Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Week 13 Picks...

No one has any idea what's going on in the NFL right now. Power rankings are changing every week. Analysts think they know who the best teams are. But they don't. How am I supposed to make picks when nothing that happens each week makes sense? Look at this chart:

I rest my case.


I ran some tests and came up with a few complex algorithms, and I think I've cracked the code for this parity chart. Anything less than 16-0 this week will be a disappointment.

Houston at Philadelphia (Thursday Night Football)
Before I start. Is anyone actually going to watch this game? Lebron James is going to motha f****n' Cleveland that night. I repeat. Lebron James is returning to Cleveland. This should be on Pay Per View. I heard the first 10,000 fans get fake daggers to stab in their back. And guess what? It's burn your Lebron jersey night! At halftime, fans will pay tribute to the "King" with a bonfire at center court, giving each fan a chance to toss their old jersey into the blaze. These are just ideas coming to me right now and I'm not even a Cleveland fan. Imagine what they have in mind? Especially this guy:

By the way, is there any way Cleveland isn't winning this game? This may be my mortal lock of the millennium (not to be confused with Will Smith's hit CD, Willennium (Yes, that's a link to buy Willennium. Who wouldn't want that?)).

So there's also that football game on NFL network. About that. They say in competition it's "not about the size of the dog in the fight, it's about the size of the fight in the dog." Tell that to Cortland Finnegan. He got rocked by the bigger dog.

Oh s***, this is the Eagles game, now's not the time to be referencing "fighting" and "dogs". I'm sorry Mike. I like what you're doing with your second chance though.

Cut to Tony Dungy, shaking his head disapprovingly at me...

Moving on...

Washington at NY Giants
I owe an apology to the Giants for last week. I doubted them, and they proved me wrong. Which prompted this text from my friend, Rone:

"I saw you had a pretty good week with your picks...if only you didn't doubt your G-men it would have been a fantastic week haha."

As if it didn't hurt enough already. I'm a believer this week.

Denver at Kansas City
Head coach Josh McDaniels is cheating and Denver still can't win. How bad is this team? I'm taking the team that's playing Denver.

Jacksonville at Tennessee *Gus Johnson alert
Need I remind you what happened the last time Gus Johnson called a Jaguars game?

Gus nearly jizzed his pants. Gus' presence alone could turn Rusty Smith into a Pro-Bowl quarterback on Sunday. This was no question a Jaguars victory until Gus Johnson came into the mix.

I guess I'm gonnnnnnnnnaa goooooooo withhhhhhh theeeeeeee JJJJJJJAAAAAGUUUUUUUAAAAAAAARRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

San Francisco at Green Bay
This is me when I found out Frank Gore was out for the season:

He's on my fantasy team. There goes $20. I don't know if San Francisco is capable of getting to the 6-10 record they need, to win the NFC West without Gore.

Cleveland at Miami
I didn't have any "divine moments" this week that would encourage me to pick the Dolphins. But, they've kind of been one of my go-to picks all along this year. And I'm not gonna change that this week. They're only losses came to the Pats, Jets, Ravens, Steelers and Bears. I'm pretty sure this team is really good.

Buffalo at Minnesota *Upset Special
I could say a lot of things about Stevie Johnson and his message on Twitter the other day, but I'll let Bach Talk do it for you. My advice to him, in one sentence: Bills fans will "forget this," you should too.

On Minnesota's end. Interim coach Leslie Frazier helped Jenn Sterger's case this week:

Oh we believe it Leslie. We believe it all too well. It's no secret, Brett is comfortable being naked. I know that. You know that. Jenn Sterger especially knows that. It's a fact. He's also comfortable in his Wrangler jeans. After all, they're: "Real. Comfortable. Jeans." And I'm comfortable taking the Bills in this one. If Johnson doesn't drop that catch they're still the hottest team in the NFL right now.

Chicago at Detroit
Since Detroit already won this match-up in Week 1...
...as evidenced here:

I can't expect another upset victory for the Lions. I took the Bears as the underdog last week. I'll take them as the favorite this week.

New Orleans at Cincinnati
Drew Brees was named Sports Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year" the other day. I guess that means no athlete did anything impressive since February. Let's look at our usual candidates for this honor:
Derek Jeter - had a career-worst year and can't even get a contract extension from a team he brought four titles to.
Tiger Woods - spent the early part of the year in "sex addiction rehab," and won no tour events for the first time in his career.
Brett Favre - threw a trip to the Super Bowl across his body and away (literally), retired (again), came back, led the Vikings to a 3-7 start, and allegedly sent pictures of his junk to former Jets employee Jenn Sterger.
Lebron James - gave up on his team in the playoffs, made a spectacle out of his free agency, conducted a prime time event titled, "The Decision," so he could back-stab a city that stayed behind him his whole life on national television, while at the same time destroying the city's economy.

Huh. I guess it was kind of a down year for the usual candidates. Who knew this award would be decided in the first month of 2010?

Anyways, back to the game. Chad Ochocinco had this to say on Twitter this week:

It's bad when it's Week 12 and you just start to realize you need to straighten out your priorities. The Bengals of "Hard Knocks" have come and gone.

Oakland at San Diego
Your classic "trap" game. San Diego is coming off a 22-point slashing of the Colts on Sunday night. Analysts alike are already crowning them the "cream of the crop" in the AFC. This game has every ingredient for a San Diego let down. But if there's one thing I've learned over the past 3-4 years, it's that San Diego has no let downs during their end-of-the-season-perfect-streak runs. The first half of the season and the playoffs? That's another story. But "let-down" isn't in San Diego's vocabulary come November or December.

Carolina at Seattle
Every person still alive in their survivor league was probably down on their knees praying John Kasay would miss that game-winning field goal at the end of regulation on Sunday. Hey! Maybe that's why Stevie Johnson dropped the ball. God was so overwhelmed with all the prayers begging him to let John Kasay miss that field goal, he didn't get a chance to help Stevie out. Suddenly it all makes sense. You don't see John Kasay questioning God now, do ya Stevie?

Expect another disappointing ending for Carolina in Seattle.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay
All year I have refused to really give credit to either of these teams. And my picks are suffering because of it. Tampa Bay gave Atlanta a run for their money last time, but Atlanta is riding a streak of confidence right now. I'll take the better team on the road in this one.

St. Louis at Arizona
Boy was that one of the worst games of Monday Night Football I've ever seen. The Cardinals might be the worst team in the league. I will give them credit for one thing though. Damnit, their quarterback puts his heart and soul into each and every week. And it's no laughing matter.

Dallas at Indianapolis
What happened to the Colts? Yeah, they're decimated with injuries, but when did that ever matter? Since when is Reggie Wayne unreliable? He's dropping catches most anyone - with the possible exception of Stevie Johnson - in the league could catch. He's supposed to be Mr. Consistent. Something about the whole team and their demeanor is off. Start playing like Super Bowl contenders! I picked you pre-season to win it all. This is starting to get embarrassing.

These next two games mean something. I mean they're pretty much the most important game of the year for these four squads. The winners likely win their division and the losers are likely a Wild Card team. Which means, the winners would get a bye and the losers would likely play a healthy Colts or Chargers team on the road. Not exactly a spot I'd want my team in. I don't have to worry about it, but the Giants will find a way to torment me in another way.

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
I still think Pittsburgh is the better team. But, there's talk of Big Ben being injured this week, Baltimore is a great team at home, and James Harrison should pick up just enough personal fouls to put Baltimore in a position to win, and get him fined another $25,000 when it's all said and done.

NY Jets at New England
The Game of the Week. You know it'll be a close game. It always is in these divisional, arch-rival match-ups. So let's break everything down. I'll include stuff that you'll think probably doesn't matter, but trust me, it does.

I know Jets fans are going to say I never gave them a chance. But the truth is, you have to look at the facts. The Patriots constantly come through in big games. Their two random games this year were against the Colts and the Chargers. Those same games for the Jets were against the Broncos and the Texans. They're not battle-tested like the Pats are. And the Pats won all of those battles. They're a new team without Randy Moss. They're playing at home. And I think they want this one just a little more than the Jets. They don't take embarrassment very well. The Jets embarrassed them earlier this year. You think Tom Brady hasn't had this game circled on his calendar since 4:00pm that day? Sure it's next to UGG ad photo-shoots and hair plug treatments, but when he's on the field and away from Gisele, he comes to play. Yes Sanchez has been clutch, but I think this is a whole new level for him. The offense goes through him now, not the run game. Is he going to be able to make the big throws in a game of this magnitude when it matters? I'm not so sure. I know Tom will. But I don't know about Mark. The cocky and care free approach is all in good fun and it works against the lesser opponents. But it won't work against the Pats. They got practice off on Wednesday because they've been so focused all week. Bellichick never does that. The Patriots want this one more.

Last Week: 14-2 (season best)
Season: 104-72

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Week 12 Picks...

New England at Detroit
There hasn't been a close game on Thanksgiving since I was nine. In fact, there's been better games in my backyard. The last good Thanksgiving game I remember was a 19-16 Lions overtime victory over the Steelers. And the only reason the Lions won was because the referee said Jerome Bettis called "heads" on the coin toss, when all of America knew he called "tails." The Lions have lost six straight on Thanksgiving. They've been outscored 213-74 in that span. And they're 2-8 this decade. New England, on the other hand, is playing better than arguably anyone in the NFL. Their young defense is finally coming together and Tom Brady continues to make their young receivers look like Pro-Bowlers. Is this game the easiest game of all time to pick? It just might be. For this reason, I'm starting the Patriots defense and Wes Welker over Terrell Owens on my fantasy team.

New Orleans at Dallas
Dallas has won five of their last six on Turkey Day. They've won two in a row under their new head coach. Dez Bryant is a man-child. Earlier in the week, I was contemplating picking this as an upset. But this is the one chance I might get to see Dallas lose on Thanksgiving. That's so rare these days. I need this win New Orleans. I need it!

Cincinnati at NY Jets
10 months ago the Jets played Cincinnati twice in two weeks. The Jets outscored them 61-14 in those two games. Since then, the Jets have gotten better and the Bengals have gotten worse. Just ask TO:

It's fitting that the NFL Network would schedule this as the night game. After all, so far we've seen the Broncos beat the Giants 26-6, the Eagles beat the Cardinals 48-20, and the Colts beat the Falcons 31-13 in this annual match-up. Why wouldn't we get to see the Jets beat the Bengals 41-6? That's television at it's best.

Green Bay at Atlanta
This game will tell us a lot about the race for supremacy in the NFC. It's really hard to pick against Aaron Rodgers.

Pittsburgh at Buffalo
Watch out Steelers. The Bills are the hottest team in football right now (Sorry Dave). Be happy Gus Johnson isn't calling this one Pittsburgh.

Carolina at Cleveland
Great match-up for Survivor Pick leagues. I bet none of you have used Cleveland, and I bet all of you consistently pick whoever is playing the Panthers each week.
(Ps. Steve Smith (Carolina) was dropped in my fantasy league this week. And no one picked him up. He was a second to third round pick in most leagues. He's not even hurt. That's how bad Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen are. That bad).

Jacksonville at NY Giants
Derek Hagan, Duke Calhoun, Michael Clayton (yeah, the bust from the Buccaneers). These guys represent 3/4 of the Giants receiving core. Oh and Brandon Jacobs, our 265 lb. running back that tries to run outside and can't convert on 3rd and 1 is the new starter. It's great to be a Giants fan right now.

On a side note, Tom Coughlin and the Giants should be saying this about the Eagles this week:

Minnesota at Washington
I still think Tavaris Jackson should be starting this game. But now that the most hated man in the locker room (Childress) is gone, I think the Vikings rally for their new coach and win a game.

Tennessee at Houston
Since leaving the Patriots, teams with Randy Moss are 1-5 this year. Oh and the Patriots are 5-1. Bill Bellichick, the genius, strikes again.

Last week we learned that Vince Young throws interceptions and temper-tantrums. Jeff Fisher assuaged that problem, taking away his privilege to throw interceptions and attend team meetings. Young is now out for the season, and likely out forever in Tennessee.

If you want to learn how to blow games in the most heartbreaking way possible, call 1-800-I-Wanna-B-A-Texan.

But if Houston wants to be 8-8, and I know they do. They need to win this game, and they will.

Kansas City at Seattle
Your classic AFC/NFC West match-up. The ratings on this one must be through the roof.

Miami at Oakland *Gus Johnson alert
I really couldn't decide on this game. But last night, I met a girl that taught me the Dolphins' fight song and a weird fin thing they do. I'm gonna take that as a sign they're winning this game. Maybe they'll try running the ball over putting it all in the hands of their third string quarterback? Maybe?

St. Louis at Denver
Denver looked like a high school football team on Monday night.
Again, your classic AFC/NFC West match-up. The ratings on this one must be through the roof.

Philadelphia at Chicago Upset Special*
I think BachTalk just had a heart attack. The Giants exposed the blueprint for beating Mike Vick, but they were too stupid to fully execute it. The Bears are the one defense, athletically, that I find most similar to the Giants. I think they finish what the Giants started.

The head of PETA was elated the Giants had Mike Vick on the ropes last week. Then on 4th and 1, Lesean McCoy led Mike Vick to victory, keeping #7's MVP hopes alive. Here's how the head of PETA reacted on McCoy's 50 yard scamper:

Tampa Bay at Baltimore
Baltimore is flying under the radar right now. They're near the top of the power rankings each week, but no one is really talking about them. That's exactly where I'd want my team to be.

San Diego at Indianapolis *Upset Special
This is going against everything I believe in when it comes to making picks. The Chargers are on the road coming off a Monday night game. And Peyton Manning is playing on prime time television. But this is the time of year the Chargers go on a ridiculous perfect run to end the regular season. Yes, Norv Turner will lead them to lose to a lesser foe in the playoffs. But they will look damn good from here on out in the regular season.

San Francisco at Arizona
The biggest question in this one: How will John Gruden find something good to say about either of these teams? He finds a way to make every team seem like the toast of the NFL each Monday night. But there's literally nothing good to say about these teams right now.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Last Week: 12-4 (season best)
Season: 90-70

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Week 11 Picks...

Chicago at Miami (Thursday Night Football)
The "Return of Chad" lasted two plays. Him and Bob Sanders are the football equivalent to Greg Oden. Bless their soles. I know how you feel guys. My senior year of high school, I tore ligaments in my shooting hand a week before the opener. Some (myself) would argue my school missed out on a national championship, because of that injury. You always want to be there for your team week-in and week-out, but sometimes you just can't be.

Chicago is 5-2 when I pick against them. Bach Talk texted me this earlier today: "Just pick [the Dolphins]. If the Bears win, I get to taunt you. If the Dolphins win, you're happy and I beat you up." So just for that I'm picking the Bears. Odds are they won't win, and you can't beat me up if they don't. Totally foiled your plan dude.

Buffalo at Cincinnati
I picture this game ending like this:

It's not going to be pretty. It will be close. Down the stretch something absolutely ridiculous will happen. And in the end, Gus Johnson will make it exciting as hell.

Detroit at Dallas
This might be my "mortal lock of the century." I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure that without Gus Johnson announcing this, there's literally no way Dallas can lose. Kinda funny that the Lions two best players (prior to this season) in the last five years are lining up against them (John Kitna and Roy Williams). Sure the Lions were 0-16 with those guys at the helm, but it's the guys surrounding them (Dez Bryant, Miles Austin, DeMarcus Ware) the Lions should be worried about.

Washington at Tennessee
On Sunday, it appeared Donovan McNabb signed a 5 year, $70 million contract with $40 million guaranteed. That night Donovan lost 59-28 to his former team, at the hands of the third string quarterback he mentored the year before. All while the man Philadelphia kicked him out of town for, Kevin Kolb, watched from the bench. The next day we learned that McNabb's contract is only really worth $3.5 million guaranteed. I think it's safe to say McNabb is having one of the worst weeks ever.

Tennessee was bad last week, so they'll be good this week.

Arizona at Kansas City
"Eff You" game for Todd Haley. Sure the "eff you" is directed at Josh McDaniels and the Broncos for running up the score against them last week. But you think Todd Haley cares? The man is heated. It's a shame the Cardinals had to be the sacrificial lamb in all of this.

Green Bay at Minnesota
If Minnesota wins, I think Brett Favre retires. The closest thing he'll ever have to going out on top is beating Aaron Rodgers in a regular season match-up in Week 11. Haven't we learned over the last three years that Brett doesn't want to retire? I think he throws this game.

(Ps. For a guy that cares so much about helping his team win, he has an awful way of showing it. Don't you think if he really wanted his team to win, he wouldn't play on a broken ankle and a shoulder that needs surgery? Oh the records don't matter to you Brett? Then why won't you sit out, rest up and play healthy down the stretch? Why did you come back to make sure your interception record was out of reach? I hope Tom Brady loses this week. If he ties and then breaks Favre's record of 25 straight wins at home, the old gunslinger might die trying to re-break that record.)

Houston at NY Jets
I could say a lot of things about the Texans right now, but I'll let Tom Hanks some it up for all of us:

Oakland at Pittsburgh
Did I ever think Oakland at Pittsburgh would be the hardest pick for me this week? No way. A wise man told me Oakland's success is highly-dependent on its run game. Pittsburgh has the best rush defense in the league. I'll give the "Steel Curtain" the nod.

Baltimore at Carolina
You know your team is bad when most people pick whoever is playing you over whoever is playing the Bills in their survivor pools.

Cleveland at Jacksonville
Both hot hands right now. Cleveland lost last week. Jacksonville is still on a heater. And you never leave the table on a heater.

Tampa Bay at San Francisco
"Operation get to 6-10 and win the NFC West" moves one step closer to mission accomplished.

Seattle at New Orleans
Two weeks ago I dubbed the Saints/Carolina game the "Return of Reggie." I obviously didn't check the injury report. This week I know Reggie really wants to play, and I think he will. Pete Carroll has taken no blame for the USC recruiting scandal. Instead, he stepped aside and let all the blame fall on Bush. Something tells me Reggie will be high-stepping into the end zone this week. If he doesn't run out of bounds and clock Pete in the face first instead.

Atlanta at St. Louis *Upset Special
Simply for the fact that every team that suddenly has a case to be the new #1 (see ESPN's power rankings), instantly gets upset the next week.

Indianapolis at New England
Did we ever think this match-up, Brady (2176 yards, 17 TDs, 4 INTs) vs. Manning (2663 yards, 16 TDs, 4 INTs), would be a match-up between the NFL's second and third best quarterbacks? And that the quarterback ahead of them both...might be Michael Vick (1350 yards, 15 TDs (4 rush), 0 INTs, 115.1 passer rating, 341 rushing yards - in 5 1/2 games!)?

NY Giants at Philadelphia
Footage of the head of PETA was captured during last week's Monday night game, while Michael Vick put on a performance for the ages. CLICK HERE to see it.

Denver at San Diego
John Gruden's "Corny Saying of the Game":
"San Diego came "charged up" to win this game!"
John Gruden's "Player of the Game":
Everybody on the field. Cause John Kruden literally praises every player on the field during Monday night games. Expect him to say something like this: "Brandon Lloyd? Boy is this guy special. He's got speed like a gazelle out there Jaws. And the softest hands around. Boy would I like to have a guy like Brandon Lloyd on my team. Yeah, he's a real player."

Last Week: 8-6
Season: 78-66

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Week 10 Picks...

Baltimore at Atlanta (Thursday Night Football)
For the simple reason that the AFC is superior to the NFC. Atlanta is undefeated at home, but a few of their wins haven't been pretty. The Buccaneers were one yard away from victory against the Falcons last week, and the 2-6 Niners were a Roddy White stripped fumble away from upsetting them in Hot-lanta earlier this year. I think this is a good game, but defense prevails. It's a shame half of America won't be able to watch this one, as it airs on the NFL Network. It's a good match-up. Enjoy staring at the game cast online people.

Detroit at Buffalo
Buffalo is playing their heart out right now. They're really giving it their best. Sean Connery has a message for the Bills:

Take down the Lions, Buffalo! Go f*** the prom queen!

(Side note: Has there ever been another time when an 0-8 team has been favored to win by 3 points, when they weren't playing another 0-8 team?)

Minnesota at Chicago
Everyday it's a new Viking that hates Brad Childress. First Percy Harvin gets into a confrontation with him at practice. Now quite a few players are stepping up and saying they have a problem with Childress. Where's a leader like Jackie Moon when you need one?

I'm still taking the Vikings.

NY Jets at Cleveland
The Jets are due for a good game. The Browns are due for a bad one. Looks like Rex moves to 3-0 against brother, Rob.

Tennessee at Miami
All I can say is, Tennessee better have a damn good caterer. I think Chad Pennington shines in his return. The man's never a thrown a ball farther than six yards. You never lose that. It's like riding a bicycle or tying your shoes.

Cincinnati at Indianapolis
I honestly feel bad for the semi-decent teams that roll into Indy following one of the Colts' losses. It's just not fair. Especially when they're on a short week after a Monday night loss to the Steelers.

Houston at Jacksonville
Highest scoring game of the week for sure. It's gonna be 35-28, or 38-35 when it's all said and done. Last man standing (in other words: last team with the ball) wins. I think it's the Texans.

Ps. I think it's safe to say the Texans are still comparable to Dip n' Dots. Both advertise to be the king of the future (one in football, the other in ice-cream). But how long can a team say that before we start to stop believing that? Will the future ever become the present for either? I'm not so sure.
Pss. Gus Johnson is calling this game. There is no way this isn't a shootout. The possibilities are endless for how this game might end. I'm gonna say Joel Dressen returns an onside kick 37 yards for a touchdown to seal the deal. When Gus Johnson is at the mic, anything is possible:

Carolina at Tampa Bay
Tampa Bay gave Atlanta much more trouble than I anticipated. Carolina is contemplating benching Matt Moore for Jimmy Clausen. That would mean they benched Moore for Clausen, then benched Clausen for Moore, and then benched Moore for Clausen again. Two times in one season they're benching a guy for another guy that's already been benched by the guy they're benching now. That's when you know there's a problem.

Kansas City at Denver *Upset Special
Even in defeat, Kansas City looked good last week. I never thought the AFC West would be evenly matched from the top down while Rivers and Gates were still in their prime. Denver, at 2-6, seems to be the worst of the group. Since starting off 6-0 last year, they're 4-14. Josh McDaniels let go of Peyton Hillis - who can't be stopped - and added Laurence Maroney - who can't get going. They're doing all the wrong things. But, I still think this team has potential. I also have a hunch that in the "Mile High" city, they'll steal one from a Chiefs team that isn't ready to be at the top yet, and open the door for Oakland or San Diego to take the reigns.

Seattle at Arizona
I'm going to give the nod to the home team. I care so little about this game, I'm not even going to research it. We'll just say the home team's going to take this one.

Dallas at NY Giants
The injuries to the Giants' offensive line are starting to add up, and it's starting to scare me a little. But every time I watch this team and I think about where they could finish this season, I: CLICK HERE.

St. Louis at San Francisco
If they don't start winning now, the Niners will never get to 6-10 and win this division.

New England at Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh's really come a long way. Just a few weeks ago Big Ben was pissing everywhere in public and assaulting girls on a weekly basis. Now they're the closest thing to a clear-cut favorite for the Super Bowl. Funny how quickly things change. Speaking of things that changed quickly. How quickly did analysts realize they jumped the gun on deeming the Patriots the best team in the NFL?

Philadelphia at Washington
I once knew a guy with all the talent in the world. He played on one of the biggest stages in college football, the Sugar Bowl - and shined there. His draft stock instantly rose to the top of the leaderboard. Al Davis and the Raiders took a chance on him. Only he failed miserably, was eventually cut, and fell into some hard times with a drug problem.

Me: "You know who that guy was Danny?"
Danny: "No."
Me: "Take one good guess."
Danny: "Jamarcus Russell?"
Me: "(Laughter) Nooo, no that guy was Mitch Cumstein, my roommate. Good guy."

Okay, you're right. It was Jamarcus Russell. And things are so bad in Washington that they actually held a tryout for him last week. I think it's safe to say Washington has a problem. And I'm not talking about the government.

Last Week: 9-4
Season: 70-60

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Quite Possibly the Greatest Sports Video Ever...

Above we have footage of Eagles head coach Andy Reid at age 13 in a Punt, Pass and Kick contest. The footage was aired during the Colts-Eagle game earlier today. I couldn't contain myself with laughter when this came on. He is literally twice the size of the other competitors!! Literally twice the size!! An absolute mammoth of a child. How many passports and birth certificates did this guy need show to get approved for this contest? "You're 13-years-old? Really? Thirteen?" The man looks no younger than 46, and I think I'm being generous. Just look at the little kids standing behind him. Unbelievable!

Word on the street is, Andy needed to borrow a uniform from a player on the Rams, because the P-P-K officials didn't have any uniforms that could fit him. Something tells me the guy he borrowed it from was a 346 lb. defensive tackle.

Of all the video flashbacks I've ever seen in my near 20 year history of watching sports, this is by far, hands down, my most favorite one ever. I promise I will incorporate this video in as many blogs as I can going forward.

When I look at Andy Reid from now on, no longer will I see a poor time manager, with a high propensity to lose challenges, waste timeouts, and cost his team the game. No, no, no. When I look at Andy Reid, I will forever see the 13-year-old mammoth of a boy, who's parents obviously slipped HGH into his Cherrios.

Images taken from Google Images and barstoolsports.com

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Week 9 Picks...

Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Flash forward to Tampa Bay's press conference at 4:30pm eastern time on Sunday:
Raheem Morris: "We're the second best team in the NFC!"

Chicago at Buffalo* My Upset Special
As I was driving back from Connecticut last Sunday, I stumbled across the official radio station of the Buffalo Bills. Man was it depressing. I mean I really felt for Bills fans. The Giants were pretty damn bad during my childhood, but 0-7? Even "Big Blew" wasn't that bad in the mid-to-late 90s. As they took callers, I was expecting fans to talk about how much they sucked. But instead, they were all pleased with the effort the team was giving on the field. It's no secret, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Fred Jackson and Steve Johnson don't lead the Pro Bowl ballets. And could I name one player on their defense?
Takeo Spikes? I'm gonna say no.
So it's pretty respectable the way this team has played the last two weeks. I've been thinking all along, this is the week for them. The Bears aren't playing like they're 4-3. The Bills have the worst rush defense in the NFL, but the Bears don't run the ball! It's just not a Mike Martz thing to do. Who better to give the Bills the big turnovers they need than Jay Cutler? And what better place for the Bills to win, than at a home game in Toronto (just to make the win a little less sweet, and prevent Bills' fans from having a heart attack from the overwhelming joy)?

I think the Bills can do this. In fact, any doubt I had that the Bills might not have what it takes disappeared when BachTalk, a long time Bears fan, told me tonight that he thought the Bills were going to win. It's their destiny.

New England at Cleveland
Look at Cleveland standing up for themselves. Good for them:

I feel like this is a sign, telling me to take Cleveland over New England. Or maybe it's saying, don't take Miami over Baltimore. Or maybe, this video just has nothing to do with football. Yeah, I think I'll take it as that.

So who do I take?

I almost forgot. The Browns suck. Thanks for reminding me dude.

Miami at Baltimore
Miami's only losses have come to the three best teams in the NFL in my opinion (Steelers, Jets, Patriots). A loss to the Ravens will round out the top four. Tough schedule. This is a great team.

NY Jets at Detroit* My Upset Special #2
I keep going back and forth on this one. Earlier this week, I really thought the Lions could pull it off. They're the hardest sub-.500 team to pick against in my opinion. Calvin Johnson is a mismatch for Revis. But, I don't see why Ryan wouldn't put Cromartie on Johnson instead. Cromartie's size and athleticism would limit Johnson's production substantially. There's no way Best is running the ball on the Jets' front seven. It's hard to imagine how the Jets would lose. The Lions' defense is really underrated. They could potentially shut down the Jets offense. Should I just go with a 0-0 tie? I guess I'll stick with my gut, as all pick-makers should. I'll say Calvin's skills are better than Cromartie's skills, and I'll give the nod to the home team.

New Orleans at Carolina
Carolina made this a game in their first meeting. New Orleans seems to have the wheels back on track though. We'll call this one the "Return of Reggie." I'm feeling a 7-yard TD reception out of him in this one. Mark it down fantasy owners in search of a running back to fill your starter's bye week. Mark it down.

San Diego at Houston
Because they're even finding ways to win with the worst special teams, maybe, ever.

Arizona at Minnesota
Never bet against a team with a coach that already knows he's fired, a quarterback that's halfway retired/involved in a sexual harassment scandal, a #1 wide-out that's hobbling on an injured ankle, a defense averaging less than one sack a game, a caterer that makes food Randy Moss wouldn't feed to his dog, and an organization that thinks they're so good they'll give away their 2011 3rd round draft pick just to prove it. You just can't bet against a team like that. It's science.

NY Giants at Seattle
The Giants' front four is so good, they knocked Matt Hasselbeck out of the game three days before kickoff. The Giants are coming off their bye week (6-15 all-time), they're playing at Qwest Field, and they're playing against Seattle's backup quarterback. Trust me. As a Giants fan, this has all the makings of being a loss for Big Blue. They always lose after their bye, I don't think they've ever won at Qwest Field, and I don't think I've ever seen them beat a backup quarterback. This is like the "Perfect Storm" of ways the Giants generally torment their fans. I'm gonna try and maintain faith though.
(Ps. There's actually a tribute to Charlie Whitehurst on YouTube. I never would have guessed that.)

Indianapolis at Philadelphia
Let's consult the game-picking rule book:
Article 1, Section 4:
"You never pick a road team on short rest after Monday Night Football."
However, it seems there is a clause:
Amendment #18:
"Article 1, Section 4 always remains true. Unless you're picking against Peyton Manning."

Kansas City at Oakland
According to video footage, Al Davis is alive and well. And so are the Raiders.
(Side Note: There's no telling when the footage was actually taken, so we can't be sure Al hasn't been dead for six months.)

Dallas at Green Bay
Roy Williams expects the Cowboys to run the table, win nine straight, and win the Super Bowl. I expect Blake Lively to ring my doorbell in the next 30 seconds, saying her car broke down and she needs a place to stay for the night.
(Still waiting...)
Didn't happen. And neither will your prediction Roy.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
TO had this to say about the Bengals performance last week:

"Well, I don't really want to start anything, but I did play in the Super Bowl and there were rumors where [Donovan McNabb] couldn't get our two-minute offense going at the end of the game. I'm just saying."

Oh that's right, TO cares about everything except the Bengals. Funny thing about the rumors TO is mentioning? He was the one that started them in the first place a few years ago.

I think what I'm trying to say is. How am I going to pick against the #1 team in my power rankings, when they're playing a team that's best players are more concerned with Twitter, TV careers and grudges that should have ended years ago?

Oh that's right I'm not. I'm taking the Steelers.

Last Week: 7-6
Season: 61-56

Monday, November 1, 2010

Vikings Waive Randy Moss...

ESPN - Randy Moss was waived by the Vikings on Monday just weeks after Minnesota traded a third-round draft pick to the New England Patriots for the receiver.

Vikings players said Monday that coach Brad Childress told them that Moss "is no longer with us."

Linebacker Ben Leber told the Star Tribune that Childress didn't give the team a reason for Moss' ouster from Minnesota.

"No reason, really, [he] just wanted to give everybody a heads-up and say this is what's going on, and that's it," Leber told the newspaper. "He didn't really dive into any details, and just said that's what were going to go with."

Moss will be on waivers for the next 24 hours. The Patriots, who own the NFL's best record, would only have a chance to claim Moss if the NFL's other 31 teams pass. If Moss isn't claimed he will be free to sign with any team.

Moss' exit from Minnesota was first reported by the NFL Network.

He also criticized the Vikings for not heeding his advice on certain plays the Patriots were likely to use against the Vikings.

On Monday, Childress disagreed with Moss' asertion that the Vikings ignored the receiver's advice.

"I think we did a pretty good job of heeding it, both offensively and defensively," Childress said, according to the Star Tribune. "He gave us some windows into how we thought they would end up playing. That's obviously in his eyes."

Moss had not spoken to reporters since Oct. 13, taking a $25,000 fine from the NFL for failing to cooperate with the media. The money didn't sway him to open up last week in the days leading up to his return to New England, which traded him to the Vikings on Oct. 6.

In four games with the Vikings, Moss had 13 receptions for 174 yards and two touchdowns. The Vikings were 1-3 in those games, including Sunday's 28-18 loss at New England.


So you're telling me Randy Moss may be a New England Patriot again in the next 24 hours? If that's the case Bill Bellichick is an evil genius. It's hard to fathom this is really possible. The Patriots might have Randy Moss (for less money), starting alongside Deion Branch and Wes Welker now. And they get to keep the third-round draft pick they got for Moss? How does that make sense?

As great as that would be for Patriot fans, it looks a little far-fetched. They might be regretting their undefeated record without Moss right now. Since his departure, the Patriots took over the NFL's best record, which means every team in the NFL would have to pass up on Moss' contract for him to fall to the Pats. I'm not sure what kind of money other teams are working with, but I would have to imagine the Chargers or Redskins would want to take a shot at Moss if they could. I could also see the teams that love locker room bad boys and cancers take a shot at Moss as well, i.e. the Cowboys, Bengals or Jets (could you imagine that?).

Let's take a look at the teams that get a first shot at Mr. Moss:

1. Buffalo Bills (0-7)
Could Moss be TO 2.0 for the Bills?

2. Dallas Cowboys (1-6)
Why wouldn't the Cowboys get another WR for me to fear?

3. Carolina Panthers (1-6)
How much would Moss love going from Hall-of-Fame QB Tom Brady, to Hall-of-Fame QB Brett Favre, to Jimmy Clausen and Matt Moore?

4. Denver Broncos (2-6)
You could have told me the Broncos were 5-3 right now and I would have believed you. When did they lose six games?

5. San Francisco (2-6)
Could this propel the 49ers to 9-7 status and crown them NFC West champs?

6. Cincinnati Bengals (2-5)
VH1 is chomping at the bit right now. They're so excited they can't even take it.

Other notables:
10. San Diego Chargers (3-5)
They wanted him anyway. This time they don't have to give up any draft picks.

17. Chicago Bears (4-3)
I don't know, this whole we can win it with a 5'11" #1 wide receiver thing hasn't panned out over the last couple years. Maybe Moss can be what Mushin Muhammed never was for them.

19. Seattle Seahawks (4-3)
25. Kansas City Chiefs (5-2)
Straight from the mouth of Bach Talk: "Maybe a contender trying to get over the hump like Seattle or KC."

28. New York Jets (5-2)
I get nightmares just thinking about it. You know Rex Ryan is thinking about it. How many more stars can align for the Jets if this happens?

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2)
Freeman can throw the ball a long way. Plus, I don't know how, but the Bucs have the third best record in football. Is this team good?

32. New England Patriots (6-1)
For obvious reasons.

My favorite quote of the afternoon:

"The Vikings basically traded a third round pick for three losses." - Joe Gervino

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2010-2011 Minnesota Vikings!