Wednesday, January 19, 2011

AFC/NFC Championship Picks...

The stakes have changed this week. Since there are only two games, each correct pick counts as two points as opposed to one. It No one is out of the game just yet. Except for maybe JT. I think she can still qualify for the double stack though. If that's the case, one could argue she's positioned herself right where she wants to be in this competition.

This week, we're going to take you through the mind's of the world's greatest game-pickers, as they explain why the Bears, Packers, Jets or Steelers will be playing come Super Bowl Sunday. This should be interesting.


Being the first place contender, I thought I would be pumped, but I'm really just pissed since it's only for pride. I lied about liking the Lion King. I wish Rafeiki just dropped Simba at the beginning and ended it.

Jets 27 - Steelers 21

Reason: 95% bias, 5% Revis Island

Packers 31 - Bears 28

Reason: I literally just flipped a coin to choose this game. Don't tell anyone my secrets. Pride rock sucks is awesome (Editor’s correction).

The CEO:

Packers 16 - Bears 20

Why am I taking the Bears? Is it because I was such a huge fan of Laguna Beach in high school? Is it because my best friend is a life-long Bears fan? Is it because I truly believe they’re going to win this game?

The answer: Yes, yes and yes. Did I really love Laguna Beach? You’re damn right I did. Kristin, LC, Lo, Talan, "Steeee!vennn", and Trey were basically my Thursday night crew in high school. I watched that show every week. Is it because I loved the drama? Yes. Is it because there was something endearing about Lo? Weirdly, yes. Is it mostly because I loved Kristin and her propensity to tan pool-side in mini bikinis? Yes, yes and a thousand times yes. And ya know what? I bet Jay Cutler dug that too. He may not show emotion, drive, or a care in the world, but there’s no doubt in my mind, the man enjoyed Laguna Beach.

Cavallari has become to Cutler, what Kate Hudson was to A-Rod. Since her arrival, Cutler has been tearing it up. His interceptions have dropped, his TDs have risen, and he’s playing like the guy Mel Kiper gushed about coming out of Vanderbilt. Attractive girlfriends win guys sporting events. How do you think I won five intramural championships? A smokin’ hot, awesome girlfriend – that’s how.

Another reason I’m taking the Bears? My best friend, a life-long Bears fan, just spent $800 to fly to Chicago and freeze his ass off for four hours to see his Bears win the NFC Championship. He wouldn’t do that unless he believed Chicago could win this game. Nobody knows the Bears like this guy. He can name their offensive line. I didn’t even know the Bears had an offensive line. Cutler’s usually being ransacked before he finishes his five-step-drop. If Toph believes this team can win, then he’s made a believer out of me.

Further reasoning:

  • The Packers offense became unstoppable when they found their run game with Jason Starks.
  • The Bears will shut Starks down with one of the best rush defenses in the NFL.
  • Rodgers has never scored more than 21 points on the Bears.
  • In Week 17, in a must-win game for the Packers that lacked meaning for the Bears (at Green Bay), the Packers only beat them 10-3.
  • Chicago already beat Green Bay at home on national television.
  • The wind will be swirling.
  • Hester will keep the Bears in control of field possession.

I think Chicago grinds out an old school victory. According to history, the last time these two teams met in the playoffs? Dec. 14, 1951. The Bears won that game. They say history has a tendency to repeat itself.

Jets 16 - Steelers 24

Because they're not the Jets.

Also: Best rush defense versus a team that needs to run the ball effectively to stay in the game. Troy Polamalu is back. Heath Miller is back. Pittsburgh has been here before (two Super Bowl titles in the last five years). The Steelers have more offensive weapons. I respect what the Jets have done (with the exception of being huge d-bags). But I respect this Steelers team too much to pick against them. It’s just not a great match-up for the Jets. (You're welcome Rincon.)


Jets 13 - Steelers 24

Alright so this week I'm gonna keep it simple for ya. I talked to God last night on the phone, we catch up every once and while, and he told me to pick the Steelers, because they're gonna win 24-13. I also like the Steelers because of their player, Palmolive, because it sounds like the dish soap that smells really good. Obviously, I"m not going against God too.. so there's pick #1.

Packers 24 - Bears 21

As for pick #2, I've decided to go with the Packers winning 24-21 for various reasons. One, I really enjoy myself a slice of cheese. Two, I like the color yellow as shown by my Steelers & Packers picks. It's a very spring-y color. Lastly, Packers rhymes with stackers and naturally I'd love to win that double stack. Now, I hope Christoph is still reading this because I have something important to say. In a recent study scientists have found there is a correlation between who I pick, and the team that loses. It's basically a fact now, whoever I pick is going to lose. So do not fret young Christoph and do not fret America, the Bears will win because I picked the Packers. Really, I'm doing you all a favor. If you were smart this year you would've picked against me every week (as most of you did). If by some miracle the Packers win & I actually get one right then HAHAHAHA to you all. Just kidding, just kidding.. but seriously, the teams I picked this week are going to lose.

Charlie the Cat:

He's a cat. He has nothing to say here. Nor any score predictions.


Packers 27 - Bears 17

Bears may have kept the Packers offense to only 10 points in their last game against each other, but the way the Packers handled the Falcons was impressive. Also, Ive been picking the Pack all playoffs and they represent 2 of my 3 wins...why change whats been working for you? Jets suck.

Jets 10 - Steelers 17

Jets got lucky earlier in the season with a game-opening TD kick return by Brad Smith. I don't know if he will play or not, but if he doesnt that is a huge blow to their offense. Moreover, Troy Polamalu did not play that game and we all know the difference he can make when on the field.

Lastly, I expect this to be a low scoring dog fight. The Steelers are going to get pressure on Sanchez, something the Pats were not able to do, AND THEY CAN STOP THE RUN. I envision the Jets offense really struggling this week. Jets suck.


I didn't pick my picks... my picks picked me.

Jets 10 – Steelers 17

So I sat back and thought about the big picture... who would rather end up with me? The fight for me between Ben and Sanchez is simple, Mexican just ain't my style. I'm on the younger side, vulnerable at times, and low profile - perfect profile for Ben's prime pickin's.

Packers 21 – Bears 17

Cutler and Rodgers were just relentless though. Back and forth, back and forth. Cutler is so snuggly and sensitive. But Rodgers just kept throwin' cheese at me and well ... he knows how to get to a woman's heart. Those little yellow triangles of heaven just melted my heart and I knew, Rodgers was the way to go.

P.s. Bob, can I borrow your boom box?

(The Editor would like to add that Roethlisberger assaults young girls, Rodgers is a d-bag, and no you can't borrow my boom box because Erin is borrowing it.)

Homeless Bill:

I'm taking the Steelers, because being homeless, I have to "steal" the occasional food or blanket.

And I'm taking the Packers, because I went to high school with Aaron Rodgers. We kind of took different paths in life after that.


Packers 21 - Bears 24

Jets 20 - Steelers 27

The other day, I noticed one of Bob's "Can't Spell Liquor Without QU" bro's clamoring via a Facebook status fight for more in depth analysis/justification as to why he makes his football predictions. As a silent revolt to said unnamed friend, I have decided to take it upon myself to not write anything that even slightly resembles an intelligent, factual justification of my picks.

Anyone that knows anything about anything and anyone that knows two things about me: I LOVE the Bears and I HATE the Jets. I don't know what it is. Oh wait, yes I do. It's the fact that I grew up in New Jersey as a misplaced Bears fan, misguided 20 years ago by my father's ignorance. Growing up as a Bears fan in the NY area was hard enough. Watching kids my own age sport jerseys of easily one of the most boring players to ever play the game, double elbow pad wearing Curtis Martin, to now supporting the only Mexican in the NFL hurts me. There is only one Mexican athlete I will ever support and that is Eduardo Najera, based on the fact that he was my unbreakable computer password from 1999-2007. Couple these issues with the fact that emotional leader Fireman Ed is nationally ranked the 22nd biggest douche in the U.S. (sandwiched between Spencer Pratt and that pale dude from Twilight) and is solely responsible for the worst chant in sports, and you have to ask, what do you like about the Jets?

I hate Rex Ryan and his stomach stapling...and the fact that he's still retardedly fat. I could go on with things I hate about them for weeks, but let's just be clear on one thing, this is my lock of the playoffs. You DO NOT go into the big Ketchup bottle and beat the Steelers twice in under a month. Ben Roethlisberger sexually assualts multiple chicks in shorter periods of time. Sorry Jets fans. It's been a good run, but Troy Polamalu's back from his Head and Shoulders commercial shoot and he's ready to roll. Hope Sanchez is wearing head protection, perhaps an Under Armour skull cap, because the dude is about to get mindf***ed.

On the NFC side, this is a personal no brainer. I spent roughly half of my life savings, $1.26 million, to go to the Bears game this Sunday. So obviously you know who I'm going to pick. This will be my first trip to Soldier Field and will probably be my last if the Bears lose. Because I will literally contemplate letting a live bear rip my heart out as Wisconsin hicks happily cheer and simultaneously grow their hair to their buttocks to emulate their greasy state heroes. Either way, here's to Kid Cutty not making stupid decisions and Devin Hester returning kicks for touchdowns. When the Bears multimedia director plays "Soulja Boy" before punt returns, Hester houses it at least 57% of the time. As long as that statistic rings true, Aaron Rodgers can choke on a big D while the Bears head to Big D.

Super Bowl (Random Roman Numeral that I don't feel like Googling): The Chicago Bears vs The Pittsburgh Steelers


Packers 24 - Bears 17

I am convinced that Aaron Rodgers can do anything he wants on the football field. Scratch that, I think Rodgers can do anything he wants period. He is an absolute unstoppable force. A religion needs to be formed in his honor, and maybe I’m the one to do it. I think we learned last week (myself the hard way) that playing a division rival in the playoffs is always tough, and this will be no different. Green Bay is just better on both sides of the ball and nobody is playing as well as they are right now (Side note: I have picked GB to score 24 points in their first two playoff games and I’m scared to change things now because it’s definitely my predictions that have been fueling their victories).

Jets 17 - Steelers 20

To be 100% honest, I’m probably not going to watch this game at all. Most likely I’ll use that time to get drunk and then be all emotional about how the Pats aren’t playing in it. Or maybe watch a Kate Beckinsale flick if there’s one on. She’s a babe. Anyways, someone’s gotta get torched by Rodgers in the Super Bowl, right? These teams are pretty evenly matched, but Pittsburgh has the home field and Roethlisberger is deadly out of the pocket, so pressure won’t be as big an impact for the Jets.


Packers 17 - Bears 30

Jets 10 - Steelers 24

If the Super Bowl is any other matchup than this, then we let the terrorists win. Plain and simple, we have failed as a country if the Jets and Packers play each other in the Super Bowl. The world already hates American football, and I might as well if that is the matchup. Derka Derka, Muhammad Jihad.

Images taken from Google Images

The Easiest Way To Make A Million Dollars?

So apparently, the best way to make a million dollars these days, is to just ask for it. As I continue to collect quarters I find in lockers at the gym and twenty dollar bills I find in old Christmas and birthday cards laying around my room, this kid's just asking for a million bucks on YouTube.

Oh, and...he's getting it.

What sucks the most is (and my friend Joe can attest to this), I was contemplating doing something like this a few weeks ago. I've been trying to save up for a hopeful trip to Vegas for the last month or so. In fact, I accumulated $756 in a matter of days, without really doing much of anything. Yet here this kid is making my efforts look like a joke.

I caught wind of this MillionDollarHomePage the other day, and thought, wouldn't it be something if I could pull this stunt off? I heard another story about a guy that started with a paper clip, which he traded for another item and another and another, until he eventually traded something for a million dollars. If those guys could do it, why can't I?

Well now this kid's gone and ruined everything for me. No one's gonna give me a million dollars if I ask for it on the internet now. They're gonna say, "That's been done before buddy. We've heard that act before." And it's all this guy's fault.

I hate you Craig Rowan. But damnit, I respect you.

Looks like I'm gonna have to go back to the drawing board.

With that being said, if anyone wants to send me money, I'll except donations in cash or check. You don't have to be a millionaire. Seriously, I'll take six bucks. My job doesn't start until September.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Soooo...this guy's pretty good at whiffleball.

Back when I was 11, I learned how to throw a "riser" with a whiffleball. At that time, I was fairly confident I was the "Randy Johnson" of whiffleball. People my age didn't even know what fast-pitch whiffleball was at that point. But if they did, I'm pretty sure I would have been disqualified from playing at recess. It just wouldn't have been fair.

This guy makes me look like the Boone Logan of whiffleball. I'm embarrassed to ever believe I was a half-decent whiffleball pitcher.

My whiffleball pitching skills owe this guy's whiffleball pitching skills 20 bucks.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Was I Crazy Enough to Let the Competitors Sound-off on This Competition? You Betcha...

Highlights of Wild Card Weekend:

Game-Changer and Rone are out to an early lead.

Homeless Bill is right where he wants to be, tied for 3rd - the double-stack within reach. He can almost taste it – which is probably pretty torturous for a man in his position.

Operation: Make Charlie the Cat as big as Paul the Octopus is off to a terrible start.

Toph might want to rethink picking the Bears after his 1-3 performance last week.

I’m just happy I’m not losing to the cat yet.

I caught up with our competitors to see how they felt about their performances last week. Here's what they had to say:

Game-Changer: Take us through the day of a game-changer on “pick” day. What is it about you that has allowed you to get out to an early lead?

Well, you know, that’s a great question Bob and I appreciate you asking. The thing is, I never really know when pick day is, so it’s hard to tell you exactly what motions I go through to prepare for them. Really, I just go through my normal day, repeating certain daily procedures so that I’m ready when the picks come to me. I wake up, carry refrigerators out of trucks on my back, do pull-ups on my dad’s arm, and have my hamstrings massaged with fabrated milk every night before I go to bed. And not much else in between. Just normal things that all gifted pick-makers(?) do, day in and day out. And then I play the waiting game. The other day I was watching Executive Decision on TV, and my brother made the comment (as Kurt Russell and company were silently boarding the plane), “Wow, those guys are true patriots.” Suddenly it became clear to me. They defeated the terrorists, disarmed the bomb, and took the jet down. Boom. Pats over Jets. Simple.Then, the other night, I was having one of my recurring dreams where I’m Duke Nukem and me and Matt Hasselbeck are tearing through the levels of the game just obliterating aliens or whatever the hell those ugly things are. This isn’t unusual since naturally I’m invincible and can’t die, but I take pride in trying to protect Hasselbeck ‘til the end (he’s not a great shot, unsurprisingly). We were almost there, but then, out of nowhere, a bear came and ripped his head off. I know, it’s silly, bears aren’t even in the game.

The point is, the answer is always right there, you just have to be willing to listen.

Hah, I’m just kidding. Really, I’m just smarter than everyone else.

A-Rod: What significant lifestyle changes have you made in the last week that are going to help you bounce back after last week’s less-than-impressive showing in your picks?

Well, considering my lengthy baseball background and the influence it has on my life, "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"(Yogi Berra Reference #1). So in real life what i actually did was changed cereal, cerealously! I had been sporting the Frost Flakes like a true champ because "They'rrrrer Great" and all, but my mom made a managerial decision at the store and brought home Fruit Loops (Life Change #1).

The next problem I addressed was "We made too many wrong mistakes." (Yogi Berra #2) What I mean is, I now make sure to I stick to the fundamentals.."Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical." (Yogi Berra #3) I wake up at approximately 10:30am and while enjoying my Fruit Loops I get my spiritualism on by indulging myself in Bob Marley and clips of Kenny Powers (Life change #2). Lastly, I get my swell on in my bedroom, not the gym because i have a universal machine, while listening to Requiem For a Dream, Celtics opening theme from their Championship Year.

At the end of the day, "The game's isn't over until it's over." (Yogi Berra #4)

Charlie: How do you respond to the naysayers that say you can't live up to Paul the Octopus' legacy?

(He's staring at me). (Yawn). (Some more staring). (A blink). (And he turned to look out the window). I guess he's un-phased.

Toph: You expressed significant interest in the double stack last week. Did you purposely take a fall in week 1, to set yourself up nicely for a third place finish? Do you feel selfish gunning for a prize a guy like homeless Bill might need a little more?

I'm not Herm Edwards. I don't play to win the game. I know exactly what I want and how I'm going to get it. A 1-3 start was but a stepping stone to lull the competition to sleep while I wisely position myself for a 3rd place Double Stack victory. As for Homeless Bill, no I don't feel bad. Upon reading your question, I went to and investigated the caloric intake of that puppy. The evidence: 360 calories and 18 grams of fat.

Now, I'm operating under the impression that Homeless Bill is either an alcoholic or a crackhead (for obvious reasons). Alcohol and fast food, despite being the diet of 90% of American college students, is a delicious yet lethal combination. High performance athletes, like myself, can fuel their body with junk like Dub Stacks because we expend roughly 7 million calories a day. Adding fast food to a diet already dominated by stolen wine coolers and crack could be catastrophic to Bill's health. I would recommend he panhandle on the corner, perhaps even find a few ho's to pimp, to allow himself the opportunity to eat a healthier and more expensive option, such as the Side Caesar Salad.

The picks: Kid [Cutty] Nation, Brady Bunch, Rapelisberger, and Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood.

Rone: How do you mentally not let an early lead like this get to your head? Seeing as you’re at the top looking down, are you worried you won’t be as focused this week with your picks?

1. First off, I want to let it be known that I'm finding it difficult to be humorous and witty when called to fill these answers with as much humor and wit as possible. And secondly, knowing that every other member was probably told the same thing, now my humor and wit will be matched up against other people's humor and wit, which is just stressful. With that said, Eminem clarifies my outlook:

I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearin down your balcony

And what I'm setting out to be is the winner of Pride Rock (mainly cause Lion King is my favorite movie) Of course, those of you who look down at me are fools because I'm actually on top so the jokes on you.

So basically Bob, I'm Not Afraid of letting this get to my head.

2. Focus has never been a problem for me, except for when I'm studying, lifting, driving, or talking to girls. But none of those apply here, so I'm as focused as Rafiki was when he fought off 12 Hyenas in 7 seconds (do note that I had to google both "rafiki" and "hyenas" to get the spelling right and that my first attempts were "rafeikee" and "heinas")

So Bob, still Not Afraid.

Samson: Do you think you put yourself at a disadvantage, buying your boyfriend a subscription to sports illustrated as part of his Christmas gift? Does the wealth of football knowledge the catalog provides him give you no hope to defeat him in this competition? With that being said, can you explain why his subscription hasn't arrived yet this week?

Ow! Damn papercuts.

Oh wait what? Sorry. No, I don't know where your new issue is.

There better not be blood on that magazine!

JT: How does it feel to have been out-picked by a cat last week?

Sadly, this isn't the first time I've been beaten by a cat. Back in the summer of '86 I was in another contest. It was a meowing contest, because we all know that I can do a mean meow. I was favored to go all the way of course, and I stood on that podium ready to take my trophy when all of a sudden a golden voice came out of nowhere. This apparently homeless cat meowed, and it sounded like a mix of Fergie and Jesus. The judges immediately took away my prize and never again did I see that trophy that I wanted so bad. That cat went on to be famous and was hired by the Bobcats, naturally, to be their announcer. Soon enough the cat was sent to rehab because he was addicted to catnip & his career was over. Did I maybe send 37 packages of catnip to his house? Don't worry about it. So how does it feel to have been out-picked by a cat? Let's just say it brings back some bad memories. A famous proverb states "the cat is honest when the meat is out of her reach" and I believe Charlie can be an honest man now and let me out-pick him this week, because I predict that meaty double stack is out of his reach and allllll mine! I'd like a side of bread though please when I take third.

Homeless Bill: Where do you see yourself in four weeks?

Still homeless. But, with a double stack.

The CEO: (Asked by Toph): As I sit and watch ESPN noob Eric Mangini awkwardly and painfully discuss the Browns new coaching hire (while avoiding looking into the camera as if he's experiencing his first middle school slow dance), I can only help but wonder: What ESPN personality do you see yourself having the most enjoyable day with? Describe your day.

Well Toph, I'm glad you asked that, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with this competition.
I see me and Erin Andrews sitting on an uninhabited beach with a 1984 bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon (1984 was a good year). All you can hear are the sounds of the crashing waves, the occasional seagull passing by, and the sweet sounds of Sisqo (Of course I brought a boom-box and my Sisqo CD). We'd talk about sports, dance by the moonlight (She was on Dancing with the Stars. I honed my skills at Hulas and Toads), joke over a candle light dinner, run away from the waves as they crashed on the sand, and ---.

Waitttt a minute. My girlfriend is in this competition, isn't she? She'll be reading this. I was just kidding about all that stuff with Erin. That would just be such an awful time.

Ideally, I'd spend the day with Lou Holtz. We'd wake up. Scarf down a bowl of Berry, Berry Kix (Lou's favorite). He'd teach me how to run routes for pick-up football in the morning. For lunch, it's grilled cheese sandwiches and milkshakes. We'd order his favorite movie, Rudy, on demand in the afternoon (Rudy was offsides by the way - I wouldn't mention that to Lou though). For dinner, Burger King, because it's the best meal ever. We'd finish off our fries just before kickoff of the Notre Dame game. Notre Dame would be the underdog, expected to lose by 30-40 points. But Lou would still pick them to win on ESPN anyway - because well, Lou always picks them to win. Even when they're 2-9, playing 11-0 USC. Naturally, Notre Dame would lose. But Lou would give me great insight on what he would've done when he was their coach 63 years ago. After that, we'd hop in our onesies, have my mom read us bedtime stories, and hit the hay.

Yeah, that'd be something else.

MC: Has your journey through Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama given you any insight as to the how the playoffs might pan out from here on out? If so, what can you share with us?

When I arrived at my 1st stop in Texas this past week I stayed in Houston and visited the #1 High School Football team in Texas, the Pearland High School Oilers. As I presented the Pearland Oilers with the ever prestigious MaxPreps National Guard national ranking trophy I noticed that this team, in lack of better terms, was small as fuck. It proves that being more athletic and playing within a system and not a team of individuals you can win titles. They're not huge, I'm really only talking about Daniel Woodhead and Wesley Welker, and not so much Vincenzo Wilfork. But ipso facto, Pats it is. Plus their Coach doesn’t f--k foot p---ies.

I entered into Louisiana, by a sign in French, not knowing what to expect. I drove over a swamp, it was literally called "Henderson’s Swamp" the highway went right over it. I was in awe of how massive this swamp was, but was immediately distracted from this when I saw a sign reading "River Boat Gambling Boats Exit I forget". Never in my life have I been so turned on by a sign. I didn't stop in Louisiana but these three characteristics that I withdrew from this state perfectly relate to the Packers. The Packers are hard to like now that Aaron Rodgers decides to act like Phillip Rivers, kind of how the French are hard to like those cheese eating surrender monkeys. They're also not pretty like the swamps. AJ Hawk might be the ugliest man in the world, and when you live in Green Bay you start to look like a gay American grizzly magazine model, aka the rest of the team. As to River Boat gambling, I am merely taking a very large gamble on them winning as they are the 6 seed, on the road, playing the #1 team in the NFC.

Next stop, The Hospitality State, Mississippi. Now I was supposed to stay the night in Mississippi, but unfortunately there was a freezing rain, wintry mix, snowstorm and Mississippi does not know how to handle this. I got 4 hours into the state and then was told by the Mississippi National Guard to not go any further and leave. Not very hospitable. Now Baltimore isn’t as cold as most US cities, but their defense plays with such a demeanor and stank it will put a chill down your spine and literally cool down the opposing offense. See that segway? The Ravens are 7-1 at the Bank, M&T Bank Stadium, a record that will make opponents just want to pack up their balls and leave. Baltimore is not a friendly stadium to visit, and either is Mississippi.

The last stop on my 5 day trip took me to Alabama. Mobile to be exact. Roll Tide. I went out to a local Auburn bar to watch the BCS Title game and had to take a cab to and fro the bar. Cab driver #1 was a 55 year old, Caucasian male that weighed about 275 lbs, and smelled like shrimp cocktail. He blatantly admitted to me that he is a crack dealer and he made the passenger before me, a 29 year old female w/ nipple rings, get naked for rock. On my ride home from the bar I had a much different cab driver. He was about 5'7" 160 lbs, African American. He wore black tactical gear including gloves. I found out his other jobs include being a Private Investigator and is currently working on getting his bounty hunters license. I also found out that in the days of Vietnam he was a Marine Scout Sniper. He literally looked me in the eye and said "One shot, one kill". In Mobile, Alabama the cab drivers are unpredictable. Much like da Bears. One day you can have a high powered juggernaut of an offense that cannot be stopped w/ a defense that cannot be penetrated. That relates to cab driver #2 and his Marine Scout Sniper days. Just killing bitches. On the other hand you can have a complete train wreck of a team. A team with a quarterback who looks drunk and a defense that gives up more homerun plays then Boone Logan against lefty hitters. That is cab driver #1. A complete mess just waiting to explode and OD at any moment. A real Jekyll & Hyde team.

That's what happens when you ask seven ridiculous people, a homeless man and a cat to respond to my questions in a ridiculous manner.

Images taken from Google Images

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Might the Jets be acting a little hypocritical ?

When asked by the Daily News if he's ever seen Brady pointing after the Patriots score, Cromartie responded saying, "We see that a lot. He does it a lot. That's the kind of guy he is."

If only Brady were more like the kind of guy Antonio Cromartie is. The kind of guy that has fathered nine kids over eight states with six women. The kind of guy that was only able to refer to eight of his nine children here. The kind of guy who has " daughter (who's name also seems to escape me, even though her birthday was the day before this interview) that just turned three yesterday."

"Once you leave and get home you gotta be that father figure." For whichever kid happens to be in the area on the Jets road trip I guess.

When asked what kind of guy Tom Brady is, Cromartie said, "An ass----. F--- him."

Spoken like a true upstanding gentleman.

Tom Brady is an ass---- for pointing.

If only he were more like Braylon Edwards. Guy's kind enough to teach corners how to "Dougie" in their face after TDs (even after he's arrested for driving intoxicated (.16 BAC) earlier in the week).

Or Santonio Holmes. Yeah, he's a great guy. Makes everyone feel like they're playing in the Super Bowl when he treats every first down like a spectacle, signaling first down more than the refs, after some spastic dance.

Or talking smack down 21 after a six yard gain.

If it weren't for NFL copyright laws, we could pay tribute to LT too, celebrating what must have been the greatest first down of his career against the Patriots - an 11 yard run before the Patriots narrowly defeated them, 45-3.

These are the kind of guys the Jets are. Shame on Tom Brady for pointing at the team that tries to break him down with insults and backhanded comments every week (even when the Jets aren't even playing the Pats). It's absolutely insulting that Tom has the nerve, THE NERVE!, to point at the Jets sideline. The J. E. T. S. Jets! Jets! Jets! carry themselves with class each and every week. They garner more respect as model citizens than any team in the league. DUIs, guys with nine kids, YouTube creepy foot-fetish videos and a coach and his wife's internet group sex application? Yep the Jets exemplify class.

And Tom Brady is such an ass----. F--king pointing at us and s#!+. How dare he victimize the Jets? Un-f'n-believable.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Because We Are Ducks...

Look, the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl was a treat. And the Meineke Car Care Bowl ranks up there with the best of them. But in the grand scheme of things, those games really didn't have any significance. To say that those games mattered, is like saying people care about the "5th Place Game" in fantasy football or the consolation bracket in gym class badminton. People don't. That's just a fact. But tonight's bowl game is actually significant. It's easy to forget that when 54 bowl games in a three week span tend to dilute the college football season for us. But rest assured, the national championship is important.

The nation should be in for a real treat too. The game features two of the most explosive offenses in the country. Oregon comes in averaging 49.1 ppg and Auburn 42.7. To put those numbers into perspective, think about this: For the year, the Oregon Duck had to do as many push-ups as OU had points after each of their scores. No big deal. That amounted to 2,757 push-ups. 2,757 push-ups over 13 games! That's like half the amount I've done in the gym this week! Incredible.

As good as the Ducks offense is, Auburn's isn't that far off - ranking fourth in the nation in scoring. Keeping up with the Ducks won't be a problem for the Tigers. Plus Auburn has a much superior defense, led by defensive stud, Nick Fairley. All signs point to Auburn being crowned the national champion late Monday night.

But if I learned one thing in my childhood, it's that ducks fly together. Even when the roosters are crowing and the cows are spinning circles in the pasture. I've got coach Gordon Bombay to thank for that:

That's right, Jan!

Oregon 38 - Auburn 34

Roll tide.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The First Annual Talbot Talks Sports Playoff Pickoff...

Welcome to the first annual "Talbot Talks Sports Playoff Pickoff," brought to you by the good folks at TopSpot-Promotions, because there's still a 4% chance they're contributing advertising dollars to this website. As much as I'm sure you've enjoyed tuning in for my weekly picks this year, I thought it'd be more fun to give some of my valued readers (there's a reason you weren't included in this Gervino) a shot at an NFL picks title.

What we're playing for:
1st Place: More pride than you can imagine

Pride Rock can't even support the amount of pride we're playing for.

2nd Place: A ball of yarn (at Charlie's request)

(Kitten not included)

3rd Place: A double-stack at Wendy's

(Great value purchase according to Bach Talk)

Once this blog starts raking in the millions we can play for more, but for now, we play for pride, and we play for keeps.

Let's meet the contestants:

Game-Changer (founder of the hottest new blog around: You Play To Win The Game!)
What he brings to the competition: Sexiness, 23 years (as of Tuesday) of football knowledge, bias towards the Patriots and against the Jets, and game-changeability.
Fun Fact: The man supposedly does the best Leslie Chow (The Hangover) impersonation this side of the Mason-Dixon line.
Odds of victory: 8-1

What she brings to the competition: Sexiness, one year of experience watching First Take, four years of experience watching her awesome boyfriend's favorite football team (the Giants), and seven weeks picking experience.
Fun Fact: Over the last seven weeks, she out-picked me 4 weeks to 3. I've finally come to terms with it, and I can finally admit that publicly. (Don't laugh, you all know you've lost to girls during March Madness, because the teams with sweet color jerseys and cities with large malls beat the teams you picked)
Odds of victory: 15-1

A-Rod (founder of the highly-acclaimed: Shepley Chronicles)
What he brings to the competition: Five years experience debating me about football, corny jokes, and a can't-lose attitude we can all respect.
Fun Fact: A-Rod is a "CPM" - A "Certified Picking Machine." Or so he claims. Kid's been asking to challenge me for weeks. Here's your chance A-Rod.
Odds of victory: 9-1

Toph (founder of the most popular sports website around (with the possible exception of Bach Talk
What he brings to the competition: Confidence, an excessive love of all things Bears, sarcasm (that people that now wear #50 on TCNJ don't understand), and love of the game (if it doesn't involve working in the uniform room at the game).
Fun Fact: I asked Toph to describe himself. Here's what he had to say: "How would I describe myself? Three words. Alpha male. Jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable. Just kidding. I took that from Dwight Shrute....But in all seriousness. I'm all of those things." I can attest to that.
Odds of victory: 12-1 (could be better, but I know he's ultimately going to pick the Bears)

Charlie the Cat
What he brings to the competition: Cat-like instincts like you've never seen before, hairballs, the opportunity to shame us all.
Fun Fact: Charlie makes his picks each week, by choosing between two treats (one predetermined to represent one team in a match-up, the other representing the opponent). If Paul the Octopus can pick every game in the World Cup correctly, this cat can pick every game in the NFL playoffs correctly. Besides, if Charlie does go perfect throughout, there's a good chance I can get some recognition for this blog and eventually go global by 2013 (even though I already almost have more readers in Israel than I do in America, according to my stats page).
Side note: Even a cat knows better than to pick the Seahawks.
Odd of victory: 20-1

What she brings to the competition: JT has the uncanny ability to defeat me in Jeopardy almost every night, even though I'm three years her senior. She doesn't follow the NFL that much, but I still expect to lose to her. That's just the way it goes. Primary reason you should never let your sister in a playoff pickoff contest on your website, when you're trying to gain credibility.
Fun Fact: Her favorite food is bread.
Odds of victory: 16-1 (odds of victory against me: 1-1)

What he brings to the competition: Creativity, more experience in age than anyone besides Homeless Bill, determination, and dance-moves like we've never seen before.
Fun Fact: MC is banned from my former college for life, but occasionally reappears on campus under the pseudo name, Deputy Detective Lester Peabody, from time to time.
Odds of victory: 10-1

What he brings to the competition: Composure, wittiness, experience, bias towards the Jets, perfect rotation on his jump-shot, and a gambler's mentality.
Fun Fact: I plan to average 12 assists per game in our YMCA Basketball League this year with the help of Rone's jumper. If you see "Michael Jordan's Secret Stuff" on the schedule, you might as well not even show up to the game.
Odds of victory: 8-1

Homeless Bill
What he brings to the competition: A full head of hair, a cardboard sign, and a hunger for third place.
Fun Fact: Homeless Bill is actually a fictitious person. Kind of. He's real (via Google search: homeless man), but he's not actually feeding me picks each week. But if the Cavs can hire a homeless guy in their organization why can't I? What's a good pickoff without a fictitious homeless guy anyway? So we'll use a coin flip to decide his picks (Tails: Home - cause it never fails, Heads: Away - cause it's not tails).
Odds of victory: 34-1

The CEO (Me)
I chose to be known as "The CEO," because I'm the CEO of Talbot Talks Sports. I'm also the CFO, the COO, the controller, the management team, the VP of marketing, the head of compensation, and the head of HR. Oh, and I'm in this thing, to win this thing.
What I bring to the competition: The competition itself. I planned/created it.
Fun Fact: My favorite fruit is a tie between watermelon and a strawberry.
Odds of victory: 30-1 (cause, well, we all saw how well I did in the playoffs last season (2-9)).

Good luck to all. Let's hope the new playoff overtime system doesn't screw us all over.

Images taken from Google Images

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

One Man. One Voice. One Golden Opportunity.

NY Post - The homeless man with the "golden radio voice" wanted a second chance -- and did he ever get it.

As soon as Ted Williams, a panhandler who became an online hit after video of him begging on an Ohio roadside was posted to the Internet, appeared on a local radio show this morning the offers began pouring in -- including a dream job with the Cleveland Cavaliers and a free house.

"The Cleveland Cavaliers just offered me a full-time job and a house! A house! A house!," repeated a stunned Williams, 71, on local radio station WNCI.

A caller to the show who said she represented the Cavs offered Williams, who shot to stardom after local newspaper the Columbus Dispatch on Monday posted video of his perfectly-pitched panhandling, a full-time job doing voiceover work for the team and parent company and a free home in Cleveland.

The Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, native trained to be a radio announcer before drugs and alcohol ruined his chances at a career, and he was reduced to begging on the side of a road in Columbus, Ohio, before the newspaper found him.

Local police would refer to Williams as "Radio man," when chasing him from his usual begging spots, Williams said.

"I've been out there about a year; I just didn't know anything like this would ever happen," an overwhelmed Williams said earlier in the show. "There's so many words. I've already been characterized to [Scottish singing sensation] Susan Boyle ... I'm just so happy."

Before the Cavs made their bid, the station said a group of credit unions offered Williams a contract worth up to $10,000; a caller claiming to rep MTV expressed interest in having him guest-announce a show; and callers who said they were the voiceover actors behind plugs for "The Simpsons" and "Entertainment Tonight" said they wanted him to compete on their upcoming "America's Next Voice" -- where the prize includes a home studio.

For a man suddenly thrust from an Ohio roadside into the hearts of the world, Williams set his sights low.

"Just to get back to some normalcy and responsibility -- If I can a job, whether it's a twenty-five or even $18,000, I'd be happy," he said. "At least I know God has me where he wants me."

Well, it's official. The homeless man with the "golden" voice finally got his wish. He's got a job and a home. Move over Justin Bieber. You're not the only YouTube sensation to make it big. Say hello to newest employee of the Cleveland Cavaliers - formerly homeless man, Ted Williams.

Second chances are becoming a big ordeal these days. Everyone's looking for the next Mike Vick to come from the lowest low and reach the highest high for their organization. Even Michigan experimented with their towel boy. Talks have even emerged that Plaxico Burress might return next season to the Giants.

Now I just need ESPN to take me from the lowest of lows, this blog (I'm being modest, this blog is awesome), to the highest of highs, It's only a matter of time.

One more thing to add. It's a shame, the Cavs didn't have this guy as a selling point when they wanted Lebron James to return to Cleveland. The "King" and the "Golden Voice" could have hooked up and become the greatest player/announcing tandem of all-time. There's no way Lebron's leaving that opportunity. There's just no way.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I Don't Wanna See That Either...

This guy's enthusiasm fires me up. I want this guy on my team. He's not just gonna sit there and let the #1 answer slip away. He's beating his opponent to the buzzer every time...and another time after that. It doesn't matter if he's got nothing lined up in his wheelhouse. He's just winging it. Whatever comes to mind first, he's going with it. And he's doing it with enthusiasm and confidence. He just told Steve Harvey a burglar's #1 fear when breaking into a house is seeing a naked grandma when you get through the window. Heck, he was so adamant about it, he convinced me my #1 fear would be the same. His opponent feels the same way. "I don't wanna see that either."

The most surprising thing about this clip isn't the man's response, or that it turned out to be the #2 answer on the board. It's that it only turned out to be the #2 answer on the board. I guess the #1 answer would have to be the burglar seeing his own naked grandma.