Friday, January 14, 2011

Was I Crazy Enough to Let the Competitors Sound-off on This Competition? You Betcha...

Highlights of Wild Card Weekend:

Game-Changer and Rone are out to an early lead.

Homeless Bill is right where he wants to be, tied for 3rd - the double-stack within reach. He can almost taste it – which is probably pretty torturous for a man in his position.

Operation: Make Charlie the Cat as big as Paul the Octopus is off to a terrible start.

Toph might want to rethink picking the Bears after his 1-3 performance last week.

I’m just happy I’m not losing to the cat yet.

I caught up with our competitors to see how they felt about their performances last week. Here's what they had to say:

Game-Changer: Take us through the day of a game-changer on “pick” day. What is it about you that has allowed you to get out to an early lead?

Well, you know, that’s a great question Bob and I appreciate you asking. The thing is, I never really know when pick day is, so it’s hard to tell you exactly what motions I go through to prepare for them. Really, I just go through my normal day, repeating certain daily procedures so that I’m ready when the picks come to me. I wake up, carry refrigerators out of trucks on my back, do pull-ups on my dad’s arm, and have my hamstrings massaged with fabrated milk every night before I go to bed. And not much else in between. Just normal things that all gifted pick-makers(?) do, day in and day out. And then I play the waiting game. The other day I was watching Executive Decision on TV, and my brother made the comment (as Kurt Russell and company were silently boarding the plane), “Wow, those guys are true patriots.” Suddenly it became clear to me. They defeated the terrorists, disarmed the bomb, and took the jet down. Boom. Pats over Jets. Simple.Then, the other night, I was having one of my recurring dreams where I’m Duke Nukem and me and Matt Hasselbeck are tearing through the levels of the game just obliterating aliens or whatever the hell those ugly things are. This isn’t unusual since naturally I’m invincible and can’t die, but I take pride in trying to protect Hasselbeck ‘til the end (he’s not a great shot, unsurprisingly). We were almost there, but then, out of nowhere, a bear came and ripped his head off. I know, it’s silly, bears aren’t even in the game.

The point is, the answer is always right there, you just have to be willing to listen.

Hah, I’m just kidding. Really, I’m just smarter than everyone else.

A-Rod: What significant lifestyle changes have you made in the last week that are going to help you bounce back after last week’s less-than-impressive showing in your picks?

Well, considering my lengthy baseball background and the influence it has on my life, "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"(Yogi Berra Reference #1). So in real life what i actually did was changed cereal, cerealously! I had been sporting the Frost Flakes like a true champ because "They'rrrrer Great" and all, but my mom made a managerial decision at the store and brought home Fruit Loops (Life Change #1).

The next problem I addressed was "We made too many wrong mistakes." (Yogi Berra #2) What I mean is, I now make sure to I stick to the fundamentals.."Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical." (Yogi Berra #3) I wake up at approximately 10:30am and while enjoying my Fruit Loops I get my spiritualism on by indulging myself in Bob Marley and clips of Kenny Powers (Life change #2). Lastly, I get my swell on in my bedroom, not the gym because i have a universal machine, while listening to Requiem For a Dream, Celtics opening theme from their Championship Year.

At the end of the day, "The game's isn't over until it's over." (Yogi Berra #4)

Charlie: How do you respond to the naysayers that say you can't live up to Paul the Octopus' legacy?

(He's staring at me). (Yawn). (Some more staring). (A blink). (And he turned to look out the window). I guess he's un-phased.

Toph: You expressed significant interest in the double stack last week. Did you purposely take a fall in week 1, to set yourself up nicely for a third place finish? Do you feel selfish gunning for a prize a guy like homeless Bill might need a little more?

I'm not Herm Edwards. I don't play to win the game. I know exactly what I want and how I'm going to get it. A 1-3 start was but a stepping stone to lull the competition to sleep while I wisely position myself for a 3rd place Double Stack victory. As for Homeless Bill, no I don't feel bad. Upon reading your question, I went to Wendys.com and investigated the caloric intake of that puppy. The evidence: 360 calories and 18 grams of fat.

Now, I'm operating under the impression that Homeless Bill is either an alcoholic or a crackhead (for obvious reasons). Alcohol and fast food, despite being the diet of 90% of American college students, is a delicious yet lethal combination. High performance athletes, like myself, can fuel their body with junk like Dub Stacks because we expend roughly 7 million calories a day. Adding fast food to a diet already dominated by stolen wine coolers and crack could be catastrophic to Bill's health. I would recommend he panhandle on the corner, perhaps even find a few ho's to pimp, to allow himself the opportunity to eat a healthier and more expensive option, such as the Side Caesar Salad.

The picks: Kid [Cutty] Nation, Brady Bunch, Rapelisberger, and Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood.

Rone: How do you mentally not let an early lead like this get to your head? Seeing as you’re at the top looking down, are you worried you won’t be as focused this week with your picks?

1. First off, I want to let it be known that I'm finding it difficult to be humorous and witty when called to fill these answers with as much humor and wit as possible. And secondly, knowing that every other member was probably told the same thing, now my humor and wit will be matched up against other people's humor and wit, which is just stressful. With that said, Eminem clarifies my outlook:

I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearin down your balcony

And what I'm setting out to be is the winner of Pride Rock (mainly cause Lion King is my favorite movie) Of course, those of you who look down at me are fools because I'm actually on top so the jokes on you.

So basically Bob, I'm Not Afraid of letting this get to my head.

2. Focus has never been a problem for me, except for when I'm studying, lifting, driving, or talking to girls. But none of those apply here, so I'm as focused as Rafiki was when he fought off 12 Hyenas in 7 seconds (do note that I had to google both "rafiki" and "hyenas" to get the spelling right and that my first attempts were "rafeikee" and "heinas")

So Bob, still Not Afraid.

Samson: Do you think you put yourself at a disadvantage, buying your boyfriend a subscription to sports illustrated as part of his Christmas gift? Does the wealth of football knowledge the catalog provides him give you no hope to defeat him in this competition? With that being said, can you explain why his subscription hasn't arrived yet this week?

Ow! Damn papercuts.

Oh wait what? Sorry. No, I don't know where your new issue is.

There better not be blood on that magazine!

JT: How does it feel to have been out-picked by a cat last week?

Sadly, this isn't the first time I've been beaten by a cat. Back in the summer of '86 I was in another contest. It was a meowing contest, because we all know that I can do a mean meow. I was favored to go all the way of course, and I stood on that podium ready to take my trophy when all of a sudden a golden voice came out of nowhere. This apparently homeless cat meowed, and it sounded like a mix of Fergie and Jesus. The judges immediately took away my prize and never again did I see that trophy that I wanted so bad. That cat went on to be famous and was hired by the Bobcats, naturally, to be their announcer. Soon enough the cat was sent to rehab because he was addicted to catnip & his career was over. Did I maybe send 37 packages of catnip to his house? Don't worry about it. So how does it feel to have been out-picked by a cat? Let's just say it brings back some bad memories. A famous proverb states "the cat is honest when the meat is out of her reach" and I believe Charlie can be an honest man now and let me out-pick him this week, because I predict that meaty double stack is out of his reach and allllll mine! I'd like a side of bread though please when I take third.

Homeless Bill: Where do you see yourself in four weeks?

Still homeless. But, with a double stack.

The CEO: (Asked by Toph): As I sit and watch ESPN noob Eric Mangini awkwardly and painfully discuss the Browns new coaching hire (while avoiding looking into the camera as if he's experiencing his first middle school slow dance), I can only help but wonder: What ESPN personality do you see yourself having the most enjoyable day with? Describe your day.

Well Toph, I'm glad you asked that, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with this competition.
I see me and Erin Andrews sitting on an uninhabited beach with a 1984 bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon (1984 was a good year). All you can hear are the sounds of the crashing waves, the occasional seagull passing by, and the sweet sounds of Sisqo (Of course I brought a boom-box and my Sisqo CD). We'd talk about sports, dance by the moonlight (She was on Dancing with the Stars. I honed my skills at Hulas and Toads), joke over a candle light dinner, run away from the waves as they crashed on the sand, and ---.

Waitttt a minute. My girlfriend is in this competition, isn't she? She'll be reading this. I was just kidding about all that stuff with Erin. That would just be such an awful time.

Ideally, I'd spend the day with Lou Holtz. We'd wake up. Scarf down a bowl of Berry, Berry Kix (Lou's favorite). He'd teach me how to run routes for pick-up football in the morning. For lunch, it's grilled cheese sandwiches and milkshakes. We'd order his favorite movie, Rudy, on demand in the afternoon (Rudy was offsides by the way - I wouldn't mention that to Lou though). For dinner, Burger King, because it's the best meal ever. We'd finish off our fries just before kickoff of the Notre Dame game. Notre Dame would be the underdog, expected to lose by 30-40 points. But Lou would still pick them to win on ESPN anyway - because well, Lou always picks them to win. Even when they're 2-9, playing 11-0 USC. Naturally, Notre Dame would lose. But Lou would give me great insight on what he would've done when he was their coach 63 years ago. After that, we'd hop in our onesies, have my mom read us bedtime stories, and hit the hay.








Yeah, that'd be something else.

MC: Has your journey through Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama given you any insight as to the how the playoffs might pan out from here on out? If so, what can you share with us?

When I arrived at my 1st stop in Texas this past week I stayed in Houston and visited the #1 High School Football team in Texas, the Pearland High School Oilers. As I presented the Pearland Oilers with the ever prestigious MaxPreps National Guard national ranking trophy I noticed that this team, in lack of better terms, was small as fuck. It proves that being more athletic and playing within a system and not a team of individuals you can win titles. They're not huge, I'm really only talking about Daniel Woodhead and Wesley Welker, and not so much Vincenzo Wilfork. But ipso facto, Pats it is. Plus their Coach doesn’t f--k foot p---ies.

I entered into Louisiana, by a sign in French, not knowing what to expect. I drove over a swamp, it was literally called "Henderson’s Swamp" the highway went right over it. I was in awe of how massive this swamp was, but was immediately distracted from this when I saw a sign reading "River Boat Gambling Boats Exit I forget". Never in my life have I been so turned on by a sign. I didn't stop in Louisiana but these three characteristics that I withdrew from this state perfectly relate to the Packers. The Packers are hard to like now that Aaron Rodgers decides to act like Phillip Rivers, kind of how the French are hard to like those cheese eating surrender monkeys. They're also not pretty like the swamps. AJ Hawk might be the ugliest man in the world, and when you live in Green Bay you start to look like a gay American grizzly magazine model, aka the rest of the team. As to River Boat gambling, I am merely taking a very large gamble on them winning as they are the 6 seed, on the road, playing the #1 team in the NFC.

Next stop, The Hospitality State, Mississippi. Now I was supposed to stay the night in Mississippi, but unfortunately there was a freezing rain, wintry mix, snowstorm and Mississippi does not know how to handle this. I got 4 hours into the state and then was told by the Mississippi National Guard to not go any further and leave. Not very hospitable. Now Baltimore isn’t as cold as most US cities, but their defense plays with such a demeanor and stank it will put a chill down your spine and literally cool down the opposing offense. See that segway? The Ravens are 7-1 at the Bank, M&T Bank Stadium, a record that will make opponents just want to pack up their balls and leave. Baltimore is not a friendly stadium to visit, and either is Mississippi.

The last stop on my 5 day trip took me to Alabama. Mobile to be exact. Roll Tide. I went out to a local Auburn bar to watch the BCS Title game and had to take a cab to and fro the bar. Cab driver #1 was a 55 year old, Caucasian male that weighed about 275 lbs, and smelled like shrimp cocktail. He blatantly admitted to me that he is a crack dealer and he made the passenger before me, a 29 year old female w/ nipple rings, get naked for rock. On my ride home from the bar I had a much different cab driver. He was about 5'7" 160 lbs, African American. He wore black tactical gear including gloves. I found out his other jobs include being a Private Investigator and is currently working on getting his bounty hunters license. I also found out that in the days of Vietnam he was a Marine Scout Sniper. He literally looked me in the eye and said "One shot, one kill". In Mobile, Alabama the cab drivers are unpredictable. Much like da Bears. One day you can have a high powered juggernaut of an offense that cannot be stopped w/ a defense that cannot be penetrated. That relates to cab driver #2 and his Marine Scout Sniper days. Just killing bitches. On the other hand you can have a complete train wreck of a team. A team with a quarterback who looks drunk and a defense that gives up more homerun plays then Boone Logan against lefty hitters. That is cab driver #1. A complete mess just waiting to explode and OD at any moment. A real Jekyll & Hyde team.

That's what happens when you ask seven ridiculous people, a homeless man and a cat to respond to my questions in a ridiculous manner.

Images taken from Google Images

2 comments:

Christoph "BachTalk" Schoenbeck said...

In what is becoming a ritual (considering this is the second time I'm doing it), I'd like to make a few comments about both my competitors and their thoughts.

1) Mike brings up a good point that the Ravens are almost unbeatable at M&T Bank. It's a damn shame the game will be played in Pittsburgh.

2) I'd just like to preface that I thought I was being sweet and original by taking the underdog Packers. However, The Packers were once so underrated that they are now, in fact, overrated. 5 out of 8 competitors selected the #6 seed on the road facing a 13-3 team...proving once again that we are all idiots.

3) Gamechanger's day sounds eerily similar to the plot of "Good Will Hunting"

4) I feel like it's our Jersey Shore duty to write Sam[mi] Sweatheart [Scoutelas] some sort of note detailing how her boyfriend is cheating on her. She'll get mad. It'll ruin our friendship, which will drive up the ratings of this blog, so in the end it will all be worth it. We'll all be able to buy endless amounts of Ed Hardy T-Shirts and aviators to wear out at clubs.

5) Eminem is a great rapper, but I feel like Aaron might have picked his worst two stanzas ever to represent his attitudes on life and competition. I know for fact that at least 6 of us in this competition don't have balconies, rendering your scary words meaningless.

BlogLikeMyJobBob said...

It's becoming at ritual for me to respond to your comments. So here goes.

I'm skipping to 2), because, well, that first comment was perfect.

2) There's actually 10 competitors in the league - 7 of which picked the Packers. Where's Tony Reali to fact-check when you need him?

3) Are you sure you saw "Good Will Hunting"?

4) If it's driving up ratings for this blog I'm all for it.

5) I can confirm that 8 of us don't have balconies.