Monday, August 30, 2010

Fantasy Football Diaries - Version 2.1

Okay, here goes.

Rocking the Plaxico Burress jersey this year. Wasn't ready to bring that upon my team last season, but after a year I think it's safe to bring it back out. It symbolizes the punishment I didn't deserve when the curse was brought down upon my team three years ago when I took Bironas in the sixth. Let's hope this decision doesn't shoot me in the leg.

I thought about taking a running total of the number of times someone made a joke about me taking kickers in the sixth round, but I thought my computer might explode from overuse.

That's weird the drafts about to start and Smooth hasn't cursed anyone out ye.....

Smooth: Scott are you f***ing kidding me bro?! Get your legs off my f***ing box you ass****!

Ah, it feels like draft season again.
(Side note: One day I'd like to know why ass is street legal but ass**** makes it a curse word).

So people are a little disappointed in K Dub and PL. After all, K Dub was too hungover to be in attendance, and PL feared that spending two hours away from his girlfriend might be unhealthy for their relationship and that it was worth spending $20 to let the computer pick him the worst team ever.

Everyone agreed it was weak of Phil not to come.

Toph: My girlfriend was here this weekend and I made her leave.
Me: My girlfriend wanted to come today and I said no.
Scott (on the newly added microphone): I'm supposed to be at work right now........I didn't go.

MC grabs the mic: With the sixth pick in the draft, Bob Talbot selects...Rob Bironas.

Everyone laughs.

Guys I quit! I swear.

Okay, so as MC mentioned, this year I've got the sixth pick. A pick I claimed last year was one of the best. With the hour delay before the draft, I had a lot of time to think about what players would likely fall to me at #6. Okay so CJ, AP, MJD and Ray Rice are gone. Scott could either go Turner, Gore or Rodgers. That leaves me with a great opportunity to take Rodgers if he's still available or Andre Johnson if Rodgers goes at number 5. With Rodgers I would remain consistent in drafting the best fantasy QB each year, like I have in all previous years. See: Culpepper, McNabb, Brady, Manning, Brees, Rodgers. So I really hope it's Rodgers. QBs are the staple to my team.

If you remember, however, QBs are the staple to our league.
1) Chris Johnson
2) Adrian Peterson
3) Drew Brees
4) Peyton Manning
5) Aaron Rodgers
6) What the f just happened?
I'm not prepared for this at all. Yes, QBs go faster than the M&Ms in Rex Ryan's coaching office, but it's the 6th overall pick and any QB I thought about taking other than Matt Schaub is off the board. I'm not taking Matt Schaub sixth. How can I pass up on MJD or Ray Rice? Better yet, how do I even decide between the two? This wasn't supposed to happen.

Ray Rice. Two picks later, I already hate my team.

Round 2 - Phil autopicks Matt Schaub. Thanks again for coming Phil. Now I have to decide between Phillip Rivers and Tony Romo. I'm a Giants fan. I refuse to root for these guys. I guess I have to root for the biggest d-bag in football this season. Welcome to the team Phillip.

I really hate my team. It's bad when you hate your team before you get to the s*** players.

Moving on...

With the 4th pick in the 3rd round, Smooth Jota selects Dallas Clark?????????? Dallas f'n Clark. A tight end. In the third round?!

Wait a minute. Could this be! Could this be worse than taking Bironas in the sixth?! Am I officially off the hook?

The other guys: Nope, Bironas is still the worst. But this is damn near close.

ZR: J that's the stupidest pick I've ever seen.
Smooth: "[ZR you're going to be] last in the league I guarantee it and I'm gonna win".
ZR: [Something along the lines of no f'n chance, you just took Dallas Clark in the third round. You're an idiot].
Smooth: [Well ZR], "I'm doing what I don't usually do because what I've done the last five years doesn't work".

In a weird way that makes a lot of sense. By uttering that sentence Smooth, myself and I think most everyone else can actually respect your pick of Dallas Clark right there.

Toph: "I can respect that reasoning J. I'm the second worst every year and I'm still doing what I usually do".

This is why I still don't believe Toph will turn things around this year.

I really think there should be a 10 minute break or something after that Dallas Clark pick. I think we all need some time to let that one settle in. I guess I'm the only one not prepared for this matter though. The rest of the league was desensitized to these sort of things a few years ago, when I took kickers before running backs.

Okay, so with Dallas Clark off the board, I needed to take a wide receiver. Roddy White, you look like the best on the board.

Hating my team more now...

Round 4. Flashback to an hour before the draft:
Toph: I can't wait to see who picks Ryan Mathews prematurely, boasting about how awesome he's gonna be when they won't even know what college he played for.
Me (glancing at a picture of Mathews in the magazine Toph was holding and recognizing he's rocking a Fresno State jersey): Haha, yeah man I know you mean.

With the fifth pick in the fourth round, I take Mathews. Did you see how awesome he was in college?!? Me neither. But seriously, he's gonna be awesome. I mean come on, Yahoo! ranked him #8 in their preseason rankings. We know how accurate they are.

Round 5.

Scott: "I know my next pick and I hope nobody takes him". Thanks Scott.

So here's my thought process. Brett Favre is coming back. At the time, we didn't know this. But, I mean come on, we all knew this. So I want Sidney Rice. I look to see who might possibly take him before me, and I see Scott's the pick ahead of me this round. At this point, Scott has already drafted what seems to be his team from last year. So, by the looks of it, Rice is already gone. Pick #45: Sidney Rice. Damnit Scott! I really felt like I needed that one. Vernon Davis it is. He killed me last year. Might as well bring the dark side over to the light? side??

Quick Anecdote: Sidney Rice is out for half the season.

That's why you don't prepare for the draft! Sure, you feel disappointed when you don't get the pick you want, but it only makes you feel that much better when you realize you dodged a bullet later on. I'm sorry Scott.

In Round 6 I took Wes Welker. You never really wanna take a guy who's knee pretty much exploded the year before, especially when his doctor messed up the surgery the first go around. But hey, Wes gets 115 catches a year in his sleep. A rehabing Wes should be good for 80-95 right? Yeah, I'll keeping telling myself that.

Another highlight of Round 6. MC took Brandon Jacobs. Toph and I agreed MC would probably take Brandon Jacobs before the draft started. MC, he's a 260 lb. RB that can't convert on 3rd and 1 anymore, and loves trying to run to the outside. We'll see how that one plays out for you.

Round 7 I take the Vikings defense, followed by Braylon Edwards in Round 8.

Hating my team more and more...
(Do we see a trend here?)

After a quick bathroom break I come back down to hear Smooth saying, "Ya, I got a feeling about him" - referring to CJ Spiller.

Me: "What round is it guys? Still Round 8? And Smooth took CJ Spiller? Ooooookay."

Seriously guys? How am I still mocked for Bironas with these ridiculous picks occurring all the time? Was it really that bad?

While we're on the subject of Smooth, I forgot to mention. Smooth's computer monitor was so big you could literally see his pick queue from anywhere in the room. Not that seeing CJ Spiller wouldn't be available would have saved me any trouble with my next pick, but it would've been entertaining to watch. I wish I watched Smooth queue his players the whole time. That could've made for a great article.

To get an idea of how bad my draft was going I took Clinton Portis, Terrell Owens and Chad Henne with my next three picks. I could justify my reasoning, but I'm not gonna.

Hating my team more now.

Probably not as much as Phil though. Someone points out that for some reason, ESPN has just been autopicking Phil running backs the whole time. In rounds 9-14, ESPN autopicked four running backs for Phil. The guy had seven running backs when it was all said and done. Nothing like five of the six bench spots being phil-ed (ya see what I did there?) by running backs for good measure. You never know how many could go down to injuries or unruly fans. At least Phil has one backup wide receiver. That could be very useful when the bye weeks roll around.

In Round 12, I take Garrett Hartley as my kicker. I waited til Round 12 guys, alright? I really wanted Hartley. He's off drugs (I think) and he was so clutch in the playoffs (NFC Championship game-winning kick included). It would have been a risk to leave him out there. I'm getting better at this guys.

Smooth takes Ladainian Tomlinson. No surprise for the Jets fan. This spawns an argument in which ZR makes fun of Smooth, Smooth retaliates, which causes ZR to lay down the hammer:
"Congratulations on gonna be last place again J!" Ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh! The war room uproars at the sweet burn. Then laughs at ZR for his lame comment. In ZR's defense. He had a lot on his mind. Examining an excel spreadsheet with players divided into five tiers with an alternate sixth can be quite strenuous on the brain. Come on guys, give him a break!

G Com had the best response to ZR's comment: "Ya, behind the guy that has seven running backs".

To close out the draft I took Bernard Berrian (we're gonna try this one more time as my sleeper WR), Arian Foster (Texan running backs were bad to me last year, but again, I'm all about second chances this year), and Golden Tate (I really don't have a clue why).

Yeah, I hate my team.

After the draft, MC suggested when I upload the teams to Yahoo!, I should just give him Tony Romo instead of Eli (since Eli's bye week is the same as his starter's). Don't see this as a sign of doubt for MC though. Because as he proclaimed at the end of the draft, "I'm currently tied for first, so snack on these nuts!"

We spent 10-15 minutes afterwards reviewing the draft at our leisure.

G Com referring to Smooth's team: "I could not be less intimidated by anyone on this team". We all laughed and agreed. Well Smooth, I respect the thought process behind your new draft strategy, but let's think the new one through a little more next time.

So to summarize the longest article in the history of articles not written by Bill Simmons. We draft quarterbacks, PL drafts running backs, we don't trade, Smooth drafted Dallas Clark in the third round, Scott doesn't like cabs anymore, K Dub forgot he won last year, PL loves running backs, I hate my team, and PL loves running backs.

But none of this really matters, because there's just going to be a lockout anyway.

Until next year...

Images taken from Google Images

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