Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Winners! Winners! Winners! - My Week 14 Picks...

At 37-11 in my last three weeks, my confidence level is this high right now! THIS HIGH!

If you haven't watched that video you need to go back and watch it. I repeat. If you haven't watched that video you need to go back and watch it. Heck, if you have watched it, go back and watch it again.

Indianapolis at Tennessee (Thursday Night Football)
Peyton Manning has 11 interceptions in his last three games! 11 interceptions! He's thrown 4 TDs in the last two the opposing team! The Colts have lost 3 games in a row. I'm pretty sure the last time that happened I was still learning to read and right write (Okay, bad example). But still, it had to be a decade ago Peyton and the Colts were playing this bad. That's the bad news. The good news. Since leaving the Pats, teams with Randy Moss are now 1-7. Of those teams, the Titans are 0-4 with him. Manning couldn't have picked a better time to stumble into the home state of his alma-mater. I predict next week I write: Since leaving the Pats, teams with Randy Moss are now 1-8. Just a hunch.

Cleveland at Buffalo
Buffalo's biggest mistake last week was injuring Brett Favre. Somewhere Joe Theismann is saying, "You gotta protect the quuuuaaarrrtterrrrBBBBACCCK!" Especially when you're trying to beat the Vikings. Brett would've won the game for Buffalo. They obviously didn't watch any film before last week's game. Or maybe that game was God's way of saying, "Don't question my ways Stevie Johnson! Don't question my ways!"

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
I know what you're thinking. Pittsburgh solidified themselves as the second best team in the league last week. Cincinnati has lost 9 in a row. You're thinking this is a blowout. But I'm so tempted to make this my upset special of the week. Last year Cincinnati would have came through for me. This year they're saying, "We could come through for you. Or we could just make more commercials and film a reality TV show."

Maybe "Hard Knocks" was the worst thing that could have happened to the Bengals. They liked having their show so much, they became actors first, and football players second.

Ps. Did anyone see Carson Palmer just take the sack to lose the game on Sunday against the Saints? He had no timeouts, there was 2 seconds left on the clock, and all his wide receivers were in single-coverage down field. What did Palmer do? He just stood there and took the sack instead of throwing it up to give his WRs a chance to make a play and win the game. Somewhere Pepper Brooks from Dodgeball is saying, "That's a bold strategy Cotton. Let's see how it works out."

Green Bay at Detroit
Why does it seem like every Lions' game ends in Jim Schwartz going ballistic about a call on the sideline? This team just seems destined to lose every week. Even when they're pretty good, they're still 2-10.

And check out Drew Stanton trying to "Teach Me How to Dougie." Somebody answer his request, and teach him how to dougie!

NY Giants at Minnesota
I've seen the Giants play the Vikings a few times over the years. And every time Eli throws three interceptions to Darren Sharper, two of which are returned for touchdowns. Well, good news - Darren Sharper no longer plays for the Vikings. There has been another constant in this match-up though. We (yes, I play for the Giants) always hold AP to around 43 yards on 20+ carries. But, we also always ruin that by giving up one 40-60 yard TD run for AP. I wish the stats could read Peterson, 20 carries, 43 yards, 0 TD / 1 carry, 59 yards, 1 TD (on one f*** up). But they don't. And Peterson likely will have another 50-yard scamper against us this week. So that's one point for us, one point for the Vikings. But, I do have something that breaks the tie:

We're eternally in Brett Favre's head. If Brett doesn't throw that pick and cost his team a shot at the Super Bowl title, there's a legitimate shot Brett could have (wouldn't cause he didn't have David Tyree) won the Super Bowl that year and retired from the game on top. Instead, the Giants picked him off, the Packers lost, Brett signed with the Jets, sent pictures of his little gunslinger to Jenn Sterger, ended that season on an interception, signed with the Vikings, ended that season on an interception, came back to the Vikings, the pictures surfaced, he lost a lot of games, and right now his status is unknown, but hey, if his season is over, it did end on an interception again. Giants 2, Vikings 1. I'm still a believer G-men.

Tampa Bay at Washington
Tampa Bay lost it's starting center and cornerback this week, and I'm still picking them. Ya know why? Because Washington is paying this guy $100 million:

Atlanta at Carolina
If the Eagles do make the playoffs (and keep in mind I hope they don't), is anyone starting to get really excited for a Falcons-Eagles match-up? I'd say my excitement level is on par with this:

Minus the pills, and the crying, and being scared.

Oakland at Jacksonville
Can this team realistically win the division race against Peyton Manning and the Colts? Yes. Did I pick the Colts to win the Super Bowl in the preseason? Yes. Does that make me want to throw my computer out the window when I read that column? Yes.

Seattle at San Francisco - Upset Special*
Somebody slap me if I'm wrong about this one. San Fran, the least you could do is make me look good picking you one time this season.

St. Louis at New Orleans
Normally we'd be talking about the "Madden Curse" right now, and how it was affecting Drew Brees' play and hurting the Saints as a result. And if you recall, the Saints were 4-3 at one point this year, struggling to compete with a lot of teams. That was until Jets fans reversed the curse on Drew Brees, and brought it upon someone else. We'll get to that in a moment...

Miami at NY Jets
A lot of people are probably expecting me to really lay into the Jets right here. I think they laid into themselves enough on Monday night. I've scoured the Earth looking for the wittiest thing to say about that game, and I've got nothing. The game shocked the wit right out of me.

I can say this though: Ladanian deserves the Jets "Play of the Game." And he's got a celebration to prove it. Quality first down bro. Quality.

One more thing. I think Jets fans got ahead of themselves again. And it cost their team the game on Monday night. The Jets fans I know like to get ahead of themselves on a consistent basis. Heck, the team does too. Case in point: 1) The Jets appear to think they won the Super Bowl last year 2) The Jets appear to think they already won the Super Bowl this year 3) Jets fans appear to feel the same way.

Well, I came across this photo last week:

Jets fans are so concerned with getting ahead of themselves, they already put Rex Ryan on the cover of Madden 2011. Thereby putting the Madden Curse on Rex Ryan and the Jets before this season even ended. They got so ahead of themselves they inadvertently cursed their team before they won the Super Bowl, and likely cost themselves the Super Bowl.

The Jets had no chance on Monday night if you really think about it.

Denver at Arizona
Pick your poison folks. Fact! Interim coaches win their first game this year. Fact!

Ps. Is former Bronco, Mark Schlereth's "'Stinkin' Good Green Chile" the best kept secret at ESPN right now? How was I not aware this existed? How has this not gone viral? Or did I miss this years ago?

Kansas City at San Diego - *Gus Johnson alert
I'm beginning to think the Chargers aren't going to Go! Chargers! Go! to the playoffs. But I do believe they'll string together a nice bounce-back game against the Chiefs. Doesn't mean the Chargers will win the division, because I think the Chiefs probably will. But I do think the Chargers will take this one in San Diego.

New England at Chicago - "It's a Trap!" Game of the Week
Last week, I ignored my "trap" game and took the Chargers to beat the Raiders. Well guess what? The Raiders beat the Chargers...handedly. This week, I'm looking my trap game right in the eye, and I'm still ignoring it's warning sign. This is a bad idea. But it's really hard to think a team playing as well as the Pats could lose right now. I'm going to prematurely accept defeat on this pick. But that won't help my win column. Cause I'm still taking the Pats.

Ps. The Bears dropped a spot in the power rankings after their win last week. If they win the Super Bowl, I'm half convinced they'll be ranked #4 in the final rankings the following week.

Philadelphia at Dallas
I expect DeMarcus Ware to create problems for Vick, but I still see the Eagles squeaking out a win in this one. I need you to win this one Dallas. I need to be wrong about this pick.

Speaking of things that are wrong, here's something that is so wrong it's right:
Roy Williams was quoted saying last week that he's "the most consistent wide receiver on the Cowboys." I laughed out loud when I heard this - thinking he couldn't be any more wrong. But then I got to thinking. You know what Roy? You're absolutely right. Each and every week you usually compile 1-2 catches for 7-16 yards. That is consistency when it all comes down to it. Touche Roy, touche.

In other news about this game, Michael Vick is the leading vote-getter for the Pro-Bowl this year. What are the odds? I wonder how the head of PETA feels about this?

Baltimore at Houston
As many of you may already know, for a long time I've been comparing the Texans to Dippin' Dots. Dippin' Dots has been the ice cream of the future for the last 22 years. The Texans have been the team of the future for the last five. I've always wondered, after 22 years, if the future would ever actually become the present and we'd prefer Dippin' Dots over, oh say, Turkey Hill. And I've always wondered if the Texans, the team of the future, would ever become the team of the present. If the Texans keep their abysmal play up, I'm going to have to pull the Dippin' Dots label off of them and start dubbing them "Space Ice Cream" - the ice cream we know will suck whether it be the past, present or future.

Last Week: 11-5
Season: 115-77

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