Fantasy Football Diaries - Version 2.1

If you haven't read Part 1 yet (click here), you need to. Or else none of this will make sense to you.

Okay, here goes.

Rocking the Plaxico Burress jersey this year. Wasn't ready to bring that upon my team last season, but after a year I think it's safe to bring it back out. It symbolizes the punishment I didn't deserve when the curse was brought down upon my team three years ago when I took Bironas in the sixth. Let's hope this decision doesn't shoot me in the leg.

I thought about taking a running total of the number of times someone made a joke about me taking kickers in the sixth round, but I thought my computer might explode from overuse.

That's weird the drafts about to start and Smooth hasn't cursed anyone out ye.....

Smooth: Scott are you f***ing kidding me bro?! Get your legs off my f***ing box you ass****!

Ah, it feels like draft season again.

(Side note: One day I'd like to know why ass is street legal but ass**** makes it a curse word).

So people are a little disappointed in K Dub and PL. After all, K Dub was too hungover to be in attendance, and PL feared that spending two hours away from his girlfriend might be unhealthy for their relationship and that it was worth spending $20 to let the computer pick him the worst team ever.

Everyone agreed it was weak of Phil not to come.

Toph: My girlfriend was here this weekend and I made her leave.

Me: My girlfriend wanted to come today and I said no.

Scott (on the newly added microphone): I'm supposed to be at work right now........I didn't go.

MC grabs the mic: With the sixth pick in the draft, Bob Talbot selects...Rob Bironas.

Everyone laughs.

Guys I quit! I swear.

Okay, so as MC mentioned, this year I've got the sixth pick. A pick I claimed last year was one of the best. With the hour delay before the draft, I had a lot of time to think about what players would likely fall to me at #6. Okay so CJ, AP, MJD and Ray Rice are gone. Scott could either go Turner, Gore or Rodgers. That leaves me with a great opportunity to take Rodgers if he's still available or Andre Johnson if Rodgers goes at number 5. With Rodgers I would remain consistent in drafting the best fantasy QB each year, like I have in all previous years. See: Culpepper, McNabb, Brady, Manning, Brees, Rodgers. So I really hope it's Rodgers. QBs are the staple to my team.

If you remember, however, QBs are the staple to our league.

1) Chris Johnson

2) Adrian Peterson

3) Drew Brees

4) Peyton Manning

5) Aaron Rodgers

6) What the f just happened?

I'm not prepared for this at all. Yes, QBs go faster than the M&Ms in Rex Ryan's coaching office, but it's the 6th overall pick and any QB I thought about taking other than Matt Schaub is off the board. I'm not taking Matt Schaub sixth. How can I pass up on MJD or Ray Rice? Better yet, how do I even decide between the two? This wasn't supposed to happen.

Ray Rice. Two picks later, I already hate my team.

Round 2 - Phil autopicks Matt Schaub. Thanks again for coming Phil. Now I have to decide between Phillip Rivers and Tony Romo. I'm a Giants fan. I refuse to root for these guys. I guess I have to root for the biggest d-bag in football this season. Welcome to the team Phillip.

I really hate my team. It's bad when you hate your team before you get to the s*** players.

Moving on...

With the 4th pick in the 3rd round, Smooth Jota selects Dallas Clark?????????? Dallas f'n Clark. A tight end. In the third round?!

Wait a minute. Could this be! Could this be worse than taking Bironas in the sixth?! Am I officially off the hook?

The other guys: Nope, Bironas is still the worst. But this is damn near close.

ZR: J that's the stupidest pick I've ever seen.

Smooth: "[ZR you're going to be] last in the league I guarantee it and I'm gonna win".

ZR: [Something along the lines of no f'n chance, you just took Dallas Clark in the third round. You're an idiot].

Smooth: [Well ZR], "I'm doing what I don't usually do because what I've done the last five years doesn't work".

In a weird way that makes a lot of sense. By uttering that sentence Smooth, myself and I think most everyone else can actually respect your pick of Dallas Clark right there.

Toph: "I can respect that reasoning J. I'm the second worst every year and I'm still doing what I usually do".

This is why I still don't believe Toph will turn things around this year.

I really think there should be a 10 minute break or something after that Dallas Clark pick. I think we all need some time to let that one settle in. I guess I'm the only one not prepared for this matter though. The rest of the league was desensitized to these sort of things a few years ago, when I took kickers before running backs.

Okay, so with Dallas Clark off the board, I needed to take a wide receiver. Roddy White, you look like the best on the board.

Hating my team more now...

Round 4. Flashback to an hour before the draft:

Toph: I can't wait to see who picks Ryan Mathews prematurely, boasting about how awesome he's gonna be when they won't even know what college he played for.

Me (glancing at a picture of Mathews in the magazine Toph was holding and recognizing he's rocking a Fresno State jersey): Haha, yeah man I know you mean.

With the fifth pick in the fourth round, I take Mathews. Did you see how awesome he was in college?!? Me neither. But seriously, he's gonna be awesome. I mean come on, Yahoo! ranked him #8 in their preseason rankings. We know how accurate they are.

Round 5.

Scott: "I know my next pick and I hope nobody takes him". Thanks Scott.

So here's my thought process. Brett Favre is coming back. At the time, we didn't know this. But, I mean come on, we all knew this. So I want Sidney Rice. I look to see who might possibly take him before me, and I see Scott's the pick ahead of me this round. At this point, Scott has already drafted what seems to be his team from last year. So, by the looks of it, Rice is already gone. Pick #45: Sidney Rice. Damnit Scott! I really felt like I needed that one. Vernon Davis it is. He killed me last year. Might as well bring the dark side over to the light? side??

Quick Anecdote: Sidney Rice is out for half the season.

That's why you don't prepare for the draft! Sure, you feel disappointed when you don't get the pick you want, but it only makes you feel that much better when you realize you dodged a bullet later on. I'm sorry Scott.

In Round 6 I took Wes Welker. You never really wanna take a guy who's knee pretty much exploded the year before, especially when his doctor messed up the surgery the first go around. But hey, Wes gets 115 catches a year in his sleep. A rehabing Wes should be good for 80-95 right? Yeah, I'll keeping telling myself that.

Another highlight of Round 6. MC took Brandon Jacobs. Toph and I agreed MC would probably take Brandon Jacobs before the draft started. MC, he's a 260 lb. RB that can't convert on 3rd and 1 anymore, and loves trying to run to the outside. We'll see how that one plays out for you.

Round 7 I take the Vikings defense, followed by Braylon Edwards in Round 8.

Hating my team more and more...

(Do we see a trend here?)

After a quick bathroom break I come back down to hear Smooth saying, "Ya, I got a feeling about him" - referring to CJ Spiller.

Me: "What round is it guys? Still Round 8? And Smooth took CJ Spiller? Ooooookay."

Seriously guys? How am I still mocked for Bironas with these ridiculous picks occurring all the time? Was it really that bad?

While we're on the subject of Smooth, I forgot to mention. Smooth's computer monitor was so big you could literally see his pick queue from anywhere in the room. Not that seeing CJ Spiller wouldn't be available would have saved me any trouble with my next pick, but it would've been entertaining to watch. I wish I watched Smooth queue his players the whole time. That could've made for a great article.

To get an idea of how bad my draft was going I took Clinton Portis, Terrell Owens and Chad Henne with my next three picks. I could justify my reasoning, but I'm not gonna.

Hating my team more now.

Probably not as much as Phil though. Someone points out that for some reason, ESPN has just been autopicking Phil running backs the whole time. In rounds 9-14, ESPN autopicked four running backs for Phil. The guy had seven running backs when it was all said and done. Nothing like five of the six bench spots being phil-ed (ya see what I did there?) by running backs for good measure. You never know how many could go down to injuries or unruly fans. At least Phil has one backup wide receiver. That could be very useful when the bye weeks roll around.

In Round 12, I take Garrett Hartley as my kicker. I waited til Round 12 guys, alright? I really wanted Hartley. He's off drugs (I think) and he was so clutch in the playoffs (NFC Championship game-winning kick included). It would have been a risk to leave him out there. I'm getting better at this guys.

Smooth takes Ladainian Tomlinson. No surprise for the Jets fan. This spawns an argument in which ZR makes fun of Smooth, Smooth retaliates, which causes ZR to lay down the hammer:

"Congratulations on gonna be last place again J!" Ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh! The war room uproars at the sweet burn. Then laughs at ZR for his lame comment. In ZR's defense. He had a lot on his mind. Examining an excel spreadsheet with players divided into five tiers with an alternate sixth can be quite strenuous on the brain. Come on guys, give him a break!

G Com had the best response to ZR's comment: "Ya, behind the guy that has seven running backs".

To close out the draft I took Bernard Berrian (we're gonna try this one more time as my sleeper WR), Arian Foster (Texan running backs were bad to me last year, but again, I'm all about second chances this year), and Golden Tate (I really don't have a clue why).

Yeah, I hate my team.

After the draft, MC suggested when I upload the teams to Yahoo!, I should just give him Tony Romo instead of Eli (since Eli's bye week is the same as his starter's). Don't see this as a sign of doubt for MC though. Because as he proclaimed at the end of the draft, "I'm currently tied for first, so snack on these nuts!"

We spent 10-15 minutes afterwards reviewing the draft at our leisure.

G Com referring to Smooth's team: "I could not be less intimidated by anyone on this team". We all laughed and agreed. Well Smooth, I respect the thought process behind your new draft strategy, but let's think the new one through a little more next time.

So to summarize the longest article in the history of articles not written by Bill Simmons. We draft quarterbacks, PL drafts running backs, we don't trade, Smooth drafted Dallas Clark in the third round, Scott doesn't like cabs anymore, K Dub forgot he won last year, PL loves running backs, I hate my team, and PL loves running backs.

But none of this really matters, because there's just going to be a lockout anyway.

Until next year...

Images taken from Google Images

Fantasy Football Diaries - Version 2.0

As summer rapidly comes to a close, and we all start to think about our upcoming return to school in the next few weeks. Oh s***, I just graduated. Well, this sucks. I haven't even started my article and I've already depressed 85% of my readers. Myself included. But I guess that speaks volumes for the importance of this article. That's right, just when things are reaching their bleakest point. When we all realize that we either don't have jobs or that we have a job that will enslave us for the next 65 years of our lives, one saving grace presents itself. The one thing guys have to live for in the late August to early February grind in their lives. That's right folks. It's draft season again!

Now that I have a true job, Loverboy's hit single "Working for the Weekend" suddenly makes sense to me. Their attire in this music video never will. But the lyrics? Yeah, they make sense.

If Loverboy wrote that song today, I think they'd be even more passionate about working for the weekends, because the weekend feels that much more valuable with fantasy football. Let's face it. Does any guy in a fantasy football league care about anything else from August to February? I knew a kid that once offered Donovan McNabb, Terry Porter and his cousin's virginity for Ladainian Tomlinson in his prime. That last sentence was a complete lie, but if you've ever played fantasy football before, you believed it for a second, right???

So let me re-introduce you to the greatest fantasy football league I've ever come to know.

Trung Candidate's Weekend BBQ still features 10 fantasy managers that make up the stereotypical, yet ideal fantasy league. Last year's article inspired the managers to go that extra mile to create a new reputation for their squad and management capabilities. So first, let's examine the things that changed and the things that stayed the same about last year's crew.

The Chronic Saint (Pat) -

After much deliberation we decided to give I'm Vinne Massuci (Vinnie Massuci) the cut. It wasn't because we didn't respect his management or his unique style. It all came down to the fact that we didn't respect his management or his unique style. No but in all reality, he lives in Colorado. The distance was too much. They say long distance relationships can work, but not this one. The postage fees for the trophy and the newly added monetary prize were too much to keep the former Rookie of the Year in the league. So we welcome Pat. There's not much we know about Pat's fantasy football skills. From the draft, I picked up a few things. For one, Pat's in another league that's entry fee is worth half of our total prize pool. I wonder if he'll care more about that league or this one. I know what you're thinking. That one. But you obviously don't understand the magnitude of the pride we play for. I just can't measure the pride. Sure, last year's winner had to ask, in all seriousness, who won last year, but that doesn't do our pride justice. Our pride seeps through our computer screens. But ya, back to Pat. The other thing I picked up from the draft was that Pat must really like the Packers. He drafted Greg Jennings, Jermichael Finley and Green Bay's defense within the course of 5 picks. He was also really pissed he didn't snag Aaron Rodgers and rumor has it, at multiple times, he attempted to draft Ahman Green, Mike McCarthy, Mike Holmgren, Dorsey Levens and Antonio Freeman. I think taking Brett Favre in the 14th was a ploy to remember the good ole' days when Favre wore the green and gold.

KDUBS ALL STARS (K Dub)

K Dub became the 4th member of the crew to win a title, etching his name into the record books alongside the likes of Talbot (hold your applause), MC and ZR. Like I said before, it took him less than six months to forget he won the title, but trust me, the kid is passionate about the league. It's easy to forget things your passionate about. K Dub is one of those guys that obviously wasn't satisfied with my comments in last year's article: K Dubs crew is good for a solid 5th-7th finish every year. He always finishes around .500 (sometimes just above, sometimes just below), and he always sneaks into the playoffs. A team that deserves respect. He went out and made a name for himself with a championship in response to my comments. This year he's at a disadvantage, seeing as no team has ever repeated as champion in our league. I'd say that drops his Vegas odds down at 40-1 to capture the title again this year. Let's see if he proves me wrong and starts a dynasty.

Grenade Free America (PL)

PL, most notably known for his often offensive team names looks like a new man this year. Some would say four years at college changed him. He realized it's time to lock away his controversial, at times racy team names and move on. Others would say he's just a big fan of the Jersey Shore. Yet his true friends know he's a changed man for one reason and one reason only: he recently wifed up with a new girlfriend. Translation: we don't see Phil anymore. That goes for during the draft as well. He's still in the 6-month-we can't stay a moment apart phase of his relationship. Which is all good and fun. Us seasoned relationship-ers have all been there. There's nothing bad about it. But it sure can piss the friends off. And Phil, we were pissed you didn't come to the draft. Until we saw the team ESPN autopicked for you. We'll get to that later. I think next year Phil will be at the draft.

GoldenTatesMapleBars (Toph)

Last year I talked about how Toph knew just as much about football as any other guy, and that he should seemingly be a contender to win every year. But he never is. I thought last year was gonna be his year. After a horrible start, he sneaked into the playoffs, only to immediately be ousted. Sixth place. This may have been an improvement for Toph, but it certainly wasn't the kind of improvement Toph had in mind. This year, regardless of how good Toph's team looks on paper, I'm just gonna go ahead and assume his title drought will continue. It's the safe bet.

CarolinaSexPanthers (G Com)

Another year, another title-less season for G Com. Yet I still fear him more than any other player in the league. Maybe it's the fantasy football magazines he brings to the draft. Maybe it's his ability to consistently draft teams that put up numbers (there wasn't a team within 100 points of him last season). Maybe it's the confidence he exudes on draft day and throughout the season. Maybe it's the fact he didn't have functional shoulders a few years ago, and could still out-bench me by a sizable amount. Regardless, I fear the CarolinaSexPanthers much like the rest of the NBA fears the deer.

Multiple Scoregasms (Scott)

We could go on and on about Scott's fantasy tendencies. But I think it would be more beneficial to discuss a recent Friday night he had in New York City.

Okay, so here's the setting. Picture the scummiest hotel you've ever seen in your life. Now think scummier. Think, hotel room people are likely to bring prostitutes or commit homicides. Alright now cut that room in half by rolling in a metal cot fit for one, that we made sleep two. Now imagine a bathroom that looks five-star in comparison to the room - complete with one bath towel (in a room we booked for three people), a floor mat that would double as a bath towel, two hand towels that would double as bath towels, two bars of soap (don't bother asking for the shampoo cause we don't got it), a nice TV with what appears to be a dildo resting on top, and you've got our hotel room. Throw in nine guys and a few bottles of alcohol and you've got a pregame for the ages. None of this was relevant, but people needed to know where we stayed that night.

So we ICEd Nunes because we always ICE Nunes and we enjoy watching it take him 20 minutes to chug a Smirnoff, which always inevitably leads to him throwing up afterwards. That empty Smirnoff Ice bottle became Scott's obligatory "Solo cup" for the night. On countless occasions I watched him fill the bottle halfway with vodka, and top it off with a little cranberry juice. The drink looked pretty lethal to me. But I hardly thought anything of it because I was too busy pounding Natty's with my bros. (That's bro talk for casually drinking Natural Light with my friends).

Flash forward to the cab ride to Turtle Bay. As Toph, MC, Rone and I are repeatedly saying "Might I make suggestion for you? I would party at Turtle Bay" in the voice of Mr. Duncan in Home Alone 2, Scott is riding up front with our cab driver. I hear Scott mumble, "I don't know where the f*** we are". Then the cab pulls over, Scott hands the cab driver some money, probably $100 for the $7 fare the way Scott was spending money that night. As everyone exits the vehicle this exchange ensues:

Me: Hey wait a minute is this Turtle Bay?

(No Response)

Me: Did you drop us off at Turtle Bay?

Cab Driver: (shoulder shrug)

Me: Scott did you tell the cab to drop us off here?

Scott: Yeah.

Me: Why?

Scott: Cause I don't know where the f*** we are.

Me: But the f***in' cab driver knows where we are. He was taking us to where we need to go!

Scott: Alright, well get another cab.

To save ourselves the embarrassment of departing a cab only to immediately call for another cab five seconds later on the same street corner, we walked the rest of the way. We reached Turtle Bay, where we were forced to wait in a ten minute line - pretty standard for a club in NYC. Scott refused to wait. He went to an ATM, swiped every card in his wallet - I'm talking ID, golf card, library card, hotel room keys, Don Mattingly Topps '95 baseball card - pretty much every card that wasn't his debit card, until a stranger eventually let him in. He came back to the line with $40, and demanded we each give him $20 to pay off the bouncer so we could bypass the line of six people in front of us. When we declined, insisting that giving the bouncer $120 to skip this line was stupid he said, "F*** you guys" and went and offered the bouncer $40, who for some reason turned him down. He came back and tried to give us back his $40, because he had already forgotten it was his money. So Scott was f'd up.

F'd up enough to leave the club on his own and hop on a train. A train he took to the last stop. All the way in Babylon, Long Island. For those of you that don't know Scott. He lives in NJ. Scott can now tell you that a cab ride from Babylon, Long Island to his hometown in NJ is $165. Lesson to be learned: Don't black out on your way to NY Penn Station. Especially when it also doubles as the Long Island Rail Road.

So yeah, I generally don't fear Scott's fantasy teams.

NJ Jimmy's (Smooth Jota)

Last year I was kind of hard on Smooth, dubbing him the worst manager in the league. I predicted an 0-13 season for the guy. I know, I know it was harsh. But he did celebrate drafting Jamal Lewis and Michael Vick consecutively on a turn. He set himself up for that. Smooth had the last laugh, finishing 5-8 last season. This year, I respect Smooth's strategy. I'll save that for later though.

Vick's Pit Bulls (ZR, Zermanatrix, Zerm Germ, Ruby Tuesday's, the self-proclaimed "Movie Maven, you get the idea)

He's the Miami Heat of our league. The team everybody loves to hate. Last year ZR brought a print-out of the Yahoo! Sports player list with hand-written notes on it. This year, ZR caught up to the technological age and made an Excel spreadsheet. It had tiers and everything. I believe there were five tiers in all with an alternate sixth. He highlighted sleepers, must-haves, risks, and so forth. It looks like he put a lot of time into his pre-draft preparation. Me on the other hand? I chose to do 1 1/2 mock drafts. But I'm taking down Zerm Germ anyway. ZR is highly critical of other people's picks, he loves offering analyses of his reasoning behind picks, and we love listening to him put down the likes of Scott and Smooth Jota. Don't mess with the bull though, cause he'll bring the horns.

AllDayZ ft. Kid Cutler (MC)

I'm starting to get the feeling MC cares more about coming up with creative fantasy nicknames than the game of fantasy football itself. Come to think about it, I think he enjoys drafting more than he enjoys playing out the season and seeing just how effective his drafting skills were. But even with all those mocks, Mike still can't pick an exciting team. This year, Mike's looking to change his bad rep for picking boring teams with the addition of Dwayne Bowe, Ryan Grant, Jay Cutler, Zach Miller, Eli Manning, Julian Edelman, Mohammed Massaquoi and Brandon Jacobs. Good luck with that MC.

Cry Me a Rivers (Me)

It's okay, you can make fun of my team name all you want, because I think it's lame too. I like to think it translates to the fact that I hate my quarterback, Phillip Rivers, the league's number one d-bag, so much that it makes me want to cry and the season hasn't even started. So what's new with me? Well, I'm officially two years sober from drafting kickers in the first six rounds. One day I will justify taking Bironas. One day! Anyways, I drafted a team of guys I love to hate. But they're good players. This way, when they put up big numbers this season, I won't hate them as much. Although don't get me wrong. I will still hate Phillip Rivers. It's been way too long since my last title. I'm ready for my third.

And so it begins...

No wait, Pat didn't sign up in time, so we had to delay the draft an hour and a half, make the picks on espn.com, and I transferred them over back to Yahoo. The hour and a half you just wasted reading my novel of an introduction was a metaphor to the time we spent sitting around, half-heartedly mock drafting, as we listened to Smooth Jota on the ones and twos prior to our delayed draft start.

Click here for Part 2, the conclusion of Fantasy Football Diaries - Version 2.0

Returning the Favor...

ESPN - West Virginia University says men's basketball coach Bob Huggins has been released from a Las Vegas hospital.

The university says Huggins was released Wednesday. He had been hospitalized since breaking seven ribs in a fall in his hotel room on Friday while in Nevada on a recruiting trip.

Although it was never disclosed, I'm led to believe Deshaun Butler arrived on the scene during the incident, aiding Huggins much like he had for Butler earlier this year in the NCAA Tournament (as seen below - Fast forward to 1:09).

The coach left no comment on Butler's assistance, but I think it's quite obvious the exchange was emotional and creepily sexual.

The Dumbest Rule in Sports...

Link to the video: http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=5408139

In the 2010 Border Battle between Canada and America!, North America saw firsthand how the winning team can lose a game. No, I'm not talking about the scenario where said "underdog" plays valiantly in an oh-so-close losing effort where in spirit they feel like they won. Or a situation where a team loses on a last second, game-deciding blown call where they can walk away from the court or field saying, "We won that game and everybody knows it". Nope, I'm talking about scoring more runs than the other team, and still walking away without the "W".

Old-man softball is the majors of sport for middle-aged men. Golf is a sport men can find their prime at a later age, but it doesn't offer the competitive gusto softball can for these guys. Old-man softball, beer-league softball, whatever you wanna call it, is where it's at. It's a great game. A game I hope to be apart of at some point down the line. Hopefully way, way down the line. After I'm discovered by the Miami Heat, and fulfill my sport prophecy for the "Greatest Show on hardwood" (other than a young Pamela Anderson).

[I'd really help the cap situation Riley. Seriously, Dwyane Wade makes my yearly salary in a minute and 10 seconds. A minute and 10 seconds! I'll take $95 a game. That's a raise for me. Wade makes that in under a minute and a half. We can make this work. I'll stand in the corner. I'll hack-a-Dwight Howard. This can work! But, alas.]

As I was saying, the 2010 Border Battle was such a fun game to watch, until it didn't make sense anymore.

Canada took an 11-0 lead in the first inning, before a leaping catch at the wall ended their rally, or standard men's softball inning. I don't know how long it took Team USA to battle back, but they battled back. In 6 & 1/2 innings of softball, Canada found themselves clinging to a 30-29 lead with runners on first and third, nobody out, for Team USA. In a 30-29 game you're starting to think this is an impossible jam for a pitcher wearing a ridiculous mask tossing up slow-floaters down the heart of the plate to work his way out of. Until the rulebook drops this piece of knowledge on you. "Hey Team USA, you've reached your limit for home-runs this game (10 - which includes the mammoth 400+ foot bomb over the scoreboard Rusty Bumgardner, a.k.a one of the scariest men alive, hit in the 2nd), and from now on, every home-run you hit is an out". I'm sorry, what? A walk-off home-run in a game that's featured 59 back-and-forth runs is an out now? Who made this rule book, the ref from the U.S.A-Slovenia World Cup game? Why does everyone hate America? We get it. Stop screwing us over in sports!

So upon hearing this, the group of meatheads, juicers, Americans conjured up a winning strategy. They were gonna go down swinging for the fences. And no rule was going to stop them. Ya know why? Cause chicks dig the long ball. Don't believe me? Ask Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux. The first dude literally tries to hit a home run. The second guy, Scott Brown, must be the second strongest man alive (behind Bumgardner), because it looks like he made the effort to hit a looper into center, and still drilled it out over the centerfield wall. With two outs and runners still on first and third, Ryan Robinson shows just how difficult it is to try not to hit a home-run in men's softball, as he weakly grounds out to the pitcher.

So there ya have it. Team USA rallies for two game-losing, walk-off three-run homer outs in the bottom of the last inning to fall to Team Canada 30-29 in one of the most mind-boggling losses of all-time.

This is why we don't let a bunch of drunken, middle-aged men make the rules to a sport.

Image taken from Google Images

After Two Weeks, I'm Ready To Address "The Decision"...

The most anticipated show this summer won't be the season premiere of Ochocinco: The Perfect Catch or the season finale of The Bachelorette. It won't even be the season finale of Entourage. This summer's biggest prime time hit was "The Decision", starring Lebron James, Jim Gray and a backdrop of kids from the Boys and Girls Club of America. The one-hour special raked in more viewers than the MLB All-Star game.

I spent days anticipating this one-hour special. I dissected Lebron's ensuing decision with coworkers, anxiously followed Chris Broussard's ESPN updates, and sifted through articles daily, breaking down the reason Lebron would go here or there. Everyday I felt Lebron was going somewhere else. When I wrote this article, it was Cleveland. Days later, it was Chicago. Then, for one sweet, splendid day, I thought the Knicks had him. We got Amar'e. The Bulls didn't have Boozer. I didn't think he wanted to share the spotlight with Wade. And there was no sense in going to Cleveland with little hope to win a championship. Oh, and for the sake of respecting Nets fans, I had a feeling he wasn't going there either. That day was a Tuesday.

Then Wednesday happened.

In a last ditch effort to sway James, or so I thought, Wade and Bosh declared they would be signing with Miami and Carlos Boozer agreed to sign with the Bulls. When Wade and Bosh signed with Miami I convinced myself the Knicks were still the favorite. Lebron didn't want to share the spotlight, right? What basketball prodigy would? Certainly not Jordan. The Bulls had a solid core with Rose, Noah and Deng. But there was greater upside with New York in the long run. James could be the hero of the biggest city in America.

When Boozer signed with the Bulls later that night, all my hopes washed away. I had completely taken him out of the picture. If it wasn't Cleveland, the Bulls were the hot ticket.

But as I brushed my teeth that night, mulling over the next day's decision, it sort of hit me. Lebron was going to sign with the Heat. In a weird way, it just kind of made sense to me. Suddenly, the nationwide tour of interviews felt more like an attempt to throw us off the scent of the mystery we spent much of the summer trying to solve - Where Lebron would go? I finished brushing my teeth, walked into the next room, and told my two friends. Mike D'Antoni got the same feeling the night before. Maybe all Knicks' fans did.

As I analyze the decision, it's hard to fathom why Lebron would cop out like this. I guess he didn't even want the game to be a contest anymore. He was getting that title, even if he had to back-stab a city that stood behind him for 25 years to do so. Even if he had to ask for help to do so.

Thursday, July 8, 2010:

I woke up at 6am, living the life, ready to get my 8:30-5:30pm grind on. I went through my normal morning ritual - take the bed sheets off the futon I'm crashing on, put away the extra mattress, turn the futon into a couch, make a bowl of cereal, turn on ESPN - when right before my eyes I see: Breaking News: Sources say Lebron James is expected to sign with the Heat. I didn't curse (my roommate did). Instead, I sat there feeling much like I had the last ten years as a Knicks fan - not surprised, disappointed, pissed and heartbroken all at the same time.

When "The Decision" rolled around I kept an ounce of false hope for the Knicks, but I knew an ultimately grim decision was only a moment away. Which turned out to be 26 minutes. The 9pm special that advertised a decision within the first ten minutes, didn't even feature Lebron until 20 minutes in. It was the most drawn out hour of television I have ever seen. No one sums it up better than Steve Carell and Paul Rudd right here:

"I'm gonna take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat" sealed the deal. They were the words I never wanted to the hear, but the words I couldn't help but feel were coming all along. For one day there was hope Lebron would be a Knick, but the next 5 years will show otherwise.

So here are my feelings on the decision.

1) You can't fault Lebron for choosing to leave Cleveland - He gave it all he had...kinda, sorta. Could he have eventually won in that city? Yes. Would it have been more gratifying? Yes. Could it have taken a long time or possibly never happened? Yes. The businessman in James saw an opportunity. No one ever imagined two superstars and an ideal #2 could all sign on the same team in the same free agency period. The formula: Right Click on your roster. Scroll up to Delete. Click the Mouse. The Heat had four players when they signed Lebron. And they had to trade Michael Beasley away for a draft pick when they added Lebron the next day. They still had four players. And ya know what? It just might work. James saw the opportunity to win not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 titles, as he put it, and he took it. Will they win 7? Maybe. Is there a whole lot of pressure on them to do so? Yes. Could Lebron's decision bring titles and a lot of money towards him and his good friends? Most likely. Okay, I get it Lebron. But...

2) You can fault Lebron for the way he chose to leave Cleveland. A one-hour special titled, "The Decision". How are you gonna do that and not pick Cleveland? How are you gonna stab an entire city of people that adore you in the back on national television? How? That's just too cruel.

3) Lebron's decision can go one of two ways: 1) Swimmingly, and as expected or 2) Painfully and in-reputably. Okay I made up that last word, but I was looking for a word that says this decision could severely damage his reputation and legacy as a basketball player. Looking at the first direction, there's a very good chance Lebron will look back on the next five years and say, "Hey, that was a lot of fun. These four rings look awfully nice on my hand. Extension? I think so". But there's also the looming possibility that Lebron's decision could backfire on him. I don't expect Dan Gilbert's ambitious prediction that the Cavs will bring home a title before the Heat to come to fruition (that's the absolute backfire), but I can see next June's headlines now: "Bulls show James why he should've picked Chicago", "Undersized Cavs no match for Howard and Magic", "Celtics still have Lebron's number", "Lebron brings more firepower, but still no match for Kobe" "Gilbert talked the talk, and now he's (in all CAPS) WALKING THE WALK!". Just kidding about that last one, but you can catch my drift. The Heat are not infallible. Until recently, they still had four players. And very little money to work with (Imagine if the salary cap wasn't $2 million higher than anticipated?)

That's how I feel about "The Decision". Others, like Dan LeBatard, feel this way:

(Fast Forward to 1:01)

Dan LeBatard may be a crazy man, but his obnoxious, somewhat vulgar comments are both hilarious and true in this video. His sports knowledge and etiquette aren't anything to write home about, but as he's shown on PTI and in this video, he's very good at yelling random thoughts.

Allow me to make a few comments on this rejoice-ment.

1) "Run the point night! One lucky fan gets to run the point...every night for the Heat!" The Heat might actually have to consider this. They have four players and they're barely under the cap. How comical/entertaining would it be if the Heat actually did this? If there's any team that could get away with trying that, it would be this team. Lebron treated every warm-up session as a joke; a stage to please and delight crowds; a chance to be a true showman. Why not carry that over to the actual game itself? Then maybe in the playoffs, when they're still potentially the 1-seed, they can sign a veteran PG or something. Maybe the Heat could take a page out of Jackie Moon's book and perform halftime shows as well. What do they need to do in the locker room anyway? Coach X (does anyone even know who the coach of the Heat is? Anybody? He's making a run at Phil Jackson's title record with Miami Thrice and nobody knows. Come on people!). Well anyway, Coach X probably wouldn't have much to say other than: "Okay guys, let's try to work the ball to Lebron, Dwyane & maybe Chris a little bit more. And, uh, run the point for a night fan guy, why don't you just stand in the corner." A halftime show would really do more for the overall game experience. Lebron does care more about putting on a show than winning. We already established that, right? Why else would he quit on Cleveland in the playoffs, then organize a one hour special to announce something that takes 10 seconds, even though it was an astronomical insult and back-stab to the people that adore him?

2) "He's the best player in the world. But he might not be the best player on this team!" I think this team actually does more for Bosh and Wade than it does Lebron. First of all, Bosh was the star of Toronto. Not much to say for that. He wasn't good enough to be a team's #1 guy. Now he thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, and he's ready to ride Wade and James to a couple titles. Did anyone enjoy this free agency more than Bosh? I thought it was impossible for anyone to enjoy this free agency more than Lebron, but Bosh proved me wrong. Then there's Wade. This is his team. He's already won a title. He's got nothing to prove. He dominated the Olympics off the bench. If I were building a team around someone, I might pick him over Lebron. I know, I'm crazy. But think about it. He does everything. He's unselfish, clutch, plays harder than anyone in the league, he's smart, and he can shoot, pass, drive and defend. I hope Lebron is ready to share the spotlight. Cause Wade has a pretty big spotlight.

3) "New York, welcome to another decade of irrelevance." F---.

4) "Cleveland's owner is a crazy person!" That speaks for itself.

5) "Our [Miami's] half-full sports bar exploded in joy! / Did you see the way it erupted?! Seven people wearing Heat jerseys!" Welcome to the basketball city of America Lebron! Oh no wait. You didn't pick New York, Boston, LA or Chicago. Seven Heat jerseys! Seven! In a half-full sports bar! You picked the city that cares the least! At least the Gulf coast isn't flooded more and more each day with oil!

6) "Chris Bosh, you're the third best player on this team!" Don't forget that Chris! The more you think and act like you're a superstar, the more I start to hate you. To quote Bill Simmons: "He's never played in a Sweet 16, a Game 7 or even round 2 of the NBA playoffs".

Is LeBatard right, though? Do we have a dynasty in the making? The answer: maybe. It all depends. Can these three guys win with nine minimum salary guys? No. The Big 3 in Boston needed Rondo, Perkins, Poe, Posey and House. Jordan, Pippen and Rodman needed Kukoc, Kerr, Harper and Paxson. Every championship team needs key role players that step up when it matters. If Fisher didn't save Bryant this year, the Celtics take home that title. If "Big Shot" Bob Horry didn't hit his fair share of big shots, the Lakers and Spurs don't win those titles. The Heat need quality veterans to take a pay cut in order for them to win the title. And it looks like they might do just that. Udonis Haslem stuck around, and remained loyal to the organization. Mike Miller recently signed. Derek Fisher thought about doing the same. And why wouldn't they? If they don't, they may have to wait five years to win a title, because others took the cut and made the Heat unbeatable. Where is the fun in losing for five years? With Miller, the Heat filled a shooting void. James and Wade are streaky, but the truth is, their outside game is hardly anything to brag about. They need a Kerr, Horry, Hornacek, Elliot, Posey-type figure to knock down open shots. Lebron didn't have that in Cleveland. In the playoffs, Williams and West disappeared. They knocked down open looks in the regular season, but didn't have the guts to knock them down in the playoffs. We'll see if Mike Miller does. Now the Heat need a big man. Bosh is no match for Howard. He's a power forward. They need a center. I thought Shaq was a horrible fit for Cleveland coming in, and he was. But he might work nicely in Miami. Just a thought. Only time will tell if the Heat can get the necessary components to accompany the Big Three en route to a title.

My only hope is that the Knicks continue to build the team that can challenge the Heat. Amar'e was a step in the right direction. I love the acquisition of Felton. I only hope Carmelo can turn down the lucrative deal Denver offers him to stay, and that he'll return to his place of birth as a Knick next season. A sign-and-trade for Chris Paul would be immaculate as well, now that New York has someone to offer in Felton. Rumor has it, Paul said he wanted to assemble his own team with Melo and Amar'e in New York. The thoughts of a renewed Eastern Conference rivalry between the Heat and the Knicks give me the chills. It would be like my childhood as a Knicks fan all over again. Can you imagine Conference Final battles between the Heat and Knicks and the Lakers and Thunder each year? That's exciting basketball. I want that feeling.

But once again, as a Knicks fan, I'm only left with hope.

Maybe next year will be the year.

Image taken from bing.com

The Decision...

The big moment is almost upon us. In less than 24 hours, Lebron's' secret will be out. Cleveland, Chicago, Miami or New York. Take your pick. At this point, it's almost impossible to tell where LBJ will go. But it's easy to guess where 90% of the American male population will be at 9:00pm eastern tomorrow night - glued to a television set, waiting to here the decision that will change the NBA for years to come.

As I've made it apparently obvious over the tenure of this blog, I'm a Knicks fan - as painful as it is to say at times. But this afternoon I felt a sensation of hope. I wanted Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to sign with Chicago. They didn't. If they had signed with Chicago, the quest for Lebron would've been a two-team race between the Knicks and the Cavs. I think he would've had to make the move to New York. The Cavs already couldn't get past the Celtics and the Magic, and if Chicago had Wade and Bosh, there was no chance Lebron would see a championship anytime soon. When Wade and Bosh signed with Miami, I convinced myself this was still a good thing for the Knicks. Sure the Bulls' roster was a little bit better than the Knicks current roster, but I didn't think it would be championship caliber with Lebron. His best bet would have seemingly been to go to New York, get the ball rolling the right way, and wait for a combination of Anthony, Paul and Parker that would restore basketball in New York and start a new dynasty in the NBA.

Then the Bulls signed Carlos Boozer. For some reason I completely forgot about Boozer, even though I correctly predicted six days ago that the Bulls would sign him. Now it appears the tables have turned. Right now, the chic pick would be for James to go the Bulls. Noah, Boozer, Deng, Rose, and James sounds scary good. In fact, it sounds better than James, Wade and Bosh in my opinion. It's a lot better than Lee, Stoudemire, Gallinari, James and Walker (Bill, since you've probably never heard of him) or Rodriguez (Sergio, same reasoning).

Or there's Miami. Today the ESPN BottomLine read, "Miami's roster: Mario Chalmers (PG), Michael Beasley (PF)". That's literally their entire roster. We know they'll at least have four players going into next season. If they sign Lebron (losing Beasley in the process), the four-man Heat would look poised for a title - Bosh, Wade, Chalmers & James. Seriously, they'd be poised for a title with a four-man roster. Throw in 8 league-minimum guys and they can only get better...I think. They'd be better with 8 of the worst players in the NBA right?? They'd be able to play at full strength. It makes sense. Right???

Then there's Cleveland. Where Lebron's loyalty has lied for the last 25 years. He set out to be the hometown hero from the start, but the pieces around him always held him back. He looked distant in the playoffs this season, and it almost seemed like he had already left. But the Cavs fired their GM, hired a coach to Lebron's liking, and are begging him to stay.

I could see Lebron going either way. Nothing would surprise me. Actually, correction, him going to the Knicks would surprise me. Because that would just be too perfect.

What do the Knicks have to offer? The biggest market in sport. A concrete jungle where dreams are made of. The Yankees, his favorite team. Jay-Z, his celebrity man-crush. A bright future with Stoudemire. Hopefully a strong combination of Anthony, Paul or Parker in 2011. Titles. And a fan base that's ready to jump on the bandwagon again.

Lebron. Boozer is aging, the critics will always say Jordan only needed Pippen (not Wade and Bosh), the Cavs won't bring you the titles you're playing for, and the Nets are playing in Newark for the next two years. And I've been to their games. Not a great atmosphere.

Come to New York. It's worth it.

So here are my plans for tomorrow:

1) Intern

2) Try to join the Boys & Girls Club of America in Norwich, CT so I can attend Lebron's "The Decision" conference

3) Buy a 12-pack

4) Cook my specialty - BBQ Chicken

5) Celebrate Lebron's decision to come to New York or drink my sorrow's away when he picks Cleveland, Chicago or Miami

But hey, if he doesn't pick New York, we should be okay.

Because according to Amar'e:

"The Knicks are back!"

Image taken from espn.com

We Are All Witnesses Lebron...

Two years ago, Lebron James told me and the rest of the world to get excited for July 1, 2010. He said it was going to be a big day. He lied. Unless of course Darko Milicic signing with Timberwolves, Drew Gooden signing with...(umm, line?)...the Bucks (wow, that took way to long to find the answer to that), and Rudy Gay signing with the Grizzlies is exciting to you. For me, that doesn't quite do it. As the clock winds down today, it looks like we're going to have to embark on the NBA's mini-version of the "What will Brett Favre decide?" game. I'm gonna call it, get this, the "What will the top NBA free agents decide game?".

What? Everybody else gets to do it.

I'm gonna put Lebron James last in a poor effort to keep you all reading until the end. So, here goes:

It would be much easier to pick like this. In fact I have a better chance of being right if I do, but I'll give my own knowledge a chance this time around.

13. Drew Gooden - Milwaukee Bucks

12. Darko Milicic - Minnesota Timberwolves

11. Rudy Gay - Memphis Grizzlies

3-for-3 and I'm just getting started.

10. David Lee - New York Knicks

There's only one reason this would happen. The Knicks failed to acquire Lebron James or any power forward. So I've already partially spoiled my choice for Lebron.

9. Ray Allen - Boston Celtics

With Doc coming back, expect Pierce to do the same, and for that matter, Ray Allen as well. He could be a lethal third addition for any of the teams shopping around, but I think the Celtics might still believe they have one more run left in them.

8. Paul Pierce - Boston Celtics

With the right combination of slacking in the regular season, saving their legs for the postseason, and not getting injured in either season, the Celtics could still have one last hurrah. Probably not, but it might be worth Pierce sticking around and retiring a Celtic, like every person expected was a lock until yesterday.

7. Carlos Boozer - Chicago Bulls

You Booze, you lose. Not only is that not applicable here, but its not actually a real saying. Expect Chicago to B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Booze) to 82 games next season. Yes, that means no Chris Bosh. And yes that means no championship. Maybe.

6. Amare Stoudemire - Miami Heat

J.A. Adande told me (in a column he wrote for everyone in the world with internet to read) that Stoudemire wants to go to Miami or Phoenix. For him to go to Miami, Bosh would have to commit elsewhere, or Bosh, Wade and Stoudemire would all have to take paycuts and assemble a super-team.

5. Joe Johnson - Atlanta Hawks

From what I heard, it's almost a done deal. Even he knows its not worth going to the Knicks for a max deal. Maybe this move will save the Knicks from doing something irrational and bring Carmelo and Chris Paul to New York next season.

4. Dirk Nowitzki - Dallas Mavericks

Dirk knows Dallas. Nothing else.

3. Chris Bosh - Miami Heat

Bosh is the man in the position of power right now. He ultimately holds the fate of the next Eastern Conference champion if he wants. Him and Lebron would be some tandem. But I think even Bosh is leaning towards playing with Wade.

2. Dwyane Wade - Miami Heat

Wade made it pretty clear he wants to stay in Miami. I think he's playing free agency smarter than anyone else. He's recruiting for the Heat, understands Lebron wants to do his own thing, and sees a golden opportunity to maintain his loyalty to a city he loves and potentially bring the championship back to Miami. I'll explain in a few.

So where will this man go?

1. Lebron James -

Boringgggggggg. Lebron stays. Yesterday, if I had written this post, I would've said Chicago. But now, I feel like all signs point to Cleveland. But why?

1. Loyalty - If there's one thing Lebron has demonstrated throughout his career, its loyalty to his hometown. He wants to bring a championship there. He can take a jet to any major market. If no one has notice, Lebron is his own major market. New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas and Miami are aware of the Lebron phenomenon.

2. Respect - I think he respects what Jordan did in Chicago too much. I don't think he wants to live in Jordan's shadow throughout his career. Granted the Lakers had Chamberlain before Kareem, Kareem before Magic, and Magic before Kobe, and it is a big deal to carry on others legacy, I think Lebron believes Jordan's legacy is cemented in Chicago. There will never be another Jordan. No one will ever claim Jordan's city. Lebron wants his own city.

3. Coaching - Lebron got the coach he wanted: Byron Scott. He has the mix of everything Lebron is looking for in a coach. And oh yeah, he's not Mike Brown.

4. The Environment - Why would Lebron want to come to Miami if Miami beach will be covered in oil sometime in the near future? It just doesn't seem plausible.

So what does this mean?

1) Lebron's basing his decision on the fact he thinks a coach is the Final piece to the championship puzzle. The problem: The players make the team. Phil needed MJ and Scottie, Kobe and Shaq, and Kobe and Gasol. Popovich needed Robinson and Duncan, Parker, Ginobli and Duncan. Reilly needed Wade and Shaq. You get the idea. Yes, Mike Brown was a pretty bad coach, but they won 60 games with him two years in a row. My point exactly. It's not the coach that puts wins on the board. It's the players.

2) Lebron's team doesn't get much better, which means they probably can't win a title again. His supporting cast can't do it. He needs more.

3) Wade will likely have a better shot at the title. By choosing money and loyalty over the smart move, Lebron is costing himself championships, and the ultimate fame that comes along with them. Wade, Bosh and whomever else they get (Stoudemire or not) should walk away this summer with the best new team in the Eastern Conference. A team poised to take down Lebron's Cavs. Maybe not Kobe's Lakers. But definitely Lebron's Cavs. I know James wants to make this all a spectacle, but in doing so, I think he's missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to propel his fame to the ultimate level. James, Wade and Bosh is unbeatable. A paycut means nothing. With all the championships that would ensue, Lebron will make more money than he could ever dream of. But without going to Chicago or Miami, he won't get those championships.

And if he doesn't, maybe Lebron will never be more than an NBA All-Star with a few MVPs and scoring titles.

As he becomes a Witness to Wade and Bosh's success.

Images taken from bing.com