Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Week 16 Picks...

Carolina at Pittsburgh (Thursday Night Football)
So apparently, in the last two years, Pittsburgh is 14-4 with Troy Polamalu and 4-8 without him. Aside from the fact this means the Jets win last week really wasn't that impressive, it also means Carolina could be a real contender this week with Polamalu out again. Oh wait, no it doesn't.

Dallas at Arizona (Christmas Special)
All anyone could ever ask for on Christmas is a Dallas-Arizona game, right? Santa, for Christmas, I really really want Larry Fitzgerald to get the ball rolling in my fantasy championship this week with 35 points. Studies show Larry Fitzgerald 35-point fantasy performances are a great stocking-stuffer. Just saying. There's extra cookies in it for you. Oh, and my opponent is Jewish (if that counts for anything in your book).

Washington at Jacksonville
Rex Grossman's last name best describes his quarterbacking skills: Gross, man! Boy am I lame sometimes. No wait, according to my Facebook account, under interests (last updated the summer going into freshman year of college), I'm interested in "partying". So I guess that makes me cool right? I laughed out loud at myself when I read that the other day. Everyone that friended me on Facebook that summer must of thought I was going to be "THE MAN!" coming into college. Even though I had like six parties under my belt at the time.

Detroit at Miami
My buddy parlayed 10 of my picks last week. $5 could've landed him $1532 (Yes folks, that's how powerful my picks are). Anyways, I really wanted to go 10-0 in those games so the only sucker in that sucker bet would be the institution running the gambling site. One of those picks was Miami over Buffalo. Another thing to note: My fantasy kicker is Dan Carpenter (the leading fantasy kicker this year). And I was looking for him to help lead my team to the fantasy championship. Well, not only did Miami lose 17-14 (killing my buddy's parlay), but Dan Carpenter was 0-4 on field goals! 0-4! We all could've been winners Dan! This is how I reacted when I saw Dan (a Dolphin) missed four field goals:

I was really mad at a whale for some reason too. And I turned Asian for a few seconds.

San Francisco at St. Louis *Upset Special
After an 0-6 start (keep in mind I predicted the Niners to finish 11-5 this year), the Niners might still actually win the division for me. They just have to win two division games against two of the worst teams in football. It's going to be a lot harder for them than it sounds folks.

Tennessee at Kansas City *Upset Special
It wouldn't be a football season if the team ahead of San Diego in the AFC West didn't choke in one of the last two weeks.

NY Jets at Chicago
A few weeks ago, Rex Ryan was quoted saying in a press conference that him and Tom Brady weren't all that different. "Tom's wife is a supermodel. And my wife is a supermodel as well (showing a picture of her in a magazine)". Had Rex had that same press conference this week, he might have said something along the lines of this instead: "Tom and I aren't all that different, ya know? His wife is a famous supermodel. And my wife is a famous foot-fetish YouTube sensation (showing one of her YouTube videos)."

New England at Buffalo
I don't even have to think about these New England picks anymore.

Baltimore at Cleveland
Was it just a few weeks ago we thought Cleveland was good? Now they're making me look bad with back-to-back losses to the Bills and the Bengals. Watch Peyton Hillis bounce back with another three TD performance like he had the last time I played my championship opponent.

Ps. How does giving up Ray Rice, Danny Amendola and Vincent Jackson for Frank Gore and Brent Celek a few weeks ago look on your end? Cause it's looking pretty bad over here? (I'm going for my third championship in six years. Trust me, I had a good plan when I made that trade).

Houston at Denver
Someone inform the Texans that they don't need to give opponents a 21-point head start every week. Broncos are surrendering 186.0 ypg on the ground in their last five games. Let's hope the Texans let Foster run loose.

The big question though. Was Tim Tebow's impressive play last week a sign of what's to come or just the "Law of Gus" making the game more interesting than it was expected to be on paper?

San Diego at Cincinnati *Gus Johnson alert
I'm pretty sure Cincinnati was "Akon-in-this-video" happy after their first win in 10 games last week:

Indianapolis at Oakland
Jacksonville slipped. You can't afford to slip with teams like Indy on your coat tails.

NY Giants at Green Bay
THIS was half of America after the Giants game last week.

I fear it's impossible for that loss not to linger in their psyche. I honestly believe we have the most talent in the NFC. We should be in the Super Bowl. But we're so f'n stupid sometimes that we might not even make the playoffs. This game will decide our fate. I've got faith in the G-men though. Word on the street is, they hired Danny Glover as a consultant for the team this week. I heard they're "going back to fundamentals":

Fundamentals? In the middle of the season? Hopefully it helps them avoid blowing 21-point leads in six minutes.

Seattle at Tampa Bay
I was leaning Seahawks because the Bucs have too many injuries on both sides of the ball. But Seattle is really fading fast, losers of six of their last eight. I'm gonna make a late audible and hope it doesn't backfire on me.

Minnesota at Philadelphia
Brett Favre is becoming the killer you can't kill in those murder movies. You hit him over the head with a lamp (hit him with a "sexting" scandal), he goes down. You take a few moments to hug your friends and rejoice that the worst is over. Then you turn around and his body is gone. Oh my gosh, he's not dead? Where is he? Then Dewie gives you a gun and you shoot him three times in the chest (severely injure his shoulder on a big hit), and he goes down. Rejoice! He's finally dead! Turn around. S**t! He's gone again. Damnit! I was sure we got him that time. What do you mean he was wearing a bullet proof vest? Just shoot him in the head! Shoot him in the head! It's the only way to get rid of him! (Maybe that headshot to the frozen tundra Monday night was the last we'll see of Brett.)

New Orleans at Atlanta
New Orleans is very serious about going to Atlanta to take back the division. So serious, they hired this guy to lead the "take back the NFC South" charge. We're not just gonna go to Atlanta!

Byahhhhhhhh!! I know better than to pick against Atlanta at home though.

Last Week: 10-6
Season: 137-87

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