Talbot Talks Sports

This is my nightmare!

2011-06-15T13:56:00.001-07:00

It's finally beginning to dawn on me. My NBA nightmare is looming. With two wins, the Miami Heat will represent the Eastern Conference in the NBA Finals. Man, would that suck. But unless the Bulls unexpectedly (and somehow legally) sign me in the next few days, there's nothing I can do to stop that from happening. It's in Chicago's hands. Hands I find less faith in with each passing game.

The Heat have figured out how to contain Rose. Kyle Korver's jump shot has been about as effective for the Bulls as drunken late-night McDonald's meals have been for my diet. Deng's been wildly inconsistent. Boozer might as well be boozing out there. The team just doesn't look impressive by any means.

What's most amazing is that the Bulls looked unbeatable in Game 1. The Heat didn't deserve to be on the same floor with them in the second half of that game. Yet Games 2 and 3 were completely the opposite. Yes, the Bulls kept it tight through three quarters, but it always felt like the Heat were in control. Like Lebron and company had the Bulls right where they wanted them.

In the closing minutes of Game 3, my buddy texted me: "Hunch: Rose is about to explode." My response: "Hunch: Miami is just gonna keep them at bay and win." At no point in the last two games have I felt otherwise.

It's safe to say we all saw this coming. Lebron's "decision" went against all conventional wisdom. We hated him for it. We turned on him. He became the enemy. But why? Because he wasn't fulfilling the prophecy as MJ's successor? The path we wanted for him. He wanted to do things his own way. He questioned the path everyone laid out for him. He saw happiness on a beach with his buddies, championship rings on all fingers. And we chastised him for it. It sounds a little ridiculous if you think about it. If we were in his position, wouldn't we want the same? What sounds better? A life with money and fame, or a life with money, fame and friends to share it with? Every one of you is taking the second option.

Maybe Jordan would have taken the first option, but Lebron's not Jordan. And maybe that's the most important thing to remember. There will never be another Michael Jordan. No way, no how. But that doesn't mean Lebron can't be great in his own way. Maybe Lebron is starting a revolution basketball needs. How many of us loved watching the Spurs and Pistons win championships on grit and fundamentals? These were the "down" years in the NBA. The seasons nobody watched. Lebron, Wade, Durant, and Rose have put life back into the game of basketball. People want to follow it again. They want to root against the enemy, watch the young stars create their own legacies, and see which teams have what it takes to call themselves champions. And I guess we have Lebron to thank for that.

When Lebron first made "The Decision" I was highly disappointed in him. But I understood why. I got where he was coming from. In the past few months, I forgot that. I think it was the way the Heat since handled themselves that led me astray. Throwing a party before they'd even stepped on a court together. Bosh's ego swelling bigger and bigger by the minute. The way they felt victimized by society. I just didn't like the act. And in all reality, I still don't. I was telling my friends earlier, every time I watch Bosh succeed or excessively celebrate, it takes every fiber in my bones not to hurl myself out a window. The guy just rubs me the wrong way. He would be nowhere (on a losing team in Toronto) without Lebron and Wade. Yet he's so cocky and over-the-top about everything.

Regardless, the fact of the matter is, Bosh, Lebron and Wade are six games away from capturing that first title together. It's all just happening so much faster than I expected. And it's a tough pill to swallow.

But with all pills come the hope for a better feeling. Maybe it's an Advil to help the headache go away. An antibiotic to cure your case of strep throat. A Percocet to ease your anxiety. Or maybe it's an NBA championship that helps you realize the legacy you're about to embark on. People didn't like MJ in his prime. As a Knicks fan, I feared the guy. I didn't want to see him become the greatest of all-time. I wanted John Starks and Patrick Ewing to shatter his dreams. It wasn't until after he retired that I truly appreciated him. It wasn't until I forgot the pain he caused me as a young Knicks fan that I began defending him in every "Who's better? MJ or Kobe" argument. And maybe that's the way it will be with Lebron -- twenty years from now when I'm recounting his battles with Carmelo and the Knicks, Durant and the Thunder, Howard and the Lakers (Yeah, I went there Orlando fans), Irving and the Cavs (justtt kidding). Maybe I won't appreciate his game until he's long gone. Maybe none of us will.

Only time will tell. Until then, my position on the Heat will likely never waver. I don't want Lebron or Bosh to a win a championship. I don't want them to have better careers than Anthony, Stoudemire or Paul. I want the championships and glory saved for my favorite team, my favorite players. After all, I'm still a sports fan.

But with that said, I think it's time I come to terms with the fact I can't stop what's about to happen. No matter how much I gripe and groan about Bosh's obnoxiousness or Lebron's arrogance, it's not gonna stop the Heat from winning a title sometime in the near future.

The Heat told us this would happen. We agreed. We tried to talk ourselves out of it. But they're still delivering.

What more can I say?

Is this the hardest NCAA bracket of all-time?

2011-03-15T16:08:00.000-07:00

I gave my bracket a first go Sunday night, and immediately hated it. It may be the worst I’ve ever filled out. I’m talking worse than my first bracket as a freshman in high school. I had Maryland winning it all that year. They won the first round on a buzzer-beating three (how's that for HD quality?), then lost the second round thanks to a Steve Blake missed layup on a wide-open fast break. I still hate him for that. I think I entered the Sweet 16 with 7 teams, had one Final Four team, and came in like 36th out of 38. I finished 34 places behind two hot girls that knew nothing about basketball. And yet I still think my bracket this year might suck even more.

With that being said, in the last two days, I haven’t been able to come up with anything better. I literally haven’t changed a game. I can’t back up any possible change I make.

Coming in, I was all pumped. I already knew my champion. I had my sleepers in mind. Then the committee created the weirdest bracket of all time. They've scattered good teams across bad seeds and bad teams across good seeds. Washington is a 7-seed. Florida is somehow a 2-seed. Texas is a 4-seed. Kentucky, a 4-seed. Then there's the late season injuries to think about. BYU and St. John’s lost key players. Kyrie Irving might come back, he might not. How about sleepers? All of my sleepers are playing each other in the first or second round. I expect some teams to be sleepers, but how am I supposed to know which team is a better sleeper than the other? It’s just not fair. Oh Kansas State could be a Final Four team? Well, Utah State “believes that [they] will win.” I can’t lose a Final Four team in Round 1.

Apparently I’m not the only one struggling with this bracket. I’ve heard people say they thought this was the year of the lower seed. I’ve heard others say they expected all four #1s to advance to the Final Four. My one buddy filled his bracket out for the first time, had San Diego State in the final, and just immediately crumpled it up and threw it out. If I could, I’d crumple up my computer and throw my bracket out as well.

I think this year’s bracket is a testament to the college basketball season overall. No one team really stood out. All the top teams beat each other up. There was a new #1 every week down the stretch. There just hasn’t been a clear-cut favorite.

Which makes my life filling out this bracket pretty miserable. As I’m sure it is for most. With that being said, I will still invest $20 in a pool, with the hope that maybe once, I’ll come home victorious. If not, at least the games will be that much more exciting along the road.

No matter how good I feel about my bracket coming in, I know it’s inevitable that when I tune into the first three games on Thursday, I’ll be losing two of them miserably, and barely hanging on to a lead in the other one.

It wouldn’t be March if there wasn’t any madness involved.

A Champion is Crowned...

2011-02-07T14:17:00.000-08:00

First Place: Game-Changer

Second Place: Rone

Third Place: Homeless Bill

Playoff Pickoff's Super Finish...

2011-02-03T09:01:00.001-08:00

Well, the moment we've all been waiting for is finally upon us. We're just one game away from crowning the first (and possibly only) ever Talbot Talks Sports Playoff Pickoff Champion. The Super Bowl pick is worth four points. Most points wins. The tiebreaker is overall record. If we need it, whoever comes closest to predicting the final score will be the next tiebreaker. May the best man, woman or cat win.

Since this will be my last post for a while, I've decided to enlighten you with just my pick.

This pick's got me tossing and turning. One day I'm sure it's the Packers. The next day it's gotta be the Steelers. When asked if he'd bet on this game, Phil Simms replied, "Yeah, I'd bet a hamburger on it, and that's about it." The thing is Phil, we are betting a hamburger on it. And not just any plain old hamburger. We've got a Wendy's double-stack. Things got two patties! So this is a pretty big decision. One I don't want to get wrong.

In this whole process I've only consistently bet on one team, the Steelers, and they've won every time. They seem like such a safe bet though. And they're not the fun team to watch. Two years ago, when Larry Fitzgerald put on a show for the ages against the Steelers in the Super Bowl, I was rooting for the Steelers. Why? Because my roommate was dumb enough to bet me $20 straight-up that the Cardinals would win.

The Cardinals were the young, high-octane, exciting team. Fitzgerald and Warner put together one of the most memorable and exciting halves of football I have ever seen. And while the entire room was jubilant, watching the Cardinals pull off potential history, I was forced to view the situation as me losing 20 bucks. For a college guy that was a lot. Ten beers at Hula's with a bracelet, 20 beers from "Sweaterman" at Toads, 2,000 beers at Aunchies during "penny drafts". That's just a lot to give up for a great Super Bowl upset.

Anyways, I won my $20 thanks to Santonio Holmes (a man I now hate), who caught the game-winning TD with seconds remaining.

(I was actually pissed he caught it. A Pitt field goal would have sent the game into OT at 23-23. In the "boxes" game I had Cardinals 6, Steelers 3. If the Cardinals won it in OT on a field goal, I would have won $175 (-20 to my friend) = $155. If the Steelers won, I still win $20. Would've been a nice situation. I guess I should've known the boxes weren't meant to be when the Cards had the ball, first and goal on the 1, with 20 seconds left in the first half down 10-7. I had Cards 4, Pitt 0. The Cards literally had no running game. They failed to move the ball one yard on first or second down, then threw a 100 yard interception returned for a TD to James Harrison. One yard would have landed me $75. I will never win in the boxes game).

Moral of the story. A lot of things went wrong for me that Sunday. Sure I won $20, but it could've been a lot more, and I could have had a lot more fun. On Fitzgerald's go-ahead touchdown I remember thinking, "Wow, I'm gonna lose 20 bucks." When I should have been thinking, "Wow this unbelievable." All because I picked the grind-it-out, hard-nosed, win ugly, we've been there before Steelers. I think I'd much prefer the thrill of seeing the young, exciting, underdog win (even though the Packers are favored by 2.5 - Why? I have no idea).

But with all this being said, we're playing for pride here. I need to go with who I honestly believe will win. I may root for the Packers (cut to Toph shaking his head disapprovingly), but that doesn't mean I'm going to pick them. I need to put myself in the best position to walk away with the pride, the double-stack, or at least some dignity over my girlfriend and little sister.

So here's what I believe. Aaron Rodgers has to play absolutely perfect for the Packers to win. I'm talking no mistakes. The reason being, I don't think the Packers can run the ball on this Steeler front seven. It's the best in the game. Starks has been inconsistent from week to week, but this Steelers defense has never faulted against the run. Their secondary is vulnerable though. Which is why, for the Packers, the game rests in Rodgers' hands. He's going to have to be almost flawless.

A lot of critics would counter saying that the Packers defense is really good, and they'll take pressure off of Rodgers. I choose to disagree. They say games are won in the trenches. Or at least, that's what retired offensive and defensive linemen say, so I'll take their word for it. The Packers defensive ends and linebackers are undersized, but they rely on their speed and quickness to beat linemen off the edge and set up bull-rushes when the linemen over-commit to the edge. Clay Matthews especially excels at this. Offensive linemen have to respect his speed to the outside. When they over-commit and fall off balance, Matthews can effectively bull-rush his way to the quarterback. It's been his most effective move all year. But this week, he'll be lined up against Flozell Adams. Flozell Adams is a BIG man. A very BIG man. He may have lost a step, but his size allows him to over-commit to the outside, because let's face it, Matthews isn't getting anywhere on him with the bull-rush. This creates problems for Green Bay. It's hard enough to take Roethlisberger down, but when you can't get any pressure on him, he's likely to pick apart the Packers with multiple tight-end sets that create mismatches in their secondary. The real problem for the Packers lies in the rush defense though. Without pressure in the backfield from the Packers undersized line, Mendenhall will run free. Pittsburgh can control the game and keep Rodgers off the field.

So the real question is: Will Rodgers play perfect (which he's capable of doing), be the hero, and single-handedly carry the Packers to a Super Bowl championship in a shootout, or will he make mistakes and be the goat? It's really tough to bet against Rodgers in the playoffs right now, and it's even tougher to bet against the idea that this will absolutely crush Brett Favre.

But when in doubt, it's probably better to take the points (even though we're not betting on the spread) and the team with experience.

So I'll take the Steelers.

Image taken from Google Images

AFC/NFC Championship Picks...

2011-01-19T21:09:00.000-08:00

The stakes have changed this week. Since there are only two games, each correct pick counts as two points as opposed to one. It just...got...interesting. No one is out of the game just yet. Except for maybe JT. I think she can still qualify for the double stack though. If that's the case, one could argue she's positioned herself right where she wants to be in this competition.

This week, we're going to take you through the mind's of the world's greatest game-pickers, as they explain why the Bears, Packers, Jets or Steelers will be playing come Super Bowl Sunday. This should be interesting.

Rone:

Being the first place contender, I thought I would be pumped, but I'm really just pissed since it's only for pride. I lied about liking the Lion King. I wish Rafeiki just dropped Simba at the beginning and ended it.

Jets 27 - Steelers 21

Reason: 95% bias, 5% Revis Island

Packers 31 - Bears 28

Reason: I literally just flipped a coin to choose this game. Don't tell anyone my secrets. Pride rock ~~sucks~~ is awesome (Editor’s correction).

The CEO:

Packers 16 - Bears 20

Why am I taking the Bears? Is it because I was such a huge fan of Laguna Beach in high school? Is it because my best friend is a life-long Bears fan? Is it because I truly believe they’re going to win this game?

The answer: Yes, yes and yes. Did I really love Laguna Beach? You’re damn right I did. Kristin, LC, Lo, Talan, "Steeee!vennn", and Trey were basically my Thursday night crew in high school. I watched that show every week. Is it because I loved the drama? Yes. Is it because there was something endearing about Lo? Weirdly, yes. Is it mostly because I loved Kristin and her propensity to tan pool-side in mini bikinis? Yes, yes and a thousand times yes. And ya know what? I bet Jay Cutler dug that too. He may not show emotion, drive, or a care in the world, but there’s no doubt in my mind, the man enjoyed Laguna Beach.

Cavallari has become to Cutler, what Kate Hudson was to A-Rod. Since her arrival, Cutler has been tearing it up. His interceptions have dropped, his TDs have risen, and he’s playing like the guy Mel Kiper gushed about coming out of Vanderbilt. Attractive girlfriends win guys sporting events. How do you think I won five intramural championships? A smokin’ hot, awesome girlfriend – that’s how.

Another reason I’m taking the Bears? My best friend, a life-long Bears fan, just spent $800 to fly to Chicago and freeze his ass off for four hours to see his Bears win the NFC Championship. He wouldn’t do that unless he believed Chicago could win this game. Nobody knows the Bears like this guy. He can name their offensive line. I didn’t even know the Bears had an offensive line. Cutler’s usually being ransacked before he finishes his five-step-drop. If Toph believes this team can win, then he’s made a believer out of me.

Further reasoning:

The Packers offense became unstoppable when they found their run game with Jason Starks.
The Bears will shut Starks down with one of the best rush defenses in the NFL.
Rodgers has never scored more than 21 points on the Bears.
In Week 17, in a must-win game for the Packers that lacked meaning for the Bears (at Green Bay), the Packers only beat them 10-3.
Chicago already beat Green Bay at home on national television.
The wind will be swirling.
Hester will keep the Bears in control of field possession.

I think Chicago grinds out an old school victory. According to history, the last time these two teams met in the playoffs? Dec. 14, 1951. The Bears won that game. They say history has a tendency to repeat itself.

Jets 16 - Steelers 24

Because they're not the Jets.

Also: Best rush defense versus a team that needs to run the ball effectively to stay in the game. Troy Polamalu is back. Heath Miller is back. Pittsburgh has been here before (two Super Bowl titles in the last five years). The Steelers have more offensive weapons. I respect what the Jets have done (with the exception of being huge d-bags). But I respect this Steelers team too much to pick against them. It’s just not a great match-up for the Jets. (You're welcome Rincon.)

JT:

Jets 13 - Steelers 24

Alright so this week I'm gonna keep it simple for ya. I talked to God last night on the phone, we catch up every once and while, and he told me to pick the Steelers, because they're gonna win 24-13. I also like the Steelers because of their player, Palmolive, because it sounds like the dish soap that smells really good. Obviously, I"m not going against God too.. so there's pick #1.

Packers 24 - Bears 21

As for pick #2, I've decided to go with the Packers winning 24-21 for various reasons. One, I really enjoy myself a slice of cheese. Two, I like the color yellow as shown by my Steelers & Packers picks. It's a very spring-y color. Lastly, Packers rhymes with stackers and naturally I'd love to win that double stack. Now, I hope Christoph is still reading this because I have something important to say. In a recent study scientists have found there is a correlation between who I pick, and the team that loses. It's basically a fact now, whoever I pick is going to lose. So do not fret young Christoph and do not fret America, the Bears will win because I picked the Packers. Really, I'm doing you all a favor. If you were smart this year you would've picked against me every week (as most of you did). If by some miracle the Packers win & I actually get one right then HAHAHAHA to you all. Just kidding, just kidding.. but seriously, the teams I picked this week are going to lose.

Charlie the Cat:

He's a cat. He has nothing to say here. Nor any score predictions.

A-Rod:

Packers 27 - Bears 17

Bears may have kept the Packers offense to only 10 points in their last game against each other, but the way the Packers handled the Falcons was impressive. Also, Ive been picking the Pack all playoffs and they represent 2 of my 3 wins...why change whats been working for you? Jets suck.

Jets 10 - Steelers 17

Jets got lucky earlier in the season with a game-opening TD kick return by Brad Smith. I don't know if he will play or not, but if he doesnt that is a huge blow to their offense. Moreover, Troy Polamalu did not play that game and we all know the difference he can make when on the field.

Lastly, I expect this to be a low scoring dog fight. The Steelers are going to get pressure on Sanchez, something the Pats were not able to do, AND THEY CAN STOP THE RUN. I envision the Jets offense really struggling this week. Jets suck.

Samson:

I didn't pick my picks... my picks picked me.

Jets 10 – Steelers 17

So I sat back and thought about the big picture... who would rather end up with me? The fight for me between Ben and Sanchez is simple, Mexican just ain't my style. I'm on the younger side, vulnerable at times, and low profile - perfect profile for Ben's prime pickin's.

Packers 21 – Bears 17

Cutler and Rodgers were just relentless though. Back and forth, back and forth. Cutler is so snuggly and sensitive. But Rodgers just kept throwin' cheese at me and well ... he knows how to get to a woman's heart. Those little yellow triangles of heaven just melted my heart and I knew, Rodgers was the way to go.

P.s. Bob, can I borrow your boom box?

(The Editor would like to add that Roethlisberger assaults young girls, Rodgers is a d-bag, and no you can't borrow my boom box because Erin is borrowing it.)

Homeless Bill:

I'm taking the Steelers, because being homeless, I have to "steal" the occasional food or blanket.

And I'm taking the Packers, because I went to high school with Aaron Rodgers. We kind of took different paths in life after that.

Toph:

Packers 21 - Bears 24

Jets 20 - Steelers 27

The other day, I noticed one of Bob's "Can't Spell Liquor Without QU" bro's clamoring via a Facebook status fight for more in depth analysis/justification as to why he makes his football predictions. As a silent revolt to said unnamed friend, I have decided to take it upon myself to not write anything that even slightly resembles an intelligent, factual justification of my picks.

Anyone that knows anything about anything and anyone that knows two things about me: I LOVE the Bears and I HATE the Jets. I don't know what it is. Oh wait, yes I do. It's the fact that I grew up in New Jersey as a misplaced Bears fan, misguided 20 years ago by my father's ignorance. Growing up as a Bears fan in the NY area was hard enough. Watching kids my own age sport jerseys of easily one of the most boring players to ever play the game, double elbow pad wearing Curtis Martin, to now supporting the only Mexican in the NFL hurts me. There is only one Mexican athlete I will ever support and that is Eduardo Najera, based on the fact that he was my unbreakable computer password from 1999-2007. Couple these issues with the fact that emotional leader Fireman Ed is nationally ranked the 22nd biggest douche in the U.S. (sandwiched between Spencer Pratt and that pale dude from Twilight) and is solely responsible for the worst chant in sports, and you have to ask, what do you like about the Jets?

I hate Rex Ryan and his stomach stapling...and the fact that he's still retardedly fat. I could go on with things I hate about them for weeks, but let's just be clear on one thing, this is my lock of the playoffs. You DO NOT go into the big Ketchup bottle and beat the Steelers twice in under a month. Ben Roethlisberger sexually assualts multiple chicks in shorter periods of time. Sorry Jets fans. It's been a good run, but Troy Polamalu's back from his Head and Shoulders commercial shoot and he's ready to roll. Hope Sanchez is wearing head protection, perhaps an Under Armour skull cap, because the dude is about to get mindf***ed.

On the NFC side, this is a personal no brainer. I spent roughly half of my life savings, $1.26 million, to go to the Bears game this Sunday. So obviously you know who I'm going to pick. This will be my first trip to Soldier Field and will probably be my last if the Bears lose. Because I will literally contemplate letting a live bear rip my heart out as Wisconsin hicks happily cheer and simultaneously grow their hair to their buttocks to emulate their greasy state heroes. Either way, here's to Kid Cutty not making stupid decisions and Devin Hester returning kicks for touchdowns. When the Bears multimedia director plays "Soulja Boy" before punt returns, Hester houses it at least 57% of the time. As long as that statistic rings true, Aaron Rodgers can choke on a big D while the Bears head to Big D.

Super Bowl (Random Roman Numeral that I don't feel like Googling): The Chicago Bears vs The Pittsburgh Steelers

Game-Changer:

Packers 24 - Bears 17

I am convinced that Aaron Rodgers can do anything he wants on the football field. Scratch that, I think Rodgers can do anything he wants period. He is an absolute unstoppable force. A religion needs to be formed in his honor, and maybe I’m the one to do it. I think we learned last week (myself the hard way) that playing a division rival in the playoffs is always tough, and this will be no different. Green Bay is just better on both sides of the ball and nobody is playing as well as they are right now (Side note: I have picked GB to score 24 points in their first two playoff games and I’m scared to change things now because it’s definitely my predictions that have been fueling their victories).

Jets 17 - Steelers 20

To be 100% honest, I’m probably not going to watch this game at all. Most likely I’ll use that time to get drunk and then be all emotional about how the Pats aren’t playing in it. Or maybe watch a Kate Beckinsale flick if there’s one on. She’s a babe. Anyways, someone’s gotta get torched by Rodgers in the Super Bowl, right? These teams are pretty evenly matched, but Pittsburgh has the home field and Roethlisberger is deadly out of the pocket, so pressure won’t be as big an impact for the Jets.

MC:

Packers 17 - Bears 30

Jets 10 - Steelers 24

If the Super Bowl is any other matchup than this, then we let the terrorists win. Plain and simple, we have failed as a country if the Jets and Packers play each other in the Super Bowl. The world already hates American football, and I might as well if that is the matchup. Derka Derka, Muhammad Jihad.

Images taken from Google Images

The Easiest Way To Make A Million Dollars?

2011-01-19T13:25:00.001-08:00

So apparently, the best way to make a million dollars these days, is to just ask for it. As I continue to collect quarters I find in lockers at the gym and twenty dollar bills I find in old Christmas and birthday cards laying around my room, this kid's just asking for a million bucks on YouTube.

Oh, and...he's getting it.

What sucks the most is (and my friend Joe can attest to this), I was contemplating doing something like this a few weeks ago. I've been trying to save up for a hopeful trip to Vegas for the last month or so. In fact, I accumulated $756 in a matter of days, without really doing much of anything. Yet here this kid is making my efforts look like a joke.

I caught wind of this MillionDollarHomePage the other day, and thought, wouldn't it be something if I could pull this stunt off? I heard another story about a guy that started with a paper clip, which he traded for another item and another and another, until he eventually traded something for a million dollars. If those guys could do it, why can't I?

Well now this kid's gone and ruined everything for me. No one's gonna give me a million dollars if I ask for it on the internet now. They're gonna say, "That's been done before buddy. We've heard that act before." And it's all this guy's fault.

I hate you Craig Rowan. But damnit, I respect you.

Looks like I'm gonna have to go back to the drawing board.

With that being said, if anyone wants to send me money, I'll except donations in cash or check. You don't have to be a millionaire. Seriously, I'll take six bucks. My job doesn't start until September.

Soooo...this guy's pretty good at whiffleball.

2011-01-18T12:19:00.000-08:00

Back when I was 11, I learned how to throw a "riser" with a whiffleball. At that time, I was fairly confident I was the "Randy Johnson" of whiffleball. People my age didn't even know what fast-pitch whiffleball was at that point. But if they did, I'm pretty sure I would have been disqualified from playing at recess. It just wouldn't have been fair.

This guy makes me look like the Boone Logan of whiffleball. I'm embarrassed to ever believe I was a half-decent whiffleball pitcher.

My whiffleball pitching skills owe this guy's whiffleball pitching skills 20 bucks.

Was I Crazy Enough to Let the Competitors Sound-off on This Competition? You Betcha...

2011-01-14T10:30:00.000-08:00

Highlights of Wild Card Weekend:

Game-Changer and Rone are out to an early lead.

Homeless Bill is right where he wants to be, tied for 3rd - the double-stack within reach. He can almost taste it – which is probably pretty torturous for a man in his position.

Operation: Make Charlie the Cat as big as Paul the Octopus is off to a terrible start.

Toph might want to rethink picking the Bears after his 1-3 performance last week.

I’m just happy I’m not losing to the cat yet.

I caught up with our competitors to see how they felt about their performances last week. Here's what they had to say:

Game-Changer: Take us through the day of a game-changer on “pick” day. What is it about you that has allowed you to get out to an early lead?

Well, you know, that’s a great question Bob and I appreciate you asking. The thing is, I never really know when pick day is, so it’s hard to tell you exactly what motions I go through to prepare for them. Really, I just go through my normal day, repeating certain daily procedures so that I’m ready when the picks come to me. I wake up, carry refrigerators out of trucks on my back, do pull-ups on my dad’s arm, and have my hamstrings massaged with fabrated milk every night before I go to bed. And not much else in between. Just normal things that all gifted pick-makers(?) do, day in and day out. And then I play the waiting game. The other day I was watching Executive Decision on TV, and my brother made the comment (as Kurt Russell and company were silently boarding the plane), “Wow, those guys are true patriots.” Suddenly it became clear to me. They defeated the terrorists, disarmed the bomb, and took the jet down. Boom. Pats over Jets. Simple.Then, the other night, I was having one of my recurring dreams where I’m Duke Nukem and me and Matt Hasselbeck are tearing through the levels of the game just obliterating aliens or whatever the hell those ugly things are. This isn’t unusual since naturally I’m invincible and can’t die, but I take pride in trying to protect Hasselbeck ‘til the end (he’s not a great shot, unsurprisingly). We were almost there, but then, out of nowhere, a bear came and ripped his head off. I know, it’s silly, bears aren’t even in the game.

The point is, the answer is always right there, you just have to be willing to listen.

Hah, I’m just kidding. Really, I’m just smarter than everyone else.

A-Rod: What significant lifestyle changes have you made in the last week that are going to help you bounce back after last week’s less-than-impressive showing in your picks?

Well, considering my lengthy baseball background and the influence it has on my life, "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"(Yogi Berra Reference #1). So in real life what i actually did was changed cereal, cerealously! I had been sporting the Frost Flakes like a true champ because "They'rrrrer Great" and all, but my mom made a managerial decision at the store and brought home Fruit Loops (Life Change #1).

The next problem I addressed was "We made too many wrong mistakes." (Yogi Berra #2) What I mean is, I now make sure to I stick to the fundamentals.."Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical." (Yogi Berra #3) I wake up at approximately 10:30am and while enjoying my Fruit Loops I get my spiritualism on by indulging myself in Bob Marley and clips of Kenny Powers (Life change #2). Lastly, I get my swell on in my bedroom, not the gym because i have a universal machine, while listening to Requiem For a Dream, Celtics opening theme from their Championship Year.

At the end of the day, "The game's isn't over until it's over." (Yogi Berra #4)

Charlie: How do you respond to the naysayers that say you can't live up to Paul the Octopus' legacy?

(He's staring at me). (Yawn). (Some more staring). (A blink). (And he turned to look out the window). I guess he's un-phased.

Toph: You expressed significant interest in the double stack last week. Did you purposely take a fall in week 1, to set yourself up nicely for a third place finish? Do you feel selfish gunning for a prize a guy like homeless Bill might need a little more?

I'm not Herm Edwards. I don't play to win the game. I know exactly what I want and how I'm going to get it. A 1-3 start was but a stepping stone to lull the competition to sleep while I wisely position myself for a 3rd place Double Stack victory. As for Homeless Bill, no I don't feel bad. Upon reading your question, I went to Wendys.com and investigated the caloric intake of that puppy. The evidence: 360 calories and 18 grams of fat.

Now, I'm operating under the impression that Homeless Bill is either an alcoholic or a crackhead (for obvious reasons). Alcohol and fast food, despite being the diet of 90% of American college students, is a delicious yet lethal combination. High performance athletes, like myself, can fuel their body with junk like Dub Stacks because we expend roughly 7 million calories a day. Adding fast food to a diet already dominated by stolen wine coolers and crack could be catastrophic to Bill's health. I would recommend he panhandle on the corner, perhaps even find a few ho's to pimp, to allow himself the opportunity to eat a healthier and more expensive option, such as the Side Caesar Salad.

The picks: Kid [Cutty] Nation, Brady Bunch, Rapelisberger, and Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood.

Rone: How do you mentally not let an early lead like this get to your head? Seeing as you’re at the top looking down, are you worried you won’t be as focused this week with your picks?

1. First off, I want to let it be known that I'm finding it difficult to be humorous and witty when called to fill these answers with as much humor and wit as possible. And secondly, knowing that every other member was probably told the same thing, now my humor and wit will be matched up against other people's humor and wit, which is just stressful. With that said, Eminem clarifies my outlook:

I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearin down your balcony

And what I'm setting out to be is the winner of Pride Rock (mainly cause Lion King is my favorite movie) Of course, those of you who look down at me are fools because I'm actually on top so the jokes on you.

So basically Bob, I'm Not Afraid of letting this get to my head.

2. Focus has never been a problem for me, except for when I'm studying, lifting, driving, or talking to girls. But none of those apply here, so I'm as focused as Rafiki was when he fought off 12 Hyenas in 7 seconds (do note that I had to google both "rafiki" and "hyenas" to get the spelling right and that my first attempts were "rafeikee" and "heinas")

So Bob, still Not Afraid.

Samson: Do you think you put yourself at a disadvantage, buying your boyfriend a subscription to sports illustrated as part of his Christmas gift? Does the wealth of football knowledge the catalog provides him give you no hope to defeat him in this competition? With that being said, can you explain why his subscription hasn't arrived yet this week?

Ow! Damn papercuts.

Oh wait what? Sorry. No, I don't know where your new issue is.

There better not be blood on that magazine!

JT: How does it feel to have been out-picked by a cat last week?

Sadly, this isn't the first time I've been beaten by a cat. Back in the summer of '86 I was in another contest. It was a meowing contest, because we all know that I can do a mean meow. I was favored to go all the way of course, and I stood on that podium ready to take my trophy when all of a sudden a golden voice came out of nowhere. This apparently homeless cat meowed, and it sounded like a mix of Fergie and Jesus. The judges immediately took away my prize and never again did I see that trophy that I wanted so bad. That cat went on to be famous and was hired by the Bobcats, naturally, to be their announcer. Soon enough the cat was sent to rehab because he was addicted to catnip & his career was over. Did I maybe send 37 packages of catnip to his house? Don't worry about it. So how does it feel to have been out-picked by a cat? Let's just say it brings back some bad memories. A famous proverb states "the cat is honest when the meat is out of her reach" and I believe Charlie can be an honest man now and let me out-pick him this week, because I predict that meaty double stack is out of his reach and allllll mine! I'd like a side of bread though please when I take third.

Homeless Bill: Where do you see yourself in four weeks?

Still homeless. But, with a double stack.

The CEO: (Asked by Toph): As I sit and watch ESPN noob Eric Mangini awkwardly and painfully discuss the Browns new coaching hire (while avoiding looking into the camera as if he's experiencing his first middle school slow dance), I can only help but wonder: What ESPN personality do you see yourself having the most enjoyable day with? Describe your day.

Well Toph, I'm glad you asked that, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with this competition.
I see me and Erin Andrews sitting on an uninhabited beach with a 1984 bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon (1984 was a good year). All you can hear are the sounds of the crashing waves, the occasional seagull passing by, and the sweet sounds of Sisqo (Of course I brought a boom-box and my Sisqo CD). We'd talk about sports, dance by the moonlight (She was on Dancing with the Stars. I honed my skills at Hulas and Toads), joke over a candle light dinner, run away from the waves as they crashed on the sand, and ---.

Waitttt a minute. My girlfriend is in this competition, isn't she? She'll be reading this. I was just kidding about all that stuff with Erin. That would just be such an awful time.

Ideally, I'd spend the day with Lou Holtz. We'd wake up. Scarf down a bowl of Berry, Berry Kix (Lou's favorite). He'd teach me how to run routes for pick-up football in the morning. For lunch, it's grilled cheese sandwiches and milkshakes. We'd order his favorite movie, Rudy, on demand in the afternoon (Rudy was offsides by the way - I wouldn't mention that to Lou though). For dinner, Burger King, because it's the best meal ever. We'd finish off our fries just before kickoff of the Notre Dame game. Notre Dame would be the underdog, expected to lose by 30-40 points. But Lou would still pick them to win on ESPN anyway - because well, Lou always picks them to win. Even when they're 2-9, playing 11-0 USC. Naturally, Notre Dame would lose. But Lou would give me great insight on what he would've done when he was their coach 63 years ago. After that, we'd hop in our onesies, have my mom read us bedtime stories, and hit the hay.

Yeah, that'd be something else.

MC: Has your journey through Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama given you any insight as to the how the playoffs might pan out from here on out? If so, what can you share with us?

When I arrived at my 1st stop in Texas this past week I stayed in Houston and visited the #1 High School Football team in Texas, the Pearland High School Oilers. As I presented the Pearland Oilers with the ever prestigious MaxPreps National Guard national ranking trophy I noticed that this team, in lack of better terms, was small as fuck. It proves that being more athletic and playing within a system and not a team of individuals you can win titles. They're not huge, I'm really only talking about Daniel Woodhead and Wesley Welker, and not so much Vincenzo Wilfork. But ipso facto, Pats it is. Plus their Coach doesn’t f--k foot p---ies.

I entered into Louisiana, by a sign in French, not knowing what to expect. I drove over a swamp, it was literally called "Henderson’s Swamp" the highway went right over it. I was in awe of how massive this swamp was, but was immediately distracted from this when I saw a sign reading "River Boat Gambling Boats Exit I forget". Never in my life have I been so turned on by a sign. I didn't stop in Louisiana but these three characteristics that I withdrew from this state perfectly relate to the Packers. The Packers are hard to like now that Aaron Rodgers decides to act like Phillip Rivers, kind of how the French are hard to like those cheese eating surrender monkeys. They're also not pretty like the swamps. AJ Hawk might be the ugliest man in the world, and when you live in Green Bay you start to look like a gay American grizzly magazine model, aka the rest of the team. As to River Boat gambling, I am merely taking a very large gamble on them winning as they are the 6 seed, on the road, playing the #1 team in the NFC.

Next stop, The Hospitality State, Mississippi. Now I was supposed to stay the night in Mississippi, but unfortunately there was a freezing rain, wintry mix, snowstorm and Mississippi does not know how to handle this. I got 4 hours into the state and then was told by the Mississippi National Guard to not go any further and leave. Not very hospitable. Now Baltimore isn’t as cold as most US cities, but their defense plays with such a demeanor and stank it will put a chill down your spine and literally cool down the opposing offense. See that segway? The Ravens are 7-1 at the Bank, M&T Bank Stadium, a record that will make opponents just want to pack up their balls and leave. Baltimore is not a friendly stadium to visit, and either is Mississippi.

The last stop on my 5 day trip took me to Alabama. Mobile to be exact. Roll Tide. I went out to a local Auburn bar to watch the BCS Title game and had to take a cab to and fro the bar. Cab driver #1 was a 55 year old, Caucasian male that weighed about 275 lbs, and smelled like shrimp cocktail. He blatantly admitted to me that he is a crack dealer and he made the passenger before me, a 29 year old female w/ nipple rings, get naked for rock. On my ride home from the bar I had a much different cab driver. He was about 5'7" 160 lbs, African American. He wore black tactical gear including gloves. I found out his other jobs include being a Private Investigator and is currently working on getting his bounty hunters license. I also found out that in the days of Vietnam he was a Marine Scout Sniper. He literally looked me in the eye and said "One shot, one kill". In Mobile, Alabama the cab drivers are unpredictable. Much like da Bears. One day you can have a high powered juggernaut of an offense that cannot be stopped w/ a defense that cannot be penetrated. That relates to cab driver #2 and his Marine Scout Sniper days. Just killing bitches. On the other hand you can have a complete train wreck of a team. A team with a quarterback who looks drunk and a defense that gives up more homerun plays then Boone Logan against lefty hitters. That is cab driver #1. A complete mess just waiting to explode and OD at any moment. A real Jekyll & Hyde team.

That's what happens when you ask seven ridiculous people, a homeless man and a cat to respond to my questions in a ridiculous manner.

Images taken from Google Images

Might the Jets be acting a little hypocritical ?

2011-01-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

When asked by the Daily News if he's ever seen Brady pointing after the Patriots score, Cromartie responded saying, "We see that a lot. He does it a lot. That's the kind of guy he is."

If only Brady were more like the kind of guy Antonio Cromartie is. The kind of guy that has fathered nine kids over eight states with six women. The kind of guy that was only able to refer to eight of his nine children here. The kind of guy who has "a...my daughter (who's name also seems to escape me, even though her birthday was the day before this interview) that just turned three yesterday."

"Once you leave and get home you gotta be that father figure." For whichever kid happens to be in the area on the Jets road trip I guess.

When asked what kind of guy Tom Brady is, Cromartie said, "An ass----. F--- him."

Spoken like a true upstanding gentleman.

Tom Brady is an ass---- for pointing.

If only he were more like Braylon Edwards. Guy's kind enough to teach corners how to "Dougie" in their face after TDs (even after he's arrested for driving intoxicated (.16 BAC) earlier in the week).

Or Santonio Holmes. Yeah, he's a great guy. Makes everyone feel like they're playing in the Super Bowl when he treats every first down like a spectacle, signaling first down more than the refs, after some spastic dance.

Or talking smack down 21 after a six yard gain.

If it weren't for NFL copyright laws, we could pay tribute to LT too, celebrating what must have been the greatest first down of his career against the Patriots - an 11 yard run before the Patriots narrowly defeated them, 45-3.

These are the kind of guys the Jets are. Shame on Tom Brady for pointing at the team that tries to break him down with insults and backhanded comments every week (even when the Jets aren't even playing the Pats). It's absolutely insulting that Tom has the nerve, THE NERVE!, to point at the Jets sideline. The J. E. T. S. Jets! Jets! Jets! carry themselves with class each and every week. They garner more respect as model citizens than any team in the league. DUIs, guys with nine kids, YouTube creepy foot-fetish videos and a coach and his wife's internet group sex application? Yep the Jets exemplify class.

And Tom Brady is such an ass----. F--king pointing at us and s#!+. How dare he victimize the Jets? Un-f'n-believable.

Because We Are Ducks...

2011-01-10T14:22:00.000-08:00

Look, the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl was a treat. And the Meineke Car Care Bowl ranks up there with the best of them. But in the grand scheme of things, those games really didn't have any significance. To say that those games mattered, is like saying people care about the "5th Place Game" in fantasy football or the consolation bracket in gym class badminton. People don't. That's just a fact. But tonight's bowl game is actually significant. It's easy to forget that when 54 bowl games in a three week span tend to dilute the college football season for us. But rest assured, the national championship is important.

The nation should be in for a real treat too. The game features two of the most explosive offenses in the country. Oregon comes in averaging 49.1 ppg and Auburn 42.7. To put those numbers into perspective, think about this: For the year, the Oregon Duck had to do as many push-ups as OU had points after each of their scores. No big deal. That amounted to 2,757 push-ups. 2,757 push-ups over 13 games! That's like half the amount I've done in the gym this week! Incredible.

As good as the Ducks offense is, Auburn's isn't that far off - ranking fourth in the nation in scoring. Keeping up with the Ducks won't be a problem for the Tigers. Plus Auburn has a much superior defense, led by defensive stud, Nick Fairley. All signs point to Auburn being crowned the national champion late Monday night.

But if I learned one thing in my childhood, it's that ducks fly together. Even when the roosters are crowing and the cows are spinning circles in the pasture. I've got coach Gordon Bombay to thank for that:

That's right, Jan!

Oregon 38 - Auburn 34

Roll tide.

The First Annual Talbot Talks Sports Playoff Pickoff...

2011-01-06T07:32:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the first annual "Talbot Talks Sports Playoff Pickoff," brought to you by the good folks at TopSpot-Promotions, because there's still a 4% chance they're contributing advertising dollars to this website. As much as I'm sure you've enjoyed tuning in for my weekly picks this year, I thought it'd be more fun to give some of my valued readers (there's a reason you weren't included in this Gervino) a shot at an NFL picks title.

What we're playing for:

1st Place: More pride than you can imagine

Pride Rock can't even support the amount of pride we're playing for.

2nd Place: A ball of yarn (at Charlie's request)

(Kitten not included)

3rd Place: A double-stack at Wendy's

(Great value purchase according to Bach Talk)

Once this blog starts raking in the millions we can play for more, but for now, we play for pride, and we play for keeps.

Let's meet the contestants:

Game-Changer (founder of the hottest new blog around: You Play To Win The Game!)

What he brings to the competition: Sexiness, 23 years (as of Tuesday) of football knowledge, bias towards the Patriots and against the Jets, and game-changeability.

Fun Fact: The man supposedly does the best Leslie Chow (The Hangover) impersonation this side of the Mason-Dixon line.

Odds of victory: 8-1

Samson

What she brings to the competition: Sexiness, one year of experience watching First Take, four years of experience watching her awesome boyfriend's favorite football team (the Giants), and seven weeks picking experience.

Fun Fact: Over the last seven weeks, she out-picked me 4 weeks to 3. I've finally come to terms with it, and I can finally admit that publicly. (Don't laugh, you all know you've lost to girls during March Madness, because the teams with sweet color jerseys and cities with large malls beat the teams you picked)

Odds of victory: 15-1

A-Rod (founder of the highly-acclaimed: Shepley Chronicles)

What he brings to the competition: Five years experience debating me about football, corny jokes, and a can't-lose attitude we can all respect.

Fun Fact: A-Rod is a "CPM" - A "Certified Picking Machine." Or so he claims. Kid's been asking to challenge me for weeks. Here's your chance A-Rod.

Odds of victory: 9-1

Toph (founder of the most popular sports website around (with the possible exception of espn.com): Bach Talk

What he brings to the competition: Confidence, an excessive love of all things Bears, sarcasm (that people that now wear #50 on TCNJ don't understand), and love of the game (if it doesn't involve working in the uniform room at the game).

Fun Fact: I asked Toph to describe himself. Here's what he had to say: "How would I describe myself? Three words. Alpha male. Jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable. Just kidding. I took that from Dwight Shrute....But in all seriousness. I'm all of those things." I can attest to that.

Odds of victory: 12-1 (could be better, but I know he's ultimately going to pick the Bears)

Charlie the Cat

What he brings to the competition: Cat-like instincts like you've never seen before, hairballs, the opportunity to shame us all.

Fun Fact: Charlie makes his picks each week, by choosing between two treats (one predetermined to represent one team in a match-up, the other representing the opponent). If Paul the Octopus can pick every game in the World Cup correctly, this cat can pick every game in the NFL playoffs correctly. Besides, if Charlie does go perfect throughout, there's a good chance I can get some recognition for this blog and eventually go global by 2013 (even though I already almost have more readers in Israel than I do in America, according to my stats page).

Side note: Even a cat knows better than to pick the Seahawks.

Odd of victory: 20-1

What she brings to the competition: JT has the uncanny ability to defeat me in Jeopardy almost every night, even though I'm three years her senior. She doesn't follow the NFL that much, but I still expect to lose to her. That's just the way it goes. Primary reason you should never let your sister in a playoff pickoff contest on your website, when you're trying to gain credibility.

Fun Fact: Her favorite food is bread.

Odds of victory: 16-1 (odds of victory against me: 1-1)

What he brings to the competition: Creativity, more experience in age than anyone besides Homeless Bill, determination, and dance-moves like we've never seen before.

Fun Fact: MC is banned from my former college for life, but occasionally reappears on campus under the pseudo name, Deputy Detective Lester Peabody, from time to time.

Odds of victory: 10-1

Rone

What he brings to the competition: Composure, wittiness, experience, bias towards the Jets, perfect rotation on his jump-shot, and a gambler's mentality.

Fun Fact: I plan to average 12 assists per game in our YMCA Basketball League this year with the help of Rone's jumper. If you see "Michael Jordan's Secret Stuff" on the schedule, you might as well not even show up to the game.

Odds of victory: 8-1

Homeless Bill

What he brings to the competition: A full head of hair, a cardboard sign, and a hunger for third place.

Fun Fact: Homeless Bill is actually a fictitious person. Kind of. He's real (via Google search: homeless man), but he's not actually feeding me picks each week. But if the Cavs can hire a homeless guy in their organization why can't I? What's a good pickoff without a fictitious homeless guy anyway? So we'll use a coin flip to decide his picks (Tails: Home - cause it never fails, Heads: Away - cause it's not tails).

Odds of victory: 34-1

The CEO (Me)

I chose to be known as "The CEO," because I'm the CEO of Talbot Talks Sports. I'm also the CFO, the COO, the controller, the management team, the VP of marketing, the head of compensation, and the head of HR. Oh, and I'm in this thing, to win this thing.

What I bring to the competition: The competition itself. I planned/created it.

Fun Fact: My favorite fruit is a tie between watermelon and a strawberry.

Odds of victory: 30-1 (cause, well, we all saw how well I did in the playoffs last season (2-9)).

Good luck to all. Let's hope the new playoff overtime system doesn't screw us all over.

Images taken from Google Images

One Man. One Voice. One Golden Opportunity.

2011-01-05T10:56:00.000-08:00

NY Post - The homeless man with the "golden radio voice" wanted a second chance -- and did he ever get it.

As soon as Ted Williams, a panhandler who became an online hit after video of him begging on an Ohio roadside was posted to the Internet, appeared on a local radio show this morning the offers began pouring in -- including a dream job with the Cleveland Cavaliers and a free house.

"The Cleveland Cavaliers just offered me a full-time job and a house! A house! A house!," repeated a stunned Williams, 71, on local radio station WNCI.

A caller to the show who said she represented the Cavs offered Williams, who shot to stardom after local newspaper the Columbus Dispatch on Monday posted video of his perfectly-pitched panhandling, a full-time job doing voiceover work for the team and parent company and a free home in Cleveland.

The Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, native trained to be a radio announcer before drugs and alcohol ruined his chances at a career, and he was reduced to begging on the side of a road in Columbus, Ohio, before the newspaper found him.

Local police would refer to Williams as "Radio man," when chasing him from his usual begging spots, Williams said.

"I've been out there about a year; I just didn't know anything like this would ever happen," an overwhelmed Williams said earlier in the show. "There's so many words. I've already been characterized to [Scottish singing sensation] Susan Boyle ... I'm just so happy."

Before the Cavs made their bid, the station said a group of credit unions offered Williams a contract worth up to $10,000; a caller claiming to rep MTV expressed interest in having him guest-announce a show; and callers who said they were the voiceover actors behind plugs for "The Simpsons" and "Entertainment Tonight" said they wanted him to compete on their upcoming "America's Next Voice" -- where the prize includes a home studio.

For a man suddenly thrust from an Ohio roadside into the hearts of the world, Williams set his sights low.

"Just to get back to some normalcy and responsibility -- If I can a job, whether it's a twenty-five or even $18,000, I'd be happy," he said. "At least I know God has me where he wants me."

Well, it's official. The homeless man with the "golden" voice finally got his wish. He's got a job and a home. Move over Justin Bieber. You're not the only YouTube sensation to make it big. Say hello to newest employee of the Cleveland Cavaliers - formerly homeless man, Ted Williams.

Second chances are becoming a big ordeal these days. Everyone's looking for the next Mike Vick to come from the lowest low and reach the highest high for their organization. Even Michigan experimented with their towel boy. Talks have even emerged that Plaxico Burress might return next season to the Giants.

Now I just need ESPN to take me from the lowest of lows, this blog (I'm being modest, this blog is awesome), to the highest of highs, espn.com. It's only a matter of time.

One more thing to add. It's a shame, the Cavs didn't have this guy as a selling point when they wanted Lebron James to return to Cleveland. The "King" and the "Golden Voice" could have hooked up and become the greatest player/announcing tandem of all-time. There's no way Lebron's leaving that opportunity. There's just no way.

I Don't Wanna See That Either...

2011-01-04T21:24:00.000-08:00

This guy's enthusiasm fires me up. I want this guy on my team. He's not just gonna sit there and let the #1 answer slip away. He's beating his opponent to the buzzer every time...and another time after that. It doesn't matter if he's got nothing lined up in his wheelhouse. He's just winging it. Whatever comes to mind first, he's going with it. And he's doing it with enthusiasm and confidence. He just told Steve Harvey a burglar's #1 fear when breaking into a house is seeing a naked grandma when you get through the window. Heck, he was so adamant about it, he convinced me my #1 fear would be the same. His opponent feels the same way. "I don't wanna see that either."

The most surprising thing about this clip isn't the man's response, or that it turned out to be the #2 answer on the board. It's that it only turned out to be the #2 answer on the board. I guess the #1 answer would have to be the burglar seeing his own naked grandma.

Week 17 Picks...

2010-12-30T23:09:00.000-08:00

I crashed and burned last week with my picks. Things have been hectic with the holidays, planning for New Years and studying for the most difficult exam of my life. I apologize (mostly to Nunes) for my lackluster performance last week. I flipped a few of my picks last minute (Green Bay, Denver) and it cost me dearly. But the good news is. There's still one week left. And unlike the 2007-08 Patriots, I plan to finish this season on a perfect note.

I pray I'm wrong about the Packers and Giants games though.

Last Week: 6-10

Season: 143-97

Did Anybody See The Weather Report Yesterday?

2010-12-27T11:07:00.001-08:00

This guy was pretty stressed about it:

Week 16 Picks...

2010-12-21T22:25:00.000-08:00

Carolina at Pittsburgh (Thursday Night Football)

So apparently, in the last two years, Pittsburgh is 14-4 with Troy Polamalu and 4-8 without him. Aside from the fact this means the Jets win last week really wasn't that impressive, it also means Carolina could be a real contender this week with Polamalu out again. Oh wait, no it doesn't.

Dallas at Arizona (Christmas Special)

All anyone could ever ask for on Christmas is a Dallas-Arizona game, right? Santa, for Christmas, I really really want Larry Fitzgerald to get the ball rolling in my fantasy championship this week with 35 points. Studies show Larry Fitzgerald 35-point fantasy performances are a great stocking-stuffer. Just saying. There's extra cookies in it for you. Oh, and my opponent is Jewish (if that counts for anything in your book).

Washington at Jacksonville

Rex Grossman's last name best describes his quarterbacking skills: Gross, man! Boy am I lame sometimes. No wait, according to my Facebook account, under interests (last updated the summer going into freshman year of college), I'm interested in "partying". So I guess that makes me cool right? I laughed out loud at myself when I read that the other day. Everyone that friended me on Facebook that summer must of thought I was going to be "THE MAN!" coming into college. Even though I had like six parties under my belt at the time.

Detroit at Miami

My buddy parlayed 10 of my picks last week. $5 could've landed him $1532 (Yes folks, that's how powerful my picks are). Anyways, I really wanted to go 10-0 in those games so the only sucker in that sucker bet would be the institution running the gambling site. One of those picks was Miami over Buffalo. Another thing to note: My fantasy kicker is Dan Carpenter (the leading fantasy kicker this year). And I was looking for him to help lead my team to the fantasy championship. Well, not only did Miami lose 17-14 (killing my buddy's parlay), but Dan Carpenter was 0-4 on field goals! 0-4! We all could've been winners Dan! This is how I reacted when I saw Dan (a Dolphin) missed four field goals:

I was really mad at a whale for some reason too. And I turned Asian for a few seconds.

San Francisco at St. Louis *Upset Special

After an 0-6 start (keep in mind I predicted the Niners to finish 11-5 this year), the Niners might still actually win the division for me. They just have to win two division games against two of the worst teams in football. It's going to be a lot harder for them than it sounds folks.

Tennessee at Kansas City *Upset Special

It wouldn't be a football season if the team ahead of San Diego in the AFC West didn't choke in one of the last two weeks.

NY Jets at Chicago

A few weeks ago, Rex Ryan was quoted saying in a press conference that him and Tom Brady weren't all that different. "Tom's wife is a supermodel. And my wife is a supermodel as well (showing a picture of her in a magazine)". Had Rex had that same press conference this week, he might have said something along the lines of this instead: "Tom and I aren't all that different, ya know? His wife is a famous supermodel. And my wife is a famous foot-fetish YouTube sensation (showing one of her YouTube videos)."

New England at Buffalo

I don't even have to think about these New England picks anymore.

Baltimore at Cleveland

Was it just a few weeks ago we thought Cleveland was good? Now they're making me look bad with back-to-back losses to the Bills and the Bengals. Watch Peyton Hillis bounce back with another three TD performance like he had the last time I played my championship opponent.

Ps. How does giving up Ray Rice, Danny Amendola and Vincent Jackson for Frank Gore and Brent Celek a few weeks ago look on your end? Cause it's looking pretty bad over here? (I'm going for my third championship in six years. Trust me, I had a good plan when I made that trade).

Houston at Denver

Someone inform the Texans that they don't need to give opponents a 21-point head start every week. Broncos are surrendering 186.0 ypg on the ground in their last five games. Let's hope the Texans let Foster run loose.

The big question though. Was Tim Tebow's impressive play last week a sign of what's to come or just the "Law of Gus" making the game more interesting than it was expected to be on paper?

San Diego at Cincinnati *Gus Johnson alert

I'm pretty sure Cincinnati was "Akon-in-this-video" happy after their first win in 10 games last week:

Indianapolis at Oakland

Jacksonville slipped. You can't afford to slip with teams like Indy on your coat tails.

NY Giants at Green Bay

THIS was half of America after the Giants game last week.

I fear it's impossible for that loss not to linger in their psyche. I honestly believe we have the most talent in the NFC. We should be in the Super Bowl. But we're so f'n stupid sometimes that we might not even make the playoffs. This game will decide our fate. I've got faith in the G-men though. Word on the street is, they hired Danny Glover as a consultant for the team this week. I heard they're "going back to fundamentals":

Fundamentals? In the middle of the season? Hopefully it helps them avoid blowing 21-point leads in six minutes.

Seattle at Tampa Bay

I was leaning Seahawks because the Bucs have too many injuries on both sides of the ball. But Seattle is really fading fast, losers of six of their last eight. I'm gonna make a late audible and hope it doesn't backfire on me.

Minnesota at Philadelphia

Brett Favre is becoming the killer you can't kill in those murder movies. You hit him over the head with a lamp (hit him with a "sexting" scandal), he goes down. You take a few moments to hug your friends and rejoice that the worst is over. Then you turn around and his body is gone. Oh my gosh, he's not dead? Where is he? Then Dewie gives you a gun and you shoot him three times in the chest (severely injure his shoulder on a big hit), and he goes down. Rejoice! He's finally dead! Turn around. S**t! He's gone again. Damnit! I was sure we got him that time. What do you mean he was wearing a bullet proof vest? Just shoot him in the head! Shoot him in the head! It's the only way to get rid of him! (Maybe that headshot to the frozen tundra Monday night was the last we'll see of Brett.)

New Orleans at Atlanta

New Orleans is very serious about going to Atlanta to take back the division. So serious, they hired this guy to lead the "take back the NFC South" charge. We're not just gonna go to Atlanta!

Byahhhhhhhh!! I know better than to pick against Atlanta at home though.

Last Week: 10-6

Season: 137-87

The Only Thing (besides church) That Lifted My Spirits On This Aggravating Day...

2010-12-19T21:21:00.000-08:00

...was this wildly-entertaining video. It's so funny, yet so uplifting at the same time.

Giant Idiots...

2010-12-19T13:47:00.001-08:00

Dear New York Giants,

How in the world? How in the f**king world can you be that pathetic? I've never been more enraged after a sporting event in my life. That was the biggest f**king joke I've ever seen. 31-10 with less than 8 minutes left. 31 to f**king 10. And you know what? I wasn't even convinced we had the game at 31-10. Why? Because this team never ceases to f**king amaze me.

Where did you go wrong in this one?

Mario Manningham: Thanks for swinging the momentum towards the Eagles. Tom Coughlin said it best: "How the f**k did you drop that ball?" What way were you holding it that the ball just up and came right out of your hands while you were standing straight up? How is that f**kin possible?

Kenny Phillips: You haven't been a ball hawk once this year. Anytime you had a chance for a big hit you've taken it. Never once did you take a chance on an the interception when a big hit was right in front of you. I don't know if you got greedy, because you thought the game was over or what, but you killed us. Brent Celek. The guy has maybe 3 catches in the last 7 games, and you handed him an 80 yard TD. All you had to do was drill him. He bobbled the ball. That's an incomplete pass, the Eagles still have 80 yards to go and its 3rd down. Instead you take a chance on an interception, get yourself out of position for the tackle, blow the tackle and let the Eagles cut the lead to 14 in under 20 seconds.

Kick-return team/Coughlin/special teams coach/anyone in the Giants organization: Shame on all of you for being gullible enough to believe the thought of an onside kick never crossed the Eagles mind down 14 with 7 minutes left. You put your hands team out there no matter what in that situation. If they kick it off because your hands team is out there, so what, that's what you're hoping they will do. To give the Eagles a free, uncontested onside kick is a joke.

Giants defense: At least you made up for your coaches dumbass mistake by holding the Eagles offense to a TD in a minute and thirty seconds. An extra minute and 10 seconds longer than the last drive was an impressive stand.

Giants offense: Great run blocking, great pass protection, Gilbride great originality with the play-calling, nice blitz protection. That 3 minute drive really did the job.

Giants defense again: Way to hold 'em. How many times did Vick slip under a sack? 3? 4? 5 times? You know what works better? When you have a clean sack opportunity, just take him out by the legs. He is the most illusive quarterback in the history of the game. Why go low when it's the secret to tackling right? Ross, nice job giving up the edge so the containment scheme could fail and Vick could run for 30 yards on 3rd and long. Overall, good effort guys. It took Philly two minutes to go 89 yards and score. You're improving.

Giants offense again: Manning, suburb accuracy that last drive. I don't know if you have a complex against the Eagles that brings out the worst in you, but it's a joke. I know they sacked you 7 times in your first career start, but you won a Super Bowl since then. Be a f**kin pro.

Oh and last but not least...

Matt Dodge: I spent the 2 minutes leading up to your punt thinking, will Dodge drop the long-snap or will he kick it directly to Jackson. I was right about the latter. But at least you came through with a hang time of 0.4 seconds to give your special teams time to get 3 yards down the field on the coverage. You gave Jackson so much time, he had time to fumble the snap, run back and pick it up and still go untouched on the return for a TD. Only you Dodge, only you. I can't wait to see what you can come up with in the playoffs. Oh that's right. To quote Donald Trump, "You're fired!" on Monday. If not in the next six minutes.

Thank you guys. For allowing me to witness the most pathetic effort of all-time in the fourth quarter of an NFL game.

It's amazing how confident my dad and I were you would lose. We almost gave you too much credit, thinking you'd blow it on the first possession of overtime. But no, we were too experienced of fans. We'd seen this before. We couldn't call ourselves true Giants fans if we didn't already know Dodge and the special teams would f**k it up before the end of regulation.

Thanks for nothing.

Sincerely,

Bob

The "Why Hasn't ESPN Hired Me As An NFL Analyst Yet?" Week 15 Picks...

2010-12-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

San Francisco at San Diego (Thursday Night Football)

*"It's a Trap!" Game of the Week

Here's proof I got my pick in on time for this game:

Pretend I didn't say I almost took San Fran. Someone must have photoshopped that in.

So at 8-6, the Chargers are now a 1/2 game behind Kansas City for the lead in the AFC West. But Kansas City has a fairly easy schedule ahead. It looks like the Chargers may have dug themselves a hole (haha, a hole) too deep to get out of. Here's how Ron Burgundy, a life-long San Diego fan, feels about that:

Cleveland at Cincinnati

I just found out Toonces is a Bengals fan. I guess they have that feline connection. Someone stop him before he does something drastic:

In a way, Toonces plunge was a perfect representation of the 2010 Cincinnati Bengals.

Washington at Dallas

Top 5 people Tashard Choice is likely to ask for their John Hancock after the game:

1) Donovan McNabb - superstar when Choice was a kid (8 years ago)

2) Clinton Portis - a running back he probably modeled his game after

3) Daniel Synder - it takes quite a talent to be that bad as a GM

4) DeAngelo Hall - gotta respect his speed

5) We're cutting this list down to four, because I'm not sure who else plays for the Redskins

Houston at Tennessee

This is so great. Houston needs a win at Tennessee, at Denver, & home against Jacksonville to finish 8-8........again. I thought this was their year. But as I always say, much like Dippin' Dots, their success will be a thing of the future. Hopefully the Texans are more efficient. At 22 years and counting, Dippin' Dots still maintains their mediocre stance in the marketplace. Can you imagine if the Texans were 8-8 for 22 years in a row? I'm starting to think it's possible. On the bright side, if the divisions ever get re-aligned and the Texans wind up in the NFC West. At 8-8, they'd win the division like 18 of those 22 years.

Jacksonville at Indianapolis

This game actually means something? The Jaguars can lock up the division with a win? You kidding me? I have to admit I'm starting to really like the Jags. After all, they were my third favorite team in 5th grade. I named my scooter football team after them. Had a Brunell jersey and everything. (Side note: I was an All-American in scooter football. My career record was 11-1. I won a championship in 4th grade. I lost the championship in 5th grade on a missed game-winning field goal as time expired by about six inches. I missed the field goal. We were down big at halftime, but my inspirational halftime speech, "It's not over until the fat lady sings," helped charge my team for the comeback. And then I let our team down in the closing seconds in front of the whole school. They voted for All-Americans before the Scooter Bowl that year.) Anyways, I'm really impressed by the Jags right now. Do the Jags always give the Colts trouble? Yes. Do I think the Jags can win this division? Yes. But do I think Peyton Manning will let them do it on his watch? No way.

Kansas City at St. Louis

I really hope Matt Cassel plays in this one. I'm pulling hard for a four-way tie in the NFC West in which the Niners take the division at 6-9-1 (This can seriously happen).

Buffalo at Miami

I tried to find something appealing about this game. Here's what I came up with:

Buffalo WR Roscoe "Dash what's up?" Parrish returns to Miami where he went to college at the "U". Sounds like we're in for a real treat. Make sure you keep the volume on your TV "All the Way Turned Up" for this game. (I suddenly wish I was in Panama City right now)

Detroit at Tampa Bay

Drew Stanton leads teams to comeback victories and spoils playoff hopes. It's a fact. Don't believe me? Check his track record:

Drew Stanton's track record:

Dec. 12, 2010: Led the Lions to a come-from-behind 7-3 victory over the Packers and possibly spoiled their playoff hopes.

The evidence is all there. Tampa Bay ran into this one-man-playoff-spoiling crew at the wrong time.

Blackout Thursday's Game of the Week: ARZ @ CAR
(Awarded to the game most likely to be blacked out on television due to lack of fan interest)

Arizona at Carolina - *Upset?? Special (Can we call this an upset?)

Who wants Andrew Luck more? Steve Smith may purposely drop passes if it means getting rid of Jimmy Clausen. But can you really pick a team who's kicker is also their best quarterback and running back? I don't think so.

Breakout fantasy player for the Cardinals this week:

Ben Graham (punter)

Projected Stats: 14 passing yds, 1 TD, 1 INT, 3 carries, 13 yards, 0 TDs, 7 punts, 43.5 net avg., 54 long - 5.8 fantasy points

New Orleans at Baltimore

Really excited to see this match-up. Tells us a lot about where these two teams stand in the upper echelon of pro football right now. The Saints are quietly flying under the radar. This game gets them back on it.

Philadelphia at NY Giants - *Upset Special

I BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!! I BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Hey Michael! People don't forget."

Ps. I enjoyed DeSean Jackson's showboating on the 1 yard line Sunday night. It looked like Deion Sanders, perhaps the greatest showboat of all, was reincarnated on that Dallas turf.

Atlanta at Seattle

I know Seattle rarely loses at home, but they rarely beat any teams that aren't in the AFC or NFC West, and Atlanta might be the most complete team in football.

NY Jets at Pittsburgh *Bonus "It's a trap!" Game of the Week

The New York Jets. "Where Class Happens."

You'd think being surrounded by all these upstanding young gentlemen on the Jets, this guy would know better. But I guess one bad apple in an organization always slips through the cracks.

I like the Steelers in this one. Not as confident with the news that Troy Polamula isn't expected to play. Score one point for the team arguing the Jets have had a lot of luck this year.

Denver at Oakland *Gus Johnson alert

Denver has officially given up. At one point last week Jay Feely alone was beating the Broncos 22-3! The kicker! Jay Feely! He outscored Denver 25-13 for the game! That's how bad Denver is. That bad.

Also, after watching the owner of the Cubs pathetically do the work of his subordinates on Undercover Boss a few weeks ago, I got to thinking - If I could pick one sports owner to partake in Undercover Boss who would I want it to be? This week, it came to me. Al Davis, owner of the Raiders. Can we make this happen? Some people are speculating Al Davis is actually dead right now. Why? Well, the Raiders recently changed their slogan from "Just Win Baby" (Al's saying) to "Just Cut it Loose" (Cable's saying). They've limited the number of times they send their wide receivers on go-routes (the play Al demands to be run at least 20 times a game). And, well, I don't think anyone has seen Al move in six months. It would be so great to see him on Undercover Boss. I would imagine the episode would turn out something like this (with Bernie Lomax representing Al Davis of course):

Green Bay at New England

Matt Flynn vs. Tom Brady. Hmmm. Tough call.

Chicago at Minnesota (at the University of Minnesota)

This one expects to be a zero degree, wintry Monday Night affair. Third string quarterback Joe Webb vs. the 9-4 Bears. It's hard not to take Chicago in this one. I mean they looked so good last week in a snowy, cold, outdoor match-up versus the Patriots. Gotta take the Bears. Not because they're playing an inexperienced, young quarterback from Alabama in extreme winter conditions. But because the Bears were built for these elements. When the temperature drops, you can count on the Bears.

Last Week: 12-4

Season: 127-81

Winners! Winners! Winners! - My Week 14 Picks...

2010-12-08T22:08:00.000-08:00

At 37-11 in my last three weeks, my confidence level is this high right now! THIS HIGH!

If you haven't watched that video you need to go back and watch it. I repeat. If you haven't watched that video you need to go back and watch it. Heck, if you have watched it, go back and watch it again.

Indianapolis at Tennessee (Thursday Night Football)

Peyton Manning has 11 interceptions in his last three games! 11 interceptions! He's thrown 4 TDs in the last two games...to the opposing team! The Colts have lost 3 games in a row. I'm pretty sure the last time that happened I was still learning to read and ~~right~~ write (Okay, bad example). But still, it had to be a decade ago Peyton and the Colts were playing this bad. That's the bad news. The good news. Since leaving the Pats, teams with Randy Moss are now 1-7. Of those teams, the Titans are 0-4 with him. Manning couldn't have picked a better time to stumble into the home state of his alma-mater. I predict next week I write: Since leaving the Pats, teams with Randy Moss are now 1-8. Just a hunch.

Cleveland at Buffalo

Buffalo's biggest mistake last week was injuring Brett Favre. Somewhere Joe Theismann is saying, "You gotta protect the quuuuaaarrrtterrrrBBBBACCCK!" Especially when you're trying to beat the Vikings. Brett would've won the game for Buffalo. They obviously didn't watch any film before last week's game. Or maybe that game was God's way of saying, "Don't question my ways Stevie Johnson! Don't question my ways!"

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh

I know what you're thinking. Pittsburgh solidified themselves as the second best team in the league last week. Cincinnati has lost 9 in a row. You're thinking this is a blowout. But I'm so tempted to make this my upset special of the week. Last year Cincinnati would have came through for me. This year they're saying, "We could come through for you. Or we could just make more commercials and film a reality TV show."

Maybe "Hard Knocks" was the worst thing that could have happened to the Bengals. They liked having their show so much, they became actors first, and football players second.

Ps. Did anyone see Carson Palmer just take the sack to lose the game on Sunday against the Saints? He had no timeouts, there was 2 seconds left on the clock, and all his wide receivers were in single-coverage down field. What did Palmer do? He just stood there and took the sack instead of throwing it up to give his WRs a chance to make a play and win the game. Somewhere Pepper Brooks from Dodgeball is saying, "That's a bold strategy Cotton. Let's see how it works out."

Green Bay at Detroit

Why does it seem like every Lions' game ends in Jim Schwartz going ballistic about a call on the sideline? This team just seems destined to lose every week. Even when they're pretty good, they're still 2-10.

And check out Drew Stanton trying to "Teach Me How to Dougie." Somebody answer his request, and teach him how to dougie!

NY Giants at Minnesota

I've seen the Giants play the Vikings a few times over the years. And every time Eli throws three interceptions to Darren Sharper, two of which are returned for touchdowns. Well, good news - Darren Sharper no longer plays for the Vikings. There has been another constant in this match-up though. We (yes, I play for the Giants) always hold AP to around 43 yards on 20+ carries. But, we also always ruin that by giving up one 40-60 yard TD run for AP. I wish the stats could read Peterson, 20 carries, 43 yards, 0 TD / 1 carry, 59 yards, 1 TD (on one f*** up). But they don't. And Peterson likely will have another 50-yard scamper against us this week. So that's one point for us, one point for the Vikings. But, I do have something that breaks the tie:

We're eternally in Brett Favre's head. If Brett doesn't throw that pick and cost his team a shot at the Super Bowl title, there's a legitimate shot Brett could have (wouldn't cause he didn't have David Tyree) won the Super Bowl that year and retired from the game on top. Instead, the Giants picked him off, the Packers lost, Brett signed with the Jets, sent pictures of his little gunslinger to Jenn Sterger, ended that season on an interception, signed with the Vikings, ended that season on an interception, came back to the Vikings, the pictures surfaced, he lost a lot of games, and right now his status is unknown, but hey, if his season is over, it did end on an interception again. Giants 2, Vikings 1. I'm still a believer G-men.

Tampa Bay at Washington

Tampa Bay lost it's starting center and cornerback this week, and I'm still picking them. Ya know why? Because Washington is paying this guy $100 million:

Atlanta at Carolina

If the Eagles do make the playoffs (and keep in mind I hope they don't), is anyone starting to get really excited for a Falcons-Eagles match-up? I'd say my excitement level is on par with this:

Minus the pills, and the crying, and being scared.

Oakland at Jacksonville

Can this team realistically win the division race against Peyton Manning and the Colts? Yes. Did I pick the Colts to win the Super Bowl in the preseason? Yes. Does that make me want to throw my computer out the window when I read that column? Yes.

Seattle at San Francisco - Upset Special*

Somebody slap me if I'm wrong about this one. San Fran, the least you could do is make me look good picking you one time this season.

St. Louis at New Orleans

Normally we'd be talking about the "Madden Curse" right now, and how it was affecting Drew Brees' play and hurting the Saints as a result. And if you recall, the Saints were 4-3 at one point this year, struggling to compete with a lot of teams. That was until Jets fans reversed the curse on Drew Brees, and brought it upon someone else. We'll get to that in a moment...

Miami at NY Jets

A lot of people are probably expecting me to really lay into the Jets right here. I think they laid into themselves enough on Monday night. I've scoured the Earth looking for the wittiest thing to say about that game, and I've got nothing. The game shocked the wit right out of me.

I can say this though: Ladanian deserves the Jets "Play of the Game." And he's got a celebration to prove it. Quality first down bro. Quality.

One more thing. I think Jets fans got ahead of themselves again. And it cost their team the game on Monday night. The Jets fans I know like to get ahead of themselves on a consistent basis. Heck, the team does too. Case in point: 1) The Jets appear to think they won the Super Bowl last year 2) The Jets appear to think they already won the Super Bowl this year 3) Jets fans appear to feel the same way.

Well, I came across this photo last week:

Jets fans are so concerned with getting ahead of themselves, they already put Rex Ryan on the cover of Madden 2011. Thereby putting the Madden Curse on Rex Ryan and the Jets before this season even ended. They got so ahead of themselves they inadvertently cursed their team before they won the Super Bowl, and likely cost themselves the Super Bowl.

The Jets had no chance on Monday night if you really think about it.

Denver at Arizona

Pick your poison folks. Fact! Interim coaches win their first game this year. Fact!

Ps. Is former Bronco, Mark Schlereth's "'Stinkin' Good Green Chile" the best kept secret at ESPN right now? How was I not aware this existed? How has this not gone viral? Or did I miss this years ago?

Kansas City at San Diego - *Gus Johnson alert

I'm beginning to think the Chargers aren't going to Go! Chargers! Go! to the playoffs. But I do believe they'll string together a nice bounce-back game against the Chiefs. Doesn't mean the Chargers will win the division, because I think the Chiefs probably will. But I do think the Chargers will take this one in San Diego.

New England at Chicago - "It's a Trap!" Game of the Week

Last week, I ignored my "trap" game and took the Chargers to beat the Raiders. Well guess what? The Raiders beat the Chargers...handedly. This week, I'm looking my trap game right in the eye, and I'm still ignoring it's warning sign. This is a bad idea. But it's really hard to think a team playing as well as the Pats could lose right now. I'm going to prematurely accept defeat on this pick. But that won't help my win column. Cause I'm still taking the Pats.

Ps. The Bears dropped a spot in the power rankings after their win last week. If they win the Super Bowl, I'm half convinced they'll be ranked #4 in the final rankings the following week.

Philadelphia at Dallas

I expect DeMarcus Ware to create problems for Vick, but I still see the Eagles squeaking out a win in this one. I need you to win this one Dallas. I need to be wrong about this pick.

Speaking of things that are wrong, here's something that is so wrong it's right:

Roy Williams was quoted saying last week that he's "the most consistent wide receiver on the Cowboys." I laughed out loud when I heard this - thinking he couldn't be any more wrong. But then I got to thinking. You know what Roy? You're absolutely right. Each and every week you usually compile 1-2 catches for 7-16 yards. That is consistency when it all comes down to it. Touche Roy, touche.

In other news about this game, Michael Vick is the leading vote-getter for the Pro-Bowl this year. What are the odds? I wonder how the head of PETA feels about this?

Baltimore at Houston

As many of you may already know, for a long time I've been comparing the Texans to Dippin' Dots. Dippin' Dots has been the ice cream of the future for the last 22 years. The Texans have been the team of the future for the last five. I've always wondered, after 22 years, if the future would ever actually become the present and we'd prefer Dippin' Dots over, oh say, Turkey Hill. And I've always wondered if the Texans, the team of the future, would ever become the team of the present. If the Texans keep their abysmal play up, I'm going to have to pull the Dippin' Dots label off of them and start dubbing them "Space Ice Cream" - the ice cream we know will suck whether it be the past, present or future.

Last Week: 11-5

Season: 115-77

Week 13 Picks...

2010-11-30T20:48:00.000-08:00

No one has any idea what's going on in the NFL right now. Power rankings are changing every week. Analysts think they know who the best teams are. But they don't. How am I supposed to make picks when nothing that happens each week makes sense? Look at this chart:

I rest my case.

BUT....

I ran some tests and came up with a few complex algorithms, and I think I've cracked the code for this parity chart. Anything less than 16-0 this week will be a disappointment.

Houston at Philadelphia (Thursday Night Football)

Before I start. Is anyone actually going to watch this game? Lebron James is going to motha f****n' Cleveland that night. I repeat. Lebron James is returning to Cleveland. This should be on Pay Per View. I heard the first 10,000 fans get fake daggers to stab in their back. And guess what? It's burn your Lebron jersey night! At halftime, fans will pay tribute to the "King" with a bonfire at center court, giving each fan a chance to toss their old jersey into the blaze. These are just ideas coming to me right now and I'm not even a Cleveland fan. Imagine what they have in mind? Especially this guy:

By the way, is there any way Cleveland isn't winning this game? This may be my mortal lock of the millennium (not to be confused with Will Smith's hit CD, Willennium (Yes, that's a link to buy Willennium. Who wouldn't want that?)).

So there's also that football game on NFL network. About that. They say in competition it's "not about the size of the dog in the fight, it's about the size of the fight in the dog." Tell that to Cortland Finnegan. He got rocked by the bigger dog.

Oh s***, this is the Eagles game, now's not the time to be referencing "fighting" and "dogs". I'm sorry Mike. I like what you're doing with your second chance though.

Cut to Tony Dungy, shaking his head disapprovingly at me...

Moving on...

Washington at NY Giants

I owe an apology to the Giants for last week. I doubted them, and they proved me wrong. Which prompted this text from my friend, Rone:

"I saw you had a pretty good week with your picks...if only you didn't doubt your G-men it would have been a fantastic week haha."

As if it didn't hurt enough already. I'm a believer this week.

Denver at Kansas City

Head coach Josh McDaniels is cheating and Denver still can't win. How bad is this team? I'm taking the team that's playing Denver.

Jacksonville at Tennessee *Gus Johnson alert

Need I remind you what happened the last time Gus Johnson called a Jaguars game?

Gus nearly jizzed his pants. Gus' presence alone could turn Rusty Smith into a Pro-Bowl quarterback on Sunday. This was no question a Jaguars victory until Gus Johnson came into the mix.

I guess I'm gonnnnnnnnnaa goooooooo withhhhhhh theeeeeeee JJJJJJJAAAAAGUUUUUUUAAAAAAAARRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

San Francisco at Green Bay

This is me when I found out Frank Gore was out for the season:

He's on my fantasy team. There goes $20. I don't know if San Francisco is capable of getting to the 6-10 record they need, to win the NFC West without Gore.

Cleveland at Miami

I didn't have any "divine moments" this week that would encourage me to pick the Dolphins. But, they've kind of been one of my go-to picks all along this year. And I'm not gonna change that this week. They're only losses came to the Pats, Jets, Ravens, Steelers and Bears. I'm pretty sure this team is really good.

Buffalo at Minnesota *Upset Special

I could say a lot of things about Stevie Johnson and his message on Twitter the other day, but I'll let Bach Talk do it for you. My advice to him, in one sentence: Bills fans will "forget this," you should too.

On Minnesota's end. Interim coach Leslie Frazier helped Jenn Sterger's case this week:

Oh we believe it Leslie. We believe it all too well. It's no secret, Brett is comfortable being naked. I know that. You know that. Jenn Sterger especially knows that. It's a fact. He's also comfortable in his Wrangler jeans. After all, they're: "Real. Comfortable. Jeans." And I'm comfortable taking the Bills in this one. If Johnson doesn't drop that catch they're still the hottest team in the NFL right now.

Chicago at Detroit

Since Detroit already won this match-up in Week 1...

...as evidenced here:

I can't expect another upset victory for the Lions. I took the Bears as the underdog last week. I'll take them as the favorite this week.

New Orleans at Cincinnati

Drew Brees was named Sports Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year" the other day. I guess that means no athlete did anything impressive since February. Let's look at our usual candidates for this honor:

Derek Jeter - had a career-worst year and can't even get a contract extension from a team he brought four titles to.

Tiger Woods - spent the early part of the year in "sex addiction rehab," and won no tour events for the first time in his career.

Brett Favre - threw a trip to the Super Bowl across his body and away (literally), retired (again), came back, led the Vikings to a 3-7 start, and allegedly sent pictures of his junk to former Jets employee Jenn Sterger.

Lebron James - gave up on his team in the playoffs, made a spectacle out of his free agency, conducted a prime time event titled, "The Decision," so he could back-stab a city that stayed behind him his whole life on national television, while at the same time destroying the city's economy.

Huh. I guess it was kind of a down year for the usual candidates. Who knew this award would be decided in the first month of 2010?

Anyways, back to the game. Chad Ochocinco had this to say on Twitter this week:

It's bad when it's Week 12 and you just start to realize you need to straighten out your priorities. The Bengals of "Hard Knocks" have come and gone.

Oakland at San Diego

Your classic "trap" game. San Diego is coming off a 22-point slashing of the Colts on Sunday night. Analysts alike are already crowning them the "cream of the crop" in the AFC. This game has every ingredient for a San Diego let down. But if there's one thing I've learned over the past 3-4 years, it's that San Diego has no let downs during their end-of-the-season-perfect-streak runs. The first half of the season and the playoffs? That's another story. But "let-down" isn't in San Diego's vocabulary come November or December.

Carolina at Seattle

Every person still alive in their survivor league was probably down on their knees praying John Kasay would miss that game-winning field goal at the end of regulation on Sunday. Hey! Maybe that's why Stevie Johnson dropped the ball. God was so overwhelmed with all the prayers begging him to let John Kasay miss that field goal, he didn't get a chance to help Stevie out. Suddenly it all makes sense. You don't see John Kasay questioning God now, do ya Stevie?

Expect another disappointing ending for Carolina in Seattle.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay

All year I have refused to really give credit to either of these teams. And my picks are suffering because of it. Tampa Bay gave Atlanta a run for their money last time, but Atlanta is riding a streak of confidence right now. I'll take the better team on the road in this one.

St. Louis at Arizona

Boy was that one of the worst games of Monday Night Football I've ever seen. The Cardinals might be the worst team in the league. I will give them credit for one thing though. Damnit, their quarterback puts his heart and soul into each and every week. And it's no laughing matter.

Dallas at Indianapolis

What happened to the Colts? Yeah, they're decimated with injuries, but when did that ever matter? Since when is Reggie Wayne unreliable? He's dropping catches most anyone - with the possible exception of Stevie Johnson - in the league could catch. He's supposed to be Mr. Consistent. Something about the whole team and their demeanor is off. Start playing like Super Bowl contenders! I picked you pre-season to win it all. This is starting to get embarrassing.

These next two games mean something. I mean they're pretty much the most important game of the year for these four squads. The winners likely win their division and the losers are likely a Wild Card team. Which means, the winners would get a bye and the losers would likely play a healthy Colts or Chargers team on the road. Not exactly a spot I'd want my team in. I don't have to worry about it, but the Giants will find a way to torment me in another way.

Pittsburgh at Baltimore

I still think Pittsburgh is the better team. But, there's talk of Big Ben being injured this week, Baltimore is a great team at home, and James Harrison should pick up just enough personal fouls to put Baltimore in a position to win, and get him fined another $25,000 when it's all said and done.

NY Jets at New England

The Game of the Week. You know it'll be a close game. It always is in these divisional, arch-rival match-ups. So let's break everything down. I'll include stuff that you'll think probably doesn't matter, but trust me, it does.

I know Jets fans are going to say I never gave them a chance. But the truth is, you have to look at the facts. The Patriots constantly come through in big games. Their two random games this year were against the Colts and the Chargers. Those same games for the Jets were against the Broncos and the Texans. They're not battle-tested like the Pats are. And the Pats won all of those battles. They're a new team without Randy Moss. They're playing at home. And I think they want this one just a little more than the Jets. They don't take embarrassment very well. The Jets embarrassed them earlier this year. You think Tom Brady hasn't had this game circled on his calendar since 4:00pm that day? Sure it's next to UGG ad photo-shoots and hair plug treatments, but when he's on the field and away from Gisele, he comes to play. Yes Sanchez has been clutch, but I think this is a whole new level for him. The offense goes through him now, not the run game. Is he going to be able to make the big throws in a game of this magnitude when it matters? I'm not so sure. I know Tom will. But I don't know about Mark. The cocky and care free approach is all in good fun and it works against the lesser opponents. But it won't work against the Pats. They got practice off on Wednesday because they've been so focused all week. Bellichick never does that. The Patriots want this one more.

Last Week: 14-2 (season best)

Season: 104-72

Week 12 Picks...

2010-11-24T23:44:00.000-08:00

New England at Detroit

There hasn't been a close game on Thanksgiving since I was nine. In fact, there's been better games in my backyard. The last good Thanksgiving game I remember was a 19-16 Lions overtime victory over the Steelers. And the only reason the Lions won was because the referee said Jerome Bettis called "heads" on the coin toss, when all of America knew he called "tails." The Lions have lost six straight on Thanksgiving. They've been outscored 213-74 in that span. And they're 2-8 this decade. New England, on the other hand, is playing better than arguably anyone in the NFL. Their young defense is finally coming together and Tom Brady continues to make their young receivers look like Pro-Bowlers. Is this game the easiest game of all time to pick? It just might be. For this reason, I'm starting the Patriots defense and Wes Welker over Terrell Owens on my fantasy team.

New Orleans at Dallas

Dallas has won five of their last six on Turkey Day. They've won two in a row under their new head coach. Dez Bryant is a man-child. Earlier in the week, I was contemplating picking this as an upset. But this is the one chance I might get to see Dallas lose on Thanksgiving. That's so rare these days. I need this win New Orleans. I need it!

Cincinnati at NY Jets

10 months ago the Jets played Cincinnati twice in two weeks. The Jets outscored them 61-14 in those two games. Since then, the Jets have gotten better and the Bengals have gotten worse. Just ask TO:

It's fitting that the NFL Network would schedule this as the night game. After all, so far we've seen the Broncos beat the Giants 26-6, the Eagles beat the Cardinals 48-20, and the Colts beat the Falcons 31-13 in this annual match-up. Why wouldn't we get to see the Jets beat the Bengals 41-6? That's television at it's best.

Green Bay at Atlanta

This game will tell us a lot about the race for supremacy in the NFC. It's really hard to pick against Aaron Rodgers.

Pittsburgh at Buffalo

Watch out Steelers. The Bills are the hottest team in football right now (Sorry Dave). Be happy Gus Johnson isn't calling this one Pittsburgh.

Carolina at Cleveland

Great match-up for Survivor Pick leagues. I bet none of you have used Cleveland, and I bet all of you consistently pick whoever is playing the Panthers each week.

(Ps. Steve Smith (Carolina) was dropped in my fantasy league this week. And no one picked him up. He was a second to third round pick in most leagues. He's not even hurt. That's how bad Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen are. That bad).

Jacksonville at NY Giants

Derek Hagan, Duke Calhoun, Michael Clayton (yeah, the bust from the Buccaneers). These guys represent 3/4 of the Giants receiving core. Oh and Brandon Jacobs, our 265 lb. running back that tries to run outside and can't convert on 3rd and 1 is the new starter. It's great to be a Giants fan right now.

On a side note, Tom Coughlin and the Giants should be saying this about the Eagles this week:

Minnesota at Washington

I still think Tavaris Jackson should be starting this game. But now that the most hated man in the locker room (Childress) is gone, I think the Vikings rally for their new coach and win a game.

Tennessee at Houston

Since leaving the Patriots, teams with Randy Moss are 1-5 this year. Oh and the Patriots are 5-1. Bill Bellichick, the genius, strikes again.

Last week we learned that Vince Young throws interceptions and temper-tantrums. Jeff Fisher assuaged that problem, taking away his privilege to throw interceptions and attend team meetings. Young is now out for the season, and likely out forever in Tennessee.

If you want to learn how to blow games in the most heartbreaking way possible, call 1-800-I-Wanna-B-A-Texan.

But if Houston wants to be 8-8, and I know they do. They need to win this game, and they will.

Kansas City at Seattle

Your classic AFC/NFC West match-up. The ratings on this one must be through the roof.

Miami at Oakland *Gus Johnson alert

I really couldn't decide on this game. But last night, I met a girl that taught me the Dolphins' fight song and a weird fin thing they do. I'm gonna take that as a sign they're winning this game. Maybe they'll try running the ball over putting it all in the hands of their third string quarterback? Maybe?

St. Louis at Denver

Denver looked like a high school football team on Monday night.

Again, your classic AFC/NFC West match-up. The ratings on this one must be through the roof.

Philadelphia at Chicago Upset Special*

I think BachTalk just had a heart attack. The Giants exposed the blueprint for beating Mike Vick, but they were too stupid to fully execute it. The Bears are the one defense, athletically, that I find most similar to the Giants. I think they finish what the Giants started.

The head of PETA was elated the Giants had Mike Vick on the ropes last week. Then on 4th and 1, Lesean McCoy led Mike Vick to victory, keeping #7's MVP hopes alive. Here's how the head of PETA reacted on McCoy's 50 yard scamper:

Tampa Bay at Baltimore

Baltimore is flying under the radar right now. They're near the top of the power rankings each week, but no one is really talking about them. That's exactly where I'd want my team to be.

San Diego at Indianapolis *Upset Special

This is going against everything I believe in when it comes to making picks. The Chargers are on the road coming off a Monday night game. And Peyton Manning is playing on prime time television. But this is the time of year the Chargers go on a ridiculous perfect run to end the regular season. Yes, Norv Turner will lead them to lose to a lesser foe in the playoffs. But they will look damn good from here on out in the regular season.

San Francisco at Arizona

The biggest question in this one: How will John Gruden find something good to say about either of these teams? He finds a way to make every team seem like the toast of the NFL each Monday night. But there's literally nothing good to say about these teams right now.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Last Week: 12-4 (season best)

Season: 90-70

Week 11 Picks...

2010-11-16T22:26:00.000-08:00

Chicago at Miami (Thursday Night Football)

The "Return of Chad" lasted two plays. Him and Bob Sanders are the football equivalent to Greg Oden. Bless their soles. I know how you feel guys. My senior year of high school, I tore ligaments in my shooting hand a week before the opener. Some (myself) would argue my school missed out on a national championship, because of that injury. You always want to be there for your team week-in and week-out, but sometimes you just can't be.

Chicago is 5-2 when I pick against them. Bach Talk texted me this earlier today: "Just pick [the Dolphins]. If the Bears win, I get to taunt you. If the Dolphins win, you're happy and I beat you up." So just for that I'm picking the Bears. Odds are they won't win, and you can't beat me up if they don't. Totally foiled your plan dude.

Buffalo at Cincinnati

I picture this game ending like this:

It's not going to be pretty. It will be close. Down the stretch something absolutely ridiculous will happen. And in the end, Gus Johnson will make it exciting as hell.

Detroit at Dallas

This might be my "mortal lock of the century." I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure that without Gus Johnson announcing this, there's literally no way Dallas can lose. Kinda funny that the Lions two best players (prior to this season) in the last five years are lining up against them (John Kitna and Roy Williams). Sure the Lions were 0-16 with those guys at the helm, but it's the guys surrounding them (Dez Bryant, Miles Austin, DeMarcus Ware) the Lions should be worried about.

Washington at Tennessee

On Sunday, it appeared Donovan McNabb signed a 5 year, $70 million contract with $40 million guaranteed. That night Donovan lost 59-28 to his former team, at the hands of the third string quarterback he mentored the year before. All while the man Philadelphia kicked him out of town for, Kevin Kolb, watched from the bench. The next day we learned that McNabb's contract is only really worth $3.5 million guaranteed. I think it's safe to say McNabb is having one of the worst weeks ever.

Tennessee was bad last week, so they'll be good this week.

Arizona at Kansas City

"Eff You" game for Todd Haley. Sure the "eff you" is directed at Josh McDaniels and the Broncos for running up the score against them last week. But you think Todd Haley cares? The man is heated. It's a shame the Cardinals had to be the sacrificial lamb in all of this.

Green Bay at Minnesota

If Minnesota wins, I think Brett Favre retires. The closest thing he'll ever have to going out on top is beating Aaron Rodgers in a regular season match-up in Week 11. Haven't we learned over the last three years that Brett doesn't want to retire? I think he throws this game.

(Ps. For a guy that cares so much about helping his team win, he has an awful way of showing it. Don't you think if he really wanted his team to win, he wouldn't play on a broken ankle and a shoulder that needs surgery? Oh the records don't matter to you Brett? Then why won't you sit out, rest up and play healthy down the stretch? Why did you come back to make sure your interception record was out of reach? I hope Tom Brady loses this week. If he ties and then breaks Favre's record of 25 straight wins at home, the old gunslinger might die trying to re-break that record.)

Houston at NY Jets

I could say a lot of things about the Texans right now, but I'll let Tom Hanks some it up for all of us:

Oakland at Pittsburgh

Did I ever think Oakland at Pittsburgh would be the hardest pick for me this week? No way. A wise man told me Oakland's success is highly-dependent on its run game. Pittsburgh has the best rush defense in the league. I'll give the "Steel Curtain" the nod.

Baltimore at Carolina

You know your team is bad when most people pick whoever is playing you over whoever is playing the Bills in their survivor pools.

Cleveland at Jacksonville

Both hot hands right now. Cleveland lost last week. Jacksonville is still on a heater. And you never leave the table on a heater.

Tampa Bay at San Francisco

"Operation get to 6-10 and win the NFC West" moves one step closer to mission accomplished.

Seattle at New Orleans

Two weeks ago I dubbed the Saints/Carolina game the "Return of Reggie." I obviously didn't check the injury report. This week I know Reggie really wants to play, and I think he will. Pete Carroll has taken no blame for the USC recruiting scandal. Instead, he stepped aside and let all the blame fall on Bush. Something tells me Reggie will be high-stepping into the end zone this week. If he doesn't run out of bounds and clock Pete in the face first instead.

Atlanta at St. Louis *Upset Special

Simply for the fact that every team that suddenly has a case to be the new #1 (see ESPN's power rankings), instantly gets upset the next week.

Indianapolis at New England

Did we ever think this match-up, Brady (2176 yards, 17 TDs, 4 INTs) vs. Manning (2663 yards, 16 TDs, 4 INTs), would be a match-up between the NFL's second and third best quarterbacks? And that the quarterback ahead of them both...might be Michael Vick (1350 yards, 15 TDs (4 rush), 0 INTs, 115.1 passer rating, 341 rushing yards - in 5 1/2 games!)?

NY Giants at Philadelphia

Footage of the head of PETA was captured during last week's Monday night game, while Michael Vick put on a performance for the ages. CLICK HERE to see it.

Denver at San Diego

John Gruden's "Corny Saying of the Game":

"San Diego came "charged up" to win this game!"

John Gruden's "Player of the Game":

Everybody on the field. Cause John Kruden literally praises every player on the field during Monday night games. Expect him to say something like this: "Brandon Lloyd? Boy is this guy special. He's got speed like a gazelle out there Jaws. And the softest hands around. Boy would I like to have a guy like Brandon Lloyd on my team. Yeah, he's a real player."

Last Week: 8-6

Season: 78-66

Week 10 Picks...

2010-11-10T17:52:00.000-08:00

Baltimore at Atlanta (Thursday Night Football)

For the simple reason that the AFC is superior to the NFC. Atlanta is undefeated at home, but a few of their wins haven't been pretty. The Buccaneers were one yard away from victory against the Falcons last week, and the 2-6 Niners were a Roddy White stripped fumble away from upsetting them in Hot-lanta earlier this year. I think this is a good game, but defense prevails. It's a shame half of America won't be able to watch this one, as it airs on the NFL Network. It's a good match-up. Enjoy staring at the game cast online people.

Detroit at Buffalo

Buffalo is playing their heart out right now. They're really giving it their best. Sean Connery has a message for the Bills:

Take down the Lions, Buffalo! Go f*** the prom queen!

(Side note: Has there ever been another time when an 0-8 team has been favored to win by 3 points, when they weren't playing another 0-8 team?)

Minnesota at Chicago

Everyday it's a new Viking that hates Brad Childress. First Percy Harvin gets into a confrontation with him at practice. Now quite a few players are stepping up and saying they have a problem with Childress. Where's a leader like Jackie Moon when you need one?

I'm still taking the Vikings.

NY Jets at Cleveland

The Jets are due for a good game. The Browns are due for a bad one. Looks like Rex moves to 3-0 against brother, Rob.

Tennessee at Miami

All I can say is, Tennessee better have a damn good caterer. I think Chad Pennington shines in his return. The man's never a thrown a ball farther than six yards. You never lose that. It's like riding a bicycle or tying your shoes.

Cincinnati at Indianapolis

I honestly feel bad for the semi-decent teams that roll into Indy following one of the Colts' losses. It's just not fair. Especially when they're on a short week after a Monday night loss to the Steelers.

Houston at Jacksonville

Highest scoring game of the week for sure. It's gonna be 35-28, or 38-35 when it's all said and done. Last man standing (in other words: last team with the ball) wins. I think it's the Texans.

Ps. I think it's safe to say the Texans are still comparable to Dip n' Dots. Both advertise to be the king of the future (one in football, the other in ice-cream). But how long can a team say that before we start to stop believing that? Will the future ever become the present for either? I'm not so sure.

Pss. Gus Johnson is calling this game. There is no way this isn't a shootout. The possibilities are endless for how this game might end. I'm gonna say Joel Dressen returns an onside kick 37 yards for a touchdown to seal the deal. When Gus Johnson is at the mic, anything is possible:

Carolina at Tampa Bay

Tampa Bay gave Atlanta much more trouble than I anticipated. Carolina is contemplating benching Matt Moore for Jimmy Clausen. That would mean they benched Moore for Clausen, then benched Clausen for Moore, and then benched Moore for Clausen again. Two times in one season they're benching a guy for another guy that's already been benched by the guy they're benching now. That's when you know there's a problem.

Kansas City at Denver *Upset Special

Even in defeat, Kansas City looked good last week. I never thought the AFC West would be evenly matched from the top down while Rivers and Gates were still in their prime. Denver, at 2-6, seems to be the worst of the group. Since starting off 6-0 last year, they're 4-14. Josh McDaniels let go of Peyton Hillis - who can't be stopped - and added Laurence Maroney - who can't get going. They're doing all the wrong things. But, I still think this team has potential. I also have a hunch that in the "Mile High" city, they'll steal one from a Chiefs team that isn't ready to be at the top yet, and open the door for Oakland or San Diego to take the reigns.

Seattle at Arizona

I'm going to give the nod to the home team. I care so little about this game, I'm not even going to research it. We'll just say the home team's going to take this one.

Dallas at NY Giants

The injuries to the Giants' offensive line are starting to add up, and it's starting to scare me a little. But every time I watch this team and I think about where they could finish this season, I: CLICK HERE.

St. Louis at San Francisco

If they don't start winning now, the Niners will never get to 6-10 and win this division.

New England at Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh's really come a long way. Just a few weeks ago Big Ben was pissing everywhere in public and assaulting girls on a weekly basis. Now they're the closest thing to a clear-cut favorite for the Super Bowl. Funny how quickly things change. Speaking of things that changed quickly. How quickly did analysts realize they jumped the gun on deeming the Patriots the best team in the NFL?

Philadelphia at Washington

I once knew a guy with all the talent in the world. He played on one of the biggest stages in college football, the Sugar Bowl - and shined there. His draft stock instantly rose to the top of the leaderboard. Al Davis and the Raiders took a chance on him. Only he failed miserably, was eventually cut, and fell into some hard times with a drug problem.

Me: "You know who that guy was Danny?"

Danny: "No."

Me: "Take one good guess."

Danny: "Jamarcus Russell?"

Me: "(Laughter) Nooo, no that guy was Mitch Cumstein, my roommate. Good guy."

Okay, you're right. It was Jamarcus Russell. And things are so bad in Washington that they actually held a tryout for him last week. I think it's safe to say Washington has a problem. And I'm not talking about the government.

Last Week: 9-4

Season: 70-60

Quite Possibly the Greatest Sports Video Ever...

2010-11-07T22:18:00.000-08:00

Above we have footage of Eagles head coach Andy Reid at age 13 in a Punt, Pass and Kick contest. The footage was aired during the Colts-Eagle game earlier today. I couldn't contain myself with laughter when this came on. He is literally twice the size of the other competitors!! Literally twice the size!! An absolute mammoth of a child. How many passports and birth certificates did this guy need show to get approved for this contest? "You're 13-years-old? Really? Thirteen?" The man looks no younger than 46, and I think I'm being generous. Just look at the little kids standing behind him. Unbelievable!

Word on the street is, Andy needed to borrow a uniform from a player on the Rams, because the P-P-K officials didn't have any uniforms that could fit him. Something tells me the guy he borrowed it from was a 346 lb. defensive tackle.

Of all the video flashbacks I've ever seen in my near 20 year history of watching sports, this is by far, hands down, my most favorite one ever. I promise I will incorporate this video in as many blogs as I can going forward.

When I look at Andy Reid from now on, no longer will I see a poor time manager, with a high propensity to lose challenges, waste timeouts, and cost his team the game. No, no, no. When I look at Andy Reid, I will forever see the 13-year-old mammoth of a boy, who's parents obviously slipped HGH into his Cherrios.

Images taken from Google Images and barstoolsports.com

Week 9 Picks...

2010-11-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

Tampa Bay at Atlanta

Flash forward to Tampa Bay's press conference at 4:30pm eastern time on Sunday:

Raheem Morris: "We're the second best team in the NFC!"

Chicago at Buffalo* My Upset Special

As I was driving back from Connecticut last Sunday, I stumbled across the official radio station of the Buffalo Bills. Man was it depressing. I mean I really felt for Bills fans. The Giants were pretty damn bad during my childhood, but 0-7? Even "Big Blew" wasn't that bad in the mid-to-late 90s. As they took callers, I was expecting fans to talk about how much they sucked. But instead, they were all pleased with the effort the team was giving on the field. It's no secret, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Fred Jackson and Steve Johnson don't lead the Pro Bowl ballets. And could I name one player on their defense?

(Thinking....)

Takeo Spikes? I'm gonna say no.

So it's pretty respectable the way this team has played the last two weeks. I've been thinking all along, this is the week for them. The Bears aren't playing like they're 4-3. The Bills have the worst rush defense in the NFL, but the Bears don't run the ball! It's just not a Mike Martz thing to do. Who better to give the Bills the big turnovers they need than Jay Cutler? And what better place for the Bills to win, than at a home game in Toronto (just to make the win a little less sweet, and prevent Bills' fans from having a heart attack from the overwhelming joy)?

I think the Bills can do this. In fact, any doubt I had that the Bills might not have what it takes disappeared when BachTalk, a long time Bears fan, told me tonight that he thought the Bills were going to win. It's their destiny.

New England at Cleveland

Look at Cleveland standing up for themselves. Good for them:

I feel like this is a sign, telling me to take Cleveland over New England. Or maybe it's saying, don't take Miami over Baltimore. Or maybe, this video just has nothing to do with football. Yeah, I think I'll take it as that.

So who do I take?

I almost forgot. The Browns suck. Thanks for reminding me dude.

Miami at Baltimore

Miami's only losses have come to the three best teams in the NFL in my opinion (Steelers, Jets, Patriots). A loss to the Ravens will round out the top four. Tough schedule. This is a great team.

NY Jets at Detroit* My Upset Special #2

I keep going back and forth on this one. Earlier this week, I really thought the Lions could pull it off. They're the hardest sub-.500 team to pick against in my opinion. Calvin Johnson is a mismatch for Revis. But, I don't see why Ryan wouldn't put Cromartie on Johnson instead. Cromartie's size and athleticism would limit Johnson's production substantially. There's no way Best is running the ball on the Jets' front seven. It's hard to imagine how the Jets would lose. The Lions' defense is really underrated. They could potentially shut down the Jets offense. Should I just go with a 0-0 tie? I guess I'll stick with my gut, as all pick-makers should. I'll say Calvin's skills are better than Cromartie's skills, and I'll give the nod to the home team.

New Orleans at Carolina

Carolina made this a game in their first meeting. New Orleans seems to have the wheels back on track though. We'll call this one the "Return of Reggie." I'm feeling a 7-yard TD reception out of him in this one. Mark it down fantasy owners in search of a running back to fill your starter's bye week. Mark it down.

San Diego at Houston

Because they're even finding ways to win with the worst special teams, maybe, ever.

Arizona at Minnesota

Never bet against a team with a coach that already knows he's fired, a quarterback that's halfway retired/involved in a sexual harassment scandal, a #1 wide-out that's hobbling on an injured ankle, a defense averaging less than one sack a game, a caterer that makes food Randy Moss wouldn't feed to his dog, and an organization that thinks they're so good they'll give away their 2011 3rd round draft pick just to prove it. You just can't bet against a team like that. It's science.

NY Giants at Seattle

The Giants' front four is so good, they knocked Matt Hasselbeck out of the game three days before kickoff. The Giants are coming off their bye week (6-15 all-time), they're playing at Qwest Field, and they're playing against Seattle's backup quarterback. Trust me. As a Giants fan, this has all the makings of being a loss for Big Blue. They always lose after their bye, I don't think they've ever won at Qwest Field, and I don't think I've ever seen them beat a backup quarterback. This is like the "Perfect Storm" of ways the Giants generally torment their fans. I'm gonna try and maintain faith though.

(Ps. There's actually a tribute to Charlie Whitehurst on YouTube. I never would have guessed that.)

(Pss. Seattle fans would rather start Whitehurst and lose than start Hasselbeck and risk further injury. How intimidating is this front four?)

Indianapolis at Philadelphia

Let's consult the game-picking rule book:

Article 1, Section 4:

"You never pick a road team on short rest after Monday Night Football."

However, it seems there is a clause:

Amendment #18:

"Article 1, Section 4 always remains true. Unless you're picking against Peyton Manning."

Kansas City at Oakland

According to video footage, Al Davis is alive and well. And so are the Raiders.

(Side Note: There's no telling when the footage was actually taken, so we can't be sure Al hasn't been dead for six months.)

Dallas at Green Bay

Roy Williams expects the Cowboys to run the table, win nine straight, and win the Super Bowl. I expect Blake Lively to ring my doorbell in the next 30 seconds, saying her car broke down and she needs a place to stay for the night.

(Waiting...)

(Still waiting...)

Didn't happen. And neither will your prediction Roy.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati

TO had this to say about the Bengals performance last week:

"Well, I don't really want to start anything, but I did play in the Super Bowl and there were rumors where [Donovan McNabb] couldn't get our two-minute offense going at the end of the game. I'm just saying."

Oh that's right, TO cares about everything except the Bengals. Funny thing about the rumors TO is mentioning? He was the one that started them in the first place a few years ago.

I think what I'm trying to say is. How am I going to pick against the #1 team in my power rankings, when they're playing a team that's best players are more concerned with Twitter, TV careers and grudges that should have ended years ago?

Oh that's right I'm not. I'm taking the Steelers.

Last Week: 7-6

Season: 61-56

Vikings Waive Randy Moss...

2010-11-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

ESPN - Randy Moss was waived by the Vikings on Monday just weeks after Minnesota traded a third-round draft pick to the New England Patriots for the receiver.

Vikings players said Monday that coach Brad Childress told them that Moss "is no longer with us."

Linebacker Ben Leber told the Star Tribune that Childress didn't give the team a reason for Moss' ouster from Minnesota.

"No reason, really, [he] just wanted to give everybody a heads-up and say this is what's going on, and that's it," Leber told the newspaper. "He didn't really dive into any details, and just said that's what were going to go with."

Moss will be on waivers for the next 24 hours. The Patriots, who own the NFL's best record, would only have a chance to claim Moss if the NFL's other 31 teams pass. If Moss isn't claimed he will be free to sign with any team.

Moss' exit from Minnesota was first reported by the NFL Network.

He also criticized the Vikings for not heeding his advice on certain plays the Patriots were likely to use against the Vikings.

On Monday, Childress disagreed with Moss' asertion that the Vikings ignored the receiver's advice.

"I think we did a pretty good job of heeding it, both offensively and defensively," Childress said, according to the Star Tribune. "He gave us some windows into how we thought they would end up playing. That's obviously in his eyes."

Moss had not spoken to reporters since Oct. 13, taking a $25,000 fine from the NFL for failing to cooperate with the media. The money didn't sway him to open up last week in the days leading up to his return to New England, which traded him to the Vikings on Oct. 6.

In four games with the Vikings, Moss had 13 receptions for 174 yards and two touchdowns. The Vikings were 1-3 in those games, including Sunday's 28-18 loss at New England.

______________________________________

So you're telling me Randy Moss may be a New England Patriot again in the next 24 hours? If that's the case Bill Bellichick is an evil genius. It's hard to fathom this is really possible. The Patriots might have Randy Moss (for less money), starting alongside Deion Branch and Wes Welker now. And they get to keep the third-round draft pick they got for Moss? How does that make sense?

As great as that would be for Patriot fans, it looks a little far-fetched. They might be regretting their undefeated record without Moss right now. Since his departure, the Patriots took over the NFL's best record, which means every team in the NFL would have to pass up on Moss' contract for him to fall to the Pats. I'm not sure what kind of money other teams are working with, but I would have to imagine the Chargers or Redskins would want to take a shot at Moss if they could. I could also see the teams that love locker room bad boys and cancers take a shot at Moss as well, i.e. the Cowboys, Bengals or Jets (could you imagine that?).

Let's take a look at the teams that get a first shot at Mr. Moss:

1. Buffalo Bills (0-7)

Could Moss be TO 2.0 for the Bills?

2. Dallas Cowboys (1-6)

Why wouldn't the Cowboys get another WR for me to fear?

3. Carolina Panthers (1-6)

How much would Moss love going from Hall-of-Fame QB Tom Brady, to Hall-of-Fame QB Brett Favre, to Jimmy Clausen and Matt Moore?

4. Denver Broncos (2-6)

You could have told me the Broncos were 5-3 right now and I would have believed you. When did they lose six games?

5. San Francisco (2-6)

Could this propel the 49ers to 9-7 status and crown them NFC West champs?

6. Cincinnati Bengals (2-5)

VH1 is chomping at the bit right now. They're so excited they can't even take it.

Other notables:

10. San Diego Chargers (3-5)

They wanted him anyway. This time they don't have to give up any draft picks.

17. Chicago Bears (4-3)

I don't know, this whole we can win it with a 5'11" #1 wide receiver thing hasn't panned out over the last couple years. Maybe Moss can be what Mushin Muhammed never was for them.

19. Seattle Seahawks (4-3)

25. Kansas City Chiefs (5-2)

Straight from the mouth of Bach Talk: "Maybe a contender trying to get over the hump like Seattle or KC."

28. New York Jets (5-2)

I get nightmares just thinking about it. You know Rex Ryan is thinking about it. How many more stars can align for the Jets if this happens?

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2)

Freeman can throw the ball a long way. Plus, I don't know how, but the Bucs have the third best record in football. Is this team good?

32. New England Patriots (6-1)

For obvious reasons.

My favorite quote of the afternoon:

"The Vikings basically traded a third round pick for three losses." - Joe Gervino

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2010-2011 Minnesota Vikings!

Week 8 Picks...

2010-10-31T01:24:00.000-07:00

Miami at Cincinnati

Jacksonville at Dallas

Washington at Detroit

Buffalo at Kansas City

Carolina at St. Louis

Green Bay at NY Jets

Denver at San Francisco

Tennessee at San Diego

Tampa Bay at Arizona

Minnesota at New England

Seattle at Oakland

Pittsburgh at New Orleans

Houston at Indianapolis

Last Week: 6-8

Season: 54-50

Week 7 Picks for the School of Soft Knocks...

2010-10-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

Since every NFL player and analyst made comments about the rule changes regarding hard hits this week, I'm going to choose not to contribute to the debate.

My only question on the matter: Is HBO going to have to change the title of it's hit summer series "Hard Knocks" to "Soft Knocks" next year?

To the picks...

I'm inching closer to good graces after my 8-6 performance last week. Let's ride this turnaround until it's dead. With the games as tough as they are this week, I'll take another 8-6 right now.

Cincinnati at Atlanta

Cause I have faith Marvin Lewis gave this speech to the Bengals after they lost two weeks ago (before TO and Ochocinco ran off to film reality television):

Washington at Chicago

Cause even Albert Haynesworth could get a sack on Chicago's offensive line.

St. Louis at Tampa Bay

Cause the Saints brought the Buccaneers back down to Earth last week:

San Francisco at Carolina

Cause San Francisco has to win the next 10 games to go 11-5.

Buffalo at Baltimore

Cause they're playing Buffalo.

Philadelphia at Tennessee

Cause I want Michael Vick back at quarterback, and a loss to Tennessee under Kolb might be his only hope.

Jacksonville at Kansas City

Cause the Jets should have lost last week and confirmed the theory I found that "you-never-pick-the-road-team-on-short-rest-after-Monday-Night-Football" works pretty well.

Pittsburgh at Miami - *UPSET SPECIAL

Cause no one on Miami's defense contemplated retirement this week.

Cleveland at New Orleans

Cause Cleveland's whole offense is out with a concussion.

Arizona at Seattle

Cause this week marks the three-year anniversary of the time Marshawn Lynch "ghost-rid the whip (or trainer's cart)."

New England at San Diego

Cause people are starting to think the Chargers might actually suck, and the referees always find a way to get the Patriots a "W" in this match-up.

Oakland at Denver

Cause Oakland lost to the Niners last week. That's just embarrassing.

Minnesota at Green Bay

Cause Brett Favre would rather lose his 289-consecutive games started streak for sending pictures of his "little gunslinger" to Jenn Sterger than lose to Aaron Rodgers for the first time.

NY Giants at Dallas

Cause I'm 0-6 in my Monday Night Football predictions this year and I want the Giants to win.

Last Week: 8-6

Season: 48-42

Tough Pill To Swallow...

2010-10-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

The Yankees are 27 outs away from calling this season a failure. While a miraculous turnaround is conceivably possible (as the Red Sox showed us just six years ago), it's safe to say there will be no comeback for the Yanks. The looks on their faces last night said it all. This team doesn't believe in themselves. Over the last three games, they've had no answer for the Rangers. Without a miracle 5-run comeback in Game 1, this series would already be over, and in dominating fashion. The Rangers have stalled every Yankee rally, and answered every Yankee punch with a harder punch-back of their own. From the perspective of a true fan, it's been nothing short of disappointing. I'm not angry, I'm not sad, I'm truly disappointed. This isn't the same Yankees team I came to grow and love. The team that always came through for their home crowd - no matter the odds. Apparently they buried that Yankee magic with the old stadium. I know they won a World Series last year, but with the money they spend to get the talent they have, they should win every year.

What disappoints me the most is the lack of "want" the Yanks have demonstrated. They don't seem like they want to win. The Rangers want to win. That's evident. But when TBS shows the Yankee dugout, it's a wash of sulking faces, wallowing in their own depression. No one is cheering the others on. No one is trying to pick anybody up. The ones that can't get a hit are consumed by that, and the ones that can get hits are consumed by the fact that no one else is coming through for them. Last year the Yanks were known for their resilience. I didn't see it as much this year, but they were still resilient. After all those comeback wins, the classic interview statement was that "With these guys, [they] never feel like [they're] out of a game." Yet every time they fall behind Texas, the "I'm-not-sure-we-can-overcome-this" faces come right back out. Texas has showed the resilience. They've had the answer to every Yankee rally.

We need to see that Yankee resilience right now. If they don't show it right off the bat in Game 5, there won't be a chance to show it until next April.

________________________________________________________

Whatever comes out of this season, one belief of mine will never change. The belief that Joe Girardi should be fired. Whether we lose Game 5, take it to Game 7, win the ALCS or, against all odds, win the World Series, my stance on this matter will not change.

Girardi is single-handedly doing whatever he can take make this road easier for Texas. And the fact of the matter is, he's been doing it since Day 1. The naysayers will say he helped lead us to a World Series championship last year, but the truth is, I could have led us to a World Series championship last year. Our line-up is a fantasy team. Our pitching rotation - the same. Oh, and we have Mariano Rivera in the bullpen.

For some reason, and I'll never know why, Girardi needs to over-manage. Maybe he wants to feel like he's contributing to the game, since he didn't as a player once Posada came to town - I really don't know. But it's a devastatingly huge issue. From the seventh inning on, a Yankee lead is never safe. And it's all because of Girardi's need to mix-and-match lefty-lefty and righty-righty match-ups. It drives me crazy.

Andy Pettitte, aside from one bad pitch, threw an absolute gem in Game 3. Exactly what we needed from him. Then we turned to Kerry Wood in the eighth (which made sense), who promptly retired the side. Wood was "dealing" on the mound. After the Yanks came up empty-handed in the bottom half of the inning, I braced for the foolish decision my friends and I knew Girardi would make. Josh Hamilton was due up, and he's a lefty. Kerry Wood is a righty. No matter the circumstance, something compels, I mean really compels Girardi to make pitching changes in these situations. Even though Hamilton was the only lefty due up in the next six batters, with Guerrero, Cruz, Kinsler (all righties) looming behind him, Girardi took the ball out of a dealing Wood and put it into the inexperienced hands of lefty Boone Logan. Now it's not like Boone Logan is a specialist by any means. Lefties around the league don't fear the guy. And it's not like Hamilton can't hit lefties. He batted .359 this year, he can hit anybody. But even with all these things considered, or I guess probably not considered in Girardi's case, the Yankee manager still went to Boone Logan, knowing full well this was the only batter he would face regardless of the outcome (Think about how quickly this strategy could exhaust your bullpen - but that's a story for another time).

So what happened? The inexperienced and probably petrified Logan, threw three straight balls to Hamilton, before eventually surrendering a double. After that, Girardi came back out of the dugout, took the ball from Logan and brought in Robertson. More inexperience!! Robertson surrendered hit after hit. Then came in Mitre. Six runs later, the Yanks are down 8-0 instead of 2-0, entering their last at-bats. Why would you ever take out Wood, who was dominating, so you could have Logan and Robertson pitch instead? It was such a disservice to Pettitte, who pitched such a great game, keeping the Yanks in it until the very end. All his work was meaningless, because of terrible coaching decisions that took away any chance the Yankees had to come back in the end. But at least Girardi got to learn from his mistakes right?

WRONG!!!

Flash forward to Game 4. When Burnett seems to be done - as evidenced by his near wild pitch on an intentional walk - Girardi leaves him in the game. What do you know? Burnett misses his first pitch location by two feet, and the result is a three-run, series-crippling home run. Burnett could have been a hero. Girardi might have even been a hero for starting him. But another ill-advised managerial move and the Yankees find themselves in trouble again. But it gets worse. Who did Girardi turn to when the game was 5-3 and still very winnable in Game 4? Chamberlain, Robertson, Logan and Mitre. The same guys that gave the Yanks no chance to win the game the night before, surrendering six runs in their short work, redeemed themselves by surrendering five runs in their short outing the next night. Really? The same guys that screwed up last night and didn't show a wink of ability to get the Rangers out, didn't get them out again? Shocking. By taking any hope of victory out of the Yankees hands, the bullpen and Girardi single-handedly psyched their own team out of that game. That's the point where we started to see those sulking faces. If it was close, you would have seen that chatter and players trying to pick each other up. Instead, it was silence in the dugouts, silence at the bat, and there was no chance to create that spark that would ignite the fire behind the Yankee bats for the rest of the series.

I forgot to mention. In Girardi's defense, Robertson was "dealing" last night on the mound. Two quick outs to start the seventh in dominate fashion. But then, Girardi ruined the only thing he did right with his bullpen this series. Why? Josh Hamilton was up. And that compelling feeling overcame him. He HAD to put a lefty in to face him. After all, no righty could ever get a lefty out (Side Note: A-Rod (a righty) is 0-12 against lefties this postseason. Girardi must think that's an actual miracle - as it goes against everything he believes in). So in came Boone Logan, the man Hamilton doubled off of the night before. The result? A towering home run for Hamilton. Good thing you went lefty-lefty again Joe. 2-2.

At least he probably learned his lesson again though right?

A compelling feeling tells me, no.

Images taken from espn.com

Week 6 Picks (I Promise, No Brett Favre Dicks)...

2010-10-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

So around 3:30 pm last week, I take a glance at the out-of-town scores and see that I'm less than a quarter away in every game from going 8-1! And the only one I had wrong so far was the Giants (my team) beating the Texans. I was essentially 9-0. When I pick the Giants to lose, I want to be wrong. Anyways, I was originally skeptical to look at the scores, because I was afraid I might jinx myself. But I looked anyway, and guess what?? I jinxed myself.

Moments later...

Carson Palmer helped lead Tampa Bay back in the game. Then when overtime seemed almost a lock, Palmer helped Tampa Bay win the game (prior to the extra quarter) with yet another interception.

Green Bay blew a 10-point 4th quarter lead, and a rare Aaron Rodgers interception set up the game-winning FG in OT for Washington. Oh and Mason Crosby missed a game-winning 53-yard FG off the post as time expired.

So the next thing I know, 8-1 quickly became 6-3. Then in the afternoon games I witnessed my heavily-favored picks fall to lesser foes.

The Chargers hadn't lost to Oakland in 13 years. But three fumbles in the red zone, coupled with two blocked kicks in the first 4 and 1/2 minutes that put the Bolts down 12-0 before they even knew the game had started, gave them no chance to keep the streak alive.

The defending Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints lost to a rookie quarterback without the Cardinals even scoring an offensive touchdown.

And lastly, the Cowboys, coming off a bye week at home in a near must-win game, lost to the Titans.

And that's how I was 6-6 going into the night games. Brett Favre's lack of magic and probably dignity for that matter cost me one of those games. And alas, I was 7-7 in Week 5.

So what good came out of this week? Well, I learned a few things.

First off, I was happy to see my Niners and Bears theory actually worked! I was 2-0 baby. Secondly, I learned that I hate the New York Jets more than Brett Favre - even in a week America learned he sent pictures of his dick to a smoke-show Jets employee two years ago. He's married and a father by the way. I now have a measurement for how much I hate the Jets. I seriously can't stand them that much. Finally, and most disappointedly, I found the Niners first loss (and my first win) bittersweet. Over the course of picking them to win every week, and constantly seeing them disappoint me, I've grown to really like their team. I want to see Singletary succeed, I've always liked Frank Gore, Vernon Davis is on my fantasy team, Michael Crabtree is one of my top-5 favorite college football players of all-time, and Patrick Willis recently became my "favorite-defensive-player-that-I-watched-for-the-first-time-last-night" a few weeks ago. They're a fun team to watch when they're at their best. And they have so much talent. When Alex Smith went into "Eff-you-I-refuse-to-let-David-Carr-come-in-and-end-my-disappointing-career" mode at the end of the Philadelphia game, they outscored the Eagles 14-3. It could've been 21-3 too if Smith's screen pass to Gore wasn't batted down in the final minutes. At 0-5, I'm not counting them out of this division. It's going to be an uphill battle, but I think they can take down the Rams, the Seahawks and Max Hall's Cardinals. That's five wins right there. At this point five might be enough to win the division.

To the picks...

Seattle at Chicago

If the Bears are good enough to win when their quarterback goes 6-16 for 32 yards, 4 INTs and a net of -13 yards after sacks are factored in, they can beat anyone in my book. Oh, it was against Jimmy Clausen and his 0-5 Panthers??? Well, in that case, I'll take the Seahawks in this one. The Bears are due for a classic disappointing Bears loss aren't they? They'll probably under-utilize Forte again, even though he showed last week that even three years deep into the league, he's still got it (For those of you that don't know that was a joke. Cutler's ability to throw - mostly for interceptions - continues to shield Forte's talent from the eyes of offensive coordinator Mike Martz). But maybe I should I think this one through a little bit more. The Seahawks have played well every other week. They're last game was a 20-3 loss to the Rams. This one should be a win. Or did they practice well in their bye week, and now they're gonna suck again? Oh and I'm supposed to take the opposite of what I think is gonna happen. Decisions...decisions. I think I'm over-analyzing this right now. Seahawks.

Miami at Green Bay

I was gonna say Dolphins if Rodgers is out, Packers if Rodgers is in. But I'm just gonna say Dolphins either way. Just a hunch. (Side Note: Rodgers is in. I'm sticking with the fish)

San Diego at St. Louis

Let's take you back to something Michael Silver and I said last week:

"If a team has the league's No. 1 offense and defense four games into the season, how much does it have to screw up to go 2-2?" I'll take "Cut Everyone Associated With Your Special Teams" for $500 Alex.

On the fact alone that the Chargers still haven't fired their Special Teams coordinator I should take the Rams. But they lost 44-6 to the Lions last week. That's how bad the NFC West is. Go! Chargers! Go!

Baltimore at New England

Last time I picked New England to beat Baltimore, they got spanked in the playoffs. Kicking off my playoff picks to forget last year. And I think Baltimore widen the gap between these two teams even more.

They say it's not good to pick teams on the road. I've taken all four roads team thus far. And I wonder why I'm fighting to stay above .500 this year.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay

Divisional game. The whole world has even the Saints believing they might be overrated. They need that running game. It really opens up their offense. I'm going to say that without it, they lose again this weekend. (Never thought I'd pick Tampa Bay to win a game this year. Let alone against the Saints. Watch them win that division though. That division crowns a new champ every year. Although, I think it's the Falcons' division title for the taking)

Detroit at New York Giants

After two weeks of shunning them, it's finally time to let the Giants back on my good side.

Atlanta at Philadelphia

The Eagles announced Kevin Kolb as their starter today. I'm sure Vick's disappointed he can't take on the organization that kicked him to the curb. So the question of the week is: Would Vick rather see the organization that abandoned him win to ensure he keeps his starting job next week OR his team win, when it could cause coach Andy Reid to rethink starting Vick from here on out?

Cleveland at Pittsburgh

I would love to see Big Ben lose on Sunday. Imagine if Pittsburgh fans were so shocked by a Steelers loss to the Browns that they protested Charlie Batch should assume the role of starter?

That would almost be as bad as having to listen to your stadium chant "David Carr" on national television, because they thought your performance was that pathetic (Sorry Alex Smith).

Kansas City at Houston

Houston is letting me down. I appreciated the loss

to the Giants, but I didn't expect them to get dominated. Not only that, but they hardly even ran the ball. Sure the Giants got a big lead right off the bat, but there was three quarters left in the game. There's no reason to screw my two fantasy teams over because you're down 18 to the Giants. Don't let that happen again. The running game is what gave you those three wins Houston. Recognize that. Hard to pick against a Kansas City team that plays as hard as they do. Weis and Crennel are doing a great job. I said coming into this season that I thought the Texans were over their curse of mediocrity though. A win here would be a big win towards that cause.

Oakland at San Francisco

I know I'm supposed to pick against San Fran, but I think the curse was broken last week. This is their time. They will feast on these divisional opponents. Their schedule has been tough thus far. Here comes the turnaround. No San Francisco fans will be saying this on Sunday.

NY Jets at Denver

So, I'll be the first to admit the Jets are pretty damn good. They have that luck factor that all good teams have to have. The ball just rolls their way when they need it to. I'm afraid to see how far they go. With this being said, I hear you never pick the road team on short rest after a Monday night game though. I figure the Jets are the best team to try this methodology on. I'll be rooting against them anyway. Here's more incentive.

Dallas at Minnesota

Not sure if you're supposed to pick against the home team on short rest after a Monday night game or not. Did we ever think this match-up would be a match-up of two 1-3 teams fighting for their life? With all the parity in the NFL right now, this is hardly a life-or-death game, but it's getting close to that. I'll take Randy Dandy in his return home. I really, really hope I'm right.

Indianapolis at Washington

Washington seems to elevate their game on Sunday and Monday nights. In saying that, those are usually divisional games. Oh, and you know who else elevates his game on Sunday and Monday nights? You guessed it, Pierre Garcon. That Manning guy isn't bad either.

Tennessee at Jacksonville

Just a terrible game to advertise. I'll be watching for Maurice Jones-Drew fantasy points. The teams in the AFC South usually play competitively against each other, so this could really go either way. Titans played well against the Cowboys. Jacksonville beat the Bills and recently beat the Colts. Is it possible the Jags could have a three game winning streak entering Tuesday? I'm gonna say, oddly enough, yes.

I'd like to end with a special farewell to John Carney, former, former, former place kicker for the New Orleans Saints. The man's been used more times than Jennifer Aniston. Every time a Saints kicker sucks, they bring John back, only to send him off when the next Angelina Jolie of kickers walks by. He misses one field goal in place of Hartley and off he goes again. Sorry John. So long. I doubt this is last we'll see of you. Even though you're like 64 years old.

Last Week: 7-7

Season: 40-36

NFL Quarterly Review...

2010-10-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

So I kind of pulled a "Matt Hasselback" with my picks last week:

I guaranteed a great week of picks, encouraging all my readers to parlay every Week 4 game in line with my picks. It didn't quite work out. I went 7-9 again. It's safe to say I'm a little embarrassed. Since my Week 1 picks (11-5), I'm 22-24. I've been two games below .500 two of the last three weeks. That's unacceptable. I wouldn't even make the playoffs with that record. Unless I played in the NFC West. I'm a couple bad weeks away from tarnishing my reputation as a picks guru. If there's ever a time to take a step back and think things through, it's right now.

Taking a look at the standard deviation of my picks (I can do that stuff cause I'm an accounting guy), one outlier sticks out the most. The 49ers and Bears are killing me! Between those two teams, I'm 0-8. No matter what I pick, I get it wrong. I'm starting to realize that's because I keep picking the 49ers to win, and let's face it, it seems to be their mission to be the most underachieving team in NFL history. Take their games out of my picks and I'm 41-21 instead of 33-29. So I think the best hope for my picks right now, would be for me to never pick the Niners again. Then I'll just pick the opposite of what I expect to happen in the Bears game. Kind of like I do each March for the Clemson first round match-up in my bracket. No matter what, for the rest of my life, I'm picking Clemson to lose in the first round. A southern, die-hard Clemson fan named Brint once told me that Clemson is incapable of winning big games. He made me realize that in life, only a few things are certain: Life, death, taxes and Clemson first-round March Madness losses. I've gone against my gut twice in the last two years and picked against Clemson. And I'm 2-0. Thanks Brint. Sorry Clemson still sucks. So if I treat San Fran and Chicago like Clemson - Bam! A four point swing every week.

So now that I think I solved the problem, it's time to get to my quarterly review. Like I said, I'm an accounting guy, I'm entitled to do things like quarterly reviews.

My AFC Playoff Predictions:

AFC East: New England Patriots (11-5)

Actual Record: (3-1); Record to be a match: (8-4)

AFC North: Baltimore Ravens (12-4)

Actual Record: (3-1); Record to be a match: (9-3)

AFC South: Indianapolis Colts (12-4)

Actual Record: (2-2); Record to be a match: (10-2)

AFC West: San Diego Chargers (11-5)

Actual Record: (2-2); Record to be a match: (9-3)

Wildcards: Houston Texans (10-6), Actual Record (3-1), Match: (7-5); Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6), Actual Record (3-1), Match: (7-5)

Serious threats to my parade: Kansas City Chiefs (3-0), New York Jets (3-1); Long-shot threat: Denver Broncos (2-2)

Some things to note:

1) I had the Chiefs slated in at a (5-11) finish. That means they only need to go (2-11) here on out for me to be right. So you're sayyyyyyyingggggg there's a chance. I said I was only 95% confident my predictions were perfect, alright!?

2) Randy Moss no longer plays for the Patriots. Mark Sanchez answered my call out and got serious about being a good quarterback. The Jets offense looks better than their defense and they add Santonio Holmes and Darrelle Revis back this week. Things are looking good for my AFC East prediction. S#!%

3) If there's ever a team that can finish 10-2 to end the season, it's the Indianapolis Colts. Hey Kansas City. Remember the first time the Colts lost this season, and a pissed off Peyton Manning led them to a route over the Giants? Good luck preserving that undefeated season? To quote Matt Silver of Yahoo! Sports: "Should the '72 Dolphins just pop the champagne already, or does this team have a shot in Indy against the ticked-off Colts?"

4) My surprise Wild Card pick of the Steelers might not have been ambitious enough. Big Ben isn't even back yet, and this team already looks geared for their third Super Bowl in six years. Resist the young girls Ben! Think of it like a museum. Do not touch the work of art.

5) Don't look back Houston! Give the ball to Foster. Throw it up to Johnson. Improve your defense. You can do this!

6) Michael Silver is getting a lot of love today. Here's another quote that sums up the San Diego Chargers: "If a team has the league's No. 1 offense and defense four games into the season, how much does it half to screw up to go 2-2?" I'll take "Cut Everyone Associated With Your Special Teams" for $500 Alex.

My NFC Playoff Predictions:

NFC East: Dallas Cowboys (11-5)

Actual Record (1-2); Record to be a match: (11-3)

NFC North: Green Bay Packers (12-4)

Actual Record: (3-1); Record to be a match: (9-3)

NFC South: New Orleans Saints (12-4)

Actual Record: (3-1); Record to be a match: (9-3)

NFC West: San Francisco 49ers (11-5)

Actual Record: I'd rather not say. No seriously, come on, I don't wanna say it. (0-4); Record to be a match: (11-1)

Wild Cards: Minnesota Vikings (10-6), Actual Record (1-2), Match: (9-4); New York Giants (10-6), Actual Record (2-2), Match: (8-4)

Serious threats on my parade: Atlanta Falcons (3-1), Chicago Bears (3-1), Philadelphia Eagles (2-2), Washington Redskins (2-2), all of the NFC West; Long-shot threat: Tampa Bay (2-1)

Some things to note:

1) When I originally made my predictions, the Falcons were mathematically ahead of both the Vikings and Giants. Because I'm a Giants fan, I added a loss to the Falcons record and bumped the G-Men ahead. That might have been a bad idea. Although Jay Cutler would say I made the right choice (if he wasn't concussed right now). Keep all that in mind, looking ahead though, because the Falcons look real good.

2) The Saints really don't look that great. Sure they're 3-1, but they barely escaped the 0-4 Niners and the wrath of Jimmy Clausen and the 0-4 Panthers. Didn't look great against a suspect Vikings team either. Oh and congrats to me for drafting Garrett Hartley in both my fantasy league's this year. This marks the second consecutive season my kicker has either been cut or replaced by a 46-year-old. Last year I turned one of the best kickers in the history of the sport into one not worthy of playing for an NFL team. This year, I took a guy who only missed two kicks all of last season, a guy that sent his team to the Super Bowl on a game-winning kick, and turned him into the worst kicker in the NFL. I'm cursed when it comes to fantasy kickers. If you read my fantasy column, you know why.

3) The Cowboys are 1-2, and I'm not mad about it. Analysts still believe they're the Super Bowl favorite. Wade Phillips still can't believe he has a job as a head coach in the NFL. And I believe it's time for Jerry Jones to step down as owner and coach the team. Wouldn't it be fun to see the boss handle all this supposed talent? "Now Dez you see that star on your helmet (in a southern accent)? That means you're a Cowboy. And the Cowboys won football games in the 70s and 90s. You know what that means? It means we can win one playoff game in 13 years and still get analysts to dub us preseason Super Bowl champs. Now you wear that star with pride. And carry my clipboard."

4) Randy Moss is a Viking again. Inteeeerrrressssssstttttinnnnnng. Who should be the really happy about this? Percy Harvin.

5) Really trying not to address the Niners right now.

6) "The NFC West: Where the chance to have a sub-.500 team make the playoffs happens." Now that I've come to terms with the Niners likely not finishing 11-1 this season, I turn my attention to the remarkable NFC West race at hand. The favorite to win the division might be rookie quarterback Sam Bradford, and his 1-15 team of last year, the St. Louis Rams. We also have the

bi-polar Seahawks who route good teams and get routed by bad teams. Then there's the Arizona Cardinals, who, against all odds, are 2-2 right now. Lastly, there's the 49ers. At 0-4, they're still, in many analysts' opinion, the favorite to win the division. Has an 0-4 team ever been the favorite to win the division? Is that one of the craziest things I've ever heard? Yes. But do I think the people that believe this make a strong argument? Yes. Because it's the NFC West people. I'm hoping the Niners take down the division at 6-10, barely edging out the 5-11 Rams, Seahawks and Cardinals. It could seriously happen at this point.

The Quarterly MVP (brought to you byyyyyyyy Top Spot Promotions, because it's the only company supporting this website right now):

Arian Foster, RB, Houston Texans

Is this guy happy he drafted him in both of his fantasy leagues? You betcha.

Hold on, we haven't had a Michael Silver quote in a while. Let's see if I can find one. Yep, here's one: "When Arian Foster skipped that team meeting last week, was he actually attending a Raiders defensive meeting?"

That's how good he is.

(Honorable Mention: Antonio Gates)

The Quarterly D-Bag (brought to you byyyyyyyy OG Paper, because our contract ended and I'm pretty sure you didn't pay me for the last month of advertising):

Braylon Edwards, WR, New York Jets

See: Driving, Drunk.

(Honorable Mention: Phillip Rivers - How he did not win this award amazes me. All of America watched Rivers curse out teammates and kick footballs on Monday night Week 1, and he still lost this award to Braylon. Everyone knows I think Rivers is the biggest d-bag in the league and I'm the judge of this award and I still picked Braylon. How can you even look at yourself in the mirror at night Braylon?)

Questions on my mind:

Do the Pats realize that although Moss' numbers have been down this year, the double-teams he drew in coverage were what made him the most valuable asset to their offense?

Is Andy Reid going to say he's staying with Michael Vick as his quarterback, announce him as the starter one week, then change his mind and name Kevin Kolb the starter in the same season he said he was staying with Kevin Kolb as his quarterback, announced him as the starter one week, and then changed his mind and made Michael Vick the starter that week? (There's a confusing sentence for ya)

When will people realize Jahvid Best is an overrated fantasy player?

(Aside from one 33 yard run, Best has 49 carries for 141 yards - 2.9 yards per carry. Take out the longest run for all of his contests and look at the numbers: Wk 1: 12 carries, 9 yards; Wk 2: 16 carries, 45 yards; Wk 3: 6 carries, 10 yards; Wk 4: 11 carries, 40 yards.) Nothing to write home about folks.

So do I have any doubts about my preseason predictions thus far? (Let me see: the Niners, Chiefs, Colts?) Nah, I'm still fairly confident everything I predicted is 95% right.

Through one quarter, it could be a lot worse right now. Am I right?

Be sure to check out my picks embedded in the column as always.

Last Week: 7-9

Season: 33-29

Week 4 Picks...

2010-09-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

After a brilliant start, my picks took a blow in Week 2. Sometimes you just need a reality check. I think the pick gods were afraid I might drive Vegas to bankruptcy, so the only solution was a 7-9 week for me. Last week, I flipped that score to go 9-7. I'm ready to get back into double digits though. Seriously, I just plan on dominating this week.

But before we get to my picks. There are some things I need to discuss.

1) Are the Kansas City Chiefs seriously 3-0 right now?

Great googely moogely they're a surprise. Chargers, Browns, Niners. Four weeks ago, I'm thinking, "Boy three weeks from now the Chiefs are going to be 1-2" (this is a hypothetical situation, because I never think about the Chiefs). Now I'm trying to gather whether or not this team is for real. The 3-0 record they boast looks mighty fine in the AFC West right now. They've already got a 2-game lead on everybody. Let's not forget though, the Denver Broncos were 6-0 last year and didn't make the playoffs in that division. Now, I slotted the Chiefs at 5-11 in my preseason picks this year, so I'm going to need them to go on a 2-11 snide right now. With crazy, drunken fans like these, and if there are any monsoons in the forecast, I don't see them falling apart that badly. I'm just gonna consider this one a minor glitch in my near perfect 2010 predictions. Also, before you say the Chiefs are for real, you gotta ask yourself - "Can the Chiefs really hold this team off?":

2) Did anyone see this McClain hit two weeks ago?

Wow! Enough said.

3) And while we're on the subject of "Did anyone see this", did anyone see this referee last week?

Was this guy struggling or what? He looks like he's trying to tell the ruling on the field to Adriana Lima or something.

4) Braylon Edwards is a true role model.

Let's get the facts straight. Braylon Edwards got a DWI early, last Tuesday morning for blowing a .16 on the Breathalyzer. He was driving two teammates. He admitted to having drinks. And he's lucky he didn't get anyone killed. Oh wait. There's more. He's also been caught going 120 mph on the open road. He beat the s#!% out of a 130 lb. man in Lebron's entourage without any real cause. He partied with Donte Stallworth the night Stallworth killed a person while driving drunk. He's a notorious trouble-maker. And I had to listen to countless Jets fans call in on the radio and defend this guy???? I mean really? Not only does this defend the age-old saying that "Most Jets fans are d-bags" (not a real saying, but it could be, ya never know), but it just goes to show how ignorant and stupid people in this society can really be. My favorite argument of the week, from a Jets fan: "Everybody drinks and drives, Braylon should be allowed to!" Convincing point buddy.

What really makes me mad, is the almost equally-disappointing crime that came out of this whole story. That crime being that the Jets thought they could pull a fast-one on society, just because they know the league wouldn't do anything about the incident before the Dolphins game. "Oh there's nothing we can do about it, we have to play Braylon." No you don't. The coach has every right to sit whoever he wants. One quarter versus the Dolphins? That's so pathetic. You're condoning a guy who's BAC was .16, when his good buddy killed a man (the night he partied with Braylon), with a BAC of .12. What does it take for a guy to learn a lesson? According to the Jets, not starting, but still playing against the Dolphins. One quarter? Which probably only came as a result of all the media attention they were getting. I wouldn't have been surprised if Rex put him out there on the second play of the game. What did Braylon learn? Better yet, what did the team learn? Rules don't matter if you can catch the football.

Then Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum has the gall to say, "I'm not sitting him because of the drinking, I'm sitting him because he was out so late." Oh really Mike? So how come you didn't sit D'Brickashaw or the other Jets player in the car? Were they not out partying with Braylon until 5:15 in the morning? The whole organization is a joke. Hard Knocks did nothing, but inflate their bad boy egos and attitudes. Who cares about what's right and wrong as long as you're winning?You're seriously going to complain about SpyGate when Mangini was caught doing the same thing and you run the organization the way you do now? It doesn't surprise it's run this poorly either. Woody Johnson doesn't know a thing about running an organization. His stake in Johnson & Johnson was all inherited. Then there's Tannenbaum who once said, "We [the Jets] only want people with character on our team." All of a sudden rumors swirl that Tannenbaum's job is on the line and he completely loses his morals, buying into Rex Ryan's controversial style as long as it means "W's" and he gets to keep his job. The Jets and the fans that defend their actions make me sick.

Oh, and thankfully, Edwards showed us just how much he learned when a 67-yard TD that was handed to him by a fallen defender ended in Braylon doing "the Dougie" - the same celebration that got him a taunting penalty the week before. The kid is just class in a football uniform.

I decided to put that portion of the article in the middle, so I could still have time to lighten the mood before you finished reading this.

5) San Francisco, you're making me look like a rah-tard.

I have you winning you're division handedly and advancing to the second round of the playoffs! I picked you every week in my picks and I'm picking you again this week! You're trailing the Rams and the Cardinals (who don't have a real quarterback I might add)! I'll forgive you for Seattle, even though you got routed by them and the Chiefs. What gives? My readers are laughing at me. And it's your fault.

And the Giants!

6) Remind me again why I'm Giants fan?

Is it because they lead the league in personal fouls? No. Is it because Eli has six interceptions this year, five of which are off dropped passes by wide-open receivers? No. Is it because Perry Fewell ran a defensive scheme with one real linebacker and two safeties playing linebacker against the Colts for three quarters in a row unsuccessfully, without ever feeling the need to change things up? No. Is it because Kevin Gilbride is the worst and most predictable offensive coordinator in the NFL? No. Excuse me, while I go run into oncoming traffic.

What are the odds that suburban road was empty at 1:00am? Well, I'm back.

7) Why is Mark Sanchez playing well?

Hold on. I'm going to give the oncoming traffic thing another shot.

0-2.

8) Is giving my row free hot dogs during a Giants game, one of the two times I haven't sat in my seat while attending the game some sort of sick joke?

You know what that means? My Aunt Nancy said it best. "Now they don't have to give our row anything for another 75 years." A hot dog totally would have hit the spot at that juncture of the game. Right before the Giants rallied for 4 personal fouls, 19 unanswered points, a few turnovers and a safety. Man I coulda used that hot dog. I paid thousands of dollars for my PSL and I miss my free hot dog?! Damnit world! How are you gonna do this to me at a time Mark Sanchez is playing well?! Damn you! (Does this make me sound fat or cheap? Both? You're probably right. Just a big fan of free stuff, that's all).

9) Are the Bears for real or did they kind of beat the Lions and the Packers had 468 penalties against them Monday night?

Sorry, BachTalk, I'm not buying it yet. You said it yourself, "They didn't deserve to win that game." But something can be said for luck in the NFL. Great teams catch luck along the way. They find a way to win it in the end, even when it's not pretty. The Bears caught their luck early. The "Calvin-rule" and the "fumble-that-somehow-avoided the sideline"/"468-penalties-the-other-way" are the difference between the Bears being 3-0 right now and 1-2. The

one thing they've got going for them? Their next two games are against my Giants and the Panthers. 5-0 is a must for them. I think it would certainly mean a potential trip to the playoffs, but they're still definitely not Super Bowl contenders in my mind. I'm going to the game with BachTalk on Sunday. My only hope is the Bears are so cocky after that win that they forget to prepare for the Giants. Then again, a Pop Warner team could probably forget to prepare and beat the Giants right now. Okay, so let's change that to my only hope is the Bears are so cocky and enamored by their win on Monday versus the Packers that they forget to show up on Sunday against the Giants. Yeah, that works better.

10) How many more times are we gonna say Dallas is the most talented team in football before we realize they've won one playoff game in 13 years?

My guess is never. My favorite analyst quote from the weekend: "Dallas hops back on the train towards the Super Bowl." Really?? A team in a must-win situation. A "Wade-Phillips-has-to-win-or-he'll-be-fired" (Version 7.0) situation, defeats a Texan team riding a little too high with one of the league's worst secondaries statistically, and all of a sudden they're back on the road to the Super Bowl. They've seriously been on the road to the Super Bowl for the last six years. At what point does unused talent become maybe there wasn't talent there after all? I say 16 more years. Analysts love the Cowboys so much, I think it'll take that long to notice.

11) Al Davis is undoubtedly the most peculiar man in the world.

I saw the beginning of an Al Davis special on ESPN Classic today. Learned a few things. 1) Al Davis firmly believes death can be beaten. Which he's proven to this day - seeing as, at 124, he's still alive. The solution - don't take care of your skin and either dress like Elvis or wear a jumpsuit everyday. 2) Al Davis is Jewish. 3) Al Davis was and is captivated by and admires Adolf Hitler. To recap - Al thinks death can be beaten, he's Jewish, and he admires Hitler. You can't make this stuff up. (Except for the skin care and the Elvis/jumpsuit thing. I made that part up).

My picks are embedded in the column as always. Give Vegas a call. I'm running the table this week. I'd recommend parlaying every game together and just using all of my picks straight-up.

Should be like a 40,000-1 payout or something.

Last Week: 9-7

Season: 27-21

Week 3 Picks...

2010-09-22T15:27:00.001-07:00

Didn't have a chance to finish up the corresponding article for my Week 3 picks. A college reunion called. In short. The Jets showed just how classy they are handling Braylon Edwards' DWI. I will touch upon this topic in next week's article though.

Last Week: 7-9 (ouch)

Season: (18-14)

Game-Losing Catch...

2010-09-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

Week 1 of the 2010-11 NFL season, brought three things. 1) As I predicted, a lot of upsets, 2) more first week season-ending injuries than I can ever remember, and 3) the "Calvin Johnson rule." No wait, I thought of another. Yep, four things. 4) We learned just how great the Jets offense is. (Still laughing....still laughing.........yep, still laughing). But back to the Calvin Johnson rule.

Exhibit A:

This is a catch people! And while we're on the topic, this is a travel Duke fans. Look, I get it Bears fans. You think it's an incompletion because he...Oh wait, you thought it was a catch too? Well then who, other then the referee, thought it was an incomplete pass? The answer: Very few. Which is why I can almost guarantee there will be a rule change next Spring. And why is that? Because it was obviously a catch.

The Editor and Chief of the soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning website, BachTalk, is convinced the only reason I'm taking 98% of society's viewpoint on this play is because I'm bitter about the 8.5 fantasy points I lost from it. I tried to explain to him that the fantasy points were meaningless. After all, I started Arian Foster in that league. I was the "Toyota Greatest Fantasy Victor" of Week 1. It's obvious. I didn't need the points. Maybe I was pissed it dropped my Week 1 picks record to 11-5. Or maybe I just wanted to insert a cameo right there to show you that I went 11-5 last week and that for all you gamblers out there: Listen to my picks! Regardless, I'm not bitter about the points. I'm not bitter towards the Bears. I'm not bitter that one of my upset specials should have been an upset special. I'm bitter about the fact that there's a rule in place that leaves no room for interpretation, and that a play like that could possibly be conceived as an incompletion.

Should Calvin Johnson have brought the ball into his chest as he was falling to the ground? Yes. If he does, there's no story here. But Calvin clearly caught the ball, had both feet in bounds, both thighs in bounds, his rear-end in bounds, and clear possession of the ball when he hit the ground. He even added a left hand for good measure. But according to the head referee, Gene Steratore, Johnson didn't maintain possession of the ball through the complete act. Last time I checked, the act of catching a ball, with complete possession, and two feet in bounds was the act of a touchdown. How can you tell me a quarterback placing the nose of the ball a millimeter over the goal line and having the defense immediately strip it from him is a touchdown. But, Calvin having complete possession of the ball and two feet down in the end zone isn't a touchdown if the ball slips out of his hand when he's using it as a means to help him rise to his own feet so he can run and celebrate? I just can't agree with that.

Quick sidenote: At 28 seconds, I love the commentator's comment: "Very good point. Ya know, was he trying to reach to gain additional yards?" No sir, are you kidding me? Was he trying to reach for additional yards 9 yards deep into the end zone? Newsflash to the guy that's been covering football since long before I was born: You get the same number of yards whether you're in the front of the end zone or the back. Which goes to show just how hard it is to determine a second act in the end zone. In my opinion. If Calvin "Megatron" Johnson has his paws wrapped around a football, gets two feet and his ass down with possession and no ball disruption in the end zone - that's a TD. No question. It's just not fair that as that right hand was falling to the ground he could have done a sweet ball flip, or casually tossed it to the ref and the act would have been considered "completed," but since he chose to use it as a means of leverage to rise to his feet, it's considered incomplete.

Oh well. I give up.

Please take note of my Week 2 picks in the side bar. I don't know if you caught it on the Bottom Line or not, but I was 11-5 last week. I know. Not as good as my 13-3 start last year. But if we consider the fact Calvin caught the ball, and that I wasn't expecting Kansas City to throw a monsoon party and totally psych Rivers and the Chargers out of their game, I would've been 13-3; keeping pace with last season.

Just saying.

Lastly, I can't believe I almost forgot. Mark Sanchez was quoted in the The Record (NJ) this morning, saying the following things. Yes, these are actual quotes.

"We're ready to get rolling on offense"

(Laughing...)

"We're ready to have a breakout game"

(Still laughing...)

"We joke around about it, but there's nothing wrong with going 15-1"

(Rolling on the floor laughing...)

"We'll have games where we throw for over 300 yards"

(I can't take this. Mark Sanchez was 10-21 with 74 yards passing last week)

Work on throwing 300 yards for the season first Sanchez.

Week 1: 11-5

Season: 11-5

Football Preview...

2010-09-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

Alright so if everyone else gets to try the impossible, I figure, why can't I? I've said it once and I'll say it a thousand times. Football is the most unpredictable sport. One ACL tear, one suspension or one conviction for shooting yourself in the leg, and a season is changed. There's just no telling which wrong cut or tackle is going to sideline a key player for a season and crumble the Super Bowl hopes of a team. There's also no telling which breakout star will change the game, which defense will come together under their coach's system, or what lucky break will go a team's way. That's right. It's all unpredictable. Injuries mean too much in a 16 game season, and football leads all sports in injuries (Don't quote me on that, but come on, everyone leaves that game with long-term injuries). Why else do we have 50 rules in place to protect the quarterback. I know Joe Theisman and Ron Jaworski, "You gotttttaaaa proootect the quuuuarrrttterrrbacccck". But why? Because the players in this game are so susceptible to injuries! Translation: Season-changing injuries can occur at any time. See: Brady, Tom/Burress, Plaxico/Sanders, Bob/Green, Trent (Oh no wait, that last one brought Kurt Warner to the helm and led to a St. Louis Super Bowl title). But even still, that changed the season. The same can be said for Drew Bledsoe's season-ending injury years ago. That gave way to Tom Brady's rise to prominence. Do we even know who Tom Brady is without that season-changing injury? No, we don't. I think what I'm trying to say is that it's impossible to predict the NFL. The only thing certain in the NFL is that the Lions will use their first round pick to draft a top wide-out each year. That's seriously the only thing.

So, with all that being said, I'm gonna try to predict the NFL anyways. I could thoroughly research each team, their schedule, injury reports, potential outbreak stars, how religious the player's on each team are, the farmer's almanac for anticipated weather reports each Sunday this Fall, but I'm not gonna do that. I'm strictly going gut, instinct, and Talbot Talks Sports intellect on these predictions.

So without further adieu, my 95% fairly confident predictions as to how this NFL season will play out with limited research (and yes, I know this will be mis-proven before the clock strikes midnight tomorrow, but I don't care). Don't forget to check out my weekly picks on the side as well. I get all my picks right 54% of the time, eeeevery time.

AFC East

New England Patriots (11-5)

New York Jets (9-7)

Miami Dolphins (8-8)

Buffalo Bills (2-14)

There's always Jake Locker Bills fans. The Patriots are old, yes, but they just get the job done year in and year out in the AFC East. Jets fans, I know I'm so biased it's not even fair, but I took Hard Knocks seriously this year, and I came up with an honest opinion on the New York Jets. So here goes. 1) You're defense is the Miami Heat of defenses. Not your team Antonio Cromartie, but on paper your defense is for sure. Now get back to remembering the names of your kids before you rebuttal with an unnecessary comment. 2) I can't tell if you're cocky or confident. I know you guys truly believe you can win the Super Bowl, but you walk around as if you actually won the Super Bowl last year. As if the whole league fears you. Newsflash guys: You don't make the playoffs if the Colts don't sit their starters against you. You were 9-7 last year. You had two nice playoff wins (against the Bengals who were fading faster than Rex Ryan in a race against Usain Bolt and the Chargers, who literally have a complex that prevents them from ever winning an important playoff game), then got beat handedly by the Colts 30-17 in the AFC Championship Game. Losing by 13 after being handed a playoff spot, a cake walk through Wild Card Weekend and an unproven playoff Chargers team isn't winning the Super Bowl. Stop acting like you won it all last year. And 3) When I look at Mark Sanchez on Hard Knocks, I don't see a leader. I see a little kid that doesn't want to read his playbook just like he didn't want to finish his broccoli. And that's not a good thing. Everyone's saying watch out for the second year slump. Hey people!!! Sanchez threw for 2444 yards, 12 TDs and 20 INTs last season!!! What is a second year slump going to look like?! If you want to win a Super Bowl, stop changing your coach's desktop background to ponies, shooting bball on a mini hoop in the coaches room, whining about your mistakes on the sideline, and work on getting better at being a leader and a quarterback! You haven't proven Pete Carroll wrong yet. That's why you're no better than 9-7. Not unless Mark Sanchez changes his attitude.

I promise this is the only division I will talk that much about.

AFC North

Baltimore (12-4)

Pittsburgh (10-6)

Cincinnati (9-7)

Cleveland (4-12)

I think Baltimore is for real. It's weird how teams are going to fear their offense this season and that they are shaky on defense. Never thought I'd see that day. For Pittsburgh, I love Dennis Dixon and I think Big Ben will try to use some good play on the field to shield his troubles off the field. With Polamalu back, I think they're much improved this season. They have to be a contender. After all, they won the Super Bowl two years ago. Cincinnati: I'm loving their defense (gotta love Mike Zimmer), I'm loving their personalities, and most of all, I'm loving their coach's motivational speeches. I think they're still kind of for real.

AFC South

Indianapolis (12-4)

Houston (10-6)

Tennessee (9-7)

Jacksonville (6-10)

It's time Houston!!! This is your time!!! Keep throwing to Andre!!! Make me proud!!! They're the team I look forward to watching the most this season. Last year I said they were the Dip n' Dots of football. Dip n' Dots has been the ice cream of the future for 22 years (seriously I looked it up). 22 years!! When does the future become the present and we like Dip n' Dots more than regular ice cream? When do the Texans stop being the team of the future and start to become the team of the present? I think that transition starts right now.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers (11-5)

Denver Broncos (7-9)

Kansas City Chiefs (5-11)

Oakland Raiders (4-12)

Al Davis is here to win titles, and throw deep. This year I expect him to reign as the defending champion for most times calling down to the field and requesting the Raiders to throw it deep. Good news Al! Campbell connects on about 14 more of those than Jamarcus Russell did last year. And he misses his wide receivers by 20 yards 95 fewer times. Is anyone in the world picking against the Chargers?

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys (11-5)

New York Giants (10-6)

Washington Redskins (8-8)

Philadelphia Eagles (7-9)

How do you like that Philly? McNabb is laughing somewhere right now.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers (12-4)

Minnesota Vikings (10-6)

Chicago Bears (8-8)

Detroit Lions (4-12)

Considering Favre has nothing more to show for himself in the last two years than Rodgers does, and since Favre's departure Rodgers has quickly established himself as one of the best quarterbacks in football (and the best fantasy player I might add), I think it's safe to say the Green Bay execs made the right decision moving on to Rodgers. I got a hunch they're going to really like that decision this year.

NFC South

New Orleans (12-4)

Atlanta Falcons (10-6)

Carolina Panthers (9-7)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)

Great division race this year. Let's see how quickly the Panthers search for flaws in Matt Moore so they can start the Jimmy Clausen regime. Newsflash Panther fans: You're not gonna find many flaws in Moore. He's the real deal. Realize it. It'll be a shame if they rush him out of the starting job for no reason because Clausen is new and exciting. This isn't a relationship. Moore doesn't deserve to be beat out by some new broad because she's young and different. What the hell am I saying right now?

NFC West

San Francisco 49ers (11-5)

Seattle Seahawks (7-9)

Arizona Cardinals (7-9)

St. Louis Rams (5-11)

What the hell is going on in this division? It's mayhem. Lovin' the Niners right now. So is everybody else so they'll probably disappoint, but I'm lovin' the Niners right now!

But what does it all mean?

Wild Card Weekend:

AFC

6) Pittsburgh 3) San Diego

5) Houston 4) New England

NFC

6) New York Giants 3) San Francisco

5) Minnesota 4) Dallas

Divisional Round:

AFC

5) Houston 1) Indianapolis

3) San Diego 2) Baltimore

NFC

6) New York Giants 1) New Orleans

5) Minnesota 2) Green Bay

Championship Weekend:

2) Baltimore 1) Indianapolis

2) Green Bay 1) New Orleans

Super Bowl XLV:

Green Bay vs. Indianapolis

I'm fairly confident everything will unfold exactly like this.

Image taken from Google Images

Are You Ready For Some Football?

2010-09-09T14:42:00.000-07:00

I ended last season incorrectly predicting the last seven NFL games. That's a near impossible task. Was I betting on the spread? No. The picks were straight up. I don't think I could do that again if I tried. This season, expect a turnaround. I'm talking Kobe Bryant turnaround jumper turnaround. (Yes, I'm aware that doesn't make sense). For the last seven months I've been training. Ready to remedy the prediction woes of last season. The formula? A steady dose of espn.com, talbottalksports.blogspot.com (because this blog is so good even I have to read it and freshen up on my sports knowledge), and barstoolsports.com (not so much for sports, but for videos like the one below).

There was no way I was writing anything today without some way incorporating this video. I think I could watch it 1000 times and still laugh every time.

Another laughing matter is that Brett Favre convinced some people that he wasn't coming back this year. I mean really guys? You honestly thought Favre would retire? Sure he texted teammates saying he would, but that's only because Lebron was stealing the spotlight in the news. Favre needed more airtime with his "decision". So he planted a lie to throw people for a loop, then denied, denied, denied it the next day.

Well Brett, you got what you wanted. For a day or two, people cared about your pending decision. And for a day or two people might have been unsure of your intentions. But just know that I called your bluff. As did most of America I would imagine.

So on to the pick. New Orleans might still be celebrating its Super Bowl championship on Bourbon Street, but it's time to get back to playing some football. The title is anybody's for the taking, and judging by recent history (only 8 repeat winners), someone else will take their title come season's end. Many thought it would be the Vikings. But with an ailing Favre, eight weeks without Sidney Rice, and however many weeks with a bottle of Advil for Harvin, the Vikings are a huge question mark. (When I say an ailing Favre, I mean that's if he's not lying. Favre is like the kid in a pickup basketball game that isn't confident he's as good as everybody else, so he throws an excuse out before the start of the game like, "My shoulder has been bothering me" or "I haven't played in a while", just to set people straight that he might not play well not because he's inferior, but because he's hurt or been out of the game too long).

One thing that isn't a question mark is AP. He should be running "all day" on the Saints. While I think he gives fantasy owners a fantasy treat or nightmare (for his opponents), I expect the Saints to keep the tradition of winning Week 1 after a Super Bowl title alive.

Saints 34 - Vikings 24

More picks to come later this week.

Fantasy Football Diaries - Version 2.1

2010-08-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

If you haven't read Part 1 yet (click here), you need to. Or else none of this will make sense to you.

Okay, here goes.

Rocking the Plaxico Burress jersey this year. Wasn't ready to bring that upon my team last season, but after a year I think it's safe to bring it back out. It symbolizes the punishment I didn't deserve when the curse was brought down upon my team three years ago when I took Bironas in the sixth. Let's hope this decision doesn't shoot me in the leg.

I thought about taking a running total of the number of times someone made a joke about me taking kickers in the sixth round, but I thought my computer might explode from overuse.

That's weird the drafts about to start and Smooth hasn't cursed anyone out ye.....

Smooth: Scott are you f***ing kidding me bro?! Get your legs off my f***ing box you ass****!

Ah, it feels like draft season again.

(Side note: One day I'd like to know why ass is street legal but ass**** makes it a curse word).

So people are a little disappointed in K Dub and PL. After all, K Dub was too hungover to be in attendance, and PL feared that spending two hours away from his girlfriend might be unhealthy for their relationship and that it was worth spending $20 to let the computer pick him the worst team ever.

Everyone agreed it was weak of Phil not to come.

Toph: My girlfriend was here this weekend and I made her leave.

Me: My girlfriend wanted to come today and I said no.

Scott (on the newly added microphone): I'm supposed to be at work right now........I didn't go.

MC grabs the mic: With the sixth pick in the draft, Bob Talbot selects...Rob Bironas.

Everyone laughs.

Guys I quit! I swear.

Okay, so as MC mentioned, this year I've got the sixth pick. A pick I claimed last year was one of the best. With the hour delay before the draft, I had a lot of time to think about what players would likely fall to me at #6. Okay so CJ, AP, MJD and Ray Rice are gone. Scott could either go Turner, Gore or Rodgers. That leaves me with a great opportunity to take Rodgers if he's still available or Andre Johnson if Rodgers goes at number 5. With Rodgers I would remain consistent in drafting the best fantasy QB each year, like I have in all previous years. See: Culpepper, McNabb, Brady, Manning, Brees, Rodgers. So I really hope it's Rodgers. QBs are the staple to my team.

If you remember, however, QBs are the staple to our league.

1) Chris Johnson

2) Adrian Peterson

3) Drew Brees

4) Peyton Manning

5) Aaron Rodgers

6) What the f just happened?

I'm not prepared for this at all. Yes, QBs go faster than the M&Ms in Rex Ryan's coaching office, but it's the 6th overall pick and any QB I thought about taking other than Matt Schaub is off the board. I'm not taking Matt Schaub sixth. How can I pass up on MJD or Ray Rice? Better yet, how do I even decide between the two? This wasn't supposed to happen.

Ray Rice. Two picks later, I already hate my team.

Round 2 - Phil autopicks Matt Schaub. Thanks again for coming Phil. Now I have to decide between Phillip Rivers and Tony Romo. I'm a Giants fan. I refuse to root for these guys. I guess I have to root for the biggest d-bag in football this season. Welcome to the team Phillip.

I really hate my team. It's bad when you hate your team before you get to the s*** players.

Moving on...

With the 4th pick in the 3rd round, Smooth Jota selects Dallas Clark?????????? Dallas f'n Clark. A tight end. In the third round?!

Wait a minute. Could this be! Could this be worse than taking Bironas in the sixth?! Am I officially off the hook?

The other guys: Nope, Bironas is still the worst. But this is damn near close.

ZR: J that's the stupidest pick I've ever seen.

Smooth: "[ZR you're going to be] last in the league I guarantee it and I'm gonna win".

ZR: [Something along the lines of no f'n chance, you just took Dallas Clark in the third round. You're an idiot].

Smooth: [Well ZR], "I'm doing what I don't usually do because what I've done the last five years doesn't work".

In a weird way that makes a lot of sense. By uttering that sentence Smooth, myself and I think most everyone else can actually respect your pick of Dallas Clark right there.

Toph: "I can respect that reasoning J. I'm the second worst every year and I'm still doing what I usually do".

This is why I still don't believe Toph will turn things around this year.

I really think there should be a 10 minute break or something after that Dallas Clark pick. I think we all need some time to let that one settle in. I guess I'm the only one not prepared for this matter though. The rest of the league was desensitized to these sort of things a few years ago, when I took kickers before running backs.

Okay, so with Dallas Clark off the board, I needed to take a wide receiver. Roddy White, you look like the best on the board.

Hating my team more now...

Round 4. Flashback to an hour before the draft:

Toph: I can't wait to see who picks Ryan Mathews prematurely, boasting about how awesome he's gonna be when they won't even know what college he played for.

Me (glancing at a picture of Mathews in the magazine Toph was holding and recognizing he's rocking a Fresno State jersey): Haha, yeah man I know you mean.

With the fifth pick in the fourth round, I take Mathews. Did you see how awesome he was in college?!? Me neither. But seriously, he's gonna be awesome. I mean come on, Yahoo! ranked him #8 in their preseason rankings. We know how accurate they are.

Round 5.

Scott: "I know my next pick and I hope nobody takes him". Thanks Scott.

So here's my thought process. Brett Favre is coming back. At the time, we didn't know this. But, I mean come on, we all knew this. So I want Sidney Rice. I look to see who might possibly take him before me, and I see Scott's the pick ahead of me this round. At this point, Scott has already drafted what seems to be his team from last year. So, by the looks of it, Rice is already gone. Pick #45: Sidney Rice. Damnit Scott! I really felt like I needed that one. Vernon Davis it is. He killed me last year. Might as well bring the dark side over to the light? side??

Quick Anecdote: Sidney Rice is out for half the season.

That's why you don't prepare for the draft! Sure, you feel disappointed when you don't get the pick you want, but it only makes you feel that much better when you realize you dodged a bullet later on. I'm sorry Scott.

In Round 6 I took Wes Welker. You never really wanna take a guy who's knee pretty much exploded the year before, especially when his doctor messed up the surgery the first go around. But hey, Wes gets 115 catches a year in his sleep. A rehabing Wes should be good for 80-95 right? Yeah, I'll keeping telling myself that.

Another highlight of Round 6. MC took Brandon Jacobs. Toph and I agreed MC would probably take Brandon Jacobs before the draft started. MC, he's a 260 lb. RB that can't convert on 3rd and 1 anymore, and loves trying to run to the outside. We'll see how that one plays out for you.

Round 7 I take the Vikings defense, followed by Braylon Edwards in Round 8.

Hating my team more and more...

(Do we see a trend here?)

After a quick bathroom break I come back down to hear Smooth saying, "Ya, I got a feeling about him" - referring to CJ Spiller.

Me: "What round is it guys? Still Round 8? And Smooth took CJ Spiller? Ooooookay."

Seriously guys? How am I still mocked for Bironas with these ridiculous picks occurring all the time? Was it really that bad?

While we're on the subject of Smooth, I forgot to mention. Smooth's computer monitor was so big you could literally see his pick queue from anywhere in the room. Not that seeing CJ Spiller wouldn't be available would have saved me any trouble with my next pick, but it would've been entertaining to watch. I wish I watched Smooth queue his players the whole time. That could've made for a great article.

To get an idea of how bad my draft was going I took Clinton Portis, Terrell Owens and Chad Henne with my next three picks. I could justify my reasoning, but I'm not gonna.

Hating my team more now.

Probably not as much as Phil though. Someone points out that for some reason, ESPN has just been autopicking Phil running backs the whole time. In rounds 9-14, ESPN autopicked four running backs for Phil. The guy had seven running backs when it was all said and done. Nothing like five of the six bench spots being phil-ed (ya see what I did there?) by running backs for good measure. You never know how many could go down to injuries or unruly fans. At least Phil has one backup wide receiver. That could be very useful when the bye weeks roll around.

In Round 12, I take Garrett Hartley as my kicker. I waited til Round 12 guys, alright? I really wanted Hartley. He's off drugs (I think) and he was so clutch in the playoffs (NFC Championship game-winning kick included). It would have been a risk to leave him out there. I'm getting better at this guys.

Smooth takes Ladainian Tomlinson. No surprise for the Jets fan. This spawns an argument in which ZR makes fun of Smooth, Smooth retaliates, which causes ZR to lay down the hammer:

"Congratulations on gonna be last place again J!" Ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh! The war room uproars at the sweet burn. Then laughs at ZR for his lame comment. In ZR's defense. He had a lot on his mind. Examining an excel spreadsheet with players divided into five tiers with an alternate sixth can be quite strenuous on the brain. Come on guys, give him a break!

G Com had the best response to ZR's comment: "Ya, behind the guy that has seven running backs".

To close out the draft I took Bernard Berrian (we're gonna try this one more time as my sleeper WR), Arian Foster (Texan running backs were bad to me last year, but again, I'm all about second chances this year), and Golden Tate (I really don't have a clue why).

Yeah, I hate my team.

After the draft, MC suggested when I upload the teams to Yahoo!, I should just give him Tony Romo instead of Eli (since Eli's bye week is the same as his starter's). Don't see this as a sign of doubt for MC though. Because as he proclaimed at the end of the draft, "I'm currently tied for first, so snack on these nuts!"

We spent 10-15 minutes afterwards reviewing the draft at our leisure.

G Com referring to Smooth's team: "I could not be less intimidated by anyone on this team". We all laughed and agreed. Well Smooth, I respect the thought process behind your new draft strategy, but let's think the new one through a little more next time.

So to summarize the longest article in the history of articles not written by Bill Simmons. We draft quarterbacks, PL drafts running backs, we don't trade, Smooth drafted Dallas Clark in the third round, Scott doesn't like cabs anymore, K Dub forgot he won last year, PL loves running backs, I hate my team, and PL loves running backs.

But none of this really matters, because there's just going to be a lockout anyway.

Until next year...

Images taken from Google Images

Fantasy Football Diaries - Version 2.0

2010-08-18T15:15:00.000-07:00

As summer rapidly comes to a close, and we all start to think about our upcoming return to school in the next few weeks. Oh s***, I just graduated. Well, this sucks. I haven't even started my article and I've already depressed 85% of my readers. Myself included. But I guess that speaks volumes for the importance of this article. That's right, just when things are reaching their bleakest point. When we all realize that we either don't have jobs or that we have a job that will enslave us for the next 65 years of our lives, one saving grace presents itself. The one thing guys have to live for in the late August to early February grind in their lives. That's right folks. It's draft season again!

Now that I have a true job, Loverboy's hit single "Working for the Weekend" suddenly makes sense to me. Their attire in this music video never will. But the lyrics? Yeah, they make sense.

If Loverboy wrote that song today, I think they'd be even more passionate about working for the weekends, because the weekend feels that much more valuable with fantasy football. Let's face it. Does any guy in a fantasy football league care about anything else from August to February? I knew a kid that once offered Donovan McNabb, Terry Porter and his cousin's virginity for Ladainian Tomlinson in his prime. That last sentence was a complete lie, but if you've ever played fantasy football before, you believed it for a second, right???

So let me re-introduce you to the greatest fantasy football league I've ever come to know.

Trung Candidate's Weekend BBQ still features 10 fantasy managers that make up the stereotypical, yet ideal fantasy league. Last year's article inspired the managers to go that extra mile to create a new reputation for their squad and management capabilities. So first, let's examine the things that changed and the things that stayed the same about last year's crew.

The Chronic Saint (Pat) -

After much deliberation we decided to give I'm Vinne Massuci (Vinnie Massuci) the cut. It wasn't because we didn't respect his management or his unique style. It all came down to the fact that we didn't respect his management or his unique style. No but in all reality, he lives in Colorado. The distance was too much. They say long distance relationships can work, but not this one. The postage fees for the trophy and the newly added monetary prize were too much to keep the former Rookie of the Year in the league. So we welcome Pat. There's not much we know about Pat's fantasy football skills. From the draft, I picked up a few things. For one, Pat's in another league that's entry fee is worth half of our total prize pool. I wonder if he'll care more about that league or this one. I know what you're thinking. That one. But you obviously don't understand the magnitude of the pride we play for. I just can't measure the pride. Sure, last year's winner had to ask, in all seriousness, who won last year, but that doesn't do our pride justice. Our pride seeps through our computer screens. But ya, back to Pat. The other thing I picked up from the draft was that Pat must really like the Packers. He drafted Greg Jennings, Jermichael Finley and Green Bay's defense within the course of 5 picks. He was also really pissed he didn't snag Aaron Rodgers and rumor has it, at multiple times, he attempted to draft Ahman Green, Mike McCarthy, Mike Holmgren, Dorsey Levens and Antonio Freeman. I think taking Brett Favre in the 14th was a ploy to remember the good ole' days when Favre wore the green and gold.

KDUBS ALL STARS (K Dub)

K Dub became the 4th member of the crew to win a title, etching his name into the record books alongside the likes of Talbot (hold your applause), MC and ZR. Like I said before, it took him less than six months to forget he won the title, but trust me, the kid is passionate about the league. It's easy to forget things your passionate about. K Dub is one of those guys that obviously wasn't satisfied with my comments in last year's article: K Dubs crew is good for a solid 5th-7th finish every year. He always finishes around .500 (sometimes just above, sometimes just below), and he always sneaks into the playoffs. A team that deserves respect. He went out and made a name for himself with a championship in response to my comments. This year he's at a disadvantage, seeing as no team has ever repeated as champion in our league. I'd say that drops his Vegas odds down at 40-1 to capture the title again this year. Let's see if he proves me wrong and starts a dynasty.

Grenade Free America (PL)

PL, most notably known for his often offensive team names looks like a new man this year. Some would say four years at college changed him. He realized it's time to lock away his controversial, at times racy team names and move on. Others would say he's just a big fan of the Jersey Shore. Yet his true friends know he's a changed man for one reason and one reason only: he recently wifed up with a new girlfriend. Translation: we don't see Phil anymore. That goes for during the draft as well. He's still in the 6-month-we can't stay a moment apart phase of his relationship. Which is all good and fun. Us seasoned relationship-ers have all been there. There's nothing bad about it. But it sure can piss the friends off. And Phil, we were pissed you didn't come to the draft. Until we saw the team ESPN autopicked for you. We'll get to that later. I think next year Phil will be at the draft.

GoldenTatesMapleBars (Toph)

Last year I talked about how Toph knew just as much about football as any other guy, and that he should seemingly be a contender to win every year. But he never is. I thought last year was gonna be his year. After a horrible start, he sneaked into the playoffs, only to immediately be ousted. Sixth place. This may have been an improvement for Toph, but it certainly wasn't the kind of improvement Toph had in mind. This year, regardless of how good Toph's team looks on paper, I'm just gonna go ahead and assume his title drought will continue. It's the safe bet.

CarolinaSexPanthers (G Com)

Another year, another title-less season for G Com. Yet I still fear him more than any other player in the league. Maybe it's the fantasy football magazines he brings to the draft. Maybe it's his ability to consistently draft teams that put up numbers (there wasn't a team within 100 points of him last season). Maybe it's the confidence he exudes on draft day and throughout the season. Maybe it's the fact he didn't have functional shoulders a few years ago, and could still out-bench me by a sizable amount. Regardless, I fear the CarolinaSexPanthers much like the rest of the NBA fears the deer.

Multiple Scoregasms (Scott)

We could go on and on about Scott's fantasy tendencies. But I think it would be more beneficial to discuss a recent Friday night he had in New York City.

Okay, so here's the setting. Picture the scummiest hotel you've ever seen in your life. Now think scummier. Think, hotel room people are likely to bring prostitutes or commit homicides. Alright now cut that room in half by rolling in a metal cot fit for one, that we made sleep two. Now imagine a bathroom that looks five-star in comparison to the room - complete with one bath towel (in a room we booked for three people), a floor mat that would double as a bath towel, two hand towels that would double as bath towels, two bars of soap (don't bother asking for the shampoo cause we don't got it), a nice TV with what appears to be a dildo resting on top, and you've got our hotel room. Throw in nine guys and a few bottles of alcohol and you've got a pregame for the ages. None of this was relevant, but people needed to know where we stayed that night.

So we ICEd Nunes because we always ICE Nunes and we enjoy watching it take him 20 minutes to chug a Smirnoff, which always inevitably leads to him throwing up afterwards. That empty Smirnoff Ice bottle became Scott's obligatory "Solo cup" for the night. On countless occasions I watched him fill the bottle halfway with vodka, and top it off with a little cranberry juice. The drink looked pretty lethal to me. But I hardly thought anything of it because I was too busy pounding Natty's with my bros. (That's bro talk for casually drinking Natural Light with my friends).

Flash forward to the cab ride to Turtle Bay. As Toph, MC, Rone and I are repeatedly saying "Might I make suggestion for you? I would party at Turtle Bay" in the voice of Mr. Duncan in Home Alone 2, Scott is riding up front with our cab driver. I hear Scott mumble, "I don't know where the f*** we are". Then the cab pulls over, Scott hands the cab driver some money, probably $100 for the $7 fare the way Scott was spending money that night. As everyone exits the vehicle this exchange ensues:

Me: Hey wait a minute is this Turtle Bay?

(No Response)

Me: Did you drop us off at Turtle Bay?

Cab Driver: (shoulder shrug)

Me: Scott did you tell the cab to drop us off here?

Scott: Yeah.

Me: Why?

Scott: Cause I don't know where the f*** we are.

Me: But the f***in' cab driver knows where we are. He was taking us to where we need to go!

Scott: Alright, well get another cab.

To save ourselves the embarrassment of departing a cab only to immediately call for another cab five seconds later on the same street corner, we walked the rest of the way. We reached Turtle Bay, where we were forced to wait in a ten minute line - pretty standard for a club in NYC. Scott refused to wait. He went to an ATM, swiped every card in his wallet - I'm talking ID, golf card, library card, hotel room keys, Don Mattingly Topps '95 baseball card - pretty much every card that wasn't his debit card, until a stranger eventually let him in. He came back to the line with $40, and demanded we each give him $20 to pay off the bouncer so we could bypass the line of six people in front of us. When we declined, insisting that giving the bouncer $120 to skip this line was stupid he said, "F*** you guys" and went and offered the bouncer $40, who for some reason turned him down. He came back and tried to give us back his $40, because he had already forgotten it was his money. So Scott was f'd up.

F'd up enough to leave the club on his own and hop on a train. A train he took to the last stop. All the way in Babylon, Long Island. For those of you that don't know Scott. He lives in NJ. Scott can now tell you that a cab ride from Babylon, Long Island to his hometown in NJ is $165. Lesson to be learned: Don't black out on your way to NY Penn Station. Especially when it also doubles as the Long Island Rail Road.

So yeah, I generally don't fear Scott's fantasy teams.

NJ Jimmy's (Smooth Jota)

Last year I was kind of hard on Smooth, dubbing him the worst manager in the league. I predicted an 0-13 season for the guy. I know, I know it was harsh. But he did celebrate drafting Jamal Lewis and Michael Vick consecutively on a turn. He set himself up for that. Smooth had the last laugh, finishing 5-8 last season. This year, I respect Smooth's strategy. I'll save that for later though.

Vick's Pit Bulls (ZR, Zermanatrix, Zerm Germ, Ruby Tuesday's, the self-proclaimed "Movie Maven, you get the idea)

He's the Miami Heat of our league. The team everybody loves to hate. Last year ZR brought a print-out of the Yahoo! Sports player list with hand-written notes on it. This year, ZR caught up to the technological age and made an Excel spreadsheet. It had tiers and everything. I believe there were five tiers in all with an alternate sixth. He highlighted sleepers, must-haves, risks, and so forth. It looks like he put a lot of time into his pre-draft preparation. Me on the other hand? I chose to do 1 1/2 mock drafts. But I'm taking down Zerm Germ anyway. ZR is highly critical of other people's picks, he loves offering analyses of his reasoning behind picks, and we love listening to him put down the likes of Scott and Smooth Jota. Don't mess with the bull though, cause he'll bring the horns.

AllDayZ ft. Kid Cutler (MC)

I'm starting to get the feeling MC cares more about coming up with creative fantasy nicknames than the game of fantasy football itself. Come to think about it, I think he enjoys drafting more than he enjoys playing out the season and seeing just how effective his drafting skills were. But even with all those mocks, Mike still can't pick an exciting team. This year, Mike's looking to change his bad rep for picking boring teams with the addition of Dwayne Bowe, Ryan Grant, Jay Cutler, Zach Miller, Eli Manning, Julian Edelman, Mohammed Massaquoi and Brandon Jacobs. Good luck with that MC.

Cry Me a Rivers (Me)

It's okay, you can make fun of my team name all you want, because I think it's lame too. I like to think it translates to the fact that I hate my quarterback, Phillip Rivers, the league's number one d-bag, so much that it makes me want to cry and the season hasn't even started. So what's new with me? Well, I'm officially two years sober from drafting kickers in the first six rounds. One day I will justify taking Bironas. One day! Anyways, I drafted a team of guys I love to hate. But they're good players. This way, when they put up big numbers this season, I won't hate them as much. Although don't get me wrong. I will still hate Phillip Rivers. It's been way too long since my last title. I'm ready for my third.

And so it begins...

No wait, Pat didn't sign up in time, so we had to delay the draft an hour and a half, make the picks on espn.com, and I transferred them over back to Yahoo. The hour and a half you just wasted reading my novel of an introduction was a metaphor to the time we spent sitting around, half-heartedly mock drafting, as we listened to Smooth Jota on the ones and twos prior to our delayed draft start.

Click here for Part 2, the conclusion of Fantasy Football Diaries - Version 2.0

Returning the Favor...

2010-07-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

ESPN - West Virginia University says men's basketball coach Bob Huggins has been released from a Las Vegas hospital.

The university says Huggins was released Wednesday. He had been hospitalized since breaking seven ribs in a fall in his hotel room on Friday while in Nevada on a recruiting trip.

Although it was never disclosed, I'm led to believe Deshaun Butler arrived on the scene during the incident, aiding Huggins much like he had for Butler earlier this year in the NCAA Tournament (as seen below - Fast forward to 1:09).

The coach left no comment on Butler's assistance, but I think it's quite obvious the exchange was emotional and creepily sexual.

The Dumbest Rule in Sports...

2010-07-26T18:42:00.000-07:00

Link to the video: http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=5408139

In the 2010 Border Battle between Canada and America!, North America saw firsthand how the winning team can lose a game. No, I'm not talking about the scenario where said "underdog" plays valiantly in an oh-so-close losing effort where in spirit they feel like they won. Or a situation where a team loses on a last second, game-deciding blown call where they can walk away from the court or field saying, "We won that game and everybody knows it". Nope, I'm talking about scoring more runs than the other team, and still walking away without the "W".

Old-man softball is the majors of sport for middle-aged men. Golf is a sport men can find their prime at a later age, but it doesn't offer the competitive gusto softball can for these guys. Old-man softball, beer-league softball, whatever you wanna call it, is where it's at. It's a great game. A game I hope to be apart of at some point down the line. Hopefully way, way down the line. After I'm discovered by the Miami Heat, and fulfill my sport prophecy for the "Greatest Show on hardwood" (other than a young Pamela Anderson).

[I'd really help the cap situation Riley. Seriously, Dwyane Wade makes my yearly salary in a minute and 10 seconds. A minute and 10 seconds! I'll take $95 a game. That's a raise for me. Wade makes that in under a minute and a half. We can make this work. I'll stand in the corner. I'll hack-a-Dwight Howard. This can work! But, alas.]

As I was saying, the 2010 Border Battle was such a fun game to watch, until it didn't make sense anymore.

Canada took an 11-0 lead in the first inning, before a leaping catch at the wall ended their rally, or standard men's softball inning. I don't know how long it took Team USA to battle back, but they battled back. In 6 & 1/2 innings of softball, Canada found themselves clinging to a 30-29 lead with runners on first and third, nobody out, for Team USA. In a 30-29 game you're starting to think this is an impossible jam for a pitcher wearing a ridiculous mask tossing up slow-floaters down the heart of the plate to work his way out of. Until the rulebook drops this piece of knowledge on you. "Hey Team USA, you've reached your limit for home-runs this game (10 - which includes the mammoth 400+ foot bomb over the scoreboard Rusty Bumgardner, a.k.a one of the scariest men alive, hit in the 2nd), and from now on, every home-run you hit is an out". I'm sorry, what? A walk-off home-run in a game that's featured 59 back-and-forth runs is an out now? Who made this rule book, the ref from the U.S.A-Slovenia World Cup game? Why does everyone hate America? We get it. Stop screwing us over in sports!

So upon hearing this, the group of ~~meatheads~~, ~~juicers~~, Americans conjured up a winning strategy. They were gonna go down swinging for the fences. And no rule was going to stop them. Ya know why? Cause chicks dig the long ball. Don't believe me? Ask Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux. The first dude literally tries to hit a home run. The second guy, Scott Brown, must be the second strongest man alive (behind Bumgardner), because it looks like he made the effort to hit a looper into center, and still drilled it out over the centerfield wall. With two outs and runners still on first and third, Ryan Robinson shows just how difficult it is to try not to hit a home-run in men's softball, as he weakly grounds out to the pitcher.

So there ya have it. Team USA rallies for two game-losing, walk-off three-run homer outs in the bottom of the last inning to fall to Team Canada 30-29 in one of the most mind-boggling losses of all-time.

This is why we don't let a bunch of drunken, middle-aged men make the rules to a sport.

Image taken from Google Images

After Two Weeks, I'm Ready To Address "The Decision"...

2010-07-15T18:31:00.000-07:00

The most anticipated show this summer won't be the season premiere of Ochocinco: The Perfect Catch or the season finale of The Bachelorette. It won't even be the season finale of Entourage. This summer's biggest prime time hit was "The Decision", starring Lebron James, Jim Gray and a backdrop of kids from the Boys and Girls Club of America. The one-hour special raked in more viewers than the MLB All-Star game.

I spent days anticipating this one-hour special. I dissected Lebron's ensuing decision with coworkers, anxiously followed Chris Broussard's ESPN updates, and sifted through articles daily, breaking down the reason Lebron would go here or there. Everyday I felt Lebron was going somewhere else. When I wrote this article, it was Cleveland. Days later, it was Chicago. Then, for one sweet, splendid day, I thought the Knicks had him. We got Amar'e. The Bulls didn't have Boozer. I didn't think he wanted to share the spotlight with Wade. And there was no sense in going to Cleveland with little hope to win a championship. Oh, and for the sake of respecting Nets fans, I had a feeling he wasn't going there either. That day was a Tuesday.

Then Wednesday happened.

In a last ditch effort to sway James, or so I thought, Wade and Bosh declared they would be signing with Miami and Carlos Boozer agreed to sign with the Bulls. When Wade and Bosh signed with Miami I convinced myself the Knicks were still the favorite. Lebron didn't want to share the spotlight, right? What basketball prodigy would? Certainly not Jordan. The Bulls had a solid core with Rose, Noah and Deng. But there was greater upside with New York in the long run. James could be the hero of the biggest city in America.

When Boozer signed with the Bulls later that night, all my hopes washed away. I had completely taken him out of the picture. If it wasn't Cleveland, the Bulls were the hot ticket.

But as I brushed my teeth that night, mulling over the next day's decision, it sort of hit me. Lebron was going to sign with the Heat. In a weird way, it just kind of made sense to me. Suddenly, the nationwide tour of interviews felt more like an attempt to throw us off the scent of the mystery we spent much of the summer trying to solve - Where Lebron would go? I finished brushing my teeth, walked into the next room, and told my two friends. Mike D'Antoni got the same feeling the night before. Maybe all Knicks' fans did.

As I analyze the decision, it's hard to fathom why Lebron would cop out like this. I guess he didn't even want the game to be a contest anymore. He was getting that title, even if he had to back-stab a city that stood behind him for 25 years to do so. Even if he had to ask for help to do so.

Thursday, July 8, 2010:

I woke up at 6am, living the life, ready to get my 8:30-5:30pm grind on. I went through my normal morning ritual - take the bed sheets off the futon I'm crashing on, put away the extra mattress, turn the futon into a couch, make a bowl of cereal, turn on ESPN - when right before my eyes I see: Breaking News: Sources say Lebron James is expected to sign with the Heat. I didn't curse (my roommate did). Instead, I sat there feeling much like I had the last ten years as a Knicks fan - not surprised, disappointed, pissed and heartbroken all at the same time.

When "The Decision" rolled around I kept an ounce of false hope for the Knicks, but I knew an ultimately grim decision was only a moment away. Which turned out to be 26 minutes. The 9pm special that advertised a decision within the first ten minutes, didn't even feature Lebron until 20 minutes in. It was the most drawn out hour of television I have ever seen. No one sums it up better than Steve Carell and Paul Rudd right here:

"I'm gonna take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat" sealed the deal. They were the words I never wanted to the hear, but the words I couldn't help but feel were coming all along. For one day there was hope Lebron would be a Knick, but the next 5 years will show otherwise.

So here are my feelings on the decision.

1) You can't fault Lebron for choosing to leave Cleveland - He gave it all he had...kinda, sorta. Could he have eventually won in that city? Yes. Would it have been more gratifying? Yes. Could it have taken a long time or possibly never happened? Yes. The businessman in James saw an opportunity. No one ever imagined two superstars and an ideal #2 could all sign on the same team in the same free agency period. The formula: Right Click on your roster. Scroll up to Delete. Click the Mouse. The Heat had four players when they signed Lebron. And they had to trade Michael Beasley away for a draft pick when they added Lebron the next day. They still had four players. And ya know what? It just might work. James saw the opportunity to win not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 titles, as he put it, and he took it. Will they win 7? Maybe. Is there a whole lot of pressure on them to do so? Yes. Could Lebron's decision bring titles and a lot of money towards him and his good friends? Most likely. Okay, I get it Lebron. But...

2) You can fault Lebron for the way he chose to leave Cleveland. A one-hour special titled, "The Decision". How are you gonna do that and not pick Cleveland? How are you gonna stab an entire city of people that adore you in the back on national television? How? That's just too cruel.

3) Lebron's decision can go one of two ways: 1) Swimmingly, and as expected or 2) Painfully and in-reputably. Okay I made up that last word, but I was looking for a word that says this decision could severely damage his reputation and legacy as a basketball player. Looking at the first direction, there's a very good chance Lebron will look back on the next five years and say, "Hey, that was a lot of fun. These four rings look awfully nice on my hand. Extension? I think so". But there's also the looming possibility that Lebron's decision could backfire on him. I don't expect Dan Gilbert's ambitious prediction that the Cavs will bring home a title before the Heat to come to fruition (that's the absolute backfire), but I can see next June's headlines now: "Bulls show James why he should've picked Chicago", "Undersized Cavs no match for Howard and Magic", "Celtics still have Lebron's number", "Lebron brings more firepower, but still no match for Kobe" "Gilbert talked the talk, and now he's (in all CAPS) WALKING THE WALK!". Just kidding about that last one, but you can catch my drift. The Heat are not infallible. Until recently, they still had four players. And very little money to work with (Imagine if the salary cap wasn't $2 million higher than anticipated?)

That's how I feel about "The Decision". Others, like Dan LeBatard, feel this way:

(Fast Forward to 1:01)

Dan LeBatard may be a crazy man, but his obnoxious, somewhat vulgar comments are both hilarious and true in this video. His sports knowledge and etiquette aren't anything to write home about, but as he's shown on PTI and in this video, he's very good at yelling random thoughts.

Allow me to make a few comments on this rejoice-ment.

1) "Run the point night! One lucky fan gets to run the point...every night for the Heat!" The Heat might actually have to consider this. They have four players and they're barely under the cap. How comical/entertaining would it be if the Heat actually did this? If there's any team that could get away with trying that, it would be this team. Lebron treated every warm-up session as a joke; a stage to please and delight crowds; a chance to be a true showman. Why not carry that over to the actual game itself? Then maybe in the playoffs, when they're still potentially the 1-seed, they can sign a veteran PG or something. Maybe the Heat could take a page out of Jackie Moon's book and perform halftime shows as well. What do they need to do in the locker room anyway? Coach X (does anyone even know who the coach of the Heat is? Anybody? He's making a run at Phil Jackson's title record with Miami Thrice and nobody knows. Come on people!). Well anyway, Coach X probably wouldn't have much to say other than: "Okay guys, let's try to work the ball to Lebron, Dwyane & maybe Chris a little bit more. And, uh, run the point for a night fan guy, why don't you just stand in the corner." A halftime show would really do more for the overall game experience. Lebron does care more about putting on a show than winning. We already established that, right? Why else would he quit on Cleveland in the playoffs, then organize a one hour special to announce something that takes 10 seconds, even though it was an astronomical insult and back-stab to the people that adore him?

2) "He's the best player in the world. But he might not be the best player on this team!" I think this team actually does more for Bosh and Wade than it does Lebron. First of all, Bosh was the star of Toronto. Not much to say for that. He wasn't good enough to be a team's #1 guy. Now he thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, and he's ready to ride Wade and James to a couple titles. Did anyone enjoy this free agency more than Bosh? I thought it was impossible for anyone to enjoy this free agency more than Lebron, but Bosh proved me wrong. Then there's Wade. This is his team. He's already won a title. He's got nothing to prove. He dominated the Olympics off the bench. If I were building a team around someone, I might pick him over Lebron. I know, I'm crazy. But think about it. He does everything. He's unselfish, clutch, plays harder than anyone in the league, he's smart, and he can shoot, pass, drive and defend. I hope Lebron is ready to share the spotlight. Cause Wade has a pretty big spotlight.

3) "New York, welcome to another decade of irrelevance." F---.

4) "Cleveland's owner is a crazy person!" That speaks for itself.

5) "Our [Miami's] half-full sports bar exploded in joy! / Did you see the way it erupted?! Seven people wearing Heat jerseys!" Welcome to the basketball city of America Lebron! Oh no wait. You didn't pick New York, Boston, LA or Chicago. Seven Heat jerseys! Seven! In a half-full sports bar! You picked the city that cares the least! At least the Gulf coast isn't flooded more and more each day with oil!

6) "Chris Bosh, you're the third best player on this team!" Don't forget that Chris! The more you think and act like you're a superstar, the more I start to hate you. To quote Bill Simmons: "He's never played in a Sweet 16, a Game 7 or even round 2 of the NBA playoffs".

Is LeBatard right, though? Do we have a dynasty in the making? The answer: maybe. It all depends. Can these three guys win with nine minimum salary guys? No. The Big 3 in Boston needed Rondo, Perkins, Poe, Posey and House. Jordan, Pippen and Rodman needed Kukoc, Kerr, Harper and Paxson. Every championship team needs key role players that step up when it matters. If Fisher didn't save Bryant this year, the Celtics take home that title. If "Big Shot" Bob Horry didn't hit his fair share of big shots, the Lakers and Spurs don't win those titles. The Heat need quality veterans to take a pay cut in order for them to win the title. And it looks like they might do just that. Udonis Haslem stuck around, and remained loyal to the organization. Mike Miller recently signed. Derek Fisher thought about doing the same. And why wouldn't they? If they don't, they may have to wait five years to win a title, because others took the cut and made the Heat unbeatable. Where is the fun in losing for five years? With Miller, the Heat filled a shooting void. James and Wade are streaky, but the truth is, their outside game is hardly anything to brag about. They need a Kerr, Horry, Hornacek, Elliot, Posey-type figure to knock down open shots. Lebron didn't have that in Cleveland. In the playoffs, Williams and West disappeared. They knocked down open looks in the regular season, but didn't have the guts to knock them down in the playoffs. We'll see if Mike Miller does. Now the Heat need a big man. Bosh is no match for Howard. He's a power forward. They need a center. I thought Shaq was a horrible fit for Cleveland coming in, and he was. But he might work nicely in Miami. Just a thought. Only time will tell if the Heat can get the necessary components to accompany the Big Three en route to a title.

My only hope is that the Knicks continue to build the team that can challenge the Heat. Amar'e was a step in the right direction. I love the acquisition of Felton. I only hope Carmelo can turn down the lucrative deal Denver offers him to stay, and that he'll return to his place of birth as a Knick next season. A sign-and-trade for Chris Paul would be immaculate as well, now that New York has someone to offer in Felton. Rumor has it, Paul said he wanted to assemble his own team with Melo and Amar'e in New York. The thoughts of a renewed Eastern Conference rivalry between the Heat and the Knicks give me the chills. It would be like my childhood as a Knicks fan all over again. Can you imagine Conference Final battles between the Heat and Knicks and the Lakers and Thunder each year? That's exciting basketball. I want that feeling.

But once again, as a Knicks fan, I'm only left with hope.

Maybe next year will be the year.

Image taken from bing.com

The Decision...

2010-07-07T19:04:00.000-07:00

The big moment is almost upon us. In less than 24 hours, Lebron's' secret will be out. Cleveland, Chicago, Miami or New York. Take your pick. At this point, it's almost impossible to tell where LBJ will go. But it's easy to guess where 90% of the American male population will be at 9:00pm eastern tomorrow night - glued to a television set, waiting to here the decision that will change the NBA for years to come.

As I've made it apparently obvious over the tenure of this blog, I'm a Knicks fan - as painful as it is to say at times. But this afternoon I felt a sensation of hope. I wanted Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to sign with Chicago. They didn't. If they had signed with Chicago, the quest for Lebron would've been a two-team race between the Knicks and the Cavs. I think he would've had to make the move to New York. The Cavs already couldn't get past the Celtics and the Magic, and if Chicago had Wade and Bosh, there was no chance Lebron would see a championship anytime soon. When Wade and Bosh signed with Miami, I convinced myself this was still a good thing for the Knicks. Sure the Bulls' roster was a little bit better than the Knicks current roster, but I didn't think it would be championship caliber with Lebron. His best bet would have seemingly been to go to New York, get the ball rolling the right way, and wait for a combination of Anthony, Paul and Parker that would restore basketball in New York and start a new dynasty in the NBA.

Then the Bulls signed Carlos Boozer. For some reason I completely forgot about Boozer, even though I correctly predicted six days ago that the Bulls would sign him. Now it appears the tables have turned. Right now, the chic pick would be for James to go the Bulls. Noah, Boozer, Deng, Rose, and James sounds scary good. In fact, it sounds better than James, Wade and Bosh in my opinion. It's a lot better than Lee, Stoudemire, Gallinari, James and Walker (Bill, since you've probably never heard of him) or Rodriguez (Sergio, same reasoning).

Or there's Miami. Today the ESPN BottomLine read, "Miami's roster: Mario Chalmers (PG), Michael Beasley (PF)". That's literally their entire roster. We know they'll at least have four players going into next season. If they sign Lebron (losing Beasley in the process), the four-man Heat would look poised for a title - Bosh, Wade, Chalmers & James. Seriously, they'd be poised for a title with a four-man roster. Throw in 8 league-minimum guys and they can only get better...I think. They'd be better with 8 of the worst players in the NBA right?? They'd be able to play at full strength. It makes sense. Right???

Then there's Cleveland. Where Lebron's loyalty has lied for the last 25 years. He set out to be the hometown hero from the start, but the pieces around him always held him back. He looked distant in the playoffs this season, and it almost seemed like he had already left. But the Cavs fired their GM, hired a coach to Lebron's liking, and are begging him to stay.

I could see Lebron going either way. Nothing would surprise me. Actually, correction, him going to the Knicks would surprise me. Because that would just be too perfect.

What do the Knicks have to offer? The biggest market in sport. A concrete jungle where dreams are made of. The Yankees, his favorite team. Jay-Z, his celebrity man-crush. A bright future with Stoudemire. Hopefully a strong combination of Anthony, Paul or Parker in 2011. Titles. And a fan base that's ready to jump on the bandwagon again.

Lebron. Boozer is aging, the critics will always say Jordan only needed Pippen (not Wade and Bosh), the Cavs won't bring you the titles you're playing for, and the Nets are playing in Newark for the next two years. And I've been to their games. Not a great atmosphere.

Come to New York. It's worth it.

So here are my plans for tomorrow:

1) Intern

2) Try to join the Boys & Girls Club of America in Norwich, CT so I can attend Lebron's "The Decision" conference

3) Buy a 12-pack

4) Cook my specialty - BBQ Chicken

5) Celebrate Lebron's decision to come to New York or drink my sorrow's away when he picks Cleveland, Chicago or Miami

But hey, if he doesn't pick New York, we should be okay.

Because according to Amar'e:

"The Knicks are back!"

Image taken from espn.com

We Are All Witnesses Lebron...

2010-07-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, Lebron James told me and the rest of the world to get excited for July 1, 2010. He said it was going to be a big day. He lied. Unless of course Darko Milicic signing with Timberwolves, Drew Gooden signing with...(umm, line?)...the Bucks (wow, that took way to long to find the answer to that), and Rudy Gay signing with the Grizzlies is exciting to you. For me, that doesn't quite do it. As the clock winds down today, it looks like we're going to have to embark on the NBA's mini-version of the "What will Brett Favre decide?" game. I'm gonna call it, get this, the "What will the top NBA free agents decide game?".

What? Everybody else gets to do it.

I'm gonna put Lebron James last in a poor effort to keep you all reading until the end. So, here goes:

It would be much easier to pick like this. In fact I have a better chance of being right if I do, but I'll give my own knowledge a chance this time around.

13. Drew Gooden - Milwaukee Bucks

12. Darko Milicic - Minnesota Timberwolves

11. Rudy Gay - Memphis Grizzlies

3-for-3 and I'm just getting started.

10. David Lee - New York Knicks

There's only one reason this would happen. The Knicks failed to acquire Lebron James or any power forward. So I've already partially spoiled my choice for Lebron.

9. Ray Allen - Boston Celtics

With Doc coming back, expect Pierce to do the same, and for that matter, Ray Allen as well. He could be a lethal third addition for any of the teams shopping around, but I think the Celtics might still believe they have one more run left in them.

8. Paul Pierce - Boston Celtics

With the right combination of slacking in the regular season, saving their legs for the postseason, and not getting injured in either season, the Celtics could still have one last hurrah. Probably not, but it might be worth Pierce sticking around and retiring a Celtic, like every person expected was a lock until yesterday.

7. Carlos Boozer - Chicago Bulls

You Booze, you lose. Not only is that not applicable here, but its not actually a real saying. Expect Chicago to B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Booze) to 82 games next season. Yes, that means no Chris Bosh. And yes that means no championship. Maybe.

6. Amare Stoudemire - Miami Heat

J.A. Adande told me (in a column he wrote for everyone in the world with internet to read) that Stoudemire wants to go to Miami or Phoenix. For him to go to Miami, Bosh would have to commit elsewhere, or Bosh, Wade and Stoudemire would all have to take paycuts and assemble a super-team.

5. Joe Johnson - Atlanta Hawks

From what I heard, it's almost a done deal. Even he knows its not worth going to the Knicks for a max deal. Maybe this move will save the Knicks from doing something irrational and bring Carmelo and Chris Paul to New York next season.

4. Dirk Nowitzki - Dallas Mavericks

Dirk knows Dallas. Nothing else.

3. Chris Bosh - Miami Heat

Bosh is the man in the position of power right now. He ultimately holds the fate of the next Eastern Conference champion if he wants. Him and Lebron would be some tandem. But I think even Bosh is leaning towards playing with Wade.

2. Dwyane Wade - Miami Heat

Wade made it pretty clear he wants to stay in Miami. I think he's playing free agency smarter than anyone else. He's recruiting for the Heat, understands Lebron wants to do his own thing, and sees a golden opportunity to maintain his loyalty to a city he loves and potentially bring the championship back to Miami. I'll explain in a few.

So where will this man go?

1. Lebron James -

Boringgggggggg. Lebron stays. Yesterday, if I had written this post, I would've said Chicago. But now, I feel like all signs point to Cleveland. But why?

1. Loyalty - If there's one thing Lebron has demonstrated throughout his career, its loyalty to his hometown. He wants to bring a championship there. He can take a jet to any major market. If no one has notice, Lebron is his own major market. New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas and Miami are aware of the Lebron phenomenon.

2. Respect - I think he respects what Jordan did in Chicago too much. I don't think he wants to live in Jordan's shadow throughout his career. Granted the Lakers had Chamberlain before Kareem, Kareem before Magic, and Magic before Kobe, and it is a big deal to carry on others legacy, I think Lebron believes Jordan's legacy is cemented in Chicago. There will never be another Jordan. No one will ever claim Jordan's city. Lebron wants his own city.

3. Coaching - Lebron got the coach he wanted: Byron Scott. He has the mix of everything Lebron is looking for in a coach. And oh yeah, he's not Mike Brown.

4. The Environment - Why would Lebron want to come to Miami if Miami beach will be covered in oil sometime in the near future? It just doesn't seem plausible.

So what does this mean?

1) Lebron's basing his decision on the fact he thinks a coach is the Final piece to the championship puzzle. The problem: The players make the team. Phil needed MJ and Scottie, Kobe and Shaq, and Kobe and Gasol. Popovich needed Robinson and Duncan, Parker, Ginobli and Duncan. Reilly needed Wade and Shaq. You get the idea. Yes, Mike Brown was a pretty bad coach, but they won 60 games with him two years in a row. My point exactly. It's not the coach that puts wins on the board. It's the players.

2) Lebron's team doesn't get much better, which means they probably can't win a title again. His supporting cast can't do it. He needs more.

3) Wade will likely have a better shot at the title. By choosing money and loyalty over the smart move, Lebron is costing himself championships, and the ultimate fame that comes along with them. Wade, Bosh and whomever else they get (Stoudemire or not) should walk away this summer with the best new team in the Eastern Conference. A team poised to take down Lebron's Cavs. Maybe not Kobe's Lakers. But definitely Lebron's Cavs. I know James wants to make this all a spectacle, but in doing so, I think he's missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to propel his fame to the ultimate level. James, Wade and Bosh is unbeatable. A paycut means nothing. With all the championships that would ensue, Lebron will make more money than he could ever dream of. But without going to Chicago or Miami, he won't get those championships.

And if he doesn't, maybe Lebron will never be more than an NBA All-Star with a few MVPs and scoring titles.

As he becomes a Witness to Wade and Bosh's success.

Images taken from bing.com

A Tale of Two Halves...

2010-06-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

First Half:

Four friggin' years to patch things up and Team USA brings this kind of intensity to the World Cup? What a joke. I couldn't tell what was worse, our offense or our defense. And our defense gave up two first half goals to a team ranked 11 spots below us in the FIFA World Rankings. Landon Donovan said, "If we can't beat Slovenia, we don't belong in the World Cup". It doesn't look like we belong.

I watched almost every game so far (because until next week I've been employed this summer as a couch potato), and I like to think I've gotten a grasp on how the game is supposed to be played. My soccer background includes 8 years at the recreational level after one year on the Kinder Kickers circuit. It also includes an attendance to five high school soccer games (2 boys, 3 girls), years of watching the World Cup, Champions League, and the UEFA Tournament, four MLS game viewings (because my roommate makes me), roughly 62 matches or "caps", as they refer to them throughout the World Cup, in the FIFA video game series, and most notably, I've been to almost every home game for Quinnipiac University over the last four years, cheering on the likes of Freddy, Pierre, Graciano, DJ, Fudd, and Kevin Nunes, the greatest Portuguese red-head this side of the equator and in the Western hemisphere (as long as the Western hemisphere doesn't include the country of Portugal, which I think it might).

Quick side note: My friend Joe wanted me to mention that in our last FIFA bout, it came down to penalty kicks, where he disobeyed the cardinal, unspoken rule of: "You can't kick it down the middle, be a man and pick a side", defeating me on the last kick. Yet he still gloats about it and wants everyone to know. Also, Ian Scollins is the greatest FIFA player I've ever played, and one day he will prove that to Joe Scapps. But back to the article...

So ya, I'd like to think I have a good eye for the things going on during the game. One of the things I noticed about Brazil, was their swarming defense. They put so much pressure on their opponents. At this level, that seems hard to do, but they've mastered it with the right combination of aggression and anticipation. The US doesn't have that swarming defense. They don't have that aggression. Instead, they have a lazy back four that leaves a lot of holes for open shots and key passing lanes. On a fortunate note, they have a phenomenal goalie - one of the world's best. He "saved" them against England (get it?) and was a big help today as well. If you pay attention, Howard (the goalie) spends more time yelling at his defenders than praising them. They've given opposing teams far too many open looks, far too much space, and far too many fast breaks with their lack of hustle and questionable effort on defense. Their early let downs have been so costly to our success.

Then there's the offense. For some reason we love ripping 45-yard shots at the net. Newsflash guys: A 45-yard shot off the foot of an American not named Landon isn't going into the net. It's pretty much just a pass to the other team. "Here guys, ya got us on this one. We'll forfeit this possession". Cherundolo, Bradley, I'm talking about you.

We also love starting forwards that can't seem to score. Findley looked lost every time he touched the ball. He completely drew a blank when it came time to set up a run for someone else. His bag of tricks included not challenging the defenders, creating zero passing lanes for himself, not finishing, and passing it behind teammates to Slovenia. I actually thought it was a good thing when his second yellow card, although unwarranted, suspended him from the next match. My friend thought the same thing.

My last note of the first half. Team USA created great energy and momentum in the last five minutes. The announcers felt Slovenia was praying for halftime. And then we gave up a quick counter for a late goal to put them up 2-0 at half. Nice. My thoughts: "I can't believe I have to wait another four years to see this team try and make a statement again".

Second half:

New lineups, a surge of energy mixed with desperation, and in turn, we saw an exciting half of futbol. Donovan basically realized he was playing alongside MLS players again, and said "Okay, I need to carry this team on my shoulders". And he did, with a goal from a nearly impossible angle, over the head of the goalie he made look foolish, just three minutes into the second half. For the next thirty minutes, Team USA turned up the heat. I really respected their effort. They had some great chances, nearly scored on a few occasions, and just looked like the better team. Then, in the 82nd minute, after a great post-up and header by Altidore, Michael Bradley came sliding in for the equalizer. This caused me to double fist-pump in jubilation. A rare occurrence in my lifetime. I think America and freedom overcame me into that particular reaction.

Then the ref that apparently hates America happened. See 1:44 on the video.

USA's game-winning goal was erased when Koman Coulibaly decided to wave it off for a reason he decided not to specify. Apparently the U.S. was either offsides or committed a foul, when the only player active in the play was onsides by 8 yards, scored a game-winning goal in US soccer's greatest comeback ever, while three of his teammates were molested by Slovenians. Just because were making your sport look good and hope to one day dominate that sport like we do every other sport in the world, doesn't mean you can call phantom fouls or maybe offsides on us when were putting on a second half clinic for Slovenia. And when you do anyways, could you at least specify what the call was? I mean make something up. Come on. Don't just blow your whistle and point. Look I referree'd a third grade basketball game once and had kids tackling each other. I know it gets hectic and out-of-hand at times and it's tough to make the right call every time. But I would've made the right call there. And even if I didn't, I could've at least bs'd the coach with a foul I saw or something. Stop hating America! England is the one ruining the ecosystem with their oil spills.

Oh, and I'm gonna choose not to talk about how badly officiated the game was overall. I will point out one more thing though. Dempsey was pile-drived by a Slovenian in the box during a corner at one point. It looked like I was watching this kid at the 1:35 mark. And yet they called a foul on Dempsey. We were robbed.

It looks like we're going to need some help from England. The aforementioned Joe said at work today 30 Englishmen crowded into a conference room to watch the game and adamantly root against the U.S.

We're screwed. Come on Algeria!

Image taken from espn.com

Now or Never...

2010-06-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

It's Game 7 and there's no turning back for the Lakers or Celtics. Check out this video to get a little taste of the rivalry as a pregame for tonight.

Some quick notes:

1) Kobe Bryant had 26 points last game. He had 0 when Tony Allen was in the game.

2) Ron Artest will never have a game like that again (If you consider 15 pts and 6 rebs overly impressive anyway).

3) I still can't figure out why they paid all this extra money for Ron Artest. I actually get excited when he shoots the ball, because I know there's a very good chance it's not going in.

Artest (09/10 playoffs) - 10.8 ppg 3.9 rpg 39.8 FG% 29.1 3P% 1.4 SPG

Ariza (08/09 playoffs) - 11.3 ppg 4.2 rpg 49.7 FG% 47.6 3P% 1.6 SPG

Artest (NBA Finals) - 9.0 ppg 4.5 rpg 36.0 3P%

Ariza (08/09 Finals) - 13.4 ppg 6.6 rpg 41 3P%

4) Phil Jackson has never lost a series in which his team led 1-0. (His record: 47-0!)

5) Before Game 6 the Celtics had never lost a game when up 3-2.

6) The Lakers are -27 in the 4th quarter when Kobe is on the court (through the first 5 games - he also shot 28.1% in the 4th through those 5 games).

7) The Celtics have won 9 of 11 NBA Finals matchups vs. the Lakers.

8) The Celtics are 4-0 in Game 7s against the Lakers.

Enjoy the game. Let's hope for one to remember.

Meet Walt Backman...

2010-06-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

I know by now this story might be old news to some people. But this video is just too good to be true. Over the years, I've always wondered what these managers were screaming in their tirades with umpires. I imagined they were pretty hard on the guys. But Walt Backman took it to a whole other level. A level well beyond my expectations.

Some managers might stop at screaming, tossing their cap or kicking dirt on home plate. But not Walt Backman. He wanted to make it very clear that you don't throw him out of the game when he's not sure what him or his player said that was wrong.

I'd offer some witty insight on the clip, but it speaks for itself. No analysis needed. Just enjoy.

My favorite quotes:

"He'll go to...Stevie'll go to second and move...Stevie'll go to left. Stevie'll go to short, move Johnny to second". (2:55)

"Catcher get out of the way"! (3:40)

"Let's go have a beer Doc". (4:10)

Also, who are you taking:

Walt Backman or Phillip Wellman in an ejection tirade?

To me, Wellman is playing into the crowd and almost looks like he's acting. Backman seems to express more hate and disgust about the ejection. He isn't trying to entertain the crowd.