Wednesday, January 19, 2011

AFC/NFC Championship Picks...

The stakes have changed this week. Since there are only two games, each correct pick counts as two points as opposed to one. It No one is out of the game just yet. Except for maybe JT. I think she can still qualify for the double stack though. If that's the case, one could argue she's positioned herself right where she wants to be in this competition.

This week, we're going to take you through the mind's of the world's greatest game-pickers, as they explain why the Bears, Packers, Jets or Steelers will be playing come Super Bowl Sunday. This should be interesting.


Being the first place contender, I thought I would be pumped, but I'm really just pissed since it's only for pride. I lied about liking the Lion King. I wish Rafeiki just dropped Simba at the beginning and ended it.

Jets 27 - Steelers 21

Reason: 95% bias, 5% Revis Island

Packers 31 - Bears 28

Reason: I literally just flipped a coin to choose this game. Don't tell anyone my secrets. Pride rock sucks is awesome (Editor’s correction).

The CEO:

Packers 16 - Bears 20

Why am I taking the Bears? Is it because I was such a huge fan of Laguna Beach in high school? Is it because my best friend is a life-long Bears fan? Is it because I truly believe they’re going to win this game?

The answer: Yes, yes and yes. Did I really love Laguna Beach? You’re damn right I did. Kristin, LC, Lo, Talan, "Steeee!vennn", and Trey were basically my Thursday night crew in high school. I watched that show every week. Is it because I loved the drama? Yes. Is it because there was something endearing about Lo? Weirdly, yes. Is it mostly because I loved Kristin and her propensity to tan pool-side in mini bikinis? Yes, yes and a thousand times yes. And ya know what? I bet Jay Cutler dug that too. He may not show emotion, drive, or a care in the world, but there’s no doubt in my mind, the man enjoyed Laguna Beach.

Cavallari has become to Cutler, what Kate Hudson was to A-Rod. Since her arrival, Cutler has been tearing it up. His interceptions have dropped, his TDs have risen, and he’s playing like the guy Mel Kiper gushed about coming out of Vanderbilt. Attractive girlfriends win guys sporting events. How do you think I won five intramural championships? A smokin’ hot, awesome girlfriend – that’s how.

Another reason I’m taking the Bears? My best friend, a life-long Bears fan, just spent $800 to fly to Chicago and freeze his ass off for four hours to see his Bears win the NFC Championship. He wouldn’t do that unless he believed Chicago could win this game. Nobody knows the Bears like this guy. He can name their offensive line. I didn’t even know the Bears had an offensive line. Cutler’s usually being ransacked before he finishes his five-step-drop. If Toph believes this team can win, then he’s made a believer out of me.

Further reasoning:

  • The Packers offense became unstoppable when they found their run game with Jason Starks.
  • The Bears will shut Starks down with one of the best rush defenses in the NFL.
  • Rodgers has never scored more than 21 points on the Bears.
  • In Week 17, in a must-win game for the Packers that lacked meaning for the Bears (at Green Bay), the Packers only beat them 10-3.
  • Chicago already beat Green Bay at home on national television.
  • The wind will be swirling.
  • Hester will keep the Bears in control of field possession.

I think Chicago grinds out an old school victory. According to history, the last time these two teams met in the playoffs? Dec. 14, 1951. The Bears won that game. They say history has a tendency to repeat itself.

Jets 16 - Steelers 24

Because they're not the Jets.

Also: Best rush defense versus a team that needs to run the ball effectively to stay in the game. Troy Polamalu is back. Heath Miller is back. Pittsburgh has been here before (two Super Bowl titles in the last five years). The Steelers have more offensive weapons. I respect what the Jets have done (with the exception of being huge d-bags). But I respect this Steelers team too much to pick against them. It’s just not a great match-up for the Jets. (You're welcome Rincon.)


Jets 13 - Steelers 24

Alright so this week I'm gonna keep it simple for ya. I talked to God last night on the phone, we catch up every once and while, and he told me to pick the Steelers, because they're gonna win 24-13. I also like the Steelers because of their player, Palmolive, because it sounds like the dish soap that smells really good. Obviously, I"m not going against God too.. so there's pick #1.

Packers 24 - Bears 21

As for pick #2, I've decided to go with the Packers winning 24-21 for various reasons. One, I really enjoy myself a slice of cheese. Two, I like the color yellow as shown by my Steelers & Packers picks. It's a very spring-y color. Lastly, Packers rhymes with stackers and naturally I'd love to win that double stack. Now, I hope Christoph is still reading this because I have something important to say. In a recent study scientists have found there is a correlation between who I pick, and the team that loses. It's basically a fact now, whoever I pick is going to lose. So do not fret young Christoph and do not fret America, the Bears will win because I picked the Packers. Really, I'm doing you all a favor. If you were smart this year you would've picked against me every week (as most of you did). If by some miracle the Packers win & I actually get one right then HAHAHAHA to you all. Just kidding, just kidding.. but seriously, the teams I picked this week are going to lose.

Charlie the Cat:

He's a cat. He has nothing to say here. Nor any score predictions.


Packers 27 - Bears 17

Bears may have kept the Packers offense to only 10 points in their last game against each other, but the way the Packers handled the Falcons was impressive. Also, Ive been picking the Pack all playoffs and they represent 2 of my 3 wins...why change whats been working for you? Jets suck.

Jets 10 - Steelers 17

Jets got lucky earlier in the season with a game-opening TD kick return by Brad Smith. I don't know if he will play or not, but if he doesnt that is a huge blow to their offense. Moreover, Troy Polamalu did not play that game and we all know the difference he can make when on the field.

Lastly, I expect this to be a low scoring dog fight. The Steelers are going to get pressure on Sanchez, something the Pats were not able to do, AND THEY CAN STOP THE RUN. I envision the Jets offense really struggling this week. Jets suck.


I didn't pick my picks... my picks picked me.

Jets 10 – Steelers 17

So I sat back and thought about the big picture... who would rather end up with me? The fight for me between Ben and Sanchez is simple, Mexican just ain't my style. I'm on the younger side, vulnerable at times, and low profile - perfect profile for Ben's prime pickin's.

Packers 21 – Bears 17

Cutler and Rodgers were just relentless though. Back and forth, back and forth. Cutler is so snuggly and sensitive. But Rodgers just kept throwin' cheese at me and well ... he knows how to get to a woman's heart. Those little yellow triangles of heaven just melted my heart and I knew, Rodgers was the way to go.

P.s. Bob, can I borrow your boom box?

(The Editor would like to add that Roethlisberger assaults young girls, Rodgers is a d-bag, and no you can't borrow my boom box because Erin is borrowing it.)

Homeless Bill:

I'm taking the Steelers, because being homeless, I have to "steal" the occasional food or blanket.

And I'm taking the Packers, because I went to high school with Aaron Rodgers. We kind of took different paths in life after that.


Packers 21 - Bears 24

Jets 20 - Steelers 27

The other day, I noticed one of Bob's "Can't Spell Liquor Without QU" bro's clamoring via a Facebook status fight for more in depth analysis/justification as to why he makes his football predictions. As a silent revolt to said unnamed friend, I have decided to take it upon myself to not write anything that even slightly resembles an intelligent, factual justification of my picks.

Anyone that knows anything about anything and anyone that knows two things about me: I LOVE the Bears and I HATE the Jets. I don't know what it is. Oh wait, yes I do. It's the fact that I grew up in New Jersey as a misplaced Bears fan, misguided 20 years ago by my father's ignorance. Growing up as a Bears fan in the NY area was hard enough. Watching kids my own age sport jerseys of easily one of the most boring players to ever play the game, double elbow pad wearing Curtis Martin, to now supporting the only Mexican in the NFL hurts me. There is only one Mexican athlete I will ever support and that is Eduardo Najera, based on the fact that he was my unbreakable computer password from 1999-2007. Couple these issues with the fact that emotional leader Fireman Ed is nationally ranked the 22nd biggest douche in the U.S. (sandwiched between Spencer Pratt and that pale dude from Twilight) and is solely responsible for the worst chant in sports, and you have to ask, what do you like about the Jets?

I hate Rex Ryan and his stomach stapling...and the fact that he's still retardedly fat. I could go on with things I hate about them for weeks, but let's just be clear on one thing, this is my lock of the playoffs. You DO NOT go into the big Ketchup bottle and beat the Steelers twice in under a month. Ben Roethlisberger sexually assualts multiple chicks in shorter periods of time. Sorry Jets fans. It's been a good run, but Troy Polamalu's back from his Head and Shoulders commercial shoot and he's ready to roll. Hope Sanchez is wearing head protection, perhaps an Under Armour skull cap, because the dude is about to get mindf***ed.

On the NFC side, this is a personal no brainer. I spent roughly half of my life savings, $1.26 million, to go to the Bears game this Sunday. So obviously you know who I'm going to pick. This will be my first trip to Soldier Field and will probably be my last if the Bears lose. Because I will literally contemplate letting a live bear rip my heart out as Wisconsin hicks happily cheer and simultaneously grow their hair to their buttocks to emulate their greasy state heroes. Either way, here's to Kid Cutty not making stupid decisions and Devin Hester returning kicks for touchdowns. When the Bears multimedia director plays "Soulja Boy" before punt returns, Hester houses it at least 57% of the time. As long as that statistic rings true, Aaron Rodgers can choke on a big D while the Bears head to Big D.

Super Bowl (Random Roman Numeral that I don't feel like Googling): The Chicago Bears vs The Pittsburgh Steelers


Packers 24 - Bears 17

I am convinced that Aaron Rodgers can do anything he wants on the football field. Scratch that, I think Rodgers can do anything he wants period. He is an absolute unstoppable force. A religion needs to be formed in his honor, and maybe I’m the one to do it. I think we learned last week (myself the hard way) that playing a division rival in the playoffs is always tough, and this will be no different. Green Bay is just better on both sides of the ball and nobody is playing as well as they are right now (Side note: I have picked GB to score 24 points in their first two playoff games and I’m scared to change things now because it’s definitely my predictions that have been fueling their victories).

Jets 17 - Steelers 20

To be 100% honest, I’m probably not going to watch this game at all. Most likely I’ll use that time to get drunk and then be all emotional about how the Pats aren’t playing in it. Or maybe watch a Kate Beckinsale flick if there’s one on. She’s a babe. Anyways, someone’s gotta get torched by Rodgers in the Super Bowl, right? These teams are pretty evenly matched, but Pittsburgh has the home field and Roethlisberger is deadly out of the pocket, so pressure won’t be as big an impact for the Jets.


Packers 17 - Bears 30

Jets 10 - Steelers 24

If the Super Bowl is any other matchup than this, then we let the terrorists win. Plain and simple, we have failed as a country if the Jets and Packers play each other in the Super Bowl. The world already hates American football, and I might as well if that is the matchup. Derka Derka, Muhammad Jihad.

Images taken from Google Images

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