YouTube sensation (showing one of her YouTube videos)."

New England at Buffalo

I don't even have to think about these New England picks anymore.

Baltimore at Cleveland

Was it just a few weeks ago we thought Cleveland was good? Now they're making me look bad with back-to-back losses to the Bills and the Bengals. Watch Peyton Hillis bounce back with another three TD performance like he had the last time I played my championship opponent.

Ps. How does giving up Ray Rice, Danny Amendola and Vincent Jackson for Frank Gore and Brent Celek a few weeks ago look on your end? Cause it's looking pretty bad over here? (I'm going for my third championship in six years. Trust me, I had a good plan when I made that trade).

Houston at Denver

Someone inform the Texans that they don't need to give opponents a 21-point head start every week. Broncos are surrendering 186.0 ypg on the ground in their last five games. Let's hope the Texans let Foster run loose.

The big question though. Was Tim Tebow's impressive play last week a sign of what's to come or just the "Law of Gus" making the game more interesting than it was expected to be on paper?

San Diego at Cincinnati *Gus Johnson alert

I'm pretty sure Cincinnati was "Akon-in-this-video" happy after their first win in 10 games last week:

Indianapolis at Oakland

Jacksonville slipped. You can't afford to slip with teams like Indy on your coat tails.

NY Giants at Green Bay

THIS was half of America after the Giants game last week.

I fear it's impossible for that loss not to linger in their psyche. I honestly believe we have the most talent in the NFC. We should be in the Super Bowl. But we're so f'n stupid sometimes that we might not even make the playoffs. This game will decide our fate. I've got faith in the G-men though. Word on the street is, they hired Danny Glover as a consultant for the team this week. I heard they're "going back to fundamentals":

Fundamentals? In the middle of the season? Hopefully it helps them avoid blowing 21-point leads in six minutes.

Seattle at Tampa Bay

I was leaning Seahawks because the Bucs have too many injuries on both sides of the ball. But Seattle is really fading fast, losers of six of their last eight. I'm gonna make a late audible and hope it doesn't backfire on me.

Minnesota at Philadelphia

Brett Favre is becoming the killer you can't kill in those murder movies. You hit him over the head with a lamp (hit him with a "sexting" scandal), he goes down. You take a few moments to hug your friends and rejoice that the worst is over. Then you turn around and his body is gone. Oh my gosh, he's not dead? Where is he? Then Dewie gives you a gun and you shoot him three times in the chest (severely injure his shoulder on a big hit), and he goes down. Rejoice! He's finally dead! Turn around. S**t! He's gone again. Damnit! I was sure we got him that time. What do you mean he was wearing a bullet proof vest? Just shoot him in the head! Shoot him in the head! It's the only way to get rid of him! (Maybe that headshot to the frozen tundra Monday night was the last we'll see of Brett.)

New Orleans at Atlanta

New Orleans is very serious about going to Atlanta to take back the division. So serious, they hired this guy to lead the "take back the NFC South" charge. We're not just gonna go to Atlanta!

Byahhhhhhhh!! I know better than to pick against Atlanta at home though.

Last Week: 10-6

Season: 137-87

The Only Thing (besides church) That Lifted My Spirits On This Aggravating Day...

...was this wildly-entertaining video. It's so funny, yet so uplifting at the same time.

Giant Idiots...

Dear New York Giants,

How in the world? How in the f**king world can you be that pathetic? I've never been more enraged after a sporting event in my life. That was the biggest f**king joke I've ever seen. 31-10 with less than 8 minutes left. 31 to f**king 10. And you know what? I wasn't even convinced we had the game at 31-10. Why? Because this team never ceases to f**king amaze me.

Where did you go wrong in this one?

Mario Manningham: Thanks for swinging the momentum towards the Eagles. Tom Coughlin said it best: "How the f**k did you drop that ball?" What way were you holding it that the ball just up and came right out of your hands while you were standing straight up? How is that f**kin possible?

Kenny Phillips: You haven't been a ball hawk once this year. Anytime you had a chance for a big hit you've taken it. Never once did you take a chance on an the interception when a big hit was right in front of you. I don't know if you got greedy, because you thought the game was over or what, but you killed us. Brent Celek. The guy has maybe 3 catches in the last 7 games, and you handed him an 80 yard TD. All you had to do was drill him. He bobbled the ball. That's an incomplete pass, the Eagles still have 80 yards to go and its 3rd down. Instead you take a chance on an interception, get yourself out of position for the tackle, blow the tackle and let the Eagles cut the lead to 14 in under 20 seconds.

Kick-return team/Coughlin/special teams coach/anyone in the Giants organization: Shame on all of you for being gullible enough to believe the thought of an onside kick never crossed the Eagles mind down 14 with 7 minutes left. You put your hands team out there no matter what in that situation. If they kick it off because your hands team is out there, so what, that's what you're hoping they will do. To give the Eagles a free, uncontested onside kick is a joke.

Giants defense: At least you made up for your coaches dumbass mistake by holding the Eagles offense to a TD in a minute and thirty seconds. An extra minute and 10 seconds longer than the last drive was an impressive stand.

Giants offense: Great run blocking, great pass protection, Gilbride great originality with the play-calling, nice blitz protection. That 3 minute drive really did the job.

Giants defense again: Way to hold 'em. How many times did Vick slip under a sack? 3? 4? 5 times? You know what works better? When you have a clean sack opportunity, just take him out by the legs. He is the most illusive quarterback in the history of the game. Why go low when it's the secret to tackling right? Ross, nice job giving up the edge so the containment scheme could fail and Vick could run for 30 yards on 3rd and long. Overall, good effort guys. It took Philly two minutes to go 89 yards and score. You're improving.

Giants offense again: Manning, suburb accuracy that last drive. I don't know if you have a complex against the Eagles that brings out the worst in you, but it's a joke. I know they sacked you 7 times in your first career start, but you won a Super Bowl since then. Be a f**kin pro.

Oh and last but not least...

Matt Dodge: I spent the 2 minutes leading up to your punt thinking, will Dodge drop the long-snap or will he kick it directly to Jackson. I was right about the latter. But at least you came through with a hang time of 0.4 seconds to give your special teams time to get 3 yards down the field on the coverage. You gave Jackson so much time, he had time to fumble the snap, run back and pick it up and still go untouched on the return for a TD. Only you Dodge, only you. I can't wait to see what you can come up with in the playoffs. Oh that's right. To quote Donald Trump, "You're fired!" on Monday. If not in the next six minutes.

Thank you guys. For allowing me to witness the most pathetic effort of all-time in the fourth quarter of an NFL game.

It's amazing how confident my dad and I were you would lose. We almost gave you too much credit, thinking you'd blow it on the first possession of overtime. But no, we were too experienced of fans. We'd seen this before. We couldn't call ourselves true Giants fans if we didn't already know Dodge and the special teams would f**k it up before the end of regulation.

Thanks for nothing.

Sincerely,

Bob

The "Why Hasn't ESPN Hired Me As An NFL Analyst Yet?" Week 15 Picks...

San Francisco at San Diego (Thursday Night Football)

*"It's a Trap!" Game of the Week

Here's proof I got my pick in on time for this game:

Pretend I didn't say I almost took San Fran. Someone must have photoshopped that in.

So at 8-6, the Chargers are now a 1/2 game behind Kansas City for the lead in the AFC West. But Kansas City has a fairly easy schedule ahead. It looks like the Chargers may have dug themselves a hole (haha, a hole) too deep to get out of. Here's how Ron Burgundy, a life-long San Diego fan, feels about that:

Cleveland at Cincinnati

I just found out Toonces is a Bengals fan. I guess they have that feline connection. Someone stop him before he does something drastic:

In a way, Toonces plunge was a perfect representation of the 2010 Cincinnati Bengals.

Washington at Dallas

Top 5 people Tashard Choice is likely to ask for their John Hancock after the game:

1) Donovan McNabb - superstar when Choice was a kid (8 years ago)

2) Clinton Portis - a running back he probably modeled his game after

3) Daniel Synder - it takes quite a talent to be that bad as a GM

4) DeAngelo Hall - gotta respect his speed

5) We're cutting this list down to four, because I'm not sure who else plays for the Redskins

Houston at Tennessee

This is so great. Houston needs a win at Tennessee, at Denver, & home against Jacksonville to finish 8-8........again. I thought this was their year. But as I always say, much like Dippin' Dots, their success will be a thing of the future. Hopefully the Texans are more efficient. At 22 years and counting, Dippin' Dots still maintains their mediocre stance in the marketplace. Can you imagine if the Texans were 8-8 for 22 years in a row? I'm starting to think it's possible. On the bright side, if the divisions ever get re-aligned and the Texans wind up in the NFC West. At 8-8, they'd win the division like 18 of those 22 years.

Jacksonville at Indianapolis

This game actually means something? The Jaguars can lock up the division with a win? You kidding me? I have to admit I'm starting to really like the Jags. After all, they were my third favorite team in 5th grade. I named my scooter football team after them. Had a Brunell jersey and everything. (Side note: I was an All-American in scooter football. My career record was 11-1. I won a championship in 4th grade. I lost the championship in 5th grade on a missed game-winning field goal as time expired by about six inches. I missed the field goal. We were down big at halftime, but my inspirational halftime speech, "It's not over until the fat lady sings," helped charge my team for the comeback. And then I let our team down in the closing seconds in front of the whole school. They voted for All-Americans before the Scooter Bowl that year.) Anyways, I'm really impressed by the Jags right now. Do the Jags always give the Colts trouble? Yes. Do I think the Jags can win this division? Yes. But do I think Peyton Manning will let them do it on his watch? No way.

Kansas City at St. Louis

I really hope Matt Cassel plays in this one. I'm pulling hard for a four-way tie in the NFC West in which the Niners take the division at 6-9-1 (This can seriously happen).

Buffalo at Miami

I tried to find something appealing about this game. Here's what I came up with:

Buffalo WR Roscoe "Dash what's up?" Parrish returns to Miami where he went to college at the "U". Sounds like we're in for a real treat. Make sure you keep the volume on your TV "All the Way Turned Up" for this game. (I suddenly wish I was in Panama City right now)

Detroit at Tampa Bay

Drew Stanton leads teams to comeback victories and spoils playoff hopes. It's a fact. Don't believe me? Check his track record:

Drew Stanton's track record:

Dec. 12, 2010: Led the Lions to a come-from-behind 7-3 victory over the Packers and possibly spoiled their playoff hopes.

The evidence is all there. Tampa Bay ran into this one-man-playoff-spoiling crew at the wrong time.

Blackout Thursday's Game of the Week: ARZ @ CAR
(Awarded to the game most likely to be blacked out on television due to lack of fan interest)

Arizona at Carolina - *Upset?? Special (Can we call this an upset?)

Who wants Andrew Luck more? Steve Smith may purposely drop passes if it means getting rid of Jimmy Clausen. But can you really pick a team who's kicker is also their best quarterback and running back? I don't think so.

Breakout fantasy player for the Cardinals this week:

Ben Graham (punter)

Projected Stats: 14 passing yds, 1 TD, 1 INT, 3 carries, 13 yards, 0 TDs, 7 punts, 43.5 net avg., 54 long - 5.8 fantasy points

New Orleans at Baltimore

Really excited to see this match-up. Tells us a lot about where these two teams stand in the upper echelon of pro football right now. The Saints are quietly flying under the radar. This game gets them back on it.

Philadelphia at NY Giants - *Upset Special

I BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!! I BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Hey Michael! People don't forget."

Ps. I enjoyed DeSean Jackson's showboating on the 1 yard line Sunday night. It looked like Deion Sanders, perhaps the greatest showboat of all, was reincarnated on that Dallas turf.

Atlanta at Seattle

I know Seattle rarely loses at home, but they rarely beat any teams that aren't in the AFC or NFC West, and Atlanta might be the most complete team in football.

NY Jets at Pittsburgh *Bonus "It's a trap!" Game of the Week

The New York Jets. "Where Class Happens."

You'd think being surrounded by all these upstanding young gentlemen on the Jets, this guy would know better. But I guess one bad apple in an organization always slips through the cracks.

I like the Steelers in this one. Not as confident with the news that Troy Polamula isn't expected to play. Score one point for the team arguing the Jets have had a lot of luck this year.

Denver at Oakland *Gus Johnson alert

Denver has officially given up. At one point last week Jay Feely alone was beating the Broncos 22-3! The kicker! Jay Feely! He outscored Denver 25-13 for the game! That's how bad Denver is. That bad.

Also, after watching the owner of the Cubs pathetically do the work of his subordinates on Undercover Boss a few weeks ago, I got to thinking - If I could pick one sports owner to partake in Undercover Boss who would I want it to be? This week, it came to me. Al Davis, owner of the Raiders. Can we make this happen? Some people are speculating Al Davis is actually dead right now. Why? Well, the Raiders recently changed their slogan from "Just Win Baby" (Al's saying) to "Just Cut it Loose" (Cable's saying). They've limited the number of times they send their wide receivers on go-routes (the play Al demands to be run at least 20 times a game). And, well, I don't think anyone has seen Al move in six months. It would be so great to see him on Undercover Boss. I would imagine the episode would turn out something like this (with Bernie Lomax representing Al Davis of course):

Green Bay at New England

Matt Flynn vs. Tom Brady. Hmmm. Tough call.

Chicago at Minnesota (at the University of Minnesota)

This one expects to be a zero degree, wintry Monday Night affair. Third string quarterback Joe Webb vs. the 9-4 Bears. It's hard not to take Chicago in this one. I mean they looked so good last week in a snowy, cold, outdoor match-up versus the Patriots. Gotta take the Bears. Not because they're playing an inexperienced, young quarterback from Alabama in extreme winter conditions. But because the Bears were built for these elements. When the temperature drops, you can count on the Bears.

Last Week: 12-4

Season: 127-81

Winners! Winners! Winners! - My Week 14 Picks...

At 37-11 in my last three weeks, my confidence level is this high right now! THIS HIGH!

If you haven't watched that video you need to go back and watch it. I repeat. If you haven't watched that video you need to go back and watch it. Heck, if you have watched it, go back and watch it again.

Indianapolis at Tennessee (Thursday Night Football)

Peyton Manning has 11 interceptions in his last three games! 11 interceptions! He's thrown 4 TDs in the last two games...to the opposing team! The Colts have lost 3 games in a row. I'm pretty sure the last time that happened I was still learning to read and right write (Okay, bad example). But still, it had to be a decade ago Peyton and the Colts were playing this bad. That's the bad news. The good news. Since leaving the Pats, teams with Randy Moss are now 1-7. Of those teams, the Titans are 0-4 with him. Manning couldn't have picked a better time to stumble into the home state of his alma-mater. I predict next week I write: Since leaving the Pats, teams with Randy Moss are now 1-8. Just a hunch.

Cleveland at Buffalo

Buffalo's biggest mistake last week was injuring Brett Favre. Somewhere Joe Theismann is saying, "You gotta protect the quuuuaaarrrtterrrrBBBBACCCK!" Especially when you're trying to beat the Vikings. Brett would've won the game for Buffalo. They obviously didn't watch any film before last week's game. Or maybe that game was God's way of saying, "Don't question my ways Stevie Johnson! Don't question my ways!"

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh

I know what you're thinking. Pittsburgh solidified themselves as the second best team in the league last week. Cincinnati has lost 9 in a row. You're thinking this is a blowout. But I'm so tempted to make this my upset special of the week. Last year Cincinnati would have came through for me. This year they're saying, "We could come through for you. Or we could just make more commercials and film a reality TV show."

Maybe "Hard Knocks" was the worst thing that could have happened to the Bengals. They liked having their show so much, they became actors first, and football players second.

Ps. Did anyone see Carson Palmer just take the sack to lose the game on Sunday against the Saints? He had no timeouts, there was 2 seconds left on the clock, and all his wide receivers were in single-coverage down field. What did Palmer do? He just stood there and took the sack instead of throwing it up to give his WRs a chance to make a play and win the game. Somewhere Pepper Brooks from Dodgeball is saying, "That's a bold strategy Cotton. Let's see how it works out."

Green Bay at Detroit

Why does it seem like every Lions' game ends in Jim Schwartz going ballistic about a call on the sideline? This team just seems destined to lose every week. Even when they're pretty good, they're still 2-10.

And check out Drew Stanton trying to "Teach Me How to Dougie." Somebody answer his request, and teach him how to dougie!

NY Giants at Minnesota

I've seen the Giants play the Vikings a few times over the years. And every time Eli throws three interceptions to Darren Sharper, two of which are returned for touchdowns. Well, good news - Darren Sharper no longer plays for the Vikings. There has been another constant in this match-up though. We (yes, I play for the Giants) always hold AP to around 43 yards on 20+ carries. But, we also always ruin that by giving up one 40-60 yard TD run for AP. I wish the stats could read Peterson, 20 carries, 43 yards, 0 TD / 1 carry, 59 yards, 1 TD (on one f*** up). But they don't. And Peterson likely will have another 50-yard scamper against us this week. So that's one point for us, one point for the Vikings. But, I do have something that breaks the tie:

We're eternally in Brett Favre's head. If Brett doesn't throw that pick and cost his team a shot at the Super Bowl title, there's a legitimate shot Brett could have (wouldn't cause he didn't have David Tyree) won the Super Bowl that year and retired from the game on top. Instead, the Giants picked him off, the Packers lost, Brett signed with the Jets, sent pictures of his little gunslinger to Jenn Sterger, ended that season on an interception, signed with the Vikings, ended that season on an interception, came back to the Vikings, the pictures surfaced, he lost a lot of games, and right now his status is unknown, but hey, if his season is over, it did end on an interception again. Giants 2, Vikings 1. I'm still a believer G-men.

Tampa Bay at Washington

Tampa Bay lost it's starting center and cornerback this week, and I'm still picking them. Ya know why? Because Washington is paying this guy $100 million:

Atlanta at Carolina

If the Eagles do make the playoffs (and keep in mind I hope they don't), is anyone starting to get really excited for a Falcons-Eagles match-up? I'd say my excitement level is on par with this:

Minus the pills, and the crying, and being scared.

Oakland at Jacksonville

Can this team realistically win the division race against Peyton Manning and the Colts? Yes. Did I pick the Colts to win the Super Bowl in the preseason? Yes. Does that make me want to throw my computer out the window when I read that column? Yes.

Seattle at San Francisco - Upset Special*

Somebody slap me if I'm wrong about this one. San Fran, the least you could do is make me look good picking you one time this season.

St. Louis at New Orleans

Normally we'd be talking about the "Madden Curse" right now, and how it was affecting Drew Brees' play and hurting the Saints as a result. And if you recall, the Saints were 4-3 at one point this year, struggling to compete with a lot of teams. That was until Jets fans reversed the curse on Drew Brees, and brought it upon someone else. We'll get to that in a moment...

Miami at NY Jets

A lot of people are probably expecting me to really lay into the Jets right here. I think they laid into themselves enough on Monday night. I've scoured the Earth looking for the wittiest thing to say about that game, and I've got nothing. The game shocked the wit right out of me.

I can say this though: Ladanian deserves the Jets "Play of the Game." And he's got a celebration to prove it. Quality first down bro. Quality.

One more thing. I think Jets fans got ahead of themselves again. And it cost their team the game on Monday night. The Jets fans I know like to get ahead of themselves on a consistent basis. Heck, the team does too. Case in point: 1) The Jets appear to think they won the Super Bowl last year 2) The Jets appear to think they already won the Super Bowl this year 3) Jets fans appear to feel the same way.

Well, I came across this photo last week:

Jets fans are so concerned with getting ahead of themselves, they already put Rex Ryan on the cover of Madden 2011. Thereby putting the Madden Curse on Rex Ryan and the Jets before this season even ended. They got so ahead of themselves they inadvertently cursed their team before they won the Super Bowl, and likely cost themselves the Super Bowl.

The Jets had no chance on Monday night if you really think about it.

Denver at Arizona

Pick your poison folks. Fact! Interim coaches win their first game this year. Fact!

Ps. Is former Bronco, Mark Schlereth's "'Stinkin' Good Green Chile" the best kept secret at ESPN right now? How was I not aware this existed? How has this not gone viral? Or did I miss this years ago?

Kansas City at San Diego - *Gus Johnson alert

I'm beginning to think the Chargers aren't going to Go! Chargers! Go! to the playoffs. But I do believe they'll string together a nice bounce-back game against the Chiefs. Doesn't mean the Chargers will win the division, because I think the Chiefs probably will. But I do think the Chargers will take this one in San Diego.

New England at Chicago - "It's a Trap!" Game of the Week

Last week, I ignored my "trap" game and took the Chargers to beat the Raiders. Well guess what? The Raiders beat the Chargers...handedly. This week, I'm looking my trap game right in the eye, and I'm still ignoring it's warning sign. This is a bad idea. But it's really hard to think a team playing as well as the Pats could lose right now. I'm going to prematurely accept defeat on this pick. But that won't help my win column. Cause I'm still taking the Pats.

Ps. The Bears dropped a spot in the power rankings after their win last week. If they win the Super Bowl, I'm half convinced they'll be ranked #4 in the final rankings the following week.

Philadelphia at Dallas

I expect DeMarcus Ware to create problems for Vick, but I still see the Eagles squeaking out a win in this one. I need you to win this one Dallas. I need to be wrong about this pick.

Speaking of things that are wrong, here's something that is so wrong it's right:

Roy Williams was quoted saying last week that he's "the most consistent wide receiver on the Cowboys." I laughed out loud when I heard this - thinking he couldn't be any more wrong. But then I got to thinking. You know what Roy? You're absolutely right. Each and every week you usually compile 1-2 catches for 7-16 yards. That is consistency when it all comes down to it. Touche Roy, touche.

In other news about this game, Michael Vick is the leading vote-getter for the Pro-Bowl this year. What are the odds? I wonder how the head of PETA feels about this?

Baltimore at Houston

As many of you may already know, for a long time I've been comparing the Texans to Dippin' Dots. Dippin' Dots has been the ice cream of the future for the last 22 years. The Texans have been the team of the future for the last five. I've always wondered, after 22 years, if the future would ever actually become the present and we'd prefer Dippin' Dots over, oh say, Turkey Hill. And I've always wondered if the Texans, the team of the future, would ever become the team of the present. If the Texans keep their abysmal play up, I'm going to have to pull the Dippin' Dots label off of them and start dubbing them "Space Ice Cream" - the ice cream we know will suck whether it be the past, present or future.

Last Week: 11-5

Season: 115-77

Week 13 Picks...

No one has any idea what's going on in the NFL right now. Power rankings are changing every week. Analysts think they know who the best teams are. But they don't. How am I supposed to make picks when nothing that happens each week makes sense? Look at this chart:

I rest my case.

BUT....

I ran some tests and came up with a few complex algorithms, and I think I've cracked the code for this parity chart. Anything less than 16-0 this week will be a disappointment.

Houston at Philadelphia (Thursday Night Football)

Before I start. Is anyone actually going to watch this game? Lebron James is going to motha f****n' Cleveland that night. I repeat. Lebron James is returning to Cleveland. This should be on Pay Per View. I heard the first 10,000 fans get fake daggers to stab in their back. And guess what? It's burn your Lebron jersey night! At halftime, fans will pay tribute to the "King" with a bonfire at center court, giving each fan a chance to toss their old jersey into the blaze. These are just ideas coming to me right now and I'm not even a Cleveland fan. Imagine what they have in mind? Especially this guy:

By the way, is there any way Cleveland isn't winning this game? This may be my mortal lock of the millennium (not to be confused with Will Smith's hit CD, Willennium (Yes, that's a link to buy Willennium. Who wouldn't want that?)).

So there's also that football game on NFL network. About that. They say in competition it's "not about the size of the dog in the fight, it's about the size of the fight in the dog." Tell that to Cortland Finnegan. He got rocked by the bigger dog.

Oh s***, this is the Eagles game, now's not the time to be referencing "fighting" and "dogs". I'm sorry Mike. I like what you're doing with your second chance though.

Cut to Tony Dungy, shaking his head disapprovingly at me...

Moving on...

Washington at NY Giants

I owe an apology to the Giants for last week. I doubted them, and they proved me wrong. Which prompted this text from my friend, Rone:

"I saw you had a pretty good week with your picks...if only you didn't doubt your G-men it would have been a fantastic week haha."

As if it didn't hurt enough already. I'm a believer this week.

Denver at Kansas City

Head coach Josh McDaniels is cheating and Denver still can't win. How bad is this team? I'm taking the team that's playing Denver.

Jacksonville at Tennessee *Gus Johnson alert

Need I remind you what happened the last time Gus Johnson called a Jaguars game?

Gus nearly jizzed his pants. Gus' presence alone could turn Rusty Smith into a Pro-Bowl quarterback on Sunday. This was no question a Jaguars victory until Gus Johnson came into the mix.

I guess I'm gonnnnnnnnnaa goooooooo withhhhhhh theeeeeeee JJJJJJJAAAAAGUUUUUUUAAAAAAAARRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

San Francisco at Green Bay

This is me when I found out Frank Gore was out for the season:

He's on my fantasy team. There goes $20. I don't know if San Francisco is capable of getting to the 6-10 record they need, to win the NFC West without Gore.

Cleveland at Miami

I didn't have any "divine moments" this week that would encourage me to pick the Dolphins. But, they've kind of been one of my go-to picks all along this year. And I'm not gonna change that this week. They're only losses came to the Pats, Jets, Ravens, Steelers and Bears. I'm pretty sure this team is really good.

Buffalo at Minnesota *Upset Special

I could say a lot of things about Stevie Johnson and his message on Twitter the other day, but I'll let Bach Talk do it for you. My advice to him, in one sentence: Bills fans will "forget this," you should too.

On Minnesota's end. Interim coach Leslie Frazier helped Jenn Sterger's case this week:

Oh we believe it Leslie. We believe it all too well. It's no secret, Brett is comfortable being naked. I know that. You know that. Jenn Sterger especially knows that. It's a fact. He's also comfortable in his Wrangler jeans. After all, they're: "Real. Comfortable. Jeans." And I'm comfortable taking the Bills in this one. If Johnson doesn't drop that catch they're still the hottest team in the NFL right now.

Chicago at Detroit

Since Detroit already won this match-up in Week 1...

...as evidenced here:

I can't expect another upset victory for the Lions. I took the Bears as the underdog last week. I'll take them as the favorite this week.

New Orleans at Cincinnati

Drew Brees was named Sports Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year" the other day. I guess that means no athlete did anything impressive since February. Let's look at our usual candidates for this honor:

Derek Jeter - had a career-worst year and can't even get a contract extension from a team he brought four titles to.

Tiger Woods - spent the early part of the year in "sex addiction rehab," and won no tour events for the first time in his career.

Brett Favre - threw a trip to the Super Bowl across his body and away (literally), retired (again), came back, led the Vikings to a 3-7 start, and allegedly sent pictures of his junk to former Jets employee Jenn Sterger.

Lebron James - gave up on his team in the playoffs, made a spectacle out of his free agency, conducted a prime time event titled, "The Decision," so he could back-stab a city that stayed behind him his whole life on national television, while at the same time destroying the city's economy.

Huh. I guess it was kind of a down year for the usual candidates. Who knew this award would be decided in the first month of 2010?

Anyways, back to the game. Chad Ochocinco had this to say on Twitter this week:

It's bad when it's Week 12 and you just start to realize you need to straighten out your priorities. The Bengals of "Hard Knocks" have come and gone.

Oakland at San Diego

Your classic "trap" game. San Diego is coming off a 22-point slashing of the Colts on Sunday night. Analysts alike are already crowning them the "cream of the crop" in the AFC. This game has every ingredient for a San Diego let down. But if there's one thing I've learned over the past 3-4 years, it's that San Diego has no let downs during their end-of-the-season-perfect-streak runs. The first half of the season and the playoffs? That's another story. But "let-down" isn't in San Diego's vocabulary come November or December.

Carolina at Seattle

Every person still alive in their survivor league was probably down on their knees praying John Kasay would miss that game-winning field goal at the end of regulation on Sunday. Hey! Maybe that's why Stevie Johnson dropped the ball. God was so overwhelmed with all the prayers begging him to let John Kasay miss that field goal, he didn't get a chance to help Stevie out. Suddenly it all makes sense. You don't see John Kasay questioning God now, do ya Stevie?

Expect another disappointing ending for Carolina in Seattle.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay

All year I have refused to really give credit to either of these teams. And my picks are suffering because of it. Tampa Bay gave Atlanta a run for their money last time, but Atlanta is riding a streak of confidence right now. I'll take the better team on the road in this one.

St. Louis at Arizona

Boy was that one of the worst games of Monday Night Football I've ever seen. The Cardinals might be the worst team in the league. I will give them credit for one thing though. Damnit, their quarterback puts his heart and soul into each and every week. And it's no laughing matter.

Dallas at Indianapolis

What happened to the Colts? Yeah, they're decimated with injuries, but when did that ever matter? Since when is Reggie Wayne unreliable? He's dropping catches most anyone - with the possible exception of Stevie Johnson - in the league could catch. He's supposed to be Mr. Consistent. Something about the whole team and their demeanor is off. Start playing like Super Bowl contenders! I picked you pre-season to win it all. This is starting to get embarrassing.

These next two games mean something. I mean they're pretty much the most important game of the year for these four squads. The winners likely win their division and the losers are likely a Wild Card team. Which means, the winners would get a bye and the losers would likely play a healthy Colts or Chargers team on the road. Not exactly a spot I'd want my team in. I don't have to worry about it, but the Giants will find a way to torment me in another way.

Pittsburgh at Baltimore

I still think Pittsburgh is the better team. But, there's talk of Big Ben being injured this week, Baltimore is a great team at home, and James Harrison should pick up just enough personal fouls to put Baltimore in a position to win, and get him fined another $25,000 when it's all said and done.

NY Jets at New England

The Game of the Week. You know it'll be a close game. It always is in these divisional, arch-rival match-ups. So let's break everything down. I'll include stuff that you'll think probably doesn't matter, but trust me, it does.

I know Jets fans are going to say I never gave them a chance. But the truth is, you have to look at the facts. The Patriots constantly come through in big games. Their two random games this year were against the Colts and the Chargers. Those same games for the Jets were against the Broncos and the Texans. They're not battle-tested like the Pats are. And the Pats won all of those battles. They're a new team without Randy Moss. They're playing at home. And I think they want this one just a little more than the Jets. They don't take embarrassment very well. The Jets embarrassed them earlier this year. You think Tom Brady hasn't had this game circled on his calendar since 4:00pm that day? Sure it's next to UGG ad photo-shoots and hair plug treatments, but when he's on the field and away from Gisele, he comes to play. Yes Sanchez has been clutch, but I think this is a whole new level for him. The offense goes through him now, not the run game. Is he going to be able to make the big throws in a game of this magnitude when it matters? I'm not so sure. I know Tom will. But I don't know about Mark. The cocky and care free approach is all in good fun and it works against the lesser opponents. But it won't work against the Pats. They got practice off on Wednesday because they've been so focused all week. Bellichick never does that. The Patriots want this one more.

Last Week: 14-2 (season best)

Season: 104-72

Week 12 Picks...

New England at Detroit

There hasn't been a close game on Thanksgiving since I was nine. In fact, there's been better games in my backyard. The last good Thanksgiving game I remember was a 19-16 Lions overtime victory over the Steelers. And the only reason the Lions won was because the referee said Jerome Bettis called "heads" on the coin toss, when all of America knew he called "tails." The Lions have lost six straight on Thanksgiving. They've been outscored 213-74 in that span. And they're 2-8 this decade. New England, on the other hand, is playing better than arguably anyone in the NFL. Their young defense is finally coming together and Tom Brady continues to make their young receivers look like Pro-Bowlers. Is this game the easiest game of all time to pick? It just might be. For this reason, I'm starting the Patriots defense and Wes Welker over Terrell Owens on my fantasy team.

New Orleans at Dallas

Dallas has won five of their last six on Turkey Day. They've won two in a row under their new head coach. Dez Bryant is a man-child. Earlier in the week, I was contemplating picking this as an upset. But this is the one chance I might get to see Dallas lose on Thanksgiving. That's so rare these days. I need this win New Orleans. I need it!

Cincinnati at NY Jets

10 months ago the Jets played Cincinnati twice in two weeks. The Jets outscored them 61-14 in those two games. Since then, the Jets have gotten better and the Bengals have gotten worse. Just ask TO:

It's fitting that the NFL Network would schedule this as the night game. After all, so far we've seen the Broncos beat the Giants 26-6, the Eagles beat the Cardinals 48-20, and the Colts beat the Falcons 31-13 in this annual match-up. Why wouldn't we get to see the Jets beat the Bengals 41-6? That's television at it's best.

Green Bay at Atlanta

This game will tell us a lot about the race for supremacy in the NFC. It's really hard to pick against Aaron Rodgers.

Pittsburgh at Buffalo

Watch out Steelers. The Bills are the hottest team in football right now (Sorry Dave). Be happy Gus Johnson isn't calling this one Pittsburgh.

Carolina at Cleveland

Great match-up for Survivor Pick leagues. I bet none of you have used Cleveland, and I bet all of you consistently pick whoever is playing the Panthers each week.

(Ps. Steve Smith (Carolina) was dropped in my fantasy league this week. And no one picked him up. He was a second to third round pick in most leagues. He's not even hurt. That's how bad Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen are. That bad).

Jacksonville at NY Giants

Derek Hagan, Duke Calhoun, Michael Clayton (yeah, the bust from the Buccaneers). These guys represent 3/4 of the Giants receiving core. Oh and Brandon Jacobs, our 265 lb. running back that tries to run outside and can't convert on 3rd and 1 is the new starter. It's great to be a Giants fan right now.

On a side note, Tom Coughlin and the Giants should be saying this about the Eagles this week:

Minnesota at Washington

I still think Tavaris Jackson should be starting this game. But now that the most hated man in the locker room (Childress) is gone, I think the Vikings rally for their new coach and win a game.

Tennessee at Houston

Since leaving the Patriots, teams with Randy Moss are 1-5 this year. Oh and the Patriots are 5-1. Bill Bellichick, the genius, strikes again.

Last week we learned that Vince Young throws interceptions and temper-tantrums. Jeff Fisher assuaged that problem, taking away his privilege to throw interceptions and attend team meetings. Young is now out for the season, and likely out forever in Tennessee.

If you want to learn how to blow games in the most heartbreaking way possible, call 1-800-I-Wanna-B-A-Texan.

But if Houston wants to be 8-8, and I know they do. They need to win this game, and they will.

Kansas City at Seattle

Your classic AFC/NFC West match-up. The ratings on this one must be through the roof.

Miami at Oakland *Gus Johnson alert

I really couldn't decide on this game. But last night, I met a girl that taught me the Dolphins' fight song and a weird fin thing they do. I'm gonna take that as a sign they're winning this game. Maybe they'll try running the ball over putting it all in the hands of their third string quarterback? Maybe?

St. Louis at Denver

Denver looked like a high school football team on Monday night.

Again, your classic AFC/NFC West match-up. The ratings on this one must be through the roof.

Philadelphia at Chicago Upset Special*

I think BachTalk just had a heart attack. The Giants exposed the blueprint for beating Mike Vick, but they were too stupid to fully execute it. The Bears are the one defense, athletically, that I find most similar to the Giants. I think they finish what the Giants started.

The head of PETA was elated the Giants had Mike Vick on the ropes last week. Then on 4th and 1, Lesean McCoy led Mike Vick to victory, keeping #7's MVP hopes alive. Here's how the head of PETA reacted on McCoy's 50 yard scamper:

Tampa Bay at Baltimore

Baltimore is flying under the radar right now. They're near the top of the power rankings each week, but no one is really talking about them. That's exactly where I'd want my team to be.

San Diego at Indianapolis *Upset Special

This is going against everything I believe in when it comes to making picks. The Chargers are on the road coming off a Monday night game. And Peyton Manning is playing on prime time television. But this is the time of year the Chargers go on a ridiculous perfect run to end the regular season. Yes, Norv Turner will lead them to lose to a lesser foe in the playoffs. But they will look damn good from here on out in the regular season.

San Francisco at Arizona

The biggest question in this one: How will John Gruden find something good to say about either of these teams? He finds a way to make every team seem like the toast of the NFL each Monday night. But there's literally nothing good to say about these teams right now.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Last Week: 12-4 (season best)

Season: 90-70

Week 11 Picks...

Chicago at Miami (Thursday Night Football)

The "Return of Chad" lasted two plays. Him and Bob Sanders are the football equivalent to Greg Oden. Bless their soles. I know how you feel guys. My senior year of high school, I tore ligaments in my shooting hand a week before the opener. Some (myself) would argue my school missed out on a national championship, because of that injury. You always want to be there for your team week-in and week-out, but sometimes you just can't be.

Chicago is 5-2 when I pick against them. Bach Talk texted me this earlier today: "Just pick [the Dolphins]. If the Bears win, I get to taunt you. If the Dolphins win, you're happy and I beat you up." So just for that I'm picking the Bears. Odds are they won't win, and you can't beat me up if they don't. Totally foiled your plan dude.

Buffalo at Cincinnati

I picture this game ending like this:

It's not going to be pretty. It will be close. Down the stretch something absolutely ridiculous will happen. And in the end, Gus Johnson will make it exciting as hell.

Detroit at Dallas

This might be my "mortal lock of the century." I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure that without Gus Johnson announcing this, there's literally no way Dallas can lose. Kinda funny that the Lions two best players (prior to this season) in the last five years are lining up against them (John Kitna and Roy Williams). Sure the Lions were 0-16 with those guys at the helm, but it's the guys surrounding them (Dez Bryant, Miles Austin, DeMarcus Ware) the Lions should be worried about.

Washington at Tennessee

On Sunday, it appeared Donovan McNabb signed a 5 year, $70 million contract with $40 million guaranteed. That night Donovan lost 59-28 to his former team, at the hands of the third string quarterback he mentored the year before. All while the man Philadelphia kicked him out of town for, Kevin Kolb, watched from the bench. The next day we learned that McNabb's contract is only really worth $3.5 million guaranteed. I think it's safe to say McNabb is having one of the worst weeks ever.

Tennessee was bad last week, so they'll be good this week.

Arizona at Kansas City

"Eff You" game for Todd Haley. Sure the "eff you" is directed at Josh McDaniels and the Broncos for running up the score against them last week. But you think Todd Haley cares? The man is heated. It's a shame the Cardinals had to be the sacrificial lamb in all of this.

Green Bay at Minnesota

If Minnesota wins, I think Brett Favre retires. The closest thing he'll ever have to going out on top is beating Aaron Rodgers in a regular season match-up in Week 11. Haven't we learned over the last three years that Brett doesn't want to retire? I think he throws this game.

(Ps. For a guy that cares so much about helping his team win, he has an awful way of showing it. Don't you think if he really wanted his team to win, he wouldn't play on a broken ankle and a shoulder that needs surgery? Oh the records don't matter to you Brett? Then why won't you sit out, rest up and play healthy down the stretch? Why did you come back to make sure your interception record was out of reach? I hope Tom Brady loses this week. If he ties and then breaks Favre's record of 25 straight wins at home, the old gunslinger might die trying to re-break that record.)

Houston at NY Jets

I could say a lot of things about the Texans right now, but I'll let Tom Hanks some it up for all of us:

Oakland at Pittsburgh

Did I ever think Oakland at Pittsburgh would be the hardest pick for me this week? No way. A wise man told me Oakland's success is highly-dependent on its run game. Pittsburgh has the best rush defense in the league. I'll give the "Steel Curtain" the nod.

Baltimore at Carolina

You know your team is bad when most people pick whoever is playing you over whoever is playing the Bills in their survivor pools.

Cleveland at Jacksonville

Both hot hands right now. Cleveland lost last week. Jacksonville is still on a heater. And you never leave the table on a heater.

Tampa Bay at San Francisco

"Operation get to 6-10 and win the NFC West" moves one step closer to mission accomplished.

Seattle at New Orleans

Two weeks ago I dubbed the Saints/Carolina game the "Return of Reggie." I obviously didn't check the injury report. This week I know Reggie really wants to play, and I think he will. Pete Carroll has taken no blame for the USC recruiting scandal. Instead, he stepped aside and let all the blame fall on Bush. Something tells me Reggie will be high-stepping into the end zone this week. If he doesn't run out of bounds and clock Pete in the face first instead.

Atlanta at St. Louis *Upset Special

Simply for the fact that every team that suddenly has a case to be the new #1 (see ESPN's power rankings), instantly gets upset the next week.

Indianapolis at New England

Did we ever think this match-up, Brady (2176 yards, 17 TDs, 4 INTs) vs. Manning (2663 yards, 16 TDs, 4 INTs), would be a match-up between the NFL's second and third best quarterbacks? And that the quarterback ahead of them both...might be Michael Vick (1350 yards, 15 TDs (4 rush), 0 INTs, 115.1 passer rating, 341 rushing yards - in 5 1/2 games!)?

NY Giants at Philadelphia

Footage of the head of PETA was captured during last week's Monday night game, while Michael Vick put on a performance for the ages. CLICK HERE to see it.

Denver at San Diego

John Gruden's "Corny Saying of the Game":

"San Diego came "charged up" to win this game!"

John Gruden's "Player of the Game":

Everybody on the field. Cause John Kruden literally praises every player on the field during Monday night games. Expect him to say something like this: "Brandon Lloyd? Boy is this guy special. He's got speed like a gazelle out there Jaws. And the softest hands around. Boy would I like to have a guy like Brandon Lloyd on my team. Yeah, he's a real player."

Last Week: 8-6

Season: 78-66

Week 10 Picks...

Baltimore at Atlanta (Thursday Night Football)

For the simple reason that the AFC is superior to the NFC. Atlanta is undefeated at home, but a few of their wins haven't been pretty. The Buccaneers were one yard away from victory against the Falcons last week, and the 2-6 Niners were a Roddy White stripped fumble away from upsetting them in Hot-lanta earlier this year. I think this is a good game, but defense prevails. It's a shame half of America won't be able to watch this one, as it airs on the NFL Network. It's a good match-up. Enjoy staring at the game cast online people.

Detroit at Buffalo

Buffalo is playing their heart out right now. They're really giving it their best. Sean Connery has a message for the Bills:

Take down the Lions, Buffalo! Go f*** the prom queen!

(Side note: Has there ever been another time when an 0-8 team has been favored to win by 3 points, when they weren't playing another 0-8 team?)

Minnesota at Chicago

Everyday it's a new Viking that hates Brad Childress. First Percy Harvin gets into a confrontation with him at practice. Now quite a few players are stepping up and saying they have a problem with Childress. Where's a leader like Jackie Moon when you need one?

I'm still taking the Vikings.

NY Jets at Cleveland

The Jets are due for a good game. The Browns are due for a bad one. Looks like Rex moves to 3-0 against brother, Rob.

Tennessee at Miami

All I can say is, Tennessee better have a damn good caterer. I think Chad Pennington shines in his return. The man's never a thrown a ball farther than six yards. You never lose that. It's like riding a bicycle or tying your shoes.

Cincinnati at Indianapolis

I honestly feel bad for the semi-decent teams that roll into Indy following one of the Colts' losses. It's just not fair. Especially when they're on a short week after a Monday night loss to the Steelers.

Houston at Jacksonville

Highest scoring game of the week for sure. It's gonna be 35-28, or 38-35 when it's all said and done. Last man standing (in other words: last team with the ball) wins. I think it's the Texans.

Ps. I think it's safe to say the Texans are still comparable to Dip n' Dots. Both advertise to be the king of the future (one in football, the other in ice-cream). But how long can a team say that before we start to stop believing that? Will the future ever become the present for either? I'm not so sure.

Pss. Gus Johnson is calling this game. There is no way this isn't a shootout. The possibilities are endless for how this game might end. I'm gonna say Joel Dressen returns an onside kick 37 yards for a touchdown to seal the deal. When Gus Johnson is at the mic, anything is possible:

Carolina at Tampa Bay

Tampa Bay gave Atlanta much more trouble than I anticipated. Carolina is contemplating benching Matt Moore for Jimmy Clausen. That would mean they benched Moore for Clausen, then benched Clausen for Moore, and then benched Moore for Clausen again. Two times in one season they're benching a guy for another guy that's already been benched by the guy they're benching now. That's when you know there's a problem.

Kansas City at Denver *Upset Special

Even in defeat, Kansas City looked good last week. I never thought the AFC West would be evenly matched from the top down while Rivers and Gates were still in their prime. Denver, at 2-6, seems to be the worst of the group. Since starting off 6-0 last year, they're 4-14. Josh McDaniels let go of Peyton Hillis - who can't be stopped - and added Laurence Maroney - who can't get going. They're doing all the wrong things. But, I still think this team has potential. I also have a hunch that in the "Mile High" city, they'll steal one from a Chiefs team that isn't ready to be at the top yet, and open the door for Oakland or San Diego to take the reigns.

Seattle at Arizona

I'm going to give the nod to the home team. I care so little about this game, I'm not even going to research it. We'll just say the home team's going to take this one.

Dallas at NY Giants

The injuries to the Giants' offensive line are starting to add up, and it's starting to scare me a little. But every time I watch this team and I think about where they could finish this season, I: CLICK HERE.

St. Louis at San Francisco

If they don't start winning now, the Niners will never get to 6-10 and win this division.

New England at Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh's really come a long way. Just a few weeks ago Big Ben was pissing everywhere in public and assaulting girls on a weekly basis. Now they're the closest thing to a clear-cut favorite for the Super Bowl. Funny how quickly things change. Speaking of things that changed quickly. How quickly did analysts realize they jumped the gun on deeming the Patriots the best team in the NFL?

Philadelphia at Washington

I once knew a guy with all the talent in the world. He played on one of the biggest stages in college football, the Sugar Bowl - and shined there. His draft stock instantly rose to the top of the leaderboard. Al Davis and the Raiders took a chance on him. Only he failed miserably, was eventually cut, and fell into some hard times with a drug problem.

Me: "You know who that guy was Danny?"

Danny: "No."

Me: "Take one good guess."

Danny: "Jamarcus Russell?"

Me: "(Laughter) Nooo, no that guy was Mitch Cumstein, my roommate. Good guy."

Okay, you're right. It was Jamarcus Russell. And things are so bad in Washington that they actually held a tryout for him last week. I think it's safe to say Washington has a problem. And I'm not talking about the government.

Last Week: 9-4

Season: 70-60

Quite Possibly the Greatest Sports Video Ever...

Above we have footage of Eagles head coach Andy Reid at age 13 in a Punt, Pass and Kick contest. The footage was aired during the Colts-Eagle game earlier today. I couldn't contain myself with laughter when this came on. He is literally twice the size of the other competitors!! Literally twice the size!! An absolute mammoth of a child. How many passports and birth certificates did this guy need show to get approved for this contest? "You're 13-years-old? Really? Thirteen?" The man looks no younger than 46, and I think I'm being generous. Just look at the little kids standing behind him. Unbelievable!

Word on the street is, Andy needed to borrow a uniform from a player on the Rams, because the P-P-K officials didn't have any uniforms that could fit him. Something tells me the guy he borrowed it from was a 346 lb. defensive tackle.

Of all the video flashbacks I've ever seen in my near 20 year history of watching sports, this is by far, hands down, my most favorite one ever. I promise I will incorporate this video in as many blogs as I can going forward.

When I look at Andy Reid from now on, no longer will I see a poor time manager, with a high propensity to lose challenges, waste timeouts, and cost his team the game. No, no, no. When I look at Andy Reid, I will forever see the 13-year-old mammoth of a boy, who's parents obviously slipped HGH into his Cherrios.

Images taken from Google Images and barstoolsports.com

Week 9 Picks...

Tampa Bay at Atlanta

Flash forward to Tampa Bay's press conference at 4:30pm eastern time on Sunday:

Raheem Morris: "We're the second best team in the NFC!"

Chicago at Buffalo* My Upset Special

As I was driving back from Connecticut last Sunday, I stumbled across the official radio station of the Buffalo Bills. Man was it depressing. I mean I really felt for Bills fans. The Giants were pretty damn bad during my childhood, but 0-7? Even "Big Blew" wasn't that bad in the mid-to-late 90s. As they took callers, I was expecting fans to talk about how much they sucked. But instead, they were all pleased with the effort the team was giving on the field. It's no secret, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Fred Jackson and Steve Johnson don't lead the Pro Bowl ballets. And could I name one player on their defense?

(Thinking....)

(Thinking....)

Takeo Spikes? I'm gonna say no.

So it's pretty respectable the way this team has played the last two weeks. I've been thinking all along, this is the week for them. The Bears aren't playing like they're 4-3. The Bills have the worst rush defense in the NFL, but the Bears don't run the ball! It's just not a Mike Martz thing to do. Who better to give the Bills the big turnovers they need than Jay Cutler? And what better place for the Bills to win, than at a home game in Toronto (just to make the win a little less sweet, and prevent Bills' fans from having a heart attack from the overwhelming joy)?

I think the Bills can do this. In fact, any doubt I had that the Bills might not have what it takes disappeared when BachTalk, a long time Bears fan, told me tonight that he thought the Bills were going to win. It's their destiny.

New England at Cleveland

Look at Cleveland standing up for themselves. Good for them:

I feel like this is a sign, telling me to take Cleveland over New England. Or maybe it's saying, don't take Miami over Baltimore. Or maybe, this video just has nothing to do with football. Yeah, I think I'll take it as that.

So who do I take?

I almost forgot. The Browns suck. Thanks for reminding me dude.

Miami at Baltimore

Miami's only losses have come to the three best teams in the NFL in my opinion (Steelers, Jets, Patriots). A loss to the Ravens will round out the top four. Tough schedule. This is a great team.

NY Jets at Detroit* My Upset Special #2

I keep going back and forth on this one. Earlier this week, I really thought the Lions could pull it off. They're the hardest sub-.500 team to pick against in my opinion. Calvin Johnson is a mismatch for Revis. But, I don't see why Ryan wouldn't put Cromartie on Johnson instead. Cromartie's size and athleticism would limit Johnson's production substantially. There's no way Best is running the ball on the Jets' front seven. It's hard to imagine how the Jets would lose. The Lions' defense is really underrated. They could potentially shut down the Jets offense. Should I just go with a 0-0 tie? I guess I'll stick with my gut, as all pick-makers should. I'll say Calvin's skills are better than Cromartie's skills, and I'll give the nod to the home team.

New Orleans at Carolina

Carolina made this a game in their first meeting. New Orleans seems to have the wheels back on track though. We'll call this one the "Return of Reggie." I'm feeling a 7-yard TD reception out of him in this one. Mark it down fantasy owners in search of a running back to fill your starter's bye week. Mark it down.

San Diego at Houston

Because they're even finding ways to win with the worst special teams, maybe, ever.

Arizona at Minnesota

Never bet against a team with a coach that already knows he's fired, a quarterback that's halfway retired/involved in a sexual harassment scandal, a #1 wide-out that's hobbling on an injured ankle, a defense averaging less than one sack a game, a caterer that makes food Randy Moss wouldn't feed to his dog, and an organization that thinks they're so good they'll give away their 2011 3rd round draft pick just to prove it. You just can't bet against a team like that. It's science.

NY Giants at Seattle

The Giants' front four is so good, they knocked Matt Hasselbeck out of the game three days before kickoff. The Giants are coming off their bye week (6-15 all-time), they're playing at Qwest Field, and they're playing against Seattle's backup quarterback. Trust me. As a Giants fan, this has all the makings of being a loss for Big Blue. They always lose after their bye, I don't think they've ever won at Qwest Field, and I don't think I've ever seen them beat a backup quarterback. This is like the "Perfect Storm" of ways the Giants generally torment their fans. I'm gonna try and maintain faith though.

(Ps. There's actually a tribute to Charlie Whitehurst on YouTube. I never would have guessed that.)

(Pss. Seattle fans would rather start Whitehurst and lose than start Hasselbeck and risk further injury. How intimidating is this front four?)

Indianapolis at Philadelphia

Let's consult the game-picking rule book:

Article 1, Section 4:

"You never pick a road team on short rest after Monday Night Football."

However, it seems there is a clause:

Amendment #18:

"Article 1, Section 4 always remains true. Unless you're picking against Peyton Manning."

Kansas City at Oakland

According to video footage, Al Davis is alive and well. And so are the Raiders.

(Side Note: There's no telling when the footage was actually taken, so we can't be sure Al hasn't been dead for six months.)

Dallas at Green Bay

Roy Williams expects the Cowboys to run the table, win nine straight, and win the Super Bowl. I expect Blake Lively to ring my doorbell in the next 30 seconds, saying her car broke down and she needs a place to stay for the night.

(Waiting...)

(Still waiting...)

Didn't happen. And neither will your prediction Roy.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati

TO had this to say about the Bengals performance last week:

"Well, I don't really want to start anything, but I did play in the Super Bowl and there were rumors where [Donovan McNabb] couldn't get our two-minute offense going at the end of the game. I'm just saying."

Oh that's right, TO cares about everything except the Bengals. Funny thing about the rumors TO is mentioning? He was the one that started them in the first place a few years ago.

I think what I'm trying to say is. How am I going to pick against the #1 team in my power rankings, when they're playing a team that's best players are more concerned with Twitter, TV careers and grudges that should have ended years ago?

Oh that's right I'm not. I'm taking the Steelers.

Last Week: 7-6

Season: 61-56