Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The "Why Hasn't ESPN Hired Me As An NFL Analyst Yet?" Week 15 Picks...

San Francisco at San Diego (Thursday Night Football)
*"It's a Trap!" Game of the Week
Here's proof I got my pick in on time for this game:

Pretend I didn't say I almost took San Fran. Someone must have photoshopped that in.

So at 8-6, the Chargers are now a 1/2 game behind Kansas City for the lead in the AFC West. But Kansas City has a fairly easy schedule ahead. It looks like the Chargers may have dug themselves a hole (haha, a hole) too deep to get out of. Here's how Ron Burgundy, a life-long San Diego fan, feels about that:

Cleveland at Cincinnati
I just found out Toonces is a Bengals fan. I guess they have that feline connection. Someone stop him before he does something drastic:

In a way, Toonces plunge was a perfect representation of the 2010 Cincinnati Bengals.

Washington at Dallas

Top 5 people Tashard Choice is likely to ask for their John Hancock after the game:
1) Donovan McNabb - superstar when Choice was a kid (8 years ago)
2) Clinton Portis - a running back he probably modeled his game after
3) Daniel Synder - it takes quite a talent to be that bad as a GM
4) DeAngelo Hall - gotta respect his speed
5) We're cutting this list down to four, because I'm not sure who else plays for the Redskins

Houston at Tennessee
This is so great. Houston needs a win at Tennessee, at Denver, & home against Jacksonville to finish 8-8........again. I thought this was their year. But as I always say, much like Dippin' Dots, their success will be a thing of the future. Hopefully the Texans are more efficient. At 22 years and counting, Dippin' Dots still maintains their mediocre stance in the marketplace. Can you imagine if the Texans were 8-8 for 22 years in a row? I'm starting to think it's possible. On the bright side, if the divisions ever get re-aligned and the Texans wind up in the NFC West. At 8-8, they'd win the division like 18 of those 22 years.

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
This game actually means something? The Jaguars can lock up the division with a win? You kidding me? I have to admit I'm starting to really like the Jags. After all, they were my third favorite team in 5th grade. I named my scooter football team after them. Had a Brunell jersey and everything. (Side note: I was an All-American in scooter football. My career record was 11-1. I won a championship in 4th grade. I lost the championship in 5th grade on a missed game-winning field goal as time expired by about six inches. I missed the field goal. We were down big at halftime, but my inspirational halftime speech, "It's not over until the fat lady sings," helped charge my team for the comeback. And then I let our team down in the closing seconds in front of the whole school. They voted for All-Americans before the Scooter Bowl that year.) Anyways, I'm really impressed by the Jags right now. Do the Jags always give the Colts trouble? Yes. Do I think the Jags can win this division? Yes. But do I think Peyton Manning will let them do it on his watch? No way.

Kansas City at St. Louis
I really hope Matt Cassel plays in this one. I'm pulling hard for a four-way tie in the NFC West in which the Niners take the division at 6-9-1 (This can seriously happen).

Buffalo at Miami
I tried to find something appealing about this game. Here's what I came up with:
Buffalo WR Roscoe "Dash what's up?" Parrish returns to Miami where he went to college at the "U". Sounds like we're in for a real treat. Make sure you keep the volume on your TV "All the Way Turned Up" for this game. (I suddenly wish I was in Panama City right now)

Detroit at Tampa Bay
Drew Stanton leads teams to comeback victories and spoils playoff hopes. It's a fact. Don't believe me? Check his track record:

Drew Stanton's track record:
Dec. 12, 2010: Led the Lions to a come-from-behind 7-3 victory over the Packers and possibly spoiled their playoff hopes.

The evidence is all there. Tampa Bay ran into this one-man-playoff-spoiling crew at the wrong time.

Blackout Thursday's Game of the Week: ARZ @ CAR
(Awarded to the game most likely to be blacked out on television due to lack of fan interest)

Arizona at Carolina - *Upset?? Special (Can we call this an upset?)
Who wants Andrew Luck more? Steve Smith may purposely drop passes if it means getting rid of Jimmy Clausen. But can you really pick a team who's kicker is also their best quarterback and running back? I don't think so.

Breakout fantasy player for the Cardinals this week:
Ben Graham (punter)
Projected Stats: 14 passing yds, 1 TD, 1 INT, 3 carries, 13 yards, 0 TDs, 7 punts, 43.5 net avg., 54 long - 5.8 fantasy points

New Orleans at Baltimore
Really excited to see this match-up. Tells us a lot about where these two teams stand in the upper echelon of pro football right now. The Saints are quietly flying under the radar. This game gets them back on it.

Philadelphia at NY Giants - *Upset Special
I BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!! I BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Hey Michael! People don't forget."

Ps. I enjoyed DeSean Jackson's showboating on the 1 yard line Sunday night. It looked like Deion Sanders, perhaps the greatest showboat of all, was reincarnated on that Dallas turf.

Atlanta at Seattle
I know Seattle rarely loses at home, but they rarely beat any teams that aren't in the AFC or NFC West, and Atlanta might be the most complete team in football.

NY Jets at Pittsburgh *Bonus "It's a trap!" Game of the Week
The New York Jets. "Where Class Happens."

You'd think being surrounded by all these upstanding young gentlemen on the Jets, this guy would know better. But I guess one bad apple in an organization always slips through the cracks.

I like the Steelers in this one. Not as confident with the news that Troy Polamula isn't expected to play. Score one point for the team arguing the Jets have had a lot of luck this year.

Denver at Oakland *Gus Johnson alert
Denver has officially given up. At one point last week Jay Feely alone was beating the Broncos 22-3! The kicker! Jay Feely! He outscored Denver 25-13 for the game! That's how bad Denver is. That bad.

Also, after watching the owner of the Cubs pathetically do the work of his subordinates on Undercover Boss a few weeks ago, I got to thinking - If I could pick one sports owner to partake in Undercover Boss who would I want it to be? This week, it came to me. Al Davis, owner of the Raiders. Can we make this happen? Some people are speculating Al Davis is actually dead right now. Why? Well, the Raiders recently changed their slogan from "Just Win Baby" (Al's saying) to "Just Cut it Loose" (Cable's saying). They've limited the number of times they send their wide receivers on go-routes (the play Al demands to be run at least 20 times a game). And, well, I don't think anyone has seen Al move in six months. It would be so great to see him on Undercover Boss. I would imagine the episode would turn out something like this (with Bernie Lomax representing Al Davis of course):

Green Bay at New England
Matt Flynn vs. Tom Brady. Hmmm. Tough call.

Chicago at Minnesota (at the University of Minnesota)
This one expects to be a zero degree, wintry Monday Night affair. Third string quarterback Joe Webb vs. the 9-4 Bears. It's hard not to take Chicago in this one. I mean they looked so good last week in a snowy, cold, outdoor match-up versus the Patriots. Gotta take the Bears. Not because they're playing an inexperienced, young quarterback from Alabama in extreme winter conditions. But because the Bears were built for these elements. When the temperature drops, you can count on the Bears.

Last Week: 12-4
Season: 127-81

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